CHAPTER THREE-OUT OF BALANCE

Julia stepped into the house like she'd never been there before. She felt so out of place as Sandy's mood was icy toward her, cordial though. A flat and lifeless, 'what do you want?' was sent her way.

"Um, Chess said meet him here, so here I am."

"He did, did he? I wasn't aware he was even coming home, Julia. Are you sure?"

"Yes, Sandy. I am sure." She answered.

Julia stood in her mother in law's kitchen on swollen feet and ankles. Sweat beads had formed on her brow and she perspired in places she didn't realize she had as she had walked to the house from the Christian Store in the square. Not a real long walk in the late July heat and humidity. Sandy quizzed her on the pregnancy. How many weeks? 26. How you feeling? Bloated and fat. 'You're swelling', she observed, motioning toward the seat. She noticed when Julia sat down she had her ring on. Julia felt like she needed it, but also felt self conscious about wearing it. Sandy didn't know that was the wedding ring, rather, she thought it was only a special ring.

"How are they making out with the baby?"

"Good. He's so sweet. Tavin's so much happier now that he's born. Like a different guy."

"Guess you and Jayson will find out soon enough."

 Julia didn't want a conversation about the ever absent Jayson. He was doing everything he should do before the birth. He saw her when he was at the house. He saw her when they went on doctor's appointments. He did everything she thought he would do, be there. He kept a distance otherwise.

Stef Monroe spent two more weeks in a coma, then three more in the lab getting well. She and Jayson ran around her flipside getting to know each other and then some. Like with Julia, the closer she came to waking up from the near death experience, the more aware she became on the flip side. Whatever Stef was doing to him there, Julia wasn't privy to. But she watched Jay fall for this girl. The second or third time around, Julia was easier to leave, easier to forget and easier to get over. Their interactions were still tense, but improving. Stef was released on the last doctor's appointment. The car ride home was just a joy as Julia realized she'd been replaced by a blond with a pretty smile, prettier eyes, and a cool and easy laugh.

"He told me about you. It's great to meet you."

"Yeah, Stef, you too." Julia remarked. She waddled through the hospital corridors and they wound their way back through the hospital to the lot where they'd parked the car.

"Jules, I told you I would bring the car to you." He reminded her, but being stubborn Julia, she'd declined the offer.

"I can make it to the lot, Jay." She replied, but was reconsidering as she felt the heat on her flesh. The heat was not her friend. She preferred a winter pregnancy. She preferred Antonio Freeman. Where the hell was Antonio Freeman when she needed him? About to start high school, she sighed to herself.

Stef was a chatterbox during their ride home from Maryland. She was sweet, engaging and smart. On the surface, Stef impressed Julia as a likeable girl. Jay, being the consummate sweetheart, assisted her from the rear seat and walked her up to the house, making sure she got inside ok. Like she wouldn't be able to accomplish that on her own, but she thanked him and she hugged him goodbye.

"I love you, Julia. You know that."

"I love you too, Jayson." She replied and once the coast was clear, Jay having departed with Stef, she spent the afternoon crying because she messed up and crying because Jay was hurt and then crying because Jay moved on. She stopped crying when she realized she was going to live through it. She'd been the one who told him it should have stayed at one amazing night. A good memory. When he loved her, he loved her strongly. They never spoke of it once they left the lab together. He decided that they spoke enough when he'd come home from his voluntary admission to the lab. Jay decided he would choose what they did and if they spoke from that point on and Julia had to live with it.

The house lightened up with one less body in it. Julia rearranged the living space and she excluded Jay since he was never sleeping at home. Julia moved herself upstairs to Alex's room with Jody and Alex's help and she moved Jody and Alex both in the basement. If Jay came back for some reason, then she would further arrange the sleep space. She accomplished this all this before Kelly had Tarin. Alex got what he wanted, to stay home. Half of what he wanted fixed, he got. Instead of living with all his family, he got stuck with the one he really wished to get stuck with-Julia.

Tavin had made up with Kelly if only temporarily. That was all he was willing to do. If only for Tarin at first and he agreed to work on them. He was against the baby going home permanently with her and her parents and Kelly agreed to once again move in with them. She said she'd be willing to work with him over the summer and see where they went. She needed some structure when she returned to school, some type of schedule and routine for not only her, but for Tarin. Once Tarin was born and they brought him home, he took to being a dad like he had the first time around. He dove in head first and he held, changed, rocked, and fed the baby.

"I can move on, you know." She threatened him. "I can find someone else, you know."

"Yeah, ok, Kelly." Tavin dismissed her threats as just that, threats. "So can I."

Alex's attitude and mood overall improved and he followed Julia around, taking care of her and fussing over her. His strange behavior had Tavin curious.

"Dude, are you filling Jay's shoes?" He asked him outright. Living under this particular roof, one never knew what to expect.

"No. I'm just helping out my sister. Is there something wrong?" Alex asked.

"No, not at all. You're sweet, thanks." Julia answered. "He's being nice to me, Tav. Remember? We should all be nicer to each other."

"Yeah, whatever, Julia." He said. "So what nice thing can I do for you then?"

"I would like for you to carry all my shit upstairs to my new room."

All Julia's shit amounted to two small boxes and a bag. When she originally brought all her shit upstairs, she went through all her shit and then threw out a bunch of her shit. The boxes contained notebooks and small insignificant stuff.

"That it over there?"

"Yep. That's it."

So Julia sat with Sandy and updated her on all the statuses in the house and who was doing what and where and when and why. Julia had even started working part time again at the store with Rachel.

Julia had devoted a small amount of time to Ray. The OCD and the delusions coming out of this kid some days were frightening and some days funny. He had a certain routine that he performed regularly that involved mostly staying out of sight. He could offer no clear visible examples of what he swore to be truth. As far as Julia could see, there was no one following him. There were no men in black and when Ray pointed them out, they'd suddenly disappear or have just left the vicinity or the car pulled away. The men in black were shifty and quick, Ray told her. He swore they knew he was watching them as much as they were watching him. For the most part Ray was as sweet and easy as the rest of the guys only a bit on the delusional side. She never felt unsafe or threatened while in his presence. In fact, she felt the opposite. Over protected and at times he smothered her with his fears that she truly started to believe the madness.

Eventually she stopped looking for the signs in his environment. She made the decision to agree with him. Life was easier that way. Sometimes it meant going around the block a couple times to make sure the coast was clear and he would always clear the house to ensure no one was lurking inside. These strange behaviors helped as opposed to hindered. He was safer this way, but it was a time consuming process.

Finally she'd had enough. "I have killed zombies. I am not afraid to go in the fuckin house, Ray." The delusional leading the delusional on the front lawn of his parent's house.

It was the one and only time she'd witnessed him have a meltdown and then spent half the afternoon trying to set him back in his right mind. The fear and the paranoia swept over him, the anxiety of having her enter first. He damn near passed out on her, rambling and incoherent. All of this embarrassment transpired on the front lawn and no one had actually entered the house before he melted down. She nearly called 911 on him till she had an idea.

"I think I saw something in that window up there, Ray. I think you're right. You should go in first."

He snapped back to his version of reality and scanned the windows across the front of the house. "I'll go." He said.

"You do that. I'll wait out here."

As soon as he set off on his nonsensical mission, Julia dialed Chess's number. "Chess, this is all in his head, babe. I'm sorry."

"He's crazy?"

"He's a few cents short of a dollar, Chess. I have come up with a few ways to deal with him. It took awhile, you know, but-"

"Ok, thanks, Julia."

"Honey, he needs medication."

"Meds we won't have about a year from now?" He asked, subconsciously reminding her why she didn't take her own meds.

"Oh, I don't get all delusional like this. I don't lose touch with reality. Babe, he went and lost touch with reality. There's no one there, and he's going to say I believe him and I see them too and as long as I am with him, I am going to have to agree. It's going to save me time and my sanity."

"Is he gonna hurt himself?"

"Nope. He's protecting himself. From what? I don't know, but all this weirdness protects him somehow. Like he's got these strange compulsive rituals that keep them away or at bay."

And this was how she wound up sitting across from Sandy at her kitchen table. Sandy drank her wine and Julia snacked on some popcorn with her feet propped up on the chair opposite her.

Chess showed up a half hour after she did and he apologized for traffic. Chess hugged mom and kissed Julia quick. He glanced at her hand and she had her ring on. Chess started talking about Ray. He said all Julia had told him and he took it seriously. He was worried about his brother.

"He won't take medicine. It's poison, Chess." Sandy frowned. "I know about all of this. Yes."

"But mom, can't you make him-"

"No, I can't. He'll go back to school soon. They can't find him there. Giving that boy his identity was a good idea. As soon as Ray heard that Jody was Ray Morgan, the men started following Jody around instead of him. It's all a delusion, because they look nothing alike."

"You know about Jody."

"Sure, Ray tells me everything." Sandy answered, sipping more wine. "He likes transparency. So there's no minced words or some ridiculous phrase he used. He would not go to New York with Cassidy because the headquarters is in New York City. That's where their office is."

"Well, fuck." Chess laughed.

"You'd know this is you weren't so self involved at the time. You were drugging and drinking. Like I didn't have enough to deal with. Him, you, her and Jayson. She was my saving grace at the time with Tatia and Alex, then your cousin moved in from Pittsburgh. You fools took over the house."

"I'm sorry, mom. I told you that. I can't explain it, but-"

"Don't try. I'm glad you straightened yourself out."

"Well, speaking of taking over your house, I am staying over night. With her." He motioned to Julia.

"Huh? You are? I mean, we are?"

"Yeah. We are, if its ok with mommy. I gotta leave early, too, to make it back to base on time for work."

"Sure. I don't care, but this is kind of strange all of a sudden."

"We're working things out, mom."

"Huh?" Julia was surprised.

"No, it's fine. Go on. At least you're not fucking Ray. Cause that's what I thought was going on at first."

"Oh, no. Not with Ray, I don't-I'm not-" Julia shook her head, not with Ray. "He was acting strange is all and I thought I could help or something."

"There's nothing we can do. He needs to go to therapy and take medication. He won't do either. You wanna help? Get him to do that."

Chess grabbed his bag off the floor and he took Julia away from his mother. He led her upstairs to his old room, which was just as he'd left it. When he opened his drawer to throw in his keys and his wallet, he noticed his condoms were gone. Jayson must have taken them to use with his new love interest. He took off his uniform. "Here." He tossed her an old tee shirt and pulled on some shorts. Julia changed out of her hot clothes into the tee shirt, which barely fit with her belly protruding. "I'm gonna throw this in the washer. I'll be right back. Wanna soda or something?"

"Tea's good. Thanks."

Chess came back with tea and a soda, kicking the door shut behind him. He rummaged through his bag and pulled out a sandwich bag. He handed her the wedding band. "Put it on."

"Chess," She said, taking it from him. "I thought we were taking our time and while I was pregnant we-"

"I broke it off with Mace. Blondie was just fun once in awhile."

"Shit, Chess. Is Mace ok?"

"She's fine, yes." He answered, handing her the glass of tea. "I told you I was serious, Julia. I would give it up. I meant it. As soon as I left the lab, I drove up there that weekend and I took that ring and we talked about what was best for me and her. I left her and she was good. She's not mental or anything."

"Wow, I didn't know."

"And you?"

"What about me? No one's interested in me right now. Tarin takes up a bit of my time. Those two, Chess..." She shook her head, thinking of Kelly passing off Tarin to her while Tavin was at work. 

"You're wearing the ring."

"Yeah, I have been. Since I put it on a few weeks ago, it's pretty."

He sat next to her on the bed. "So it reminds you."

"You could say that, yeah. It reminds me of a lot of things."

"You don't trust me yet do you?"

"No. You trust me?"

"Nope." He answered. He raised the soda can to his mouth and took a drink. "So...this is kinda strange right?"

"It feels that way."

"You go to that support group yet? I asked you to-"

"No. I haven't. I don't want to sit in a room and talk about it with a bunch of other people. I try not to think about it."

"Ok. It did help you last time."

She agreed. "It did. I went through it after I tried to kill myself so we covered both. Buy one rape, get one free."

"That is not funny, Julia. It's not funny at all."

"Chess, I am ok. Do I look like I need rape counseling to you?"

"You could be happier."

"My life's a mess, so under the circumstances, happy is stretching it." She told him as she tried stretching his tee some over her belly. It loosened a little. "What, 11 out of 12 births. How great are the odds here? I put up a good front for Jay's sake, but it's just an illusion for him."

"Jules, please, you gotta think positive. Nothing is written in stone."

She and Chess spent some time talking. He wanted her to get Ray medicated, but Ray had choices, beliefs and impulses, like the rest of them. He acted on his like everyone else acted on theirs. Julia reminded him that once he returns to Texas, then the men in black will follow Jody around again. That delusion made no sense either, but it worked for Ray and that was all that mattered.

"Know what it's like being suffocated by an idea in your head, then never being able to breathe? An idea that no one else in the world believes, but there you are believing it. Everyone who says they love you also thinks you're a fool. It consumes you and everything you do then finally someone believes and you aren't so crazy after all. That's what I try to do for Ray."

"Who did that for you?"

"Jayson. He saw all this before the rest of you and I didn't seem so nuts after all.  The fact that it may be over temporarily, but it's never really over."

Chess got off the bed, said he was going to put the wash in the dryer.

"Hey, I -uh- need a snack. And I don't have my machine with me."

"I'll go get it."

"I'll be ok. Just bring me food. High is better than low. Believe me."

"You gotta start carrying that thing."

"I didn't because I was at work and I thought I was going home."

Chess walked out and didn't come back for 40 minutes. He set her kit on the bed and handed her a Wendy's bag with a small frosty and an order of fries like she liked. "Alex had the kit ready and waiting. You called him."

"I did. I heard you leave. You brought us Wendy's, too. Thanks."

He took Julia's kit and took care of her while she ate her frosty, dipping the fries in it. Her habit.  She shared with him, placing chocolate frosty covered fries in his mouth, the sweet mixing with the salty tasted good. She went to the bathroom, threw out her empty frosty cup. She went back to Chess, flipping off the light switch as she entered the room.

"You look beat, Chess."

"I'm tired. Come here." He said, pulling her down to the bed with him. "I wanna make love to my wife. Can we?" He asked suddenly, sounding so matter of fact.

"Um, I thought we were waiting."

"Yeah, I discovered that it's a long wait and I haven't had pussy in weeks."

"So you're coming to me for sex now?"

"I'm coming to you so I wouldn't go to anyone else. I'm trying something new."

"Actually you're trying something old." She laughed.

Julia pulled his tee shirt off and laid down next to him on her side and facing him. He rolled her onto her back and tried going down on her, but she stopped him. "No." She said, grabbing his head. He tried laying over her to kiss her, but felt her belly against his, lifting he didn't want to press on her. He tried putting his hand between her legs and she stopped him. "No, Chess."  He lifted up from her.

"Julia, is there anything I can do to you?"

She lifted her short legs, placing her feet on his shoulders. "Stay up like that. It's easier."

"You don't look as big as you feel."

"Thanks, Chess." She sighed, pushing his upper body with her feet.

"Uh, no, I mean the bump's in the way."

"I didn't shave and I didn't get a shower or anything."

"We've had dirtier sex, babe." He reminded her, reaching between her legs. She argued at first, but he told her to shut up. "We have fucked in a field covered in dirt and manure."

"Oh, well, that's true."

"And I think we ran out of razors, too, when we were field fucking."

"All I'm saying is I could have cleaned up some for this."

Chess put her legs down, placing his hands on her bended knees. "You are clean enough. On your side, Jules, there are ways to do this."

430am came pretty fast. Chess lay with his back to her and her belly pressed up against him. Julia may have been knocked out, but the baby was wide awake and kicking him in his spine. Small and soft taps against his back bone. He laughed at the thought of being kicked out of his own bed by baby Caroline and thinking it was pretty cool at the same time. Jay's missing out on this...he thought...that's a shame... Whatever was going to happen with Julia and Caroline, he wasn't sure, but for that moment in time, Caroline was alive and kicking.

He dragged himself out of bed and left her sleep. He met up with Ray in the hall on the way to the bathroom.

"All clear, Ray?" He asked, trying to be serious.

"Yeah, why?" He asked, coming up the steps toward him.

"You know, there are medications for what you got. It'll make them go away permanently."

"They aren't here." Ray yawned, passing his brother. "They haven't clocked in yet." He said, entering his room and closing the door behind him.

Chess looked at the closed door and almost went to him, but he had no idea how to handle this situation. It was not in his hands. He couldn't begin to talk to him. He didn't know what to say.

He showered quick and dressed. Julia woke in the process. 

"Go back to sleep." He told her.

"Come here." She smiled, holding her arms out.

He leaned  over her, let her hug him. "Jules, I'll call you."

"Ok." She didn't want to leave him go.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm happy." She answered , kissing his cheek. "Could you do something for me?" She asked, leaving him separate to finish getting dressed.

"Yeah, what?" He asked, opening his drawer for his wallet and his keys.

"Wear your ring."

"That's gonna be hard to do. I tossed it. I was mad and-"

"It's ok. Here, then." She said, handing him her wedding band. "Toss this too. I only need the first one."

"Toss it?"

"Yeah, out the car window on the highway. We only bought em on amazon, Chess."

"You're not mad at me?"

"Ha, no." She answered, fixing the pillow between her thighs. "For once, no. Go to work."

She laid in bed and heard him going downstairs. She heard him from the room in the kitchen and listening to the news while he ate breakfast and he heard him talking to his dad. Voices carried at 5am. As she was almost asleep, she heard him on the steps again and he came in the room.

"Jules, you awake?"

"Hmm, yeah." She hummed.

"I love you, babe."

"Yep, I love you too, my king." She giggled sleepily. "Go to work."

She fell back to sleep as she heard him and his dad leaving the driveway.

Ray woke her up, shaking her shoulder. "Julia, hurry. Look." He said, his voice low and his movements rushed. "Hey, Julia. Please, look." He begged her.

Julia sat up, half asleep and half awake. He pulled at her to get up, which she did as fast as she could. She bundled the sheet around her naked body. He pulled her to the window and he very slowly twisted the stick that controlled the opening of the slats on the blind. The morning sun blinded her a moment. "Look. Right there." She pulled the trailing sheet tight around her chest and adjusted her eyes on a car parked across the street caddy corner to the house. It was closer to Jess's house than the one in which she stood. "You have to see that."

She did indeed. "Gimme my phone, Chess, I mean Ray." She sighed, holding her hand out. "They don't track my phone, honey, hand me the phone."

Julia hit the video recorder and she got a fuzzy video of the men in black that he droned on about. As Ray continued to record them, she hurried and dressed. This was not what she had in mind first thing in the morning. 8 am and she was still tired and she didn't feel like getting dressed at all yet. She stuck her flip flops on and she dipped out of the room, wishing she was as agile as she used to be. She could have sneaked up on them, but she chose to go head first into this men in black bullshit.

When Julia got to the sidewalk, the car started. "What the actual fuck?" She moaned, thinking that she did not get dressed and get moving for them to drive away. Ray suddenly didn't seem so damn crazy. She heard Ray calling for her. "Oh, I don't think so." She mumbled, stepping off the curb into the street as Ray was on her heels pretty fast. She stood dead center in the street as the car pulled away from the curb toward her. She walked toward the black car and two men sat in the front seat, one driving and one in the passenger seat. She couldn't make out their faces as Ray latched onto her and got her out of the street pretty fast. "Ray, what the hell?" She yelled at him.

"They'd hit you." He yelled.

"Why'd you wake me up if not to come the hell out here and confront them? They wouldn't have hit me. Who runs over pregnant women, Ray?!"

"Julia, they're real."

"Damn it." She yelled. "You let them drive away." Julia was pissed. "Gimme my phone." She yelled as he stood there looking guilty.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't wanna take the chance."

"Damn it." She cussed. "It's fine. It's ok. I understand." She took the phone and watched his recording of the men in black. Ray had not stopped filming them the entire way outside. It was a short video. It was fuzzy and shook in places, but it was clear as day when he was following Julia to the car.

They head back inside and showed Sandy the recording.

"You don't know why they were there. That could be anyone." Sandy said as she watched the video for the second time. Julia stood eating a yogurt as she watched the video.

"Yeah, well, they drove away. We didn't get to talk to them this time, but bet your ass we will the next time." Julia said, assuring her that she and Ray would figure this out. "I am not schizophrenic." She muttered, taking her phone and then going back to bed. "This is why I don't like people. They're shady." She continued as she head up the steps. She took another look outside before she closed the blind. She checked her sugar, dosed insulin and went back to sleep. Her cell woke her again around noon.

Kelly wanted to know where she was. Jayson called as she was heading out the door to go home. "Where you at, Julia?" He asked.

"Why, Jayson?"

"I stopped by and you're not here. You're always here."

"I'm at Sandy's. I'm about to walk home now. Is it important or something?"

"No. Not really. Wanted to say hi and see you. That's all."

"Well, there's no reason for that. I'm fine. She's fine."

"Damn, Julia. It's like that now. Why are you at Sandy's anyway?"

"Why do you care, Jay, where I go? I can't hunt men in black with my brother in law? I can't-" She stopped talking as she looked around her. There was that car again. "Oh, shit." She mumbled, watching the car closely. "You know, this is bullshit. Hang on a sec."

"Sure, what are you doing? You want me to come get you? It's a hike over here from Sandy's."

"Jay, these men in black might not be such a delusion."

"You're spending too much time with Ray."

"I'm looking right at Ray's delusion. Stay on the phone." She ordered.

"Where are you?"

He listened as Julia spoke. "Who are you and what do you want?" 

"Julia, get away from them. Jesus Christ." Jay listened further as she knocked on the window and demanded they speak to her. "Jules, leave them alone. What are you thinking going up to random strangers?"

Julia disconnected his call as she was tired of listening to him bitch in her ear.

"You, I saw you this morning. Who are you?" She held up her phone and she showed them the screen. The numbers 911, on the screen. "You can't just sit here and -who are you?" She banged on their window.

The driver unlocked the door and opened it. When he moved, Julia spied the weapon in a holster on his chest. Fuck, are they cops... Middle aged, brown hair graying around the edges. 5' 10, fit and trim, bullet proof vest. He showed her a badge. "Call them. You can explain why you're interfering with a police investigation." Julia called his bluff. She doubted they were cops at all. She'd seen an FBI badge in her face before. She'd been questioned by FBI in the past. She knew that he was as fake as the badge, so she pressed send call. "You can explain why you're impersonating an officer of the law."

This man took her cell from her, ended the call. Before she could begin to argue, he struck her hard and fast in the jaw. The street and the world around her faded to black. She aroused on the grass. A male passerby who had been walking his dog had witnessed the interaction and he helped her as the car drove away from her. He caught the plate number and he moved her from the street. He called 911 and she awoke to medics and cops.

"Ma'am, can you say what happened?" The young police officer asked her when she roused.

She described her morning with Ray. She continued to the short distance she'd walked and having seen the same car with the same men, she approached them and demanded their identity and their purpose for watching her brother in law or her. She described the man's arrogant demeanor and the glock he had strapped on his chest with a bullet proof vest beneath a white button up shirt. She gave him a description of the man and then went on to say she saw a fake FBI badge.

"How do you know it was a fake, ma'am?"

"I've been interviewed before by the FBI." She answered. "They were not FBI. They were not cops."

"How do you know they were-"

"The FBI does not assault pregnant women and leave them unconscious in the street!" She screamed at the young cop. "The FBI does break cell phones. They get warrants for such things. Dude, how long have you been a cop?" She asked sarcastically.

The medic separated her from the officer and drove her off to the hospital. Another afternoon spent at Mav General with a CT scan of her brain and an x-ray of her face.

"Nothing is broken and there's nothing wrong with my brain." She argued with the staff around her. "I'm pregnant. Is all this safe?" She asked as they wheeled her from the CT room.

"Yes, Julia. I assure you. It is necessary and you are safe."

The x-ray's she had in the ER bay, a shield over her abdomen to protect the baby from the X-ray process. Jayson found her sitting on a stretcher in the ER after getting Ray's phone call.

"You alright there?" He asked, touching her face where it had swelled and bruised.

"I am pissed." She said angrily. She detailed the entire morning and early afternoon.

"Julia, I told you to get away from them. You don't listen."

"I didn't think they'd assault someone visibly pregnant, Jay. Who does that?"

"They do, obviously. Is Care ok?" He asked, rubbing her over the sheet. "Why on earth were you over Sandy's anyway, Jules?"

"Chess was home overnight."

"Oh, so you're working things out or-"

"I don't get into your business, don't get in mine."

"Fine. Geeze, you still got the ring on for Christ's sake. Why are you so angry at me?"

"I'm angry about this whole thing." She answered as the ER doc entered the room.

"Looks like a concussion, Mrs. Morgan. Your head CT is clear and so are the X-ray's. Apply ice for the facial swelling and take Tylenol for discomfort. I'll have the nurse come in with your discharge instructions."

"Thanks." She replied. When the doc left, she looked at Jay. "I told them I was fine."

"You don't look fine, Mrs. Morgan." He said, sarcasm in his voice. "You look beat up."

"That's because I was beat up. I didn't even have a chance, Jay. I could have ducked or moved or something. I just stood there like an idiot and let him take me out like that."

"Julia, you can't be fighting and-"

"I know, I know." She whined, then winced as her face was starting to hurt over her right cheek and eye.

The nurse discharged her and sent her home with concussion information and things to watch for. Jay drove her home in her dad's car and took her inside, settling her in on the sofa with her snacks and her drink and her lap top. He placed an ice pack on her face and brought her two Tylenol. Then he sat on the floor next to her and read over the discharge instructions, the concussion instructions and the 'things to watch for' paperwork that the ER sent home in her folder.

"Jay, I am fine."

"I see how fine you are." He nodded as he continued reading over the paperwork. "Where's Alex?" He asked. "He here?"

"Look in the basement. I don't know. I just got home." Jay got up and went down the basement. He came back pretty quick, and he sat next to her again. "He down there?"

"Nope." He answered pretty fast. "Jody is with the new princess."

"Oh, lucky him." She sighed, setting the lap top at the end of the sofa. She turned the TV on. "You can leave, Jay."

"Why? You want me to? I haven't seen you in a few days."

"What's there to see?"

"Why are you so fucking angry at me?" He asked. "I can't be your friend? That's a problem?"

"Nope."

"Why are you lying? You always say 'nope' when you're lying."

She was quiet.

"It's Stef?" He asked. She flipped through the channels. "It's Stef." He stated as a fact. "Jules, what's wrong with Stef? I like her." He watched her as she tried not to cry. "She's not you. Fuck, Jules. You told me that I shouldn't be with you. I was willing to work it out and you got all sensible and told me to leave you alone."

"Jay, it's fine."

"You screwed up."

"I know."

"And you're mad at me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"You left me."

"You told me to leave you." He argued. "I leave you, get wound up in this other person, which I didn't expect to do, and now you're mad at me?"

"Yes."

"I did it to get back at you. She was a one night stand."

"You obviously do not comprehend the concept of a one night stand, Jay."

"That's what Tavin said. And then you still pushed me away. You wouldn't speak to me, but she did. She has bomb pussy and good weed." Julia laughed. "I know. Believe me, babe, I didn't expect anything like this." He sounded so honest.

"You coulda let one pussy dry before jumping in another." She said, pushing his shoulder.

"I could say the same for you. You went back to Chess. What the fuck is up with that?"

"I have no idea." 

"I don't like that. The baby and all. Ugh, I don't wanna think about it."

"Well, I don't know where it's going if anywhere at all."

"He dumped Macy, Julia. You made him leave her?"

"He did that on his own. I don't make him do anything."

"He owns you again?"

"No, God, no. He doesn't own me."

"So he's not tying you up or anything with Care in there?"

"No, Jay. I wouldn't let him do that shit to me. I don't have the energy for all that nonsense." She argued. "Jay, we watched TV and talked and he drove over here and got my machine then he brought me a frosty and fries from Wendy's."

"Nothing weird, please."

"No, normal stuff. You know."

"I'm not sure what normal is anymore."

"Well, what you consider normal may not be everyone's normal. Not that it wasn't good, cause that's not what I mean."

"Remember the night that we fucked? The night you fucked me. I met the slut."

"Yes."

"I'm with her all the time."

"You don't like the slut, Jay. I had to put the slut away, Jay. I told you that slutty sex is dirty and fun sex, that's all. But you were like, oh, no. You put so much emphasis on the word slut, trying to get me to be someone in bed that I am not anymore."

"I changed my mind."

"With another slut, Jay?"

"No, she doesn't know any other way. You do."

"You ass, so it's ok to fuck a slut, just not this one."

"She said to thank whoever trained me." He grinned.

"Oh, she's fucking welcome."

"I never had it like this before."

"Jay, are you seriously trying to insult me right now?"

"I'm serious, Julia. I swear it's so good, Jules."

"You're pissing me off. Know what happens when you have relationships based on sex, Jayson Keller?"

"What?"

"Me and your brother. That's what fucking happens, then what's fucking left? So I suggest you get to know this girl really good. Will you be able to stand her when the pussy's not good anymore?"

"I put up with you, so yeah."

"That easy? You'll put up with someone who you have no connection to."

"Why do you think I don't have any connection to her?"

"Fine, Jay. I'm happy for you."

"You're as happy for me as I am for you."

"I am not ready to have conversations like this with you. The girlfriend is wonderful conversations."

"So, you know exactly how I felt when you talked about Tav and Chess, then." He shrugged. "I'm gonna go." He said, getting to his knees. He leaned into her. He kissed her cheek. "I love you, mama." He smiled.

"I love you, too." She smiled at him as he kissed her cheek again.

And his mouth moved to her lips. "I love you."

"Jayson,"

His mouth covered hers.

Chess...she thought...."Jay, get the fuck off me." She pushed him away.

"I'm sorry, Julia. I thought-."

"Jayson, it's ok, but damn, Jay. You're just telling me how you like this girl."

He took her hand and pulled her off the couch. He kissed her again. His hands gentle against her cheeks.

"Oh, Jay, I don't think this is the best idea you ever had."

"Fuck it." He led her upstairs into her bed.

"Oh, Jay, this isn't a good idea."

His mouth kissed her again, silencing her. Chess...she thought..."I don't think this is a good idea." He pulled her shirt over her head. "Jay, are you possessed by the devil or something?" She asked, letting him strip off her pants. "Jay, I can't do this with you. Chess-"

"Fuck, Chess." He said, so out of character for him. He took his clothes off and noticed she was pulling off her ring. "No, leave it on." He said, laying her down.

"I can't. It's not ours."

He was inside of her. "Oh, Jay, this is not-"

"You're thinking about it."

"This is wrong, Jayson." She protested.

He separated her thighs, drawing them open wide. "Tell me to stop." He teased her. His mouth over her chest to her breasts, his hips moving between her legs. She felt herself coming. He pulled out.

"Jay," She whined.

He went back in, hips working a rhythmic motion till she came. "Tell me to stop, babe." Jay told her as she came.  He stayed with the same rhythm, the same confidence as he made her come again and then again. He finished with her on her last orgasm. "Five deep, Mrs. Morgan." He smirked, kissing her one last time.

"Oh, come on. I was mad when I said that."

"Yep." He agreed, dressing in his clothes in a hurry.  

"I am so sorry. If I could take it back, I would, Jay."

"So, Jules, every time he's in you and you look at that ring, please think of me."

"Are you that mad at me that-is this some way of getting back at me and him?" She asked, pulling on her robe. She looked at her ring.

"I gotta go." He answered. Not the answer she was hoping for. He opened her bedroom door and passed his brother as he left.

"What are you doing here?"

"Fucking with her head." Jay answered, passing Tavin on the steps. Tavin turned and followed him.

"Jay, man, are you ok?" He asked as he head through the door in a hurry.

"Yeah, I gotta go."

"What the hell did you do?" Tavin cautiously climbed the stairs to her room. He found her fuming mad.

She paced her floor. "I swear to God, Tav. What are you doing here?"

"I live here. Were you in bed with him?"

"Oh, he fucked me alright."

Tavin laughed. "Damn."

"He made me."

"He did?" Tavin asked, finding that difficult to believe. "Jayson forced you-"

"No, I half assed agreed to this." She yelled. "What is wrong with that kid?" She asked. "He's just not right."

"What did he do, Julia, that was so horrible?"

"He's angry."

He grinned. "So keep your mouth shut and say nothing to no one."

"I'm a dirty whore."

"Embrace it or cut them off." He suggested. "On the bright side, you won't get pregnant."

"Ha, very funny."

"So what the hell happened today?" He pointed at her face.

"Ray and his delusions happened today. I jumped bump first into his men in black."

"The men in black did this."

He turned and left her.

"There's a witness and a plate number and a police report, Tavin."

He returned to her room, stared at her in total shock and awe when she detailed her confrontation with the driver of this car. He'd already spoken with the medic who treated her, but he got the full story from Julia herself.

"You sure the badge was a fake?"

"I have been interviewed and interrogated by the FBI before. I have had their badges in my face, especially after those books came to light and then after we jumped, they found the books in Downing's room and they interviewed me then, Tavin. I'm not an idiot." She reminded him. "The FBI doesn't assault pregnant women and leave them in the street unconscious. They get warrants for cell phones. They got one when Jay shot me. Remember?"

"Are they here now, Julia?" He joked.

"This is not funny." She snapped. "Look at me."

"Awe, I see." He said, reaching to touch her swollen cheek, he pressed lightly over the cheek bone and around her eye socket.

"I had a negative x-ray." She reminded him as he assessed her face.

"Ok. At least you're alive. You scared?"

"No." She answered. "Not till I got knocked out." She threw her hands up in frustration. "This day just sucks, Tav."

"Well, I'll be here if you need me."

"You always are."

"When there's no one else, there's always me." He smiled, turning away from her to find Kelly and Tarin. "Jules, where's Kell and Tarin?" He called a moment later.

"I don't know. I was out all night. I was on my way home when I lost my street fight."

Tav came to her a few minutes later. "She's home."

"Oh, ok."

"Jules, is she alright?"

"I guess." She answered, heading to the bathroom. She turned on the shower. "Why? In what way?"

"Every fucking way." He answered watching through a gap in the door as she dropped her robe on the floor. He could clearly see her reflection in the mirror behind her. "I'll be back. Her mom is pissed off."

"Ok, good luck. I'm here if you need me."

She listened as he left the house. "When no one else is, there's always me." She sighed, feeling the exact same way he felt a short while before.

Within a couple hours the house filled back up again. Julia made dinner and Tatia came home with Karen and Cal. Alex came home from Julia, too's and Jody finally crawled out of the basement with Rebecca. They were surprised when they all sat for dinner. There was no odor of cooked food, and they balked at the sight of salad. Not Jody. He didn't question her or her meal choice. A bed of lettuce, slices of tomato and a scoop of chicken salad, handmade by her with left over chicken from another day that week. Reluctantly they ate, they were surprised it was as good as it was considering the poor display.

Rebecca stared lovingly at Jody and spoke when she was spoken to. She was shy and polite and sweet. She dressed plain and covered herself, none of the skimpy clothing that Julia was used to seeing out on the street or the clothes that she wore herself around the house. Whatever Jody had going on in that basement was working out and he was happy with the second princess who, after dinner, he escorted home on his way to work.

Cal and Karen head to work and left thanking her for dinner.

Julia got Tatia ready for bed and they were watching a movie when Tavin came home with Tarin and no Kelly. He set a bag on the counter and he set the baby on Julia's lap.

"Tatia, go play in your room." He said. Tavin was angry and Julia shooed Tatia up the steps as she cradled Tarin in her arms. He slept soundly, his little baby noises made Julia melt. His warm little body, his olive skin.

"Julia, you said you're here if I need you."

"Yeah, what's up? Where's Kelly?"

"She is at home with her parents and her brothers." Tavin pulled the contents of the bag out and placed them on the counter. Formula. "I can't fucking believe this shit." He opened the bottles he bought and he started washing them out well. Then he looked at the formula and started reading the directions. "I took him."

"Oh. Are you allowed to do that? Just take him?"

"As far as I am concerned, yes."

"What about her?"

"Julia has she been passing the baby off to you?"

"Oh, well, I watch him when she takes a nap, so yeah sometimes." Julia answered. "She's a new mom, she's tired and all. I understand. I love him, though. I don't mind."

"Did she have post-partum last time?"

"Um, not that I remember."

"Well, she thinks about hurting him every time he cries. Did she think like that there?"

"No, never."

"That's why she gives you the baby." He pointed at her. "She thinks he was a mistake."

"Oh, I didn't know."

"Like I need one more problem." He muttered.

Julia sensed the frustration from him. "It's not your fault, Tav." She got off the couch and she set the baby in the pack n play on the shelf bed that hung there on the rail. She went to Tavin. "Tavin, I see you're mad, we'll work it out." She said soothingly.

"Why doesn't she want him? I want him. I mean, at first I was mad, but now, looking at him. Why doesn't she-I don't understand you women." He had tears in his eyes, his face turning red. He felt like yelling, but he couldn't yell at Julia. "Not you, but what the hell is wrong with her?"

"Tavin, she'll be ok. The baby will be ok. We will work it out." Julia said again, taking hold of him. She hugged him. "You will be alright, Tavin." She stood in the kitchen with bottles and formula and Tavin and she witnessed the strongest man she knew completely breakdown. Once he started he didn't stop and it broke her heart to witness it. It broke her heart because it reminded him of his own mother leaving him. It reminded him of how he made the kids feel when he thought about sending them to live with the very mother that alienated him and Jay as kids. "Jules, I almost sent you outta here too."

"Tav, I'm right here. I didn't go. You changed your mind on all of it."

"Because of you having a temper tantrum in the lab."

"But you still didn't do any of it. You're good with us. You know that."

"I'm sorry, Red." Watching Tavin cry was like spotting bigfoot in the wild, a rarity. She let it unfold and when it ended, she left it end.

"Hey, it happens and then we deal with it." She assured him. "She'll get better, she'll think different and she'll come back."

"Mommy didn't."

"Oh, don't do this to yourself. Please."

He tended to Tarin when he woke and Julia made him dinner. The mood felt unsettled and the energy was off in the house. Perhaps because everyone was so sad. Julia fed the boy while Tavin ate and then she burped him and cuddled him.

"It's a shame, Julia. You'd be a good mom, you know."

"Oh, I don't wanna think about it." She said, rocking Tarin in her arms. "Can we please not think about it?"

"Seriously, we made it this far and this hasn't had anything to do with me. It was you two."

"It was everyone, Tavin. It takes more than one person."

She sent Tavin upstairs, because at 9pm he still sat in the kitchen in his uniform. He looked beat. He showered and he had planned on coming back downstairs, but Julia had already come up with the boy. She sat on Tatia's bed, reading a story to her and he listened from the hallway as Tatia picked out words she knew. When the story ended, Julia tucked her in and turned the light out, then closed her door. She walked the hall with the baby.

"How do you want this?" She asked him. "Tav, you want him in here or do you want me to take him or-"

"Stay with me."

"Ok, I'll leave him in here, then." She placed Tarin in his bassinette and she made sure he was comfy and on his side.

"No, you, I want you to stay with me."

"Huh?" It was her turn to sound confused. "Uh, I don't think that's a good idea."

"You spent the last two hours reminding me."

"That's just what I do, Tavin, it's not me reminding you of anything."

"Julia, you spent two hours reminding me why I love you, whether you knew it or not. I need someone I love tonight."

"Love. You're taking me there?"

"If you let me."

"Now? Tonight? You wanna get naked after the day we had."

"Seems like there's no better time." He replied. "Close the door. Don't make me get up."

"You gonna make love to me?"

"Nope. We don't make love."

"You gonna fuck me."

"Nope, we don't fuck either."

"What do you call it then?"

"Connecting."

Julia crossed the room and stood beside the bed. She clicked off the lamp. She took off her robe and she climbed on top of him. "You wanna connect. That's a strong word, Tav."

"I know that. It's why I said it."

"It opens us up, we don't like feelings." She reminded him, interlocking her fingers with his. She let the energy flow into him, creeping through his nerves to the place in his brain that held their memories and their feelings. The demons hid inside there underneath it all.

"Oh, that tickles." He shivered as the goose bumps erupted all over him.

Julia lowered herself onto him and rocked on him. "You want me to open it all up?"

"Everything." He said, placing his hand on her lower back. "Remind me, Julia."

He was right, it was the right time for him. He needed and she gave to him. Opening that place, brought all his feelings to the surface, and much like a drug, he used it and he shared it with her. On the coattails of all that seductive energy rode the negativity, the pain. That would come later. Tavin had talked about real, that they couldn't handle real and they were diving into real head first.

Julia felt him moving inside her, his lips against her skin, his hands as they caressed her and his words as he spoke them in her ear. She felt herself getting lost in that place, the feelings, the memories of how good it could be and he reminded her why they didn't do this together anymore. Eventually all that good energy would drain and they'd spiral together and then separately. She and Tavin didn't work out for a reason and while they shared his bed, for the time being, she forgot that reason.

As Tavin drifted off to sleep, feeling better, feeling happy, feeling high Julia lifted out of bed and separated herself from him. She thought about showering, but his smell tickled her nostrils and she didn't want to lose that feeling. She pulled on his tee, then slipped into the bathroom. Reminding Tavin reminded her why she let the connections fade. She hadn't felt anyone's connection in so long, she'd forgotten what it was like. As she came out of the bathroom, she heard Tarin waking and she scooped the baby up and took him downstairs. She left him sleep in peace and she took care of his son, thinking about the daughter she would never take care of. She sat on the sofa with the TV on, cradling a sleeping and warm live baby against her as she cried.

Jody startled her when he came home from work. He sat with her talking awhile. He was adjusted to this life. The house felt alive again, the energy was thick and heavy, but intoxicating. She let Jody take the baby and set him in the pack n play. He sat back with her and she held his hand and without him knowing and before he could protest, she jumped them through the darkness into the street in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

"Julia?" He gasped, looking to the right of him. He'd seen this home so long ago. He'd left her there. "How did you-"

"The house is full of energy, Jody. Did you feel it? That's what I needed. I needed energy. I recharged my battery and here we are."

"How did you recharge?"

"I reconnected with someone. I haven't connected in so long, since Antonio. Jo, are you sure?"

"Is she here?"

"She's somewhere." Julia told him, leaving go of his hand. Her eyes filled with tears.

"Awe, don't cry, Morgan."

She gave him a hug and she stepped back. "I love you, Jody."

"I'm going to find you."

"No, leave me alone. Don't ever go back there. I can handle it on my own."

Jody looked over the two story home with the tree lined front yard and the manicured lawn. A wrought iron fence surrounded the grounds. A lamp turned on in the window on the second floor and the curtains separated. A tall brown haired girl peered into the darkness of the front street and she spotted Jody and Julia on the walk. A moment later she emerged through the door and ran to the gate, then down the walk to them.

"Jody?" She asked, standing still, taking him in from head to toe. She couldn't believe her eyes. "Julia, you brought him back." She whispered as she hugged her Jody. The emotional Tia looked older. "Oh, my Jody." She cried on him, holding him around his shoulders a few minutes. "I never thought I would see you again. I tried, Jody, when Chess came back without you. I tried, he told me to try."

"We tried too, T." He said, holding onto her. "It's been so long."

Another light flicked on inside the house. Another curtain slid open and they looked to the window. Julia stared into her own face. "Told you I wasn't dead." She mumbled, pointing at the house.

"No, you're not. A lot has changed." Tia mentioned. She separated from Jody and stepped away. She turned.

"T, what do you mean?"

"Julia, you understand?"

"I do." Julia nodded.

Julia watched as her counterpart slipped away from the window and made her way to them on the walk. She stood face to face with a future Julia Morgan...Julia, herself. "You finally got around to this? Us?" Julia raised her voice, angry and barefoot and so small. Am I really this small? Julia asked herself. "You think this is small? What have you done? You screwed everything up." Julia said angrily.

"She is an angry one, Jo." Julia mentioned.

"Why on earth would you submit to him? Can you read?"

"Read? Read what? Chess took parts out. There's gaps in the books."

"I'm not surprised. That man drives me crazy." She looked at Julia, wearing Tavin's tee shirt, spying the bump on her belly. "You can't have that baby there. No. I wouldn't advise that."

"Where? The lab?"

"Yeah, you can't ever go back to that lab or have anything to do with it."

"But she's infected."

"Do not go back to that lab. Come with me."

Julia led them through the yard to the house and inside in the middle of the night. Tia shut the gate behind them and walked quietly, holding Jody's hand into their house. Julia was led to her own bedroom, whether permanent or temporary, she wasn't sure. The room was tiny and sparse, which didn't come as a surprise. A child slept in her bed aside her. Julia went to her. "Antonia?" Julia gasped, reaching for her daughter's hand. She felt her brown skin and she ran her hand over her long brown, braided hair.

"Julia, time flies."

Julia asked. "How far did I jump?"

"He needs to leave. With you and go back where he came from."

"This is where he came from."

Julia rummaged through a box in the corner of her room and handed her a notebook. The name on the front of the book was Caroline. She handed her another small spiral bound notebook with the name Samuel written on the cover. She held up her notebook with the name Antonia on the cover. She handed it to her. "I will start another for you." She smiled.

"I never met Antonio Freeman, but I know him because of what you left for me and so will she. She is the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Oh, I miss her so much." Julia said, caressing the brown braids that hung from her scalp. "She looks like her dad. He-I loved him. He reminded me of-"

"I miss Jayson. How is he?"

Julia summed up Jayson in one word. "Stef."

Julia nodded. She grinned. "Fuck it. That was his thing back then. He would say fuck it and do whatever he pleased."

"Yeah, he said that. Fuck it. So unlike him. He was kinda mean to me."

"Get used to it. It'll happen for awhile."

"So he's the one?"

"We have a lot of ones." Julia replied. "He'll come back. He always does. We always let him." She opened a drawer on her vanity and she pulled out a picture. "My favorite picture of us."

She set it back in the drawer. "You smell like his brother. Lord, we should wake him."

"I just left him."

"What fun we'd have with him. Could you imagine?"

"I can imagine, yes. Where's Chess?"

"At home with Macy. Where he belongs."

"What happened in New Jersey?"

"You tell me." She retorted. "That husband of mine will follow your pussy anywhere. It's his weakness. The young and tight Julia. The docile and trainable Julia. The Julia that believes in love and the bond that ring on your finger holds." She reached into the box again and she handed her another book. "New Jersey. I would like to forget it anyway, so here you go. Happy reading." Julia smirked, looking at the books. She pointed to the journals Julia held in her lap. "Let's go. Gather up Mayers and get him outta here."

"But Tia-"

"Has her own life. He doesn't have to go home with you. But he's gotta go somewhere other than here."

Tatia led Jody through the house to the second floor and she brought him to her world. Her room, decorated and packed with things that Tatia loved and cherished. Some things didn't change, but Tia had. She settled. She moved on. Life fell apart and typical of all the people she knew, she got back up and she moved on. She grew up, she never got over Jody, but as the days and months, then years passed, she made her life the way she chose. When the boys came back from New Jersey minus Jody and Julia and Allen, she had taken to consoling a very lost and broken Greg Mayers. In turn, Greg Mayers did some consoling of his own.

"Jody, I hope you understand."

"Understand that you're in a relationship with my brother." He replied.

"A marriage with a man that took care of me. He takes care of your princess."

"My brother, T?" He asked again as she led him through the second floor corridor to their room. Greg lay sleeping in the bed they shared. They passed him quietly.  She smiled, looking over a small bed. A small boy slept behind a room divider. "Alex." She whispered.

"You never did understand the calendar." He remarked, poking her arm.

"I still do not grasp the concept." 

She led Jody out of the bedroom. "Have you found someone?" She wondered, pulling their door shut. She led Jody back to the parlor, holding onto his hand once again.

"No, I am seeing someone, but...loving someone without guilt again, Tia..."

"No, my Jody, do not feel guilty. I wouldn't want that for you."

"It's been a few months, Tia."

"It's been a few years, Jody." She whispered, walking him to the parlor where they stood in the doorway.

"You love him and he treats you right."

"Yes, oh yes, Jody. You're so much alike, it was hard not to fall for him." She placed her hands on his face, rubbing his brown stubble. "Jody, what would you have me do? Now?"

"Nothing. Live. Raise your son."

"We gave him your name, too.  Alexander Joseph. I wish this could have been us. I wish this-"

"Shhh, no. Don't do this. Tia, you weren't doing this an hour ago, so do not do this now."

"You weren't here an hour ago. Jody, memories are just that, but to have you in front of me alive and well and safe."

"Where's Julia?" He asked. "I need Julia."

"I imagine she's with Antonia. Up there talking to herself. How strange is that to come face to face with your very own self?"

"I would prefer that to this." Jody said, letting her touch his face. He closed his eyes. He wanted to remember her soft hands against his face, he'd felt her so many times touch him and had never truly memorized how she felt until that moment.

"You go back. Your small companion needs you to protect her."

"You're reading me."

"I can connect too. I may see you again, my Prince." She left go of him. She stepped away as the footsteps were heard on the stairs.

"It's supposed to feel like fire."

"Not when it's joy." She smiled.

Julia met him at the door, holding onto notebooks. She took his hand. "We're going home, Jody?"

He nodded his response as he accepted her grip and led him outside.

Julia and Tia stood in their doorway and watched as Julia waddled off with Jody into the night, then dissolved into the darkness.

They appeared on the sofa sitting beside each other and for the second time that night, she held a boy who wept in her arms with tears flowing onto her chest. "Jody, it's all gonna be ok. It might not seem like it now."

"She's upstairs. I will spend everyday with her. Thanks, Julia."

Julia caught a couple hours sleep before Tarin woke up again. She tended to him and started the day in the house. She had changed and fed, played and fussed and set him in his swing where he drifted off back to sleep. Tavin woke and came downstairs looking for them. He found her awake on the sofa with a notebook and a book light, reading and crying.

"What's up?" He asked. When she closed the book, he read the name on the cover-Antonia Morgan Freeman. She flipped a couple pages and she showed him a drawing. Antonia at 2, then later in the book, age 3, then a few pages later, age 4 and so on.

"Shit, Julia. She's beautiful."

"I took him home."

"He belongs there."

"I brought him back."

"Oh, well, maybe he belongs here."

"You're down here early. The baby's been up and back to sleep."

"I know. I heard you." He said to her. "You could have left him with me."

"You can start tonight."

"I wanted to wake up with you."

"You wake up to me every morning."

"I'm not arguing with you. Come up." He stated, holding her shoulders as he stood above her. "Get off the couch and come up." He repeated to her. He tugged her ponytail. "Red," He held his hand out to her. She took it, letting him lead her.

"It feels good right now, Tavin."

"It'll run its course." He said, holding what used to be her waist. He closed the door and backed her to the bed.

"Until it runs its course, you know what it does to me, how this feels." She held his shoulders as he laid over her. She felt him hard inside of her, in and out of her, his mouth on hers as he reached over the belly to her mouth to kiss her.

"I know exactly how this feels, Red." He said when he finished. He held himself above her on extended arms, looking down at her as the sun started to shine through the window on her.

"Feels like you're gonna be late, if you don't get off me."

He dropped and kissed her again. "It's gonna be a better day, Red."

She locked her legs around his waist. "Sure about that?"

"Positive."

"Do it again." She wiggled her hips, rubbing against him.

"I'm gonna be late." He smiled, dropping over her and kissing her forehead.

"Skip breakfast."

"I just did." He separated from her and went to get dressed.

Julia slept when Tarin slept and later got up with Tatia and Alex when they woke for the day.  Jody rose for the day in the early afternoon. He seemed down, but brightened when his princess made a fuss over him. "You sick or somethin'?" She asked.

"Nah, I'm ok, T."

"I can help you, Jodeeee." She said in her sing song voice. Tatia ran off and she fetched her doctor kit full of plastic accessories. "I can fix you up." She said quite seriously.

"Tati, leave him alone." Alex said over the counter as he read the notebook about the great state of New Jersey.

"There's no fixin' you, Alex." She snapped at him.

Tia worked on Jody until she felt he was all better. When she put her kit away, Jody suggested she get her shoes on and they go out for awhile. He said he'd take her to the park for awhile. "Get your shoes, princess. We'll go out. We'll have fun."

Alex waited till Tia took the stairs away from them.

"It is easier to consent to madness and participate than it is to defy madness and let him have control over me." He read aloud. "He called himself Raven and he was their leader. He called his men and he had them bring me to him."

"Alex, what on earth?" Julia asked as she readied their dinner for the crock pot.

"I have met men similar to Raven. I have met evil men and I have met kind men. I have had the pleasure and displeasure of both." He paused. " 'A female. She wears the uniform of Pennsylvania infantry.' He told me. He knew women were not permitted in the infantry. He cut my name off the uniform pocket and I would have preferred he cut my flesh. No one mutilates infantry clothing. No one removes the name from that uniform until the infantryman is laid to rest. He defiled my uniform. I am my uniform. I am infantry. Morgan, Julia-022695-Pennsylvania-original infantry. Morgan, Julia-022695-Pennsylvania-original infantry. He demanded I speak. I spoke-'Morgan, Julia-022695-Pennsylvania-original infantry'. I thought I would die on the spot. He cut me out of my uniform. I stood before him in my bare flesh. I thought I would die. 'Daniels, Jack-051599-Pennsylvania-original infantry. So what, Morgan, are you doing in New Jersey?' Jack Daniels. Whiskey. I would have cut the uniform up myself for a couple shots of Jack at that very moment. I stood freezing cold in the nude and in front of Jack 'Raven' Daniels. 051599. Original infantry. Pennsylvania, one of our own."

"Alex, please." Julia said as she placed the roast in the crock pot.

"You were kidnapped."

"Taken prisoner from the sounds of it." Mayers corrected him.

"And I am humiliated obviously."

"There were a lot of original infantry at the time of infantry's infancy. Anyone who wanted to clear a street who owned a knife or a firearm could have been labeled original infantry. Those of us who took it seriously and made a life of it still wore our names on uniforms. Those who didn't wound up in New Jersey like Raven, citing a number and a name. Hector or Hilda were considered original infantry. There were the originals and then there was a mockery of the originals and I stood in front of one. It pissed me off."

Alex watched Jody and Tatia leave the house. Once Tatia was out, he continued reading.

"-Why are you in New Jersey, Morgan, Julia-022695-P.O.I.? -Vacation. I answered him, which bordered on the truth. If the truth be told, we were heading to the shore only we were taking the scenic route that was scattered with dead and embedded in nests. I focused on Raven. I focused on his words and his demeanor, trying to figure him out, trying to decipher some clue about him. Considering I was bound by my wrists and I had been stripped and left shivering in the October cold, I doubted our encounter would be pleasant. I did not think about my husband who would look for me. I did not think about Jody and that damn jeep. I did not think about the bag I had lost as that came later. Those thoughts I used to distract myself as he forced himself on me."

"Alex, read to yourself."

"Like Caleb Downing and Shane Dixon, Raven was another miserable human life that I would remove from this earth. This one I would not watch Jayson cut his throat and this one I would not watch Chess empty a clip in him. This one I wanted to avenge on my own." Alex paused. "I realized I had to be part of the madness to endure this madness and then flip that whole madness back onto him."

"I can't, Alex. Please." She crossed the kitchen and she pulled the notebook away from his hands.

"Who is Shane Dixon, Julia?"

"Do not read another word." She warned him.

"You already know this guy. He's not the future is he?"

He pulled the book from her hands.

"Alex, women are not treated kindly in that world."

"Or this one. Were you raped by Shane Dixon?"

"Yes. But, we don't talk about Philly. Ever. Do not ever repeat it."

"Why?"

"Do not mention his name again until the zombies are at the door. For my sake and for Chess's sake. This is so much more than a rape at a college dorm."

Alex closed the New Jersey notebook and watched as she moved around the kitchen, belly protruding from beneath an Aero cami and her shorts as they hung loose off her hips.  "Well, I understand you a whole lot better now."

"Why? What's that mean?"

"I see why you isolate yourself. I see why you don't leave the house or them. They won't hurt you. You're safe here with us. " He explained. "I see why you like living in zombie world. No one can hurt you there. There, you can carry a weapon. There, you can hurt whoever comes at you. Here, you have no defense. It's us. We're the defense."

"I'm not scared."

"When was the last time you went out alone?"

She pointed at her face. "Alex, stop it."

"It's the truth. They're not keeping you around, you're keeping them around. You need them." He was guessing, but gauging by her reaction, he was closer to the truth than Julia would like. "How's Jody fit into all this? Is he your back up? You haven't used him yet."

"Alex Keller. Used? I wouldn't use him."

"I didn't mean like that. Not in a bad way."

"He's a kid."

"He's only a couple years younger than you."

"You have to understand the context of our relationship. I lead, he follows. It's not as bad as when he first got here. He stopped calling me Morgan. He stopped calling them Sir."

"You're infantry together."

"Yes, we're infantry. We weren't friends. At least we didn't start out that way. I consider him one now." She explained. "Listen, it took months to get my head away from there and now you're taking me back." She tried taking the book from his hands.

"But Julia, I wanna read it."

"It's probably not a PG version of events." She warned him.

"It talks about my death though. Shouldn't I be able to read that?"

"Read to yourself. I don't know what she wrote either, Alex. There might be stuff that's private-"

"Like you and Tavin last night?"

"Oh, I-uh-."

"I came up to piss, Julia. I can hear."

"Remember when I said I would fix things? And you asked how and I said I had my ways."

"That's how?" He asked, shock on his face as he was seeing a whole different side to Julia.

"Sometimes. Honestly, yes." She answered. "Look, there's things in these books that you might read that might surprise you about me. So read at your own risk."

"Understood."

"And Tavin-"

"I won't say anything, but Julia-"

"It's over with Jay, Alex. Like it or not. Our family doesn't change, he's still part of it. You'll understand one day how it feels to be in his position."

Tavin brought home good news and bad news. Kelly's mom took her to her physician and her GYN in regards to the post partum depression. She admitted to the negative thoughts she had and Kelly self-admitted to inpatient hospitalization to be treated. She called and talked with Julia before she left. She explained herself, which was hard to do.

"We'll work it out. Get your head right." Julia told her.

"I'm sorry." She cried.

"We all will take care of Tarin. Kelly, you take care of you."

"I'm so messed up."

"Look I put the me in mental. So deal with it. You'll be fine. It happens."

She voluntarily admitted herself for evaluation and to start medication. Her mom stopped by to see the baby after admitting her to the hospital. She spent an hour visiting, which gave Julia a break. She admitted she didn't need much of a break as Tarin was an easy baby, very even tempered and docile, calm, easy to please. "Boys are different from girls. From the beginning." Her mom, Kate noted. "If you need help, I am right around the corner practically."

"I know. You guys have the boys, though."

"And you have your own life, so if you need us, call."

"I have no life. Trust me."

Jayson was the next visitor. He passed Kelly's mom, said hello and gave her a hug. He waited outside on the walk by the steps as Julia stared him down. "Is it safe?" He asked, looking up at her.

"What do you think?"

"Why's Kelly's mom here?"

"Kell's in the psych ward. I have the baby. She stopped by to visit and offer to babysit if I need a break."

She turned and went in the house as he followed her. He pressed a finger lightly against the rear of her neck. "Mrs. Morgan, that looks fresh." He pointed out the hickey that she was unaware of. She hoped Kelly's mom hadn't seen it.

"Does it now?" She asked. "It's a bruise from my street fight."

"Sure it is." He smirked. "Hey, about the other day, Julia. I was out of line and I am sorry if I hurt your feelings."

"What feelings?" She smiled. "It was good angry sex. That's all."

"That was you angry?"

"No, that was me pregnant. That was you angry." She replied. She bit her tongue to avoid a fight. "Wanna see the future, Mr Keller?" She asked, tossing a notebook at him.

He looked at the cover of the notebook. The name across it read, Caroline. "You read that. Then you and me, we'll have a talk."

"You want me to read it now? Kinda thick." He fanned through the worn pages.

"Over the next couple days. Take your time."

"Where's it from?"

"I found some energy. I took Jody home." She replied.

"Awe, I'm sorry, Julia. I know he was your friend."

"I brought him back. He didn't find what he was looking for."

"Tia gone, Jules?"

"No, Tia is married to Greg with toddler named Alexander Joseph."

"Oh, shit. He ok?"

"Yeah, as good as can be expected. Julia said to say hello and a handful of other unmentionable things. "

"You met yourself."

"Yes, a lovely woman. She misses you."

"One of you does. That's awesome news."

"I'm trying to bite my tongue with you, Jayson. I'm trying very hard. Your attitude lately."

"Mine. I never complain about yours." He argued.

"Aren't you supposed to be at work?" She asked.

"I am covering Hector. He's on vacation. It's also summer so I work during the day to get ready for the school year right now. It's so much cooler than at night."

"Anyone at that school named Jack Daniels?"

"Like the whiskey?"

"Exactly like the whiskey. Jackson Daniels, May 15, 1999. He's infantry. He's younger than us so I figured he may be a student."

"Future friend?"

"Enemy. He's in the next book. But that is not your business."

"This one is?" He asked, tucking the book in his bag.

"Don't be a smart ass. Her name's on it. Read it and we'll talk."

"What is it?"

"Informed decision making. Fucking do as I ask."

"Fucking explain it."

Julia hurled a coffee mug at him. He ducked and it hit the wall by the laundry room door. He put his hands up. "Ok, I will. No need for that." He complained as she balled up her small fists.

"I will not apologize for that. You are purposefully being difficult."

"You just called me difficult? You, of all people. This is what it is like dealing with you on a regular basis and you're throwing shit." Jayson bent and picked up the broken mug. It was her mug, Julia Ocean City Maryland. "We could all be nicer to each other. Isn't that what you said?"

"Nice doesn't include you acting like a bitch."

"If I called you acting a bitch, you'd fucking freak out on me."

"Not if I was actually acting like one. You're acting like one. Stop it. I don't like this."

"Like what?"

"You're being so mean to me, Jay."

"I'm being mean? I'm not acting like your friend and I am not acting like your boyfriend or your counselor."

"Oh, that's what it was?" She frowned. "Get out. You don't live here anymore."

"I can be here, Julia. I'm allowed to be here."

"Then I will leave. You get dinner ready."

"That's your job."

"If it doesn't have to do with Caroline, then you don't speak to me."

"Tatia, Alex?"

"Talk to Tavin. I'm done talking. You're irrational."

"I'm-" She held her hand up at him, feeling like she was close to tears, then Tarin started crying. "I'll get him, Jules. Relax, geeze."

Julia started dishing out dinner and called everyone to the table. She took the baby off Jay and motioned him toward the table. Be nice, she thought. 'It'll happen for awhile', Julia, herself had said. How long's a while? I should have asked myself.

She occupied Tarin and Tarin occupied her. She avoided the whole dinner table conversation. She avoided interacting with Jayson, who had returned to normal, which indicated that she was the problem. Tavin appeared for dinner and made his own plate after stripping down and changing in the laundry room. He sat at the counter rather than the table.

"How was your day, streetfighter?"

"Good. Long." She replied, looking toward the kitchen. "Yours?"

"Longer. But we're alive. Any problems with the boy?"

"Not this one." She answered him.

"Are you still fighting with her, Jayson? You have a whole new girl to fight with."

"No, I'm not."

"How come you never bring her here?" Alex asked.

"She works at night." Jay said.

"She work all day too? We haven't met her."

"It's not a good idea yet, guys."

"Why not? You're into her, right?" Alex asked.

"She doesn't want to." Jay told Alex. "She doesn't think Julia would want her here, so she doesn't come with me."

"You care what I think now?"

"No, I don't. She does."

"Oh, well she's welcome in our unconventional household. Maybe she can tell us about zombies." Julia sighed, stretching out on the sofa with the baby.

"You check your sugar?"

"I haven't eaten yet. You guys finish. I'm gonna hang out with my favorite baby."

"I'll take him. Gimme." Tavin said, getting off the bar stool at the counter. He took the baby, then offered her a hand up. They stood talking low a minute and Tavin took her spot on the couch. 

Alex made her a plate and he started clearing the table. "Want me to wash them, Julia?"

"I got it." She replied, looking up at Jayson. "It's my job, right Jay?"

"Julia,"

"Pick on me now. I'm not alone now."

"Julia, stop it."

"Am I annoying you, Jay?"

"The sight of you annoys me."

"You didn't seem to mind the sight-"

"Shut up. Stop." Tavin demanded. "God damn you are bitter."

"Bitter?" Jay repeated.

"Can't you two do what you always do and talk this out? Get naked or something?"

"Literally or figuratively. Which mood are you in?" Jay smirked at her.

Julia rose from her seat, leaving her plate untouched and her kit open on the table. She walked past them, through the living room and upstairs where she closed herself into her room.

"Jay, you're an ass." Tavin said, turning his head to look at him past the counter. "You could be more sympathetic."

"Sympathetic? Did you just say sympathetic? What do you know about any of this? You're just like her. You feel sympathy for her, I won't."

"If you won't talk to her, talk to me. Tell me about it, but picking on her and messing with her head isn't the right thing to do."

"You're going to lecture me on right and wrong?"

"She's pregnant with your kid. She busts her ass around here and she does it alone. She takes care of the baby cause Kelly is thinking about killing him. She does everything and she does it six months pregnant. She does more in a day than Kelly did in nine months. And she's thinking nonstop about losing that kid. She can't keep her sugar down, she feels all fat and bloated. She is still putting a smile on her face and she is trying her ass off to make this livable for all of us. Plus she was assaulted by Ray's men in black and left unconscious in the fuckin road. And you're giving her shit? That's fucking wrong, brother." Tavin ranted at him. "All while you dip out with your new girl. Jay, cut her some slack. I am not saying forgive her, but go easy on her till she can at least fuck you up."

"If you spent five minutes thinking about Kelly like you think about my girlfriend, then maybe she wouldn't be depressed enough to wanna kill off her own kid."

"She's not your girlfriend. I bent over backwards taking shit from Kelly. I tried. I did everything she asked me to do and then some. I got tired of begging and pleading for something out of her."

"If you quit comparing her to Julia, maybe she would feel better about herself."

"They're two different people, Jay. There is no comparison between the two. One is immature and needs to grow up. The other is too mature, overthinks everything."

"She's scared to leave the house." Alex interrupted.

"Since when?"

"Since forever. I was reading about New Jersey."

"For fuck sake she hasn't been there yet."

"But when she writes about one issue, it always leads back to another. This guy, Jack, is a real ass hole. He captures her in New Jersey. She talks about you and Chess. What you did."

"She wrote it down."

"I know what happened in Philly because she wrote about it in the Jersey notebook."

"What's the point, Alex?" Jody asked.

"Oh, she's scared." Alex explained his theory about Julia and her behaviors to his brothers and Jody. "She's not scared if she's protecting someone, because she puts other people before her. She's a victim. She could really use some counseling."

"She has."

"Those notebooks are written like fifteen years from now. She's still all fucked up from stuff that already happened."

"You talk to her and see how that goes."

"Either way, she's my sister. So back off my sister, Jayson."

"You're sister does whatever your sister wants regardless of whose feelings get hurt. I think you were feeling some kind of way because of her, brother, so before you start pulling that sisterly blood thing, think about it."

"I think you should all start worrying about yourselves as much as you worry about her. If I know anything, it's that Julia can take care of Julia. I have seen them both under extreme circumstances. I would follow either one anywhere. You should respect her even when you don't like her."

"Follow the leader, Jo." Jay said.

"Yeah."

Tavin had fallen asleep on the couch with the baby. Julia fell asleep in her room. Jay stayed at the house and hung out with Tatia till bedtime. Alex cleaned up from dinner and disappeared into the basement with Julia, too while Jody went to the pizza shop. The house was quiet minus the snoring from the living room. He made her a PB and J sandwich with a side of chips and he took her kit from the table. He wondered if she was still alive. He took it upstairs and went in her room. She woke up when he stuck her finger with the lancet. The pinch on the bruised pads of her fingers hurt her. All her fingertips hurt her.

"257, Julia. You have snacks up here don't you?"

She pointed to the dresser, top drawer she had all kinds of goodies. She sat up and he dosed her insulin. She ate the sandwich he made her and she shared the chips he brought.

"Thanks, Jay." She said quietly, munching on chips. "Where's Tarin?"

"With Tavin." He answered. "You get a new phone yet?"

"I haven't left the house."

"Cause you're scared?"

"Ha, no. You've been talking with Alex."

"Your little brother made some sense of it actually. He thinks you need counseling."

"So does Chess." She replied, looking at his hand as he took a chip from her plate. "It's hard for me to sit here with you, Jayson."

"It isn't easy where I sit either." He reached for her belly.

"Soon she'll be born and we don't have to do this anymore."

"It's what they say?" He asked, sounding hopeful that it wasn't what the doc had been telling them all along. His hand moved over her belly in a circular motion. "She sounds fine, though. Everything is normal on all the ultrasounds. Julia, I don't understand."

"Would you like to be surprised, Jayson? If you do, then leave the book on the counter when you leave."

"Uh, ok. I'm not sure I want to know."

"Well, you don't have to do this. You have a choice in the matter."

"You don't want me there?"

"No, I am not saying that, but I can handle anything. I can handle this on my own. You don't have to be involved at all."

"Jules, you think I can't handle this? What we lived through? Like I haven't lost before."

"It might be easier if she just slipped away like Hannah. That's all I'm saying."

He stared at her, unsure what to say. He couldn't argue with her as she looked emotional and sad. He hadn't had a serious Julia in front of him in a long time.

"Ok, Jayson. We'll do it together." She said. "But what about after?"

"After what?"

"After all is said and done, when I am by myself or you're by yourself. No one else will understand any of this. It's a unique situation, you know."

"I don't know. We'll find out."

"That's kind of what I like about you. You always look on the bright side, so positive. You took all that negativity and you thought about it and you look at life so differently from the rest of us. How do you do it?"

"Uh, I haven't thought about it." He answered as his cell buzzed in his pocket. He pulled it out and looked at the screen. "Stef." He smiled as his fingers swiped along the cell screen, texting her back.

"She can come over sometime. I don't bite."

"Oh, I don't know about that."

"Jay, if you like her and think there's something with her, then she's welcome. Ok?"

He laughed a little. "I'll let her know."

"Stef, you're fine. You're caught up quit obsessing over it."

"Thanks for helping me, Jay. You didn't have to." She said.

"It was my fault to begin with, Stef, so I wanted to."

Stef didn't blame him for anything. No matter how many times he explained it, Dr McGill had explained it differently. Jay had a misplaced sense of guilt. She was grateful he'd stayed with her. She was grateful he and his brother saved her life. If they hadn't been there, she would have never made it out of the apartment. She told him as much. 

She sat at the table with a lap top open in front of her. She looked at her bank account with her 11 dollar balance and moaned. It was painful to look at. She didn't have much of a cushion, but she once had more than 11$. If it hadn't been for Jayson, she would have lost her apartment. The pay check that she'd had direct deposited in her account had just disappeared to utilities and cable.  

"How am I gonna eat on 11$ and then I have school in a few weeks, Jay. I got the supplies, but books and-"

"Stef, you have the check from school, you got like three more checks before school starts."

"What check from the school?"

"I went online and I dropped you out of your classes. You didn't get the full tuition back, but you got like 75% back." Jay rolled his eyes. "I told you, Stef." He got off the chair beside her and reached to the counter. He set the envelope on the table in front of her. Another envelope was attached to it with cash inside. "I sold your books from summer one."

"My memory is still fuzzy, Jay."

"You stay high, Stef. That might have something to do with it."

 "You get high, too." She smacked his arm as she opened the envelope from school. Her jaw dropped when she opened the check. She was excited. "How'd you think to do this?"

"I've dropped outta school before. I did the same thing last year."

"Where did you come from?" The check was for more than she had as her cushion before she got sick.  She held up the check. "Wow, I can pay you back now."

"I didn't spend that much." He looked at the check.

"How's Julia?" She asked, tucking the envelopes back on the counter. She closed her lap top.

"She's alright." He answered. Stef got her pot out of her purse and he watched her roll. " She and Tavin said you could come over if you want. You don't have to feel weird about it."

"Oh, really, I would like that. Macy said some nice things about all of you, your family I mean."

"The entire group, huh?"

"Yes, Jay. She likes everyone. She said y'all were so nice to her and you all welcomed her in like you knew her."

"Mace is special. We all love her like family. She's cool. Well, you know."

"You know we aren't really cousins."

"You got the same last name, Stef."

"That's a coincidence. Our dads knew each other since high school. I call her dad uncle and she calls mine uncle. So we call each other cousin."

"Makes sense I guess."

"I was kinda not talking to her when she met Julia. We were both doing our own thing, but I remember her being real messed up on prescription drugs."

"Xanax and percs." Jay said.

"Yeah, you knew her then."

"A little, yes."

"Macy cleaned up and we started talking again. She went home to her dads and we hung out before she went back to school. She told me all about your Julia and what she used to do."

"Julia used to do a lot of things."

"I believe it's how you got my number."

"From Macy, yeah, you're her friend that, well, you know the rest."

"Was Julia the girlfriend that you were interested in hooking up with me?"

"She doesn't need help hooking up with girls."

"Oh, I was nervous. Macy said her friend and his girl were looking for a girl. Just a night, but Macy said she was really experienced and I am so totally not."

"Jess was my girlfriend and she is really experienced. She's just different, shy." Jay replied.

"You've never been with a girl, then?" 

"Nope, I strictly do guys, but I was gonna for the money when you canceled. Macy explained it, but till you actually do it...that's something else." She replied, lighting the joint. She handed it to him and he passed. "I messed around a little with Macy, just some kissing. I visited her at school over break and we were doing shots." She shrugged. "It's why I don't drink. I do dumb shit."

"I don't drink either."

"I usually go to meetings in the morning if I'm up. I used to go at night, but I work at night now."

"Oh, you're an alcoholic?" Jay grimaced.

"Yes, I am. It's why I don't live at home anymore. It's why I had to get a GED instead of graduating high school. I missed most of senior year passed out somewhere and then I spent a lot of time in rehab."

"Well, you will fit right in with my family, then. My brother's an addict, so is Jules."

"Ha, we're everywhere, Jayce. So I can't wait to meet the family." She said, taking another drag. "I'm kinda nervous. You know, all at once. Did you tell them anything about me? Like that I'm a whore and all?"

"Oh, my brother knows."

"It's not something I advertise, like it's not something I am real proud of."

"I know. But they know the rest, school and work and zombie infection."

"You tell them about our flipside?"

"No. It might come up."

"But there was some ugly stuff."

"Be honest. We all did ugly stuff. We all have our own story to tell. There's websites if you wanna know more or talk about it. We always talk to each other."

"How'd you get infected, Jay?"

"I never got infected. I am immune, so here or the flipside, I'll be ok."

"How'd you get there?"

"We died. Julia lived. She saved our asses, taught all of us how to survive there, then she showed us the way home."

"How'd you all die?"

Jay hesitated. "It's a complicated story."

"But-"

"It's not my story to tell." He shrugged. "It's hers and if she chooses to talk about it then so be it."

"Whoa, you're not usually so closed off. You know all about mine."

"Cause we survived it." He argued. "Stef, to tell this story it would take all night long and I would have to talk about shit I haven't talked about in a long time. There's some private things, Stef, between me and her and Chess that we don't talk about outside us, our group."

"You said we all have our ugly though. Be honest."

"Our ugly came before the first nights, before any flipside existed. It's shit that actually happened to us in real time. The flipside is easy to talk about. What leads us there is none of your business."

"Fine. I see. That's nice, Jayson. I'm not part of your group, so fuck Stef. Like my journey is not as real as yours. That's fucked up."

"It's personal. Even though others were involved, it's hers."

Stef was angry with him. "Stef, I can say I caused us to all wind up their through my actions. But the cause I can't talk about." She said nothing to him as she passed and he saw her crying. "I shot them." He admitted, giving her a peek inside the flipside. "Julia survived."

"Shot them? With a gun?"

"Yes. So basically we were dead."

"It's her fault?"

"Not entirely, no. I took the responsibility for it."

"Why did you shoot her?"

"I can't say."

"You don't trust me? After what we lived through and what we did for each other?"

Oh, my God...Jay groaned...there's two of them...they sound alike.

"It is not about trust, Stef."

"Then what's it about, Jay?"

"Loyalty. Keeping my fucking mouth shut. That's what it's about."

"Get out, Jayson."

"And go where? Stef, I kind of live here."

"Go to her since you're so fucking loyal." Stef stomped to the door and held it open for him.

"Are you serious, Stef?"

Stef, all 5 foot 3 of her, stood firm. She picked up the bat at the door and held it with confidence. "You taught me, Keller. Can you take me?"

Awe, fuck...she sounds just like her..."I can, but I won't." He answered. "You grew some balls, Stef. I'll give you that." He grabbed his bag and stood up from his seat.

"It's a shame you don't have any yourself."

She slammed the door as he stepped out. He stood on the opposite side of the door, staring at it. He took a couple steps and sat down, feeling insulted. But then again, he realized she was crazy, too. He'd been thrown out of worse places by the queen of bitches, the queen of crazy. Stef was a less threatening version of the original. With Julia, at this point of the game, he'd kindly remind her that he did save her life and their night would go on quite miserably for him. He felt as though he didn't have the time or the connection to Stef as he did his original version, so he scrolled through his phone and looked for an alternative locale to spend the night and exactly how he would arrive at said location as the busses weren't running at that hour. As he scrolled through his short list of contacts, he passed Chess's name. He arrived at Ray's number. Maybe the schizophrenic is up looking out windows? Jay wondered. He nearly dialed the number when Stef opened the door.

"Where are you going?" He asked as she looked pretty decent.

"Oh, uh, you're still here?" She gasped, surprised he had sat in her stairwell for any length of time.

"I said, where the fuck are you going?"

She'd put make up on and messed up those pretty blue eyes. He hated her in make up. She didn't need it. Her hair was down and flat ironed. She wore a revealing little half top and a short black skirt. She wore those nice black heels he liked.

"You threw me out so you can go where?" He asked, turning to face her.

"Uh, I called a friend and we were going out."

"A friend? Who's your fuckin friend?" Jay waited for an answer.

"Just a friend."

I heard that before..."Where you going looking like a total slut?"

"I'm old enough to go to a bar, Jayson."

"You're a fucking alcoholic, Stefanie."

"Well, you, who are you texting?"

"No one. I was gonna call my cousin for a ride. Maybe your friend could give me one."

"Oh, uh...shit, Jay...it's a guy."

"I figured that much." He sighed. "Looking all hot, you're just giving it away. One fight that you started and-" He calmed down. "You go. I'll have my stuff out by the time you get home with him." He stood up and he looked past her, then head inside. "I will not spend another minute arguing with one more alcoholic, bipolar, cheating slut. So, you go on."

"You spend a lot of time with her. Are you fucking her?" Stef yelled, following him inside.

"I don't spend a lot of time with her and no, I don't fuck her, Stef." The lie rolled easily off his tongue. He broke the rule. No lies. He'd dealt with his new little psycho for a year plus a few months in a zombie world of her own creation. As soon as they returned, she couldn't adjust or maybe this was how she was on the regular and he couldn't adjust to her. He couldn't be sure because he'd only known her a week before jumping with her.

"If you'd trust me with the truth none of this would be happening." She yelled at him.

Jay scrolled through the text messages and he texted Alex-is Julia awake?

He texted back pretty quick for as late as it was.-yes, she's feeding the baby.

Jay dialed Alex and he had him put Julia on the phone.

"It's kinda late, Jayson. You ok?"

"Yes, I am. Listen, I was talking to Stef and she's asking me all kinds of questions about the flipside."

"So what?"

"She asked how we got there. Like what happened that caused all of it. Do you want me telling her about it?"

"About what exactly. What do you think caused it?"

"Um, she's here so...about him."

"Him who? Caleb or Tavin?"

"Both I guess. Do you want me talking about that night?"

"With your new girlfriend, you wanna talk about me being raped? That's kinda weird."

"It has to do with it. Julia, yes or no."

"Yeah, it's fine. You don't need intimate details, but I think it's ok. It's not a secret. Jay, God, it's on the internet. They wrote books about him."

"Yeah, cool. Thanks. You alright?"

"Feeding the baby. Talking to Alex. He read about New Jersey and he has a million questions, so I guess we're talking about the same shit. Isn't it ironic?"

"Oh, should you tell him all about that? Julia, he's-"

"Jersey's notebook hit all the highlights of my dismal life."

Jay looked at Stef, this walking contradiction. She was pissed at him, but stood ready for a date with a friend. "Oh, well I can't wait to read it, then. Any surprises?"

"Nothing you don't already know. I, uh, thanks for calling and asking me. That's sweet."

"It happened to you, so..."

"It happened to us, Jayson. Yeah, so..."

"I tried."

"Don't do that, Jay. It's over. We did what we did. I love you."

"You said that on purpose."

"I love you, Jayson." She laughed, teasing him, knowing Stef was in the room with him. "You tell her, Jay? I'm looking at my ring and I am so thinking of you." The sarcasm was thick in her voice. "Love you." She said again.

"Me, too."

Jay tucked his phone in his pocket and he grabbed an empty duffel bag from the floor next to the bed. He chose to be difficult, but she chose to call someone else.

"Jay, she said yes?" Stef said patiently waiting on his answer.

"Oh, sure, cause that's how she is. It's a shame. You got a date."

"And I said I didn't want a boyfriend."

"Good. I don't want a girlfriend."

Stef turned on her black heels and she left him holding his empty bag. "You fell for me." She reminded him. She stopped in the doorway and she turned as she closed the door.

Jay dropped the bag and stared at the door in disbelief. How do I find these women? He asked himself. Stef wasn't gone long, though. She returned within five minutes and left herself back in her apartment. He hadn't even had a chance to leave.

"I'm going to fix this." She announced as she dropped her small purse on the floor beside her.

"How are you doing that?"

"I'm gonna do what I do best, Jayson."

She sounds just like her...as he watched her peel that slinky shirt over her head. He had an idea what she was talking about when the skirt came off. She slid the black material over her wide hips and she bent to the floor while she lowered it. This one didn't wear underwear or a bra either. Stef stepped out of the skirt which was in a circle on the floor and she left her heels on.

Julia set Tarin in the bassinette and she stood beside the baby watching him sleep. She turned her attention to his father as he slept as sound in his own bed alone. Julia crept over to the empty side and she curled up on her side and she watched the bassinette as she tried to fall asleep. She thought about Alex and the conversation she just had with him. She tried to handle that with some level of maturity as Julia, herself did not understand the word discretion as she penned that journal of hers. She tried to explain the situation with Caleb Downing, what led up to the night Julia, herself had written about. Shane Dixon, the personal details that he knew thanks to that journal. Details no one else but Julia, herself would be able to know. The words Shane Dixon had spoken and the humiliation of being assaulted for a second time. She hadn't read and wasn't sure she wanted to read the details of the nights she passed with Raven, if all it would do to her would drum up bad memories.  Alex swore it was worth it to get to the end of that year in the New Jersey burbs. He swore to her she would be pleased with the outcome.

But Julia had other things on her mind. She had Caroline to think about. Since having read that journal, she felt like she was mourning her already. Julia, herself had given her the blue print of what was heading her way and Julia wanted to avoid it and have something better, something positive come of it all. She hoped Jayson would read it and then help her somehow. She wanted to make decisions. She wanted to make this all so easy on them, but Jay's cooperation was iffy and his moods and feelings toward her were labile.

She lay crying and thinking of Caroline. She almost got up and she almost called Jay, but she couldn't. The one person she should be able to depend on was on his own little journey. As Julia, herself had scribed, he only went on one journey and it was without her but because of her. There was no escaping the fact that Jayson went out of there because of her. They'd eventually hack their way through this too and deal with it and the loss, but it would be a long way off. Despite the journal being titled, Caroline, Caroline herself took up only a few pages of that book. Her life would be short lived and unlike the journal, Julia wished Caroline Keller's life would end with some level of dignity, of that Julia was sure. The rest of the journal was as depressing as the beginning, then scary as it led up to the first nights. Julia could change all that if she chose, her reaction and her actions after losing Caroline were frightening, self serving and unhealthy. She could choose different for herself. She could choose to be a better person to herself and treat herself better. Choose the right people, Julia. Jay had told her that and she lay crying next to Tavin and she thought it over and over.

"Hey, Red," Tavin woke a moment, pulling her body toward him or his toward hers, she wasn't sure. "Come here, Red." He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. "We'll get through this, Red." He said, reassuring her as she'd reassured him. He pulled the sheet over them as she laid looking at the bassinette.

"It's not fair, Tavin."

"I know. It's not fair, Julia." He repeated. He didn't know exactly to which problem she referred, hers, his or both, but he wholeheartedly agreed with her anyway.

"It's fucked up, Tavin."

"I know, Red."

"I am fucked up, Tavin."

"You don't have to be. You control you, not everyone else."

"I-"

"Go to sleep, Red. Start all over again tomorrow. One day at a time."

It won't be much longer. It won't be much longer. It won't be...

One day at a time. Julia did the basics. She made the people around her happy and she took care of a baby and she slept whenever he slept. She passed her hours amusing Tatia and Tarin till she couldn't amuse them one more minute, till she finally could put them to bed. She put up a front for all of them all day, then she dropped into bed with Tavin at night in the dark and she lost it. She talked and she cried and tried to make sense of it all.

"Like I said, Red. When there's no one else, there's always me." Tavin reminded her as they sat miserably on the sofa at 4 o'clock on a Saturday afternoon. Still in pajamas and surrounded by snacks and drink bottles and baby bottles.

"Ditto, Tav." She yawned, looking around the mess of a downstairs.

He told her earlier in the morning that they were on strike for 24 hours. If there was not a crying infant at the other end of whatever was going on, they didn't care. They watched Star Trek re-runs and they did nothing else.

On this strike day when the place looked like it had been hit by a hurricane, that was when their people started showing up, or her people. Chess was first. He entered through the back door and as he came in, they wondered why he never used the front door or knocked for that matter. He helped himself to the fridge and tried to find a clean glass for his fruit punch.

"Where the hell have you been and why aren't you answering your phone? Did I do something wrong?"

"You don't need a phone." She said, peeking around him at the TV.

"You faded."

"Oh," She said, holding out her hand. She connected with her husband, tickling him to his brain and watched as he shivered, trying to pull away from the numbness and tingling in his left arm. She yanked his hand hard. "Stay still." It only took a minute and she opened it wide up for him, but blocked him from coming back at her. He didn't need to be reading her mind, especially after the week she had. Between the two brothers alone, he definitely didn't need to know about the trifecta fuck she'd achieved in a 24 hour time frame.

"What the fuck happened to your face?"

Julia took his hand back and showed him rather than telling him. She didn't wish to spend time telling him the whole story. He had an explanation for the phone as well.

-I thought you were mad, we spend the night together and you quit talking to me.

"Get outta my head. Speak freely. He knows."

"Sorry. You ok? You're grumpy. Men in black, huh?"

"M.I.B." She nodded. "I'm ok."

"Are they here now, Julia?" Tav droned.

She kicked his arm lightly where she lay across the couch.

"Have a seat somewhere, my king." She said sarcastically.

"Oh, Star Trek. Lovely." He grimaced as the Borg ship encroached on the enterprise.

"I am Locutus of Borg." Julia said in her fanciest accent, trying to sound like Jean Luc Picard.

"You will assimilate." Tav droned in his own accent.

"Where is Kelly?" He asked, noticing these two looked awful cozy in pajamas on this couch in front of him. He lifted Julia's legs and he sat down between her and Tavin then stretched her legs back over both their laps. He took the baby off of Tavin and cuddled him while he slept. Julia took Chess's hand while they watched the show and she showed him where Kelly went.

"Oh, shit, I should visit her. Is she still locked up?" He asked.

"What you visiting my Kelly for?" Tavin asked.

"She's out of balance with the universe."

"Join the fucking club." Tavin said. "What about Men in Black? Is he out of balance?"

"I don't know what that is." Chess replied. "Are we really going to watch Star Trek?"

"One of the best storylines. The Borg have captured Jean Luc Picard and they assimilated him."

As they watched Star Trek, Jay decided that was a good time to drop in with Stef. The three jumped as the front door opened. The three mumbled a hello as they came inside.

"Guys, this is Stef."

"Hi, Stef." The three replied, looking her over. She felt like she was being inspected, so she made sure she looked presentable and fretted over it the whole ride over there.

"You could have called. The place is a fucking mess." Julia said to Jay.

"Oh, it's fine. Really." Stef said. She did have a pretty smile.

"That's Tavin, Chess and Julia."

"Hey. What a cute little baby." She smiled. "This is Tarin I guess. Right?"

"Yes, that's him. So what's up? You look different alive and with clothes on." Tavin said, looking her over again. He did know her. She's anonymous. He knew her from meetings. She used to have brown hair, in fact. They both had the recollection at the same time. One meeting, a night of...

"Oh, my God." Stef said, her expression changed. "So, um, Tavin...I never did get to say thanks for saving my life."

"It's what I do. I had help." He looked at Jayson.

"You hanging out or-"

"We're here for Jody and Becca. We're going out. Can we have the car, dad?" Jay asked Tavin.

"Yeah, keys are over there. Hey, Napoleon looks like he could use a night out."

"No, thank you." Chess responded, declining that invitation. His wife and the brother looked too chummy. He wanted to hang with wifey. "Quit calling me that."

"Um, one day when the house is clean and we get dressed and I cook, you should come back. Stef, Jay talks about you a lot."

"All good shit I'm sure. He says we been together like a month, but he gets all fucked up when I remind him it's been like more than a year."

"He does that." Julia nodded.

"Sleep, Data." Jay said, putting on his Jean Luc Picard accent. "One of the best episodes ever."

"Where are Jody and Becca?" Stef asked uncomfortably as she recalled Tavin Keller's company. She was turned off by Star Trek as well.

"Probably fucking." Julia pointed toward the kitchen. Stef peeked into the kitchen, unsure if that was their location. Jay said his family was odd. "In the basement, Stef, not the actual kitchen." Julia smiled because the girl looked curiously for nudity in her kitchen. Someone had been telling her about their family. Whether Jay or Macy or both, she was unsure.

"Oh, duh, sure." She said, turning back to them.

Stef felt relief as Jody and Becca emerged from the basement room. They left in Tavin's car.

They eventually ordered dinner, cleared some space on the kitchen table and they invited men in black over to chat and eat with them. They ate, then played cards for a while, all waiting for Ray to start acting strange and he didn't. He acted himself. No delusions, no strange behaviors, no suspicions. Julia wondered how he managed to go in and out of it as easily as he did. Perhaps he felt safer in numbers like she did? He apologized to Julia for the men in black hurting her, said he'd warned her about them and their ways.

"Anything come of the plate number?" Chess asked.

"Well, that's interesting. My dad looked into this for me."

"Your dad."

"He works at the Blue line, that cop bar. The cop said the case is closed. Poof, gone, closed."

"Why?"

"They don't know."

"What's the plate number? I have a friend who can get information."

"I am not sure. I was out. The witness gave the cop the info."

"I have a copy of the police report." Ray announced. "It's at home."

"You got it?" Chess inquired over his hand. It appeared that he was also interested in caring for wifey. She had help and support surrounding her. She said she'd fix things and for all intents and purposes, it appeared that's what she was doing.

"Before they got rid of the case. I have it in a safe place." Ray sounded confident about that statement.

"Were you in the closet, Ray?" Julia asked him.

"Yes. And you people think I'm crazy. What I found in there..."

"You left it all there, right Ray?" Chess asked.

"I did." He nodded.

"What's in the closet?" Tav asked over his hand.

"A bag, a plan and instructions."

Tavin wasn't surprised. "The doomsday closet."

"Yes, that's a good name for it."

"What's in the bag?"

"Five hand guns and ammo. Jody's gun from Jersey and ammo."

"And ammo?" Julia smiled.

"It's been under development. We just started training with them. I also have a mold to make more bullets. So, whenever you're up to it we'll add to the plan."

"Thanks, sure.  I have some other things I am doing right now."

"We have time."

"August 15th, we have time." Julia replied. "Happy fucking birthday, right?"

"You sure about that?"

Julia nodded. "It starts gradually and then builds up into it. We'll be fine. We have time."

"We'll be fine?" Tavin asked nervously.

"That's what I said."

"I wanna talk with Mayers before I leave. There's a side plan I want to work on with him."

"You sure about this?"

"I have never been so sure about anything in my life."

"What do you need Jo for?"

"He has his reasons. Something to do with the princess. He has to settle some shit, but the kid never had contact with Kev, so I don't know just yet." Chess answered honestly. "I also think the kid sits around here doing absolutely nothing. I want him training those involved. I wrote it all down. When you're ready, Julia. If there's a reason you can't..." He looked at her belly. "Mayers can take over temporarily. I want that kid up to speed on all of this."

"What about Jay? Tavin?"

"They could use a refresher on handguns and shooting, maybe not Jay. He spent a year training with his psycho girlfriend. Has Alex ever fired a gun?"

"No."

"Well, it might not be such a bad idea either. What kind of shape are you gonna be in a year from now? Think about it."

"I can handle it."

"Jules, we're gonna have to detox you from the sound of it, so-" He looked to Tavin. "Prepare for that whole mess."

"I will be ready, Chess." She argued. "I will deal with it. I am not there yet. I haven't made the choices I made yet. I am not her."

"Yes. You. Are. This wouldn't be the first time you went and lost your damn mind. You had reasons then and I understand the reasons now. I will allow this as I don't see as how I have a choice."

"I have a choice." She said. "I can make the right choices."

"Since when? From what Jody said about this-"

"I can fix all this. I will do the right thing." She protested. She felt defensive. "I will. I will do right by her and I will do the right thing for me when it's over. Trust me."

"Ok." He didn't trust her. That was the problem between them all. The lack of trust.

"It starts now. I have been thinking about it and I think that if I take one day at a time and-"

"Under the emotional stress you're gonna have. You don't deal with traumatic shit like normal people."

"What has been normal about any of this? What is normal, Chess? What the hell do any of us know about normal?"

"Chess, chill out. We'll get through this." Tavin said, laying his cards on the table.

"We will?"

"Yes, Julia. We will. You're the one who says you're tired of doing it alone, so yes. We will get through this. We will help you get through this. We will set all our differences aside and we will take care of you. Won't we, Chess?"

"We will?"

"Yes. We will. All of us. Do you people wanna take care of each other or not? If you don't, then the doomsday closet and that plan is a waste of time and effort. If we aren't going to all work on cleaning the mess up, then why bother coming together to live through it next year?"

"That sounds nice on some level, but-"

"No buts. Did you listen to a single word she said in the lab? Cause I did. I took her seriously. And I don't wanna live through it hating you fucking people. Are we a family or not? What kind of group are we going to be if we hate each other? Fuck, we'll try to kill each other if that's the case."

"Clean the mess up."

"With everyone. We need to do that, all of us. I need to with Kelly. None of you speak to Jess anymore. How is she? Hayley? How is she?"

"How is she, Tavin?" Julia asked.

"She's so fine. God bless snap chat. You all heard of that?" He grinned. " Anyways, The side plan you got with Jody. Does that include Hayley? What are you gonna do with Hayley? She can't know about it. And Jayson? What about my brother? You two have fucked his head up. Granted, you both have your shit going on, but damn you hurt the kid."

"I will make this right with Jay. We gotta deal with Care first. Tavin-"

"You think about what this is gonna do to you, but what about him? And you're not helping the situation." He looked at Chess.

"Ok, I agree with you."

"He will help this situation." Julia argued. "He's gonna help us more than you know."

"Well, if Napoleon turns out to be our leader and God help us if that's true, then Napoleon needs to start acting like one."

"Know what Napoleon wants? He wants to grow weed and drink his way through the end of the fucking world. The plan gets us there, but what we create is all still yet to be written." Chess looked to Julia. "I don't care what she wrote. We haven't lived it and we can change it."

"Exactly the point I am trying to make, Chess."

"I just wanna grow weed in peace. I don't want to rule the world. I wanna get high and fuck my wife, whichever one. At this point I am not choosy. Is that too much to fucking ask? That simple."

"Well, we're getting somewhere." Tavin smiled. He got up from the table. "I want the same fucking thing." He added.  "Not your wives, though. I'd prefer my own."

"Dammit, Chess." Julia threw her cards on the table.

"That's the most real thing I have heard him say in months. You want your wife, give her a reason to want you."

"Tavin, take your own advice." Chess pointed at him.

"She's not here, Chess. I don't see her. I got yours as usual. It's back to just us getting through the shit alone together. Everyone else walks out."

"They're sick of you again. Eventually, they tire of your shit."

"Our shit, Chess." Julia pointed out. "Individually, they are sick of us. I get that."

"So we clean it up. How do we even begin to do that?" Chess asked, sweeping the cards into a pile. He watched Tavin pace. He watched Ray quietly listening.

"We need to deal with Caroline first. She comes first."

Jay returned the car the next day around lunch time. No one called him, so he figured that no one needed it. He found Julia cleaning up the downstairs when he went inside, carrying the Caroline notebook. Julia observed him set it on the counter. He looked drawn and sad. He'd been crying. At first he didn't say anything. He started helping her clean up, took the trash out, wiped down the table and swept the floor for her.

He had no words. He finally went to the counter and he held it up. "What the fuck?"

Julia went to him and she took hold of his arm. She led him outside to the patio and they stood in front of the grill. She added some charcoal and she lit a decent little fire. "Burn it."

Jay held the book above the fire and let it catch. As the pages charred and turned to black ash, he set it in the grill. "You know she ain't going out like that. I'll die first."

"Me, too, mama." He put an arm around her and they watched the future go up in flames. "What are you thinking?"

"Jayson, I got a plan." She assured him. "I want your help. We are never going to that fucking lab again."

"How we doing this?"

"You trust me, Jayson?"

"Yes." He answered. "On this, absolutely."

"Well, I'll-uh-get Chess over here and I will explain how this is gonna go down."

"What's Chess-"

"He's back up. If we can't take care of her the way she deserves to be taken care of." He was at a loss for words. "Think about it, Jayson. Think." She saw this hurt him. "He will."