CHAPTER FOUR-CAROLINE AUGUST KELLER

Julia stood in the dark in the grass on the front lawn. She felt strange standing in the one place she missed so much. She flicked on her flash light and she shined it on the farm house. She let the light guide her to the steps, her feet falling on the ground leading to the wrap around front porch. She shined it in the window and peeked inside. Dusty. Dark. She walked to her left and she shined the light through the next window. She felt the heaviness of the darkness around her on the outside of the house. She switched the flashlight from her right hand to her left and she placed her hand on the knife she had on her hip. She shined the beam of light around her on the outside. She heard the moans and the snarling near her, but she felt sure they were on the fence and not anywhere near her personal space. She breathed a sigh of relief as the flashlight shined back through the window and brightened over the table. She scanned the darkness, the chairs and tables untouched. The kitchen to the rear of the table and she saw that their belongings were still in place. No one alive or dead in the first floor of their dwelling. Julia continued on down the steps off the porch and she head to the back door. She shined the light over a chicken coop alive with chickens, a good sign. She heard the animals in the barn. Another positive sign. If shit went bad, they'd be alright. If something happened to her, they'd survive. They could start over. The addition stood completely intact and the windows were closed over their rooms. Julia turned the knob and she entered the house for the first time since they'd all left there a couple years ago. It hung there in time waiting for its people to return home.  She crossed the kitchen and she opened the pantry door. Shelves lined and organized. She pulled the binder from the shelf and removed a couple pages, which she folded and tucked in her pocket.

I could live here alone, that's for sure. Julia head into the addition and she went in the room that she and Chess had shared. She shined the flashlight around its walls and the bed sat unmade. She sat down a moment. She felt her roots, her energy. She swiped her hand over the worn hoodie, Chess's energy. She felt comfortable and she felt at ease. This was home. All her previous and her future dwellings never comforted her like this place.

She opened the top drawer of their dresser and she saw Tavin's cell phone. She tucked it in her pocket. A small bottle of vodka. Condoms. Papers describing the calendar. On top of this dresser sat her notebooks...the original plan.

Julia took her time, turning on a lamp and turning off her flashlight. A lot more light flooded the room. We built this...She held the lamp in her hand and she roamed the rest of the house, poking her head in and out of rooms like she expected them all to be there.

Tavin and Kelly's room still held sketch books and personal stuff. A small bottle of black ink sat on top of their dresser. She tucked it in her pocket with the papers. She flipped through Kelly's sketch book. Art therapy...Julia mused. Above their bed a picture hung, heart and inside were their names-Tavin and Kelly. She pulled it off the wall, then pushed the tack back in the wood. She folded it and she placed it in her pocket as well. Julia climbed the wide staircase to the second level of the house, thinking that every room held so much meaning. Every room held memories for all of them.

As she opened the bedroom door that Jess shared with the babies and occasionally Jayson, she shined the light over emptiness. She backed across the hall and she opened the door to the master bedroom with the fireplace inside it. Exactly as they left it. Untouched.

Well, this is it...Julia sighed, leaning against the door jam. Being inside that house void of life was rattling her brain. It only felt empty, but a calm and anticipating empty. How lonely it would be here by myself...but I would be ok. She smiled as she walked her home. The first she could say she owned in part and built from the ground up. As she left the master bedroom with her lamp, she descended to the first floor then left via the addition door. She walked the grounds at night, staying close at first to the house. She had reservations of venturing out too far. She couldn't see the fence clearly for all the corn, or the spikes where they impaled themselves. It took all she had to restrain herself from clearing that fence. As she stood by the still, over looking the open field that they'd cleared where Jay let the horses run, she squinted her eyes in the bright moonlight to see the shadowy outline of the willow tree. She could not see the graves, marked by crosses beneath it. They hadn't yet fortified this fence with spikes all the way around, so she knew she wouldn't be crossing the pasture that night. But soon she would.

She walked the perimeter, not the entire fence, but a short distance. Her lamp lighting the way. She knew this ground, this worn path well. She'd created that too. Many footsteps had walked before hers that night. She became emotional and as she neared the middle of the corn field, she opted to stop and turn and back. She only had a knife. She hadn't brought the spear. She had no protection, if she came across a breech. She needed to see this during the day. When she returned, she wanted to see it in the daylight and appreciate the hard work, the beauty of it all. She missed her home.

Julia sailed a wave of energy and went home, tabling her thoughts, sitting in the semi-darkness with her lamp she carried home. She'd forgotten her flashlight. She set the paper, the bottle of ink down beside the list of first aid supplies from her binder. She looked it over and she highlighted several items and jotted down a few notes in the margin. If necessary she could reorganize all this on the flipside, but for now that list of their medical needs would sit on the kitchen table and wait for her medical supplier. While she read and worked, she waited for the cell to charge.

This old cell had long not had any service and getting the charge to take was tricky as someone had messed with the port that held the charger. She attached the phone to her laptop and she synced all the pictures from it into a file. She opened the photo album she created and she saw pictures she hadn't seen in ages. A past that never happened. A history they'd rewritten together, herself and Tavin. Graves and vigils and faces from the past that made sense but didn't make any real sense any longer. They'd healed that wound. They righted that wrong. Despite that fact, she sat emotional as the tears poured out of her. She glanced at the pages she had removed from the binder. Across the top, she'd written in red-MORPHINE. Where on earth would they find morphine enough to sedate a human heart, cease the lungs from breathing?

Tavin looked over the items on the table when he came downstairs for work in the morning. "Julia, did you go home?" He asked, calling to her from the laundry room.

"I did."

"You know I do not agree with this."

"I know."

"Have you considered that morphine isn't the only drug that will kill you?"  He asked, a look of sadness on his face. He held up her kit.

"Insulin, Tavin?"

"Same effect. You'll pass out and you won't even see it coming. Cause that's what you want, right?"

"That's the desired effect." She replied. "Hey, I have a book in my closet on the top shelf. It's for Alex. I hope he'll be able to bring them home, if..." She said, her voice distant. "His energy is there."

"Maybe he should go with-"

"Absolutely not. I want him here. Mayers is brought up to speed and he'll be able to follow through on everything we have planned for next year."

"Julia, it's not safe. Doctor or no doctor, I do not like this."

"If I wanted your input I would have asked."

"I can go-"

"It's not a vacation, Tavin. I chose the people. You are not one of them." She ended the conversation on that note.

He had already said his peace and she explained herself very clearly to him. She felt she owed him that much. If this didn't go as planned, then they'd be screwed. If that notebook titled Caroline was inaccurate in recollection, then she would be screwed. Julia decided to do the one thing that she always had done, she trusted herself. She trusted that Julia, herself would not lie. The only person she'd ever been truly honest with had been herself as painful as that was at times. She'd hurt herself and she'd drugged herself to avoid the truth in the past, but the truth was always there with her, haunting her.

Tavin remarked about the items she brought back with her. Trinkets of a past with Kelly that may or may not have been important to them. The ink alone was significant. It was, after all, his wedding ring.

After telling Jayson and Chess her plan for Caroline, they were both emotional and withdrawn. This plan had been hatched to give peace to Caroline. She and Jay had shared that book alone. Anything the rest of them knew for sure was information the two chose to share. Their eyes only had read that story. Neither argued with the plan and both agreed that they would go along with her without hesitation. Julia's alternative had been going alone. Their unanimous agreement saved her from threatening the alternative.

Tavin returned from work and she had a back pack ready. He gave her the supplies she needed and she painstakingly packed her bag. When she had everything organized, she took a few things from her room that she wanted and added that into the front pocket on her pack. She took a full bottle of insulin from the fridge and she tucked that inside as well. She tried lifting the bag. It's weight was uncomfortable doing so. Her body was tired and she felt heavy and drained.  

She glanced at Jody and Tia on the sofa, Alex as he did homework and played on the iPad. Tarin slept in his swing. "Hey, put this on." She told him as she deemed the coast temporarily clear.

"Why?"

"I wanna give you what you want."

He smiled, pulling on the back pack. "What's that?"

She took his hand. "Hey, watch the baby, Alex. We're going for a walk."

"K, Julia." He answered.

Their walk took them home again. Jumping drained her energy, but she did have things to do. Normal people readied and decorated a color themed room. Normal people bought diapers and clothes and furniture. Julia was not normal people. She led him the same direction she had walked the night before. Around the house and to the back door. They rarely, if ever, had used the front door to enter their house. Perhaps, Julia thought, this is why Chess never used the front door at home. Habits die hard. 

She left them inside and he looked around. Julia hadn't lied about the house being in the same condition in which they left it. She took him to the pantry and held the door open. He set the bag inside and she pushed the door shut.

"Julia, everything is still here." He called as he walked around, exploring the house he'd spent so much time inside. He felt similar to her. It had grown to become home for him too for a short while.

"I told you."

"So what do you wanna give me?"

"Peace of mind maybe?" Julia answered, pulling a dusty chair from the table. She took a seat. She looked down at the table. "I'm sorry, Tavin. I been so miserable and emotional and all I have done is cry and whine."

"Is this what you want?"

"No, but the alternative...I would die first. I will not allow them to take my daughter. I won't spend three more weeks in a lab, wondering what they're doing to her, wondering where they took her and what..."

"Julia, calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down." She said calmly. "I volunteer to be infected again, just like Jay did. I find out what happens to her while I am in that lab. I don't go to another zombie world. Whatever they gave me, I never got sick from it. I listened for a week as I laid there. I listened as they discussed my case and Jay's case over top of me. They do inhumane things to her for the short time she is alive and when she is dead. I won't allow it. Neither will Jayson."

"You know when?"

"I do. It was written." She nodded. "The bag, planning to end my life, Tavin, that's in case it doesn't go as planned. Things go wrong. This isn't a hospital."

"Chess though. This is all you and Jayson. What's Chess got to do with this?"

"I don't think Jayson would kill us."

Tavin thought about that. He didn't believe that either. "Julia, I don't think you put much faith in my brother."

"Tavin, he won't be able to-"

"He killed himself, Julia. Whether you wanna think about it anymore or not, the kid killed himself to be with you. You don't think he'd do it again? Have you even asked Jayson what he wants?"

"Could you put down Tarin?" She asked. "With your own hands, after he turned into a monster? Could you do it?"

"I hope I never have to find out, Julia." Tavin replied.

"I lifted the responsibility off him."

"I know one thing, if I know anything, I wouldn't want you taking the responsibility from me." Tavin argued.

"I'll talk to him, Tavin."

"No, you'll let him do it. Julia, it's why he went to the lab in the first place."

"So I wouldn't be alone-"

"So you wouldn't have to make the choice and do that yourself. What you're doing for him, he wants to do for you. Or shit, do it together. I don't know, but I am telling you, having someone else do this, Chess do this, it's going to drive a wedge between you that you won't be able to come back from. He will do anything for you."

"Fine, Tavin."

"Anything. He'll kill for you. He's proved that. This is not Chess's responsibility."

"Ok. God, I understand."

"I understand being pulled between two people, Julia, but this is not about that."

"You're right."

"This choice between the two people right here and now is an easy one to make."

"You're right."

"Chess will get his turn to take that responsibility. Not this time. Not while Jay's alive and capable."

"Tav, what are you talking about?"

"You haven't read about Sam."

"No. I haven't got that far. I have other things and that's a long way off."

"Well, I will give you a hint. If you had a girl, instead of a boy, her name woulda been Virginia."

"He died in Virginia."

"Yep." Tavin nodded. "Died doing what, Mrs. Morgan?"

"Oh, my God, Tavin."

"Why didn't you kill yourself in Virginia, Mrs. Morgan? Cause you wanted to. Your knife. You only took one human life with your knife and the other you almost took, but you didn't have the balls, because-"

"I was pregnant. Sam is Jay's."

"Why'd she give you Sam's book now? There's a reason. Could be a couple reasons. But it's clear to me, Red."

"I haven't read it."

"It might be helpful, clear up those gaps in your future memory."

"Yeah, sure, Tav. I'll do that."

"Yeah, good. I already put it in your bag. When you were upstairs, getting your things."

"Thanks, Tavin." She smiled. "Uh, wanna go on that walk now?"

"I do." He said, rising from the chair beside her. He helped her up and they took a walk outside. Julia reminisced while Tavin listened. She gave him the guided tour, explaining the mess Tom had found for them and the vision he had. He'd heard this story before, but he liked listening to her as she told it. She was proud of it. She was excited to talk about it. The last stop on the tour was the still. She pulled a bottle off the wall and she opened it. She tasted it, only a sip. She handed it to Tavin and he boldly took a swallow.

"You drank this on the regular?"

"Yep," She laughed. "Tastes like a dream."

"Tastes like shit."

"That's good compared to what Chess made the first time around."

Julia removed her ring and she dropped it inside the bottle. It sunk to the bottom, the liquid drowning it, then she set it back on the shelf for safe keeping.

Tavin leaned and kissed her forehead, "Thank you." And Julia whisked them back home, sapping more energy that she'd gained connecting to her husband a couple days before.

It hadn't been much as she had blocked his energy from coming back onto her. She'd jumped a couple times with Tavin's energy. First, into Philadelphia with Jody, then second to the farmhouse to make sure that it was still intact. Until she jumped there, she hadn't known she could and wasn't sure what she would find. As Tavin's energy drained, she had enough energy left to get them to and from the farmhouse with the bag. She was running on empty, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Traveling the universe of time on no energy would serve no purpose. Hence, she'd wind up like she did with Jody all those times, arriving no where and having nothing to show for it. As she used the energy, the connection to Tavin that had been so intoxicating began to fade, leaving her drained literally and figuratively.

Julia glanced at the clock, 610pm. She was cleaning up from dinner when she felt the first uncomfortable twinge in her side. Julia, herself had been dead on with the time. As the journal had said, she would dismiss it and move on with her night, which is exactly what Julia would do. Before Jody head out for the pizza shop, she used his phone and texted Jay, "whenever", before continuing her normal routine. As a couple hours passed she sat at the counter and she started writing. She gradually started to feel more discomfort. It built up from generally uncomfortable to annoying. She popped a couple Tylenol and she continued writing. 830pm, Julia glanced at the clock again and she wondered what Jayson thought 'whenever' meant. Tavin was clueless as were the rest of them about her internal pain. "Fuck," she groaned, feeling the first of what would be unspeakable discomfort. She put the pen down with the end of her last letter and she started walking the floor, back and forth between the kitchen and the living room, watching Tavin with Tarin as he watched TV. "Go upstairs." She said, sounding rather snippy toward him. She gathered up her notes from the counter and she held them up one at a time for him as he rose with the baby to head upstairs. "One for Alex, Tatia, Jody." She set them in his hand. "This one is for Chess. You may not read this one."

"What is this, Julia?"

"Suicide notes."

"You alright, Red?" He asked, setting Tarin down.

She wondered which part of 'go upstairs' he didn't understand. "No."

"Where's it hurt?" He asked, coming toward her.

"Everywhere." She replied, breathing heavy, drawing air in and then slowly letting it out. She'd worked on this with Kelly while she had waited to leave for the hospital. "This may hurt more than I suspected." She laughed nervously, starting to pace again. Walking felt better. Moving felt better. Between her nerves and her transient discomfort, she couldn't just sit still. The discomfort came in waves, then would slow and pull back, then kick in again and then pull back. Tavin walked with her, rubbing her back as if that even made a difference, but it made a difference for him.

"You call Jay?"

"I texted him. Told him whenever."

"When?"

"Like two hours ago. Where is that kid?"

Tavin called him and he said he was on the bus. He was on his way. He sounded as nervous as Julia sounded. "What time?" He asked, still at her side, still pacing with her.

Julia glanced at the clock again. "We got time." She held onto his arm and he felt the tickle as she numbed his nerves to his brain.

"What are you looking for in that bedroom, Julia?" He asked, looking at her strangely, wondering why she was watching their weekend together.

"I want something. So hang on."  She grimaced as she felt her abdomen seize. "Almost there, Tav."  She zipped through his brain to the very point in time over the weekend more than a year ago. He watched as he tied her arm off and he injected her with morphine. "Feel that?" She asked as she calmed a bit.

"Morphine." He nodded, relaxing right along with her.

"Morphine." She answered him as she scooted her bottom onto the barstool at the counter. "We're staying right there a few minutes. Cause this...this is ridiculous."

Tavin let her hold onto him, knowing as soon as they separated, the morphine was gone. She held their memory still, and as she needed it, she let him inject again.

"Yeah, well I feel it too." He told her.

"I doubt you're suffering at this point in time, Tavin." She rubbed her abdomen as she sat, which didn't help at all, but she still heard Caroline. "It's my body, not the baby." She remarked, unsure whether she'd said it aloud or in her head. Either way, Tavin heard her loud and clear. When connected it didn't matter because speaking aloud and thoughts were the same volume. 

"I hear that." He said, placing his free hand over her abdomen. "That is so cool." He smiled as he listened to the girl sing and hum.

"How are you hearing that?" She asked as he stood fascinated by the melody from her abdomen. Julia disconnected from him, leaving his arm go. "You still hear it?" She asked warily.

"No. It stopped. Was that her?"

Julia nodded her answer. "Go up, Tav. Go to bed." She smiled.

He initially began to argue, but she insisted. There was nothing he could do. There was nothing any of them could do at that point other than wait.

"I did leave, Jules. The bus broke down and we had to wait for the next one at the bus station. It takes two busses to get home." He explained. Julia was angry. "I'm sorry the bus broke down, Julia." Why do I have to apologize for everything? He wondered.

"It's ok. I'm...it hurts, Jayson."

He watched as she paced the floor, back and forth and back and forth, holding her back, inhaling deep and then exhaling slowly. "You said we have time and we do have time." He told her as he set his bag on the table. "What do you want me to do?"

He slid onto the table and sat comfortably while she paced and he waited for her cue. She had already chosen to exclude two people from their trip, which was fine with him. He was actually relieved not to have his cousin present. Anytime he had tried to talk with her she shut him down, but he had spoken to Tavin. He didn't like having to go through his brother to get through to her, but Tav had clearly conveyed his thoughts and opinions to her. As they were alone, that was obvious. "You coulda brought the doc in on this." He said.

"For?" She asked as she stood at the end of the sofa in the living room. She gripped the back of it and held on.

"I am not a doctor, maybe that's why."

"We can do this." She said confidently. She glanced around the living room. No clock at the farm house. "Time. What time is it?" She whimpered.

"1030." He answered as she let go of the sofa and crossed the wooden floor, passed the table and she fetched herself a water bottle. She sipped from it. "What can I do?" His voice changed, sounded less harsh to her. He saw she was in some sort of agony. She masked it well. He'd heard two births in this house and they were most unpleasant.

"I-uh-it hurts, Jayson." Julia answered. "I can't do this." She answered.

"You got no choice."

"I mean this. I can't think." She tried to explain. He should understand her. Why didn't he understand her? "You do the thinking." She left it on him.

"Ok." He agreed. "Are we having her here in the kitchen?"

"No." She pointed to the ceiling.

He took her lamp and then took her and guided her up the staircase into the bedroom. This is the room Kelly had Tarin. He felt sure that was where she would want this to happen. It was her favorite room of the house. Jay settled her onto the edge of the bed and he took to getting their stuff, setting it up. He brought that heavy pack from the pantry.

"How long you plan on staying? Geeze." He complained as he set the bag on the braided circular rug next to the bed. He pulled things out and she pointed where she wanted her stuff. For a bit, Jay worked and she sat in pain. Julia felt like she was in some sort of a trance. She heard him and she answered him and she directed him, but she labored in a pain zone and that pain was all she could focus on. She moved within that zone, coping with the pain. She wasn't much help to him, but she felt sure he could take care of her as it wasn't his first time. He had years of experience in that department. When Jay had finished, she realized she may have over packed a little.

"A little?" He smiled at her. "You packed the house in that bag, Jules."

She sat with her legs spread a bit, her hands on her knees, her head hanging as she closed her eyes and breathed. A lot of nonsense breathing that did not ease her anxieties or her pain. She couldn't move by this point. She wanted to though. 

He crouched in front of her. "I know it hurts, babe."

"You think you know. But you don't." She replied, trying to kick her shoes off. He stopped her, untying and then removing each one.

"Can you stand?" He asked, placing his hands over hers as she gripped her knees tight.

"Mmm-hmm." She found it difficult to respond. "I need help, Jayson."

"Yeah, I'm here."

"No, I can't do this. It hurts, Jay." She moaned.

"Stand up."

"Nnnooooo." She answered him. She balled her fists up beneath his hands. She started crying at that point, streaking tears down her face. "You did this to me."

"I did, Julia." He agreed with her and told her what she wanted to hear.

He'd finally had enough of her and he made her stand up, because he wanted her to lay down. He had her hold onto the bed frame while he readied the bed for her. "This can't get much worse, right?" She asked as she watched him fold down the blankets. He readied the mattress, then reapplied the sheet and then padded up the bed well. He had a certain way he liked to do things, a system that had derived from her first infection, her first coma, her first sickness.

"You scared, Jay?"

"Nope." He answered as he approached her. He started taking her clothes off. "My brother explained how this should happen. It was in the book anyway, so..." As he fetched her pajama shirt from the bed across the room where he had placed her clothes from the bag, he heard the splash as it hit the hardwood floor. "Well, here we go." He said as he pulled her shirt over her head. His hands held her waist and he laid her down on the well padded bed. He then started cleaning up the fluid that had gushed from her. "It's like a lime green, Jules."

"It's ok." She said. "Blood?" She asked.

"No."

"Then we're fine. Blood, we jump back. Clear, we stay."

"Yeah, we're good, babe." He said from the floor at the foot end of the bed. He lifted his head and he looked up at her. "We're ok. You're doing fine."

"So are you." She said, banging her fists on the mattress. "Fuck, this hurts." She complained. "I need some drugs."

"Got a field of weed." He laughed.

"Later." She told him seriously. "I will smoke that entire field."

"I brought some."

"Thanks. But that weed, Jay." She pointed toward the window. "He grows great weed."

"He does." Jay could not discredit that skill his cousin had. "Where is he anyway?"

"Where he belongs." She replied, scooting down on the bed. She held her breath and when the next bout of pain hit her, she clenched all the muscles in her lower body and she pushed. She screamed through it and then the pain subsided a little.

"You pushin', mommy?" He asked surprised.

"Feels like I should." She said as the pain built up. She held her breath and she pushed with all her might. The pain was horrendous. As she pushed, she screamed again. She watched the faces Jay made while she lay spread open in front of him. "What do you see, Jay?"

"Oh, my God. A big hole." He winced. He held his hands up and mimicked the size of the dilation, forming a circle.

"That's good." She said, breathing heavy, relaxing a moment and waiting for the next shock to flow through her. "Jay, do you have to do that?" She winced as she started pushing again.

"I'm watching. What else you want me to do? This is awesome, really." He sounded excited.

"You see anything?"

"A big hole."

"Fuck." She pushed again. "Time? What time is it?"

"Like midnight, babe." Jay took the chair from the window and he placed it next to the bed. He went back to open the window.

"No. The noise." She muttered as she saw him open it.

"You think we're in danger here?" He asked, taking a seat in the chair. "We never had a zom break through, so why would we now?" He peeked around her leg and looked between her legs. He scooted the chair toward her a little more and he took hold of her hand.

"But I didn't do a check, Jay. I couldn't."

"I ain't about to start now." He protested. "First thing in the morning." He offered that much to her. "Promise."

"The guns are still in the same place. If-"

"I got this. Trust me."

"I won't be able to help if-"

"I don't need your help." He replied, cutting her off. "I never did need your help here."

She gave him a look. If looks could kill..."I didn't mean it the way it sounded, babe. I meant with checks and stuff. You never helped me work."

"Did you ever need help though? You never asked."

"You volunteered for everyone else. I worked alone." He shrugged. "You want me to check? I'll go check."

"No. Don't leave me." She said quickly. "Jay, you're right. In the morning." She started getting scared. "No. What if something happens? Don't leave me alone." She didn't need panic on top of the mounting fear and the pain her body inflicted on her. "Please, don't leave me alone, Jayson." While Julia labored, their conversation was tense at times. Why they couldn't sit together without one of them picking a fight or starting an argument was a mystery to him.

"If I thought for a second we weren't safe-think I am not paying attention? Here, we always have to pay attention."

"I'm sorry, Jay. I'm just scared is all."

"You worry about this and I will worry about everything else." He sounded like he was scolding her. He ended the drama before it really started. Not the time or the place for anything other than Caroline. "Did you bring us any snacks? I thought I saw some fish." He rummaged through the bottom of the pack. He returned to the seat and handed her the water bottle while he snacked on her Swedish fish.

"Don't eat them all." She said, watching him enjoy her fish.

"I won't. I'll save you some."

"I didn't plan on eating the fuckin' fish."

"What else would you fuckin' do with them?" He laughed.

"There's a list. In the book." She said, pointing across the room.

"I saw the books." He got up again and he opened the book she was talking about, setting aside the book of Sam. A list on the first page, then the rest of the book was blank pages. The list was for some of the contents of the bag, including the fish. She had specific things she wanted buried with her if she should die. "If you die, how am I going home?" He asked. "I'd be stuck here, Julia?"

"Not quite. I planned for that. I left instructions for Alex. Eventually he'd figure it out. There's things I know how to do. That shit...you should trust."

Julia decided it would be best if they didn't have any more conversation outside the realm of Caroline.

He observed as she agonized. He watched as she pushed, he encouraged her as they approached the specific time that Julia, herself had written. The closer they approached to 335am, Jay sounded encouraging. "Wow." He said, amazed as he peered between her legs. "I see her."

By this point all Julia was doing was screaming and pushing. She felt sure that this was the worst pain she had ever felt in her entire life. She truly learned the meaning of gut wrenching. She lived it.

"Push harder." Jay urged, but she was starting to tire. She'd been up since 5am. She'd toiled at home all day. She traveled to and from the farmhouse with Tavin. She labored for the last 8 plus hours and she was exhausted. She had never had that much physical activity. She swore it was the heaviest work out she'd ever embarked upon and she had been so clueless as to how much effort she had to put in to squeeze a head through her vagina. On a positive note, she thought, this labor could have dragged on like Kelly's for two days. He leaned over her holding her knees and keeping her focused. She was starting to give up. "Does it hurt?"

"Fuck you." She cried as she struggled with her body to push that small head into the world. "You did this to me." She squealed and pushed and then like it was no struggle at all Caroline's popped into the room with them. Jay left her go and held her head as Julia pushed again. He guided her small body the rest of the way through and Julia collapsed back on the bed. She was sweating and red and crying and utterly exhausted.

Jay had the supplies ready since Caroline's scalp was visible to the naked eye. He took care of her, cleaning her off and suctioning her mouth and nose. She was so tiny. She looked so fragile and frail. Her brown hair was wet and shaggy over her head. Her big brown eyes were open and she appeared as if she was looking right at him. "Hey, baby girl." He cooed, his voice soothing as he swaddled her. "Oh, my God, Julia." He said, his eyes full of tears and he took the baby to her.

"Is she alive?" Julia asked, getting herself up to her elbows to look.

"I-uh-yes, she is." He sat beside her and showed her.

"She's smaller than I thought she would be. She felt a lot bigger than this." She got herself up enough for Jay to place pillows under her and he handed Care off to her mother.

"She's tiny." He smiled, sitting alongside her.

"Hey, Care." Julia cried, looking over the tiny face that lay against her chest. "Look at all that brown hair, Jay. And these eyes." Julia touched her skin, soft and thin skin. He put an arm around her and held her as she held their daughter. They watched her open her mouth, unable to breathe. 

"There's nothing we can do?" He asked, tightening his arm around her shoulders.

"No, Jayson. Not a single thing."

The journal penned by Julia, herself described a different story. They never shared this with Caroline. They never held her against their chests and bonded with their daughter. Julia birthed her with plenty of drugs in her system. She was born and she struggled with medical staff and her life ended without Julia or Jayson ever having held her. Jayson had only caught a glimpse of her as she was born and then through glass as she was tended to by the medical staff at the lab. There were so many people surrounding her at the time, her parents were an after thought. As they struggled to save her life, they were inspecting, taking pictures. They'd taken time to intubate her and give her medications to assist with breathing, but they were ineffective. She was born too soon, too compromised. Julia and Jay were helpless. They had no say once they were separated. They never saw her again.

As physicians their goal was always to heal the body. In the lab that early morning, they had tried to keep Caroline Keller alive. When their efforts were unsuccessful, Dr McGill had explained that even if they were in the finest hospital with the best physicians in the country, their daughter would not have survived. It was the truth. Julia, herself accepted that years later as she wrote in her journal. Looking back more than 15 years, she accepted it, understood it. Jayson had as well before he died. There was nothing that any living person could have done to keep Caroline alive.

A couple years later, when she was approached by McGill himself, she volunteered to be infected again. They were close to a vaccine. McGill was sure of it. He had everything he needed, except a volunteer. Times had changed, volunteers weren't necessary anymore. But McGill asked her anyway. He preferred to have a willing subject who would cooperate as opposed to a victim who would not. When infected by McGill in a makeshift lab in Virginia, she never truly was sick. She fell into the coma aspect of it and she waited to find herself awake and living in another zombie world, some alternate universe similar yet different from her very own. That never happened. She lay in the bed and she suffered along and she overheard them discussing particular details of her own medical history as well as Jayson's as well as the details of what occurred post mortem to Caroline. Having learned this devastated her, but she was not surprised. They'd been swindled into allowing them to care for her and her family. On the surface they all wanted the same thing, prevention and vaccination, but the ways they went about searching and researching for that vaccination were crimes against humanity. Mutilation of those who had died in their efforts. Julia was horrified. And she could do nothing about it. It was already over and done with.  

What had been done to Caroline post mortem was disturbing and haunted Julia, herself. She would never accept that. That was their whole reason for returning home and having her there, in order to bury her and leave her rest in peace where no one could find her body. Originally Jayson never knew what had been done to their daughter and Julia had kept this information between herself and Chess when she found out. She couldn't change the past and Jayson didn't need that information weighing on him like it weighed on her. Whenever Julia and Jayson inquired what had happened with Caroline, they were told it was classified. The same rules did not apply to them or their case as it would with normal births. The ashes they'd received weeks later from Dr McGill were not that of Caroline at all. Jayson had kept them and found comfort having them. Once Jay had died, Julia got rid of them. Caroline had died in the initial collapse of society in a lab that self incinerated. She burned a year after her death, alone and helpless, having had a miserable and painful existence, without anyone to care for her or fight for her or speak for her.

"Let me have her, Julia." Jay said softly, lifting the baby from her chest. He laid her down on the bed across from them.

"But, Jay-" She cried.

"Let's take care of you now." He said, touching her face. "We have time."

"I can-" She moved to get up.

"No. Stop, babe. Just relax." He said, pushing her shoulder to let her lay back against the pillows. "Please, Julia." He sighed. "One thing at a time." He said to her.

"Ok, you're right." She rested back against the pillows and she let him take care of her, clean up the mess from the birth, clean her, make the bed around her comfortable. He changed her clothes. "You in pain?" He asked, lifting Caroline from the opposite bed. He handed her back to Julia before he disappeared downstairs with the trash and the soiled linens.

"Nothing I can't handle." She answered, getting comfortable with Caroline in her arms again. "Can I have more water?"

"Sure, Julia. I'll be right back."

Jay returned with more water as she requested. He held out his hand with two pills in his palm. She took them and washed them down with water. "Tylenol." He told her as he went to the bed for the rest of her fish. "You wanted to be buried with fish, Jules?"

"Sure, they're my favorite." She laughed.

He placed one in her mouth, "I think you're safe, babe." He told her, watching her chew. He gave her another. "I'll make us something to eat in the morning."

"Thanks, Jay."

"Probably a bunch of eggs out there."

"I bet." Julia replied.

"How are they still there?"

"I don't know, Jayson." She answered. "How are we still here? How are any of us still here?"

"You're tired. Go to sleep." He said, propping his feet on the bed. He looked as tired as she did.

"I wanna see this through." She yawned, repositioning herself on the mattress. She laid on her side and placed Care in front of her.

"How long you been up?" He asked her, taking Care from her. His turn, he wanted to hold her too.

"Uh, around 5 maybe." She answered, closing her eyes. "5 am."

"Sleep, babe. It's a hike out there to the willow." He looked down at Julia, but he doubted she heard him. She was asleep. Jay wasn't far behind her, closing his eyes, he nodded off a moment but awoke when he heard her gurgling, tiny arms and legs squirming. She had no motor skills yet and bound she was, she lay swaddled tight in her blanket. Both harmless and defenseless to the world around her. Her brown eyes were no longer that deep brown, but a milky white film had grown over them. He looked at Julia and he opted not to wake her yet. He touched Caroline's face, her skin was room temperature to touch. Neither hot nor cold. As he touched her, her small mouth opened wide as if instinctually and she turned slightly toward his hand as a live baby would turn toward a nipple.

"Whoa, Care. No, no." He whispered. He reached in his pocket and he pulled the pocket knife. A small blade, not one of those large knives they carried around on their waists. "How are we doing this, Care?" He asked, avoiding the thought of mutilating this child's face. This was a task that he'd chosen to do himself. He wanted to give her mercy, but when the time actually came, he realized he hadn't thought about how to do it. He opened the blade from the casing and he placed it at the base of Care's skull. He pushed up and in at an angle. The flesh and the bone were soft, pliable. The skull was not thick and he had to apply no force at all. He didn't wish for a violent death and he hadn't given her one. "That's the best way, Caroline." He whispered as she ceased moving. The squirming ended, her gurgling stopped and she lay lifeless in his arms once again. He withdrew the blade and folded it back into the case, then he sat holding onto her till he thought of how to wake her mother, what to say to her.

As the day dawned, cloudy and overcast and as the rain fell, he listened as it hit the roof and tapped the window and the sill behind him. He stood with the baby and he looked out the window. His eyes scanned the fence. "Fuck." He whispered, looking at the morning he would have. As tired as he felt, he dreaded that fence and the work he had to do. The rain let up a little and he woke Julia.

"Hey, Julia." He called. "Julia." He repeated.

She woke, opening her eyes and settled on him by the window. "She back?" She asked, tearing up.

"Been and gone, Julia." He answered, his voice heavy and he sounded so withdrawn. "Can you make it out there, babe?" He asked as he looked to the pasture, the willow as it towered over the other trees.

"I will." She replied.

"I can do this, leave her out there and come back for you."

"I said I will."

She dragged herself to the edge of the bed. She felt every muscle and she felt so sore. Jay handed her a pair of pants and then he handed the baby to her as he helped her with her shoes. Her eyes were closed. She lay lifeless.

"You alright?" He asked as she stood up.

"Yeah, sore is all." She answered. She took the water bottle and drank the rest of the water before she head out at Jay's side. "Carry her." She said, holding on to his arm. She held onto the railing and had on arm around Jay as they went down the steps. It took a while. One step at a time, but she made it.

"Julia." Jay said, setting her down on the sofa. He handed her the baby and he said to wait there. He went outside and a few minutes later he came back to her and Caroline through the front door. "Out here." He said, helping her up. "Jules, you ain't making it to the willow. But," He helped her out the front door. "You can make it out here. There's a tree right here." He pointed at the apple tree that stood in the front yard by the porch.

"Oh, this is fine, Jay. I like this too."

"Then why go all the way out to the willow?"

"Cause that's where we bury our dead, Jay."

"Not today."

Julia sat on the step and she watched him dig a grave. She cried the entire time. She felt her heart as it ripped apart inside her. She felt the sadness and the loss and she had no sense that this resolved anything for them. Seeing this through to the end, though, she laid her daughter in her grave and she watched Jayson cover her with dirt. She knelt beside the hole in the ground and at Jayson's feet as the earth covered Caroline. Julia pulled across the dirt and covered her as well while jay scooped it in with a shovel. He said nothing, letting her help this move along so they could move along with their day. But Julia hung on as the dirt was packed over her, staying at the grave and she stared at the ground. Jay got down beside her and held her hand.

"We don't pray, Julia."

"I'm not." She said. "I'm saying good-bye."

"Come on. It's starting to rain again." He said, standing up. "Come. Jules, I wanna go do checks and-"

"Well, go. I'm ok here. Leave me." She held her hand out. "Gun." She said calmly.

"I will not put a gun in your hands. Not right now."

"It's for them not me." She pointed to the road. "I ain't trying to die out here."  She held her hand out. Jay reluctantly pulled the 9mm from his waist and handed it over. "Please,  don't do anything stupid."

"Please, don't think I haven't thought about it."

Julia set the gun down and sat in the August rain under an apple tree.

"We could go home, Julia."

"I don't have the energy, Jayson."

Weak and drained and in pain, she had never been more honest with him as she was at that moment. She didn't know if she had any energy left to take them home at all let alone that morning. She felt completely and utterly drained. She had barely made it to the front porch and he wanted her to take them home. She didn't have the energy to even get angry, which is what she wanted to do. She wanted to scream and yell, but all she could muster within herself was sadness and tears.

He returned two hours later for her. She still sat in the same spot, soaking wet and dirty. She was picking at the grass with her fingers and she was still talking to the ground. Jay, himself was covered in blood. "Come on. Up." He demanded, approaching her. Julia picked up the gun and aimed at him.

"Wanna get shot?" She asked.

"Can't sit out here all day, Julia."

"Leave me alone." She replied.

"Julia," He started toward her again and she pulled the trigger, her bullet pierced the post on the porch. "What the fuck."

"I missed you on purpose that time."

"Fine." He said, backing away from her. "Whatever, Julia."

She never intended on shooting Jayson. She wouldn't do that, but she meant business and she was starting to feel angry. She wasn't ready to move yet. Jay disappeared another couple hours. He busied himself cleaning himself up first, scrubbing death off him from the walkers on the fence. He'd never seen that many accumulate there before. He hadn't started a fire in the house in ages. The whole process to eating a meal was ridiculous. Before he started a meal, he filled up ice trays with water and he carried them to the crawlspace under the pantry. Empty and it wasn't plugged in. Jay remembered working with Tom, he remembered the whole set up and how to work it and troubleshoot it. Tom had showed them all and had written instructions in his book in the crawlspace. Jay got the fridge running, placed the ice trays inside the freezer and he head out to the coop where he caught himself a bird and then killed said bird.

He poked his head around the house, carrying a dead chicken. "Dinner, Julia?" He asked.

"Hmm, please. I am starving." She crawled over to the steps and she pulled herself to her feet with the help of the railing. He went to her and she took his arm. "Yeah, um, I am sorry I shot at you, Jay."

"Considering the day, I will let that slide."

"If I do it again, you just shoot back, ok."

"I will indeed." He smiled. He guided her round the back. He left her at the shower stall. "Get in. You're filthy."

"Yes, Jay." She smirked, stepping inside the shower stall.

"Need help?"

"Just a towel." Jay fetched her towel and her robe, and she had brought her bathroom bag with her scented soaps and lotions. He set to work on the bird and had it ready to cook for their dinner while she showered. He had picked potatoes from the garden patch and he had picked some string beans, enough for the both of them. Before he started cooking, he built a fire in the hearth, then he went to bring her in from the shower.

"Feel better?" He asked her as she held his arm up the steps to the addition.

"Oh, yes, I do."

"You hurting?"

"Yes."

"I turned on the fridge and I got some ice ready. We'll give you some more Tylenol."

"Thank you."

Jay led her to her room in the addition and he'd brought all their stuff down from the upstairs. He didn't want her going up and down the steps. He'd moved them back in the addition where they belonged, which was fine with her, but she stood inside Chess's room.

His pack he'd set in his room on his bed. She looked across the hall from him into the room across from his. That was her room.

"A bed is a bed, but that's my bed." She said to herself. "It's only overnight. It's one night."

She went to the kitchen and she helped herself to coffee.

"The ice isn't completely frozen yet, but it should be soon."

"Thanks, Jay." She said. "Coffee?"

"Please." He answered. "I don't like cooking like this." He added. "Making this huge fire for two people."

"Thanks, Jay." She repeated, pulling a chair over to the hearth. "I'll do it." She set her feet on the ledge of the hearth and she flipped the chicken he'd sliced up. Fresh meat. "Mr Strand said we're not supposed to eat our chickens."

"I didn't see any deer wandering around or I woulda shot one, Julia."

"Probably scared off by the walkers. There were a lot of them."

"You saw them?"

"Nah, I heard them though. When I came the other day."

"You were here the other day?"

"Yes. I came twice. Once to see if it was still here and what kind of supplies we needed. Then yesterday, me and Tav brought the bag. We had a talk. We went for a walk. We came home."

"He told you what I said, then?"

"Not in so many words, but in his own way, yes." She leaned back in the chair and she watched the flames as they cooked the meal for her. She felt the heat on her toes and she liked it. "I love the fire."

"I know." He said, setting out two plates on the block in the center of Luz's kitchen. He set silverware and drinks on the table and he sipped his coffee.

"Tired, Jay?"

"Yes." He answered. "I wanna eat and pass out."

"Sounds like a good idea." She agreed.

Dinner passed in relative silence. Each lost in their own thoughts and thinking about the day. Jay collected and washed their dishes and Julia sat uncomfortably watching the fire as it burned down to embers.

"How about the weed, Jay?"

"Yeah, what about it? You wanna smoke?"

"Please. We gotta get a plant too and-"

"Already done."

"Thanks, Jay."

He brought a joint for them from his room. "We smoking in here?" He asked.

"Who's gonna complain?" She asked back, looking around the table. He lit up and handed it to her. She hadn't been high in months. It felt good. It numbed her brain. It took some of her pain away. She looked at Jay as he took a drag. "When we go home, we'll celebrate your birthday." She said, breaking the quiet between them.

"Yeah, we don't have to. What a birthday, huh?"

"Next year's will be better. Promise." She told him.

"How do you know?"

"Well, this can't get worse, can it? I mean anything that ever happens again will be an improvement over this."

"True." He paused. "I can't believe you love it here. I mean, it feels like home, but it's so quiet, so empty."

"These walls are like arms around me. I feel so comfortable here."

"Oh. Must be the memories, cause I don't feel it."

"Not yours to feel, I guess." She stood up and she walked slowly to the addition. The rain had started up again and the sky opened up on them. The rain pelted the roof. It was heavenly, not noisy. She laid on the bed in the room across from Jayson's and she pulled a light blanket over her legs. He followed a few minutes later with an ice pack.

"You wanted your room?" He asked, surprised to find her there.

"I do. Thanks, Jay." She opened her legs and set the cold pack between them, tucking it against her. "My pussy hurts. It's sore."

"Let me know when you need more, when it melts. I'll go get it for you."

"Thanks, Jay. Not just for the ice, but for everything. Thanks for taking care of us."

"Yep. You're welcome." He said, heading in his room. He peeled off his shirt and opened the window for some cool air. He laid down on his bed that he never thought he'd sleep in again. His head hit the pillow and he hoped that when he woke that this day would have all been a dream.

He woke a few hours later to the sound of rain on the roof and the sound of Julia crying. It was an unusual sound as she didn't spend a lot of her life crying, but under the circumstances, he could understand why. He thought this day had been difficult for him, but he had no idea what it was like for her. He listened as she was in the room next door.

He heard the umbrella open and he heard the door to the addition open and he knew where she was going. A few minutes later she came back, the umbrella she set by the door to dry and she went back to the room she shared with Chess before going to her own small room across from him.

"You alright?"

"Fine, yes." She answered through the darkness.

He got up. He said nothing as he went to her room. He took her ice pack and he went and filled it for her. She was crying again when he handed it to her. "Jules, move over." He said, pushing her shoulder. He laid down next to her. "Come here." He sighed, pulling her warm body against his chest. "Babe, we'll get through this. We'll be alright."

"Uh-huh." She nodded.

"We will."

"Cause we can depend on each other?"

"I'm not gonna let you lay here alone. I know it hurts, Jules."

One day at a time...she thought...one day at a time...like Tavin said.

Choose the people...like Jay said.

Eggs and more potatoes. Jay shredded them. He made coffee while he waited for her to wake up. He'd checked on her a few times and she was out cold. Her body ached. She was exhausted. She was emotionally drained. She'd had a rough night at his side. How he managed to keep it together was a mystery. He thought he'd be more emotional himself. He thought he'd be the weak one and Julia would be the strong one. When she fell apart, he held it together. There couldn't be two of them melting down.

The sadness still lingered, but he felt like he did the right thing. It was, after all, what he'd wanted to do. She had chosen him and put her faith in him, choosing to go it alone. There were a few times he thought they weren't going to be able to do it. Julia hadn't realized the pain she was facing as the hours passed despite having witnessed other's pain. Julia could handle emotional pain. She could handle stress and the more she had piled onto her, she managed to see her way through it. Physical pain, she'd never felt before. Not to any great magnitude anyway. He was sure that he would never want to go through anything like that as fascinating and as amazing an act as it was.

He wanted to pack them up and he was ready to leave. They'd arrived with a purpose and they'd seen that purpose through. Julia, on the other hand, once she arrived, she felt that pull, that feeling like she was home, so he let her have her way. He let her enjoy it or comfort her like she deserved. He hoped that he wouldn't have any issues talking her out of the farm house. He hoped he didn't have to coax her into taking them home.

Jay went out and cleared the fence, knocking off more bodies. Quite the death wall was piling up out there and if she decided to hold him hostage for any length of time, he would have to gather those dead and burn them. They already stunk. He should have already started burning. He hopped the fence and he started dragging them to the burn mark on the ground. It was easier when he and Chess used to do this. A partner would be a big help. He needed an extra set of hands badly. Julia wasn't an option at that point in time. Some of the bodies were heavy, some fell apart when he dragged them due to the advanced decomposition. It was a dirty job. He piled them two high in a long row and he doused them with accelerant, then he lit them up. The ones that had been ended the day before had gone up like tinder. They'd dried out in the bright morning sun.

"Hey, we burning them during the day now?" Julia asked as she stood, peering over the fence.

"I have to, babe. They stink and there's a lot. This is only half." He answered, joining her at the post.

"Oooooh, I don't like you out there alone." She shook her head. "Please be careful, Jayson."

"I'm safe, babe. The dead are dead."

"I can make us some breakfast. I see you got shit ready. Would you like that?"

"Please. I'm starving." He answered, wiping his brow with his tee shirt. Julia handed a water bottle over the fence. He waved at it, he didn't feel like pulling off gloves. She climbed on the bottom slat of the fence and she untwisted the cap.

"Open." She said, holding up the bottle. He took a big drink, then she dumped the rest of the water over him.

"You feel better."

"Uh, yeah. I feel so much better. I got some energy back. I got some sleep."

"Still sore?"

"Oh, yeah. I got an ice pack in my pants. Hey, come in when you're ready. Want some asparagus? The crop looks excellent this year. Nice and thick, Jay." She sounded so excited. She had planted that asparagus. "And some tomato slices. Did you see the maters, Jay?"

"I did, Julia." He smiled.

"I hate planting it, but it is a glorious sight to see, my Jayson. Look. Maybe we could eat some corn too. I doubt there's butter, but it's probably so sweet you wont need it. Butter, I mean."

"Go on and play in your field, Jules. I'll be in."

"Oh, you got your gun? I don't want you out there without one."

"I do."

Julia wandered off into her field and he watched as she disappeared through the corn rows before he went back to tossing bodies on the fire. When he returned to the house, she had breakfast ready. He scrubbed up in the barrel outside the kitchen door and went in to eat.

"I wish we had some bread for the dippy eggs." Julia mentioned. "You know how to do that, Jay? I never paid Luz any mind."

"I'm sorry, no." He answered. He added some salt to his tomato slices. She was dead on with the asparagus too, which wasn't his favorite veggie, but they grew it in abundance because it regrew each year. It was one less thing to plant. "You miss that field, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you grow a garden then?  At home?"

"I wasn't interested at home, Jay."

"When are we going home, Julia?"

"Soon. After dinner. I want to eat corn. You got the weed ready?"

"I didn't. Not yet."

"Well work on that. I would like to spend the day here. If that's ok with you."

"Well, you're my ride home, so..."

"Jayson Keller. You serious?" She asked, laughing a little.

"Can we pull them in? Like we used to?" He asked, eating his tomato slice.

"Yep, you did it once, you can do it again. Who you pulling?"

"No, I mean could we have pulled my brother to help with Care?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you?"

"One witness to that was enough for me. I wasn't at my best."

"It wasn't your worse either."

"Did you think we needed help? Cause I think you did just great on your own, Jay."

"No, we were alright. You did all the work."

"You coulda dragged him outta bed if you needed him."

"I can still do that too?"

"Why you acting so surprised? It's all still possible. Yes."

"We could now?"

"He's at work."

"All of them? We could-"

She nodded. "Who do you want, Jayson?"

"No one. I'm just asking. I don't feel it like I felt it last time."

"Geeze, how can you not?" She asked, gathering up their dishes.

"I can-"

"I know you can. If I made it across the field to the fence, then I can do a dish."

"Yeah, ok. I will -uh- go get the weed, then."

"Find me some flowers, when you take the horses out. If there's any in that field. Thanks."

"I'm taking out the horses?"

"I thought you would want to-"

"Want me to milk the cows too?"

"If you want. Yeah, we haven't had unpasteurized milk in ages. Thanks. Great idea."

Jay felt like this was Deja vu. She was on point and bossy. She still looked down, but she felt better.

"Remember how obsessed you were about milk, Julia?"

"Oh, yes, I traded shot guns for chickens and milk. Milk...we had cereal, babe. I wanted cereal."

"It was so funny you learning how to milk them. The greatest afternoon ever. I never laughed so hard."

"It looked so dirty and you were all laughing at me." She smiled. "But I did it." She washed up the dishes and set them in the drain. "Hey, I can do it. Want some help?"

"No. It's cool. You can do whatever you do in here."

"I'm going to find Kelly's art supplies. There's something I would like to do."

"Ok. I'll be back then."

"What is her middle name?"

"I don't know. Pick something and let me know."

Julia found Kelly's art bin she used with the kids and she went to work at the table. She gathered the wooden slats and she made the same of a cross, tying them with wire to keep them in the shape she wanted. She painted it next and waited for it to dry. She put the art bin back and head outside. She watched as Jay picked wild flowers from the field while the horses ran and played and exercised. Jay sat on his wood pile and he watched them. Whatever he was thinking was a mystery. She'd watched him do this a lot when they lived there. Jay loved the horses.

He saw her at the fence and he brought the flowers to her. "Enough?"

"Yep, thanks." She nodded, taking the cluster from his hand. "August." She said. "Caroline August Keller." She turned and wandered back through the yard to the house. When he brought the horses in, he milked her cow and brought the milk inside to her. He poured it in the bottles and then ducked into the crawlspace to place it in the fridge. When he emerged from the pantry he noticed the cross on the table. White and bound with wire. Across the slat she wrote the baby's name. The flowers lay on the table next to the cross.

He found her in Chess's room, flipping through the notebooks. One sat beside her on the bed and across the cover it read SAM.

"Why'd you bring that?" He asked, pointing at the book.

"Tavin put it in the bag." She replied. "I don't want to read it yet. One child is enough this trip."

"But why now?"

"Cause he thought it would help." She answered, knowing Tavin had read the book and knew the contents unlike her and Jay. "He's your son, Jayson." She explained, sensing that Jay only believed Sam belonged to Chess, not himself.

"Oh, really? Since when?"

"Since your brother told me. I haven't read it yet, Jayson. He did."

"Well then. Leave that shit here. I would like to be surprised."

"Sure, Jay. I will. But he comes after...you never knew about Samuel."

"Oh, why?"

"We conceived in Virginia." She answered him. She set her book down a moment. "It's why you're here now."

Jay put his hands up. "Why do you do this? You like talk in code or something. Why can't you just say what you're thinking and-"

"Basically, I didn't need Chess."

"Thanks. You never did."

"I didn't wanna bring him up."

"You're in his bed now."

"I'm reading." She said feeling defensive.

"We aren't here for that." He was antsy and uptight.

"Jay, I asked for a day."

"I didn't ask for any of this."

"If you wanna go home so bad, you go jump there."

"Otherwise I wait for my ride." He sighed.

"What is wrong? Other than the obvious?"

"Julia, you know I love you. I'll give you your damn day." He threw his hands in the air and walked away from her.

Julia closed her book and she set it and Sam's book on her dresser. She got her bag and she put her things inside it. She left it on the bed. She then went to Jay's room, got his bag and then set it on her bed. She went to him where he sat at the table. She picked up her cross and her flowers. She was crying. "Will you do this with me please?" He sat still a moment then reluctantly went with her. She laid the cross and the flowers over the freshly turned earth above Caroline. They stood a few minutes and then Julia turned and head back inside where she started closing up the house. He watched as she did so. He watched as she shut them inside. She motioned to him and he followed her into Chess's room. 

"Julia, I didn't mean to upset you. You-"

She was pissed. She pulled the top dresser drawer open and she pulled the gun off his waist. She set his inside. She pulled her own and set it inside. "As miserable as I am at this very moment, Jayson Keller, I was still somehow at peace here. For a few fucking hours, I just wanted some peace. I don't wanna be alone."

"Julia,"

"I just wanted a day." She took her small bottle of vodka from the dresser and she tucked it in her pocket.

"But Julia-"

She handed him his bag and she grasped hers by the loop at the top. Much lighter returning home. She jumped them on anger alone to the house where their sudden appearance scared the family to death.

"I asked for a day." She dropped her bag on the floor.

"Julia, it's nothing but a reminder."

"You think I am that insensitive that I don't realize that? It's not about me and it's not about you. It was about Caroline."

"Julia-"

"Shut up." She screamed.

"Julia," Tavin interrupted her.

"Not right now." She yelled at him. "You get out. Get out, Jayson. Go away, get away from me."

"Julia-"

"Not now. Not now. I can't. I asked for a day. I was ok. I was dealing with it. Get out." She hurled her bag toward him. "I have feelings too, Jayson. I might not act like it, but I do. She's been dead for 12 hours, Jayson. You wanted to fucking leave. We left. Go the fuck home."

Jody was first up. He took hold of Julia and he took her away from there. He dragged her angry and enraged body out the door. 

"Tav, I told her to have her day. I don't know what I did. I did everything she wanted me to do." Jay was home and he was being humiliated and screamed at for no reason.

"Jay, she doesn't mean it. She's angry."

"I did everything she asked."

"Jay, after all these years, you still don't understand your girlfriend." Tavin said.

"You don't have to leave." Alex added.

He was crying and upset and confused. He pointed to the kitchen door where Jody had taken her. "She told me to leave. Again. I don't understand her. I don't-I did everything she asked." Jay backed toward the door, his back met the wall and he slid to the floor a weeping and shaking mess. He repeated, "I don't know what I did. I don't know what I did wrong."

Alex moved away from the basement doorway and Julia, too. He crossed the room to his brother and he sat next to him. "It's gonna be ok, Jayson." Alex put an arm around his brother's hunched shoulders and watched him cry into his hands.

"Why's she hate me so fucking much?"

"Jay, she doesn't hate you." Alex said, trying to comfort him. He stared up at Tavin, Alex's eyes looking for some kind of help.

"I'll deal with her." Tavin sighed, running his hands through his hair.

"Go ahead. You know exactly what to do with her. She listens to you. She listens...she hears you when you talk to her. Me, never. Why's she fuckin hate me?"

"Fuck." Tavin said. "Jay, it's not like that."

"Bullshit. You take her. You jump the fucking universe with her. Go make it all fucking better." Jay cried.

Tavin got on his knees in front of Jay. "Did you do right by your daughter?" He asked.

"Yes. I did everything I wanted for both of them."

"Could you have done more?"

"What? No."

"Then this is her, not you. Right?"

"It's always her. It's always her thinking I did something wrong. She got so mad. She got so angry."

"Well, I don't think you should be alone right now." Alex said.

"As bad as I feel all I wanna do is make sure she is ok. Why can't I just leave her the fuck alone? I try and she is there. I leave cause she tells me to leave and then she gets angry because I leave. She says she loves me and then treats me like shit and I wanted to be there. For her."

"I know, Jay." Tavin said.

"Why? Explain it to me."

"I can't, Jay." Tavin said.

"She won't. I have asked her. I didn't want any of this. I didn't ask for any of this. But it made her happy. She was so happy, then this. It's not fair. It's so not fair."

Tavin looked at Alex and shrugged. He didn't have a clue what to say or do. He just sat there with his brothers and listened as he complained and cried and explained. Then he got angry.

"I'll be back." He mumbled, wondering what Jody was doing with her.

He'd taken the bottle of vodka away from her. That was a plus. "Really, Julia?" Tavin asked as he stepped outside. "What the fuck are you doing? He's a fucking mess in there."

"He's leaving."

"Bitch, you told him to fucking leave."

"Hey," Jody said.

"Mayers, shut up." Tavin moaned. "What the fuck is this about?"

"He wants to go home. Home, home, home."

"You brought him."

"Home. What happens when we get home? This shit. This-" She yelled. "This. Leave the baby there. Leave her behind.  A place that means as much to me as the baby. Home, so he can stop thinking about her. Home, so he can go off and leave me doing nothing but thinking about her."

"I told you we will get you through this. I meant that."

"I know."

"What did he do wrong?"

"Nothing, he was perfect. He was Jay."

"Why are you treating him like this?"

"He wants to leave. I wasn't done with him yet. I wanted to share that with him. I wanted a fucking day, Tavin. One fucking day where nothing else mattered."

"He said he was giving you that."

"He didn't want to. He mentioned home. He said it a few times. He wouldn't fucking jump himself. So I brought him home and now we're fucking home."

She stood up. She couldn't sit much longer. Her entire body ached.

"You alright, Morgan?" Jody asked.

"I pushed a head out my vagina. I am sore. I thought I was being ripped apart from the inside out. Every muscle hurts." She answered. "But I am alright, Jody. Thanks for asking." 

"Have you calmed down now?" Tavin asked her.

"I have. Yes."

"Go in there and tell him you still need a day." Tavin took her arm and he led her back inside.

She went to the heap of tears that was Jayson and she took his hands. "Jayson. I am sorry." She said softly. "I know I do things you don't understand. I still need my day."

"Huh?"

"I still need the day. Please."

"What the fuck does that even mean?"

"It means I need you. That's what it fucking means. It doesn't matter where, ok. It means I don't want you to go home and leave me alone. That's why I didn't wanna leave. That's why I got angry with you."

"Why didn't you just say that? Why you gotta be so damn difficult?"

"Babe, after all these years, you should know when I need you."

"I was doing everything you wanted."

"Yes, and you weren't done damn it. You kept on-"

"Julia, no. Stop." Tavin told her.

She bent over in front of him because she could not tolerate sitting on the floor in front of him. "Hey, you look like you need me too. Am I wrong?"

"No, you're right." He tugged at her to sit with him.

"Jay, I am not telling you again. I am sore and it hurts to sit."

Jay got up. "Well, let's lay you down. I'll get you some more ice. Ok?"

"Yes, please. I am tired. We had a long day."

"We going back?" He asked.

"Fuck, no. We're going upstairs." She answered. "All that about going home and now you want me to jump back. Open up a whole entire house and-"

"Ok. Well, let's go up." He said, putting his hand on her back. "All you had to do was tell me. I am not a mind reader."

"Well, you should be." She said. "You got anymore weed?"

They watched as the two of them head upstairs. "Please. We don't need them back down here." Jody got an ice pack and handed it to Alex. "And see if they need anything else."

"Let them do whatever they do for each other and it'll quiet down."

"She's an angry one." Jody remarked. "What should I do with this?" He held up the vodka.

Alex returned downstairs and he swiped it from his grasp. "They want it."

"They do or she does?"

"They do. They're out of weed." Alex explained.

As fast as it started between them, it ended. Tavin was correct, it did quiet down and they were so quiet they couldn't tell they'd even come home. He settled Tarin in for the night and he had one more phone call from Chess. Tavin had called him the night before when they left. He didn't need the kid driving from Maryland to the house for no reason at all. He also didn't want to have to deal with him if he did show up. "It's fine. She could have just told me." Chess had said. He did take the news well that he'd been left behind until he started drinking, then it was evident when Tavin got the 2am phone call that he hadn't taken it as well as he thought. He spent an hour talking and listening to Chess of all people cry about his wife, trying to be understanding. But he did have to work in the morning, so Chess hung up. He'd held back on giving anyone any letters thankfully. He still had them and he hid them, but he didn't need a bunch of depressed and sad people looking to him for sympathy, guidance or anything emotion related. He thought he'd wait it out and see if they came home or not.

Tavin relayed good news. They were home, Julia lived and they were dealing with the loss.

"She's alright, then. Jay's ok."

"Yeah, Chess. They're as good as they can be right now."

"Ok, good. I was worried about them."

"Chess, he wanted to do it. It's not you. They know you would have. They're grateful for that. Trust me."

"Yeah, I know. I didn't want them to like suffer through it is all. But I'm glad they're home." He paused. "She like asked me to or I wouldn't have-nevermind. I'm glad she's ok."

"If they need you, they'll call. Or I will. It's cool, man."

"Yeah, she's gonna be in a world of shit. I can't get her out of this. I can help her hide maybe, but-"

"Hide from what?"

"She's got enough on her mind. So does he. But when they find out there's no baby, that all of this is done. I don't think the docs are gonna be happy."

"It's over though."

"It's not over by a long shot. She was supposed to call if anything went wrong. They're gonna have questions and they're gonna want answers. Care's an infected baby." He paused. "I hope she knows what she got herself into. She never did take any of this seriously. She's not a patient. She's part of it. So is Jay."

"I'll let her know."

"Not now. Give her time. She's two weeks from her appointment and they don't know shit. They need a plan for this."

"Great. This is great, Chess."

"Just sayin, brother. Tell her I love her." Chess hung up on that note. He'd passed along a warning. Maybe he would need those letters after all.

He no sooner hung up the phone and was heading up to bed when there was a knock at the door. Having just spoken to Napoleon, he was a little nervous about opening this door to see who it was. He expected men in black to be standing there with fake badges to haul them in. He needed to bring her up to speed on that as well. Those men in black were not the men in black who trailed Ray. Ray's were a delusion. The ones who followed Julia were homeland security. The knocking again. He peeked through the window and he wished they had been men in black.

"Awe, fuck me. This night gets better and better."

"Who is it, Tavin?" Alex asked.

"It's fucking Stefanie." He groaned.

"Oh, shit." Alex said, turning around on the sofa to face the door. "I wouldn't let her in, Tavin."

"Fuck me. Just keep fucking with me, Lord." Tavin pulled the door open and there she stood looking fifty shades of hot.

"Damn, she's fine." Alex whispered.

"Oh, brother, yes she is." Tavin said back.

"Where is he?" Stef demanded, hand on the latch to open the door.

Tavin left the door open a little. "Uh, Stef, now isn't a good time."

"There never fucking is." She replied. "So, Tavin."

Alex appeared next to him. "We should tell her the truth." He said.

"Oh, hi. Are you little Alex? I'm Stef." She sounded sweet to Alex. She looked to Tavin, "So where is he? Is he here? With her?" The mood flying off this little blond excited him.

"Um, you can't come in." He stopped her.

"He is. He's with her."

"Stef, it's a bad time." Alex said. He looked to Tav. "We should tell her the truth."

"Yeah, uh, they lost the baby." Tavin said, hoping that would be enough.

"When? Oh my, God. She was so far along. Is she alright? That's awful."

"Early this morning, so they're both kinda fucked up right now." Tavin answered.

"I'm sure. That's horrible. Is he ok? Can I see him?"

"Oh, um I think that he's probably not up for that."

"Why can't I see him?"

"She needs a day." Alex answered.

"It's a bad time for both of them. How awful. Ok, I understand. I was upset cause it is his birthday and we made plans, and he's not answering his phone. This is so much more important."

"Oh, maybe I shoulda called you. It's, they spent the entire night and then all day in the hospital and they can't deal with extra right now."

"Extra?" She asked him.

"They're just going through it is all."

"Hey, how'd you get here? Need a ride home?" Alex offered up his brother as a sacrifice to the bipolar.

"Oh, the bus. I was pissed and when I get angry, I get energy, you know."

"Oh, he'll take you home real quick. Wait here, ok?" Alex said, letting the outer door close.

"Alex, what the hell? Is it Jay's birthday?"

"Yes, it is. What a sad birthday."

"Ok, nevermind." He whined, turning to him. "You trying to be a wingman or what?"

"Don't sleep with her, ride her home."

"She look like ice cream, you think?"

"Oh, brother, she's nicer than ice cream. If I could drive, I would take her. We gotta get her outta here."

"Well, I'm gonna be awhile. Watch the baby. Do not bother them and make up some damn excuse if he asks where I went. You can tell her."

"You gonna hit that?" He asked, eyes wide.

"Oh, no. She's gonna hit this." He corrected him, pulling on a tee shirt and grabbing his keys. "That one-" he pointed to the door. "Is just like this one." He pointed to the stairs. "One in the same." He slid flip flops on his feet.

"Oh, but that's Jay's girl."

"Bullshit. Jay is with his girl." He pointed to the stairs. "You gotta find a crazy girl, Alex."

"Care is crazy."

"Then you should understand." He smiled. "You bother them if there's a fire or a disaster. Not for anything else."

Julia woke when she heard the baby crying. She crawled around Jay and she walked down the hall to Tavin's room. She opened up his onesie and she changed him, then she took him down the steps and got a bottle ready, bouncing him and hushing him as she fussed with water and scoops of formula. Alex slept on the sofa and Tavin's car wasn't in the driveway. She glanced at the clock, 1 am, much too early for work. She sat on the sofa, then stood back up. She walked the bottom floor of the house, feeding Tarin and talking to him.

"Such a sweet baby." She whispered. "We're so lucky to have you, yes we are." She whispered to him. "Why are you up, little guy? You miss your mommy don't you?" She said, placing an empty bottle on the counter. She placed the baby on her chest and she cuddled him, patting his back. She placed a rag over her shoulder, then readjusted him on her. As they paced the floor she saw headlights in the driveway. Tavin sneaked in his own house at 130 in the morning.

"Where were you?" She asked as he startled from seeing her up.

"Um, getting laid." He answered. "Why are you-he was supposed to get him."

"Yeah, see how that worked out." She said, pacing the floor. "I got him. He's fine."

"You sober, mommy?" He asked, approaching her.

"I am. He's passed the fuck out though."

"He drank all that?"

"Half. The drunker he gets, the more honest he gets. As if that's even possible." She sighed. "He loves me."

"All he wants is you to love him back."

"He's gotta let me." He stood close and reached for the baby. "You smell like pussy." She whispered. "Don't touch him. Go wash your hands."

"It's on more than my hands."

"That good, huh?"

"Member the other day when Stef stopped by with Jay?"

"Uh, yes. Lovely girl." She snickered.

"I know her."

"Awe, dammit, Tavin."

"No, in the lab, they said it was one of us that infected the girl." He went to the sink and washed his hands. "Jules, it was me."

"I thought you didn't know her."

"I didn't think I did. I didn't recognize her at her place. She had brown hair and she was alive and less bloody then."

"Her apartment though."

"She's anonymous. We hooked up after a meeting. She lived somewhere else then."

"Oh, Tav. And tonight?"

"Um, she showed up here looking for him." He answered, drying his hands on a towel. He looked over the counter. "He offered her a ride that he couldn't give her."

"Jay will not be pleased." She shook her head.

"He don't need to know."

"But, Tavin. That's not right."

"Tell me all about it." He smiled, taking Tarin from her. "She ain't ice cream. I only promised I wouldn't fuck ice cream."

"So you can fuck with the rest of us?"

"Well, Julia, don't start getting all holier than thou. Not with me."

"My lips are sealed." She said, heading to the fridge. She filled up another bag with ice.

"Them lips frozen, Jules."

"Hey, I don't have any drugs. Not fair. My pussy is throbbing and not in a good way."

"Everything else alright down there?" He asked, glancing at her crotch. She held the ice between her legs.

"Like the bleeding and all? Yeah. I think."

"You massaging your belly?"

"Yeah. I remember all this from Kelly. I think I am ok."

"Chess called again. He says he's glad you two are alright. He says he loves you."

"Great. Thanks. You give him the letter?"

"Nope. I called him and I told him not to come here. I told him the truth."

"The letter held the truth, but ok."

"I'm gonna hang onto the letters for now." He followed her upstairs and he told her in the hall outside her door what Chess had said about the docs.

"A plan, huh? No problem. I got a hiding spot. No one will find my ass till I want to be found."

"Where?"

"I was there last night. I'll come back when it's time."

"Him?" He motioned to her room.

"I'll take him with me." She shrugged. She patted the baby on his back. "You know, I am not going to any doc appointment. So they will come for us."

"You got everything you need there?"

"Got a field of food and a field of weed and plenty of firewood. Deer and rabbit meat. Milk and eggs. Chickens. Plenty of weapons. We'll be cool, Tav."

"Bored as fuck."

"Eh, I am an expert at entertaining myself in a confined space." She rubbed the baby's head. "You know, you are so lucky to have this little guy."

"I'm sorry, Julia." He rubbed her arm.

"Yeah, I know. I need another problem, right." She laughed. "Hope she was worth it."

"She was."

"She crazy. Stay away." She whispered.

"Oh, she's just like you."

"Yep, I heard." She nodded.

"Personality, the way she talks and her moods."

"Go to bed, lover boy. I'll see in in a few hours. We'll send him to his bomb pussy and I want this little guy." She smiled. She leaned to Tavin. "I love you."

"Me too."

She kissed his cheek. "So much." She turned and went in her room to the drunk brother.

He looked so comfortable, so peacefully passed out. How the tables had turned on her. Jay had his drunk moment. He confessed every ounce of love for her he held inside him. She crawled back over him and she laid on her back. He stirred, rolling onto his side, tucking his arm around her. "You alright?" His hand moved over her and he held her ice pack.

"I'm ok, Jay." She said.

"Cold, mommy." He said. His hand moved to her belly and she watched him fall back to sleep. She covered his hand with hers and she held it there. 

"Yeah, this world is cold, Jay."