Julia looked at her cell screen. Chess...she ignored the call. She was growing tired of frequent check ins with these people of hers. She curled against Jess and she snuggled against her chest. He hadn't been as attentive and he wouldn't since Julia Fry had appeared from zombie world. "You seen her? Hung out with her or what? She's your new bestie, right?"
"She told Chess she'd beat me up."
"Oh, my God." Julia rolled her eyes. "No one is beating you up. Want me to talk to her?"
She shook her head emphatically. "No. It wasn't like that. Not like us, no. I swear I never fooled around with her."
"Shh, it's cool."
Julia lay against Jess's naked chest. She kissed her breast and sucked her nipple a little till Jess wiggled down to meet her face. "Are you angry with me? Julia, I know this pregnancy is a surprise and-"
"Baby girl, you're having a happy, healthy baby. That's all that matters. I want you to be happy about this."
Jess's phone rang at that moment. She had told him they were friends and if he wanted to know where Julia hid, then to ask. Geeze...Julia answered her phone. "What, Chess?"
"You're with baby mama?"
"I am. Yes. She'd like what I can't give her, daddy. But I'm trying." She complained. "Whatcha want?"
"Just checking in. That's all."
"I am fine, daddy. I am not high, daddy. I am not drunk, daddy."
"Ok, ok."
"Hey, I wanna see Julia. Bring her around next time you're in the hood. Leave us alone awhile, take care of baby mama."
Jess got nervous as soon as she asked to see Julia. He'd effectively kept them separated since Julia had crossed over for a reason. Julia wasn't happy with Jess's betrayal. She feared that the Julia that lay against her wasn't happy with Jess's betrayal either. She frowned. "Julia, he's so different."
"I know, sweetie."
They kissed again and then she slid out of bed. Chess Morgan spent the year being a responsible man, taking care of a lot of business and then living it up in his spare time. He was rich and happy, all in anticipation of abject poverty in August.
Julia dressed and then harassed her brother in law for a ride to Gunny's Tat shop. She'd spent all day with Jess and then planned on spending the night, or part of it, with Gunny. She had a limited amount of time to finish the sleeve on her arm before the world came to an abrupt and gruesome end. With any luck, he'd feed her.
Ray did drive her to Gunny's, leaving her out at the curb. He had been surprised there was no nefarious act involved in the ride, no adventures involving Julia and law breaking. "Next month," she quipped, they would break all the laws they wanted together.
"Hey, Gun." Julia said as she entered the shop. That bell rang above the door, alerting him he had company.
"Hey, Julia." He said over the counter.
"Got any time for me?"
"Depends on whether you got anytime for me." He said, giving her a hug as she left herself behind the counter. "Not busy now." He said, leaving his hands roam over her back to her waist. "You look good, Jules."
"Thanks, I'm all fuckin better." She turned her back to him. She leaned on his counter and stood on her little step stool she kept there for reasons such as this. Gunny stayed behind her and reached below the counter. He poured a shot of vodka for her and set it in front of her. She downed it without thinking about it as he put her bottle back. She set the shot glass back on the counter with a hard clink and then unbuttoned her denim shorts. She let them fall over her hips and felt the material around her ankles. He had his jeans undone and she heard the condom wrapper tearing open. She wanted this. He made up for what Jesslyn lacked. He always took her at the counter and he always took her from behind and at the end he nearly split her in half.
Gunny was no normal means to an end, rather someone she enjoyed having behind her. She swore he watched this video replay in his spare time when there was no delivery pussy to be had. She knew the camera was in the ceiling in the corner above the door. She never looked directly into it, held her head down the entire time. She had known Gunny since high school. Mav West days after the big jump back that fixed absolutely everything. He had good drugs back when they used to party in the Morgan basement. As Gunny fucked her, that's what she thought about, a skinny half tatted 18 year old in a basement who wore all black and sketched demons in his spare time. They hadn't necessarily been the closest of friends back then, but he'd been a cool guy. A talented tattoo artist who worked in his dad's shop.
Gunny senior didn't make time for Julia anymore. If she were honest with herself, she preferred senior to junior bending her over the counter. The apple didn't fall far from the tree though, Gunny was equally as enjoyable as the graying father who had her on the tat table and in the storage room and in the back office and then in his bed in the apartment above the shop. He had put the name Caroline around her ankle with a babies breath wreath at the onset of Julia's depression. She'd arrived at the shop to have his dad start the zombie Jesus, but found junior instead. Zombie Jesus on the cross had been Gunny junior's work.
Gunny confessed he loved tattooing as much as he loved pussy. It was equally as satisfying. Only difference being he left his mark on the world with his tats. He finished coloring in the zombie worshippers at the base of the cross. The worshippers at zombie Jesus' feet all crouched running the length of her arm to her wrist. On her hand a stone and she had given it much thought as to the inscription on the stone. "Witness. Like chisel it."
"That's not what it says here." Gunny argued with her as he poured her another shot of vodka. He opened the drawer beneath his work station and held up the original drawing. "It says 'You killed the author of life, but God raised him from the dead'."
"I know. It's Acts 3:15 and the rest of it is 'We are witnesses of this'. Gun, you are not inscribing bible verses on my hand, so just chisel 'witness' onto the stone and it's done."
Gunny set about writing witness as she'd asked. "Chess had something entirely different written on his stone, too."
"You did this sleeve for Chess, Gun?"
"No, his back. More space, I had more room for detail. Same as the sleeve only more background."
"What did he write on his stone?"
"Every soul shall taste death. Then unto us you shall be returned." He answered her. "So, uh you wanna go with witness or what Chess chose?"
"Witness, thanks." She answered him. I have witnessed souls tasting death and returning...I bear witness...
"Another shot, Julia?"
"Yeah." She replied, accepting the shot glass from him. Gunny gripped her right hand, folding her fingers over his and the needle started to drag across her stone.
She swore she fell asleep, but she must have taken a little trip along black out street. The pain that jolted through her abdomen was unlike anything she had felt since childbirth.
"Hold still, Jules. I told you to hold still." Gunny seemed angry for a moment. "No stranger to pain, huh?" He asked with a laugh.
"Nah, I'm not." She replied, settling back on the chair. She took a glance down and saw what he'd done. A belly button ring. It was cute and she admired it from her spot. Pierced and tatted in one sitting. "It caught me off guard is all." She said as he released her. He rattled off a list of things she'd need to do for that area, keep it clean, etc...what to expect..."I'll survive."
"You're drunk. Sleep it off." He said as he stood above her.
"Gonna fuck me again?" She asked. But he didn't answer. "You gonna fuck me again?" She repeated. She opened her eyes and looked around the roof top garden. Sober. Alert. Darkness. She turned her head and spied him sitting in the chair across from her chaise lounge.
"Absolutely not." He replied dryly.
"Um, I must have been dreaming."
"Yeah, I see." He smoked a cigarette and he waited for her to arouse. "You drunk or high?" He asked.
"Neither." She replied, turning on the chaise lounge and putting her feet on the roof top. "Geeze, Chess. Why are you here?"
"Why am I? Explain, please."
"Explain what? I don't explain myself to you."
"15 grand, Julia. I completely wasted 15 grand."
"Where are you?"
"The roof."
"What roof? Where the hell are you?" Julia heard Jay's voice and Chess faded physically into his energy form, a dark blue and she heard him yelling at her. "Julia, where are you?"
She opened her eyes. Fluorescent lights bright above her and she held her phone in her hand. "Where am I?" She asked, staring at the ceiling. She focused a little more closely at the room around her. She sat in a stiff chair, she heard buzzing. "My sleeve. I finished my sleeve." She held up her arm and she heard the voices from the next room in the tattoo parlor chatting away. She felt drunk. The room spun. "I don't feel good at all." She said aloud only to hear herself say it. But Jayson heard her on the other end of her iPhone. "Jay, it's a bad ass sleeve. I got it colored in." She told him as if he sat right next to her.
"Yeah, babe, that's good to know. So, you're at Gun's."
"Yep." She replied, sitting up in the chair. The leather stuck to her bare legs as she lifted each one and then shimmied forward only to slide onto unsteady legs. "I'm gonna be sick. Hold on." She crouched in front of the trash can and vomited half a bottle of vodka. Vomiting always made her feel better. Remnants of pepperoni pizza from the shop three doors down had returned to the world from which it came. She put the phone against her ear again. "That's better. Um, so what do you want, Jayson?"
"Julia," Her name hung in her brain. "You called me. We've been talking for an hour." He was pissed. He was beyond pissed off. She had dialed him. She had spent the last hour drunkenly talking in his ear. He sent Jen home because he answered the phone. She didn't recall any of it. She was sobering up. "Julia,"
"Yes, my love?" She asked softly, hoping that the easier her voice went over, the easier his heart would be. "Oh, I have been thinking...the people, right?" She giggled.
"What people?" He asked.
"Um, I am the people, Jayson. Oh, shit, I just realized...helping the people. You started with me." She sat on the floor and held onto her trash can. "Hold on." She vomited. More clear liquid and more chunks of pepperoni. She leaned back against the wall. "It's...we don't give up on the people even when they don't listen to us." She said, her voice slurry and pensive. "So what do you want, my Jay?"
"To help the fuckin people, I guess, Julia."
"Oh, hey, you don't gotta." She offered. She listened a moment, thinking he was already in the car. Her Jay, her day one, her ride or die. "Know what? I think I'll be ok, you know."
"I know that."
"Took me a long time to realize that and-" the phone disconnected as the bell rang above the entrance to Gunny's shop. She looked at the cell screen. "He hung up on me." She said under her breath. She was surprised he had spent that much time on the phone with her, entertaining her warped senses, listening to her throw up, making sure she was alright, amongst the living and grateful she was only drunk and not high.
"And what?" He asked as he pushed through the bead curtain into the piercing room.
"Oh, hey. How am I supposed to help the people if I am all fucked up and what not? Like, how will I best serve the people if I cannot first serve myself?" She asked, crawling across the floor to him. She met him at his feet and unsteadily got to her own feet.
"Very philosophical of you, love of my life." He took her by her left hand instead of her right because of the fresh ink on the rock.
"Oh, Gunny got me thinking, Jay." She said as she crossed the brightly lit shop and he led her through the door to the street to where he parked the car. "Every soul shall taste death and then unto us you shall be returned. Witness. I witnessed it."
"Yes, Julia. So have I." He placed her into the car and she fumbled with the seat belt. "You're wasted." Habits like seatbelts were a fact of life even in her drunken state.
"You deal with life and I deal with death. It is a balance, my Jay. The yin and the yang. I can't do both. Live and die at the same time, like one of us has to focus on the death and one of us has to focus on the life. Somewhere in the middle we meet."
Jay got in the car and started the drive home. "Yes, my Julia." He sighed loudly. "You had to be drunk to figure things out?"
"I don't know." She replied. "No good excuse for this, I will say that much." She put her window down and let the air in, then turned off the AC. "Hey," She said to him, taking his hand. "Where is she, Jay? What did you do with the baby?"
"Still have her, babe. You didn't wanna talk about what to do with her and I was not about to do anything with her without you."
"Ok. Thank you. I do care. I wasn't ready."
"I know that. You let me know what you wanna do and we'll do it." He took hold of her hand and squeezed it. "You ready now, you think?"
"Yeah, Jay." She answered. "Not this second, but yeah."
Jay walked her in the house and up the steps where she turned off to the bathroom. He had already been in that evening, but he stayed with her as she stripped off her clothes. She brushed her teeth and then lathered under the stream of water. He listened to her as she talked and she made sense as drunk as she was. She talked about the future as opposed to the past and the pain. She sounded so utterly optimistic about the end of the fucking world, he was feeling excited about it himself.
"You told me, Julia, that no matter what happened from that day forward would always be a step up."
"Because how could it ever get any worse?" She finished that statement for him. She remembered saying that to him. "Shoulda taken my own advice come to think of it." He smiled and didn't comment, though she had a feeling he wanted to chide her or insult her or yell at her. "So, Keller."
"So what, babe?" He asked as she stepped out of the shower.
"Babe," She giggled. Why he still called her that after all these months and all the torture she'd given him. It had to be a step up...she thought...he loved her, Caroline's mother. "I remember when you started calling me babe."
"I brought babe coffee every morning back when I could make babe happy, when a cup of coffee was all it took to make babe happy."
"Yeah." She agreed, wrapping in her towel and tucking it under her arm. She held her right arm out and took in her sleeve in color. "Witness." She said, fisting the right hand.
"Wanna see my rock, witness?" He asked as she studied the zombies vibrant colors, their distorted faces and bodies.
"You got zombie Jesus, too?"
"No." He answered. "I was not sitting there all that time. Chess is crazy and so are you. It hurt like a motherfucker, too."
"Nah, feels good." She smiled as Jay lifted off the counter and pulled his tee over his head. He turned his back to her and across his shoulder blade was the rock, a large one with a quote etched onto it: The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. "Gandhi." She nodded. "It suits you."
"I thought so." He folded up his tee shirt and held onto it. "We staying in here being philosophical all night?" He took hold of her left hand and led her out of the bathroom to the bedroom. His room, her bed. His belongings littered the four corners of the room and she lived out of a bag. Her pajama shirt still laid across the end of the bed. They slept on off cycles. She stayed up all night usually and he slept all night. She'd sleep all day while he worked and worked out and had a life. "You sobering up?"
"Yeah, Jayson." She sat on the edge of the bed, still buzzed, and she rubbed lotion on her legs and arms. "Thanks for coming to get me."
"Part of helping the people. You sleeping with me or are you wandering off doing whatever you do all night?"
"Feel like the vampire's company, Jay?"
"Always." He answered, moving across the bed to make room for her. She dropped her towel and crawled in, laying against him. "Oh, you're in the mood finally?" He asked surprised as he placed a hand on her hip. "This included in the friend zone now?" He asked, because she had booted him into that friend zone after she got out of rehab. She hadn't left him touch her, hug her, kiss her, or near her since she was discharged. "Can you gimme what I want?" He asked. "Cause I told you what I want." He lay with her, hand holding her hip for dear life and gauging her need and desire based on the amount of alcohol she'd consumed.
"Nobody else." She answered him, feeling the pressure of his hand on her hip. She was sore...arm, belly, and vagina. Gunny was not small in any sense of the word.
"Can you?"
"No." She replied. She couldn't give him that promise even though he wanted to hear it. "I can lie. I can say ok and then I would have to live up to it. It's a gamble for you."
"It's a bet I always lose." He added. He left go of her hip and pulled a blanket over them. He kissed her forehead. "I love you."
Just when I thought we were getting somewhere...Julia thought. It's funny how through the dependency, he made himself available to her in all ways. As soon as she was home again, he closed off to her. As if there was nothing left to worry about or take care of. Did he see her as a job? She smelled the lotion she had just applied, which was different from the scent on her sheets and her pillow. She moved her hands over the mattress and felt the energy that was left over, the soft vibes, soothing and..."Can you?" She asked him suddenly, breaking the silence between them. "Live up to the restrictions you place on me if they were placed on you?" Her hands moved over the mattress to him. Her left hand took his right in hers.
"I can. I have proven that."
"When?" She asked. "If you think about it, Saint Jay. I think you were only faithful to Jesslyn." She paused, thinking about it through her buzzed mind. "If you think about the lessons you have learned," She continued, holding onto his hand as if he would try to make a break for it. "You learned lessons and applied them to Jess. You are overly critical when it comes to me."
"Seriously." He said under his breath.
"Seriously." She laughed. "Who's been in this bed that smells this good?" She asked as the scent from her pillow invaded her nares. Jay opened his mouth to speak. "Don't answer that." She cut him off, because she didn't want or need to know. She was trying to prove a point.
"Are you reading me, Julia?"
"I don't read you." She answered quickly. He would know if she was, her alcohol would have an effect on him. "I like to be surprised." She said, thinking that reading Jayson had never been very interesting. There was nothing to read and usually he was very forthcoming with the honesty. "It's strange how I trust you, Jayson. I take you at face value and no matter what you do in your spare time, I never believe it could be someone else. Even though there is someone else. There has always been someone else, but the way you act with me, I think you must have your damn reasons."
"You are the reason."
"Yep, I suppose you get lonely. You need other people. You like companionship and love and the need to be needed and loved. I don't." She shrugged that assumption off and rolled onto her side, leaving Jay's hand go. "I use people, Jayson. I never use you. You never use me. You never hurt me on purpose. That's why I let you do whatever you please. I give you some lee way when it comes to that. I don't get angry or jealous or rage at you. I deal with it." Julia saw the phone screen light up on the table next to the bed. Jay's phone. "If that man doesn't leave me alone." She growled, handing Jay his phone.
"What's up?" Jay asked as he answered the phone. "She's fine. She's asleep." Jay lied. "Yes, I have her. She's ok." Chess was on a rant a few minutes. "Chess, she's fine. No one ate off her pretty face." Jay nudged her with his elbow. "Just add vodka from what I gather."
"Oooh, it's not his business." She whispered.
"No drugs, no. She was wasted, but no drugs. She's fine, Chess." Jay tried explaining this again and Chess accused him of covering for her. "She got her sleeve finished. She got a cute little belly button ring. She is fine." Jay assured him. "Ok. Whatever. Add Gunny to the list. Yeah, bye." Jay reached over her and set the phone on the table.
"What list, Jayson?" She asked as he settled his body against hers.
"Don't worry about it." He put arms around her and she adjusted her body to his embrace.
"You're making a list of what? What's Gun's name going on a list for?" Jayson hesitated to make her aware of the running list Chess formed. "What-" He kissed her neck and relaxed behind her, closing his eyes a moment, debating whether to tell her or not. He wasn't even sure Chess was serious about the list or whether he was keeping a tally of people to criticize her one day. Jay reached for his phone again and opened up an email. He handed her the phone with the list of names. She read them over and moaned audibly. "Seriously. Why?" She asked as she scrolled through the names. She scrolled back to the top and the email title clearly read kill list. "They didn't do anything wrong, Jay."
He lay silent as she internalized what the kill list meant and then thought about August 15th. "You cannot kill all these people." She whispered. "Unless they turn, but...I told you we should talk about what I have done, so we have a clear understanding." She set the phone back on the table and he could sense she had more to say.
"V Sanders. Whatcha killing Victoria for? We kill women randomly now?"
"That's a chick?"
"Yeah. She is, Jay."
"Kyle. I never did anything with Kyle. He only lives with Julio. He's a perfectly nice kid. He's shy and he never touched me."
"Ok."
"Gunny did my sleeve, Jay."
"Chess said that isn't done for free. Not that kinda work. You were fucking him, babe."
"So," She shrugged. "Gonna kill everyone I fucked?" She asked him seriously. "Jay, that makes no sense." She shook her head in disbelief. A list. "Jay, no one on that list hurt me."
"Didn't exactly help you either."
"Are you going on the fuckin list, Jay?"
"Huh? Why?"
Jay was confused by the question. He explained he wasn't like the people on the list. "You're my girlfriend, Julia. Why would I-"
"You had a girlfriend named Adrienne." She argued. "You fed me. You bailed me out. You fucked me when you should not have been fucking me. You crossed the line from friend to enabler or customer or whatever you two are calling the people on that list."
"That's what you think of me?" Jay lifted and pulled away from her.
"That's what you think of the rest of these names."
"You think I am no different from them?" He sounded genuinely surprised and hurt by that assumption.
"I told you we should talk about it. I asked you if we were done discussing it and you said, yes." She reached for the phone and she unlocked it. He still used her birthday as a pin even after she had called Ade. She sat on the bed by the pillow. "What are the requirements to go on the list?" She asked as she scrolled. He took the phone from her.
"Michael Dean."
"Didn't fuck me." She shook her head.
"Julia, you're gonna lie and say-"
"I'm not lying." She responded sounding annoyed by his accusation. That's what they thought she was doing. "Oh, Jesus Christ. You two are clueless and you're gonna kill these people?"
"What the hell were you doing then? Enlighten me."
"Now you choose enlightenment. I wanted to do this like two weeks ago."
"I thought I knew two weeks ago."
Julia leaned over and peered at the screen as he scrolled the list email again. "Those guys are all off the dating app. They did not choose me. I chose them for specific reasons." She explained. "I'm not saying I didn't have any sex, cause, babe, I did. But I chose when I had sex and who I had sex with."
"What the hell?" He raised his voice at her.
"What? The world's about to end. I had fun. Sometimes I had too much fun and wound up in the ER. I understand I coulda died. I didn't care. I didn't feel a thing." She raised her voice back to him. "Jay, it got outta hand. That much I admit."
"You're not an addict?" He asked her. "Or an alcoholic?"
"Yes and no, but everyone else seems to think I am." She leaned back against the pillow and she relaxed. "Wind up back here sitting next to you every time and then once I get here and I got things under control, there's nothing for you to save anymore and you don't fuckin wanna deal with me anymore."
"Not true, Julia."
"Ugh, as usual. You're right and I'm wrong."
"You don't have anything under control, Julia. You were wasted earlier. You're drunk now."
"Yes, I am. You're stoned. And what's your fuckin point?"
"I don't have a drug problem, Julia. You know that. It's weed. I been smoking weed since I was 13."
"Ok, I have issues and they get out of hand sometimes. I admit that much." She pointed at the phone. "Names, say them. I'll tell you about them. Some or all. You'll see what I was doing, Jayson, even though you won't understand why."
"Victoria." He said since her name was on the top of the list.
"Married to Evan. They were a couple who wanted a girl. I met them. Had dinner with them. Their 15th wedding anniversary in fact. I was for her, not him. He watched as I made love to his beautiful wife and then when I was finished. I was, um, a marital aid for a few weeks."
"S. Dillon."
"Scott is his name. He's into feet." She shrugged. "Scott has a whole set up for feet. He worships them honestly. Washes them nice, massages them with this wonderful oily stuff, then he licks, bites and then sucks the feet. When he's finished, he washes the feet and then massages again and then applies a moisturizer. It's quite a satisfying ordeal."
"T Miller."
"Thomas. That one I did fuck. He likes to screw outside."
"It was the middle of winter, Julia."
"Well, not only outside per se, but out of bed, like public places. He's a cool guy. I like to fuck and so does he. We hit up a bunch of places whenever he felt like it and that's that."
"G Nevan."
"Gary. He enjoyed the shower. He liked for a girl, any girl really, to walk in on him while he was in the shower. Thus, being caught. He would either be jerking off already or start once I arrived and I watched him pleasure himself, wash up and then dry off. That's all."
"Michael Dean."
Julia giggled. "He was a weirdo. I didn't meet him off any dating app either. I thought about stopping so I went to a meeting. He's into pills. Oxy and percs usually, sometimes Xanax. He pretends he's in recovery to please Charlotte, his wife, but he's still high everyday. We smashed up and inhaled oxy."
"So what did he like to do?"
"Oxy. I wasn't fucking with him. He was fat and he was trying, but we didn't."
"Gunny."
"That was legit most of the time. But I was fucking him, if he did the sleeve. If the shop was busy, he'd call me and I would help out. When the place closed we'd drink. Sometimes we did lines. Depends. But I like him and he's a great artist." She explained. "You guys have known Gun your entire lives. What on earth are you thinking, Jayson?"
"We thought it was..."
"Yeah, don't even elaborate. I'll talk to Chess."
"It's still fucked up."
"So few of them actually saw my vagina though. That's the point to the app. What do they all have in common, Jay?"
"Weird shit."
"That and most of it doesn't involve me taking off my clothes. I was paid for a service and I complied with a fetish. It's smart and safer than the alternative." She tried to make sense of it for him.
"Who shoots drugs?" He asked. "Who were you buying it from?"
She shook her head. "Not telling you that, but I will say that name's not on the list." She looked at Jay as he looked at the phone screen. "Anyone else?"
"I've heard enough, Jules."
"It's a basic understanding of what I did." She said, sliding off the bed. She pulled her night shirt over her head and left the room. Still a bit dizzy from the alcohol, she righted herself and went down the steps to the kitchen. She filled a glass of tea and drank some by the fridge while she thought about the little truth that she spoke to Jayson. A glimpse of the dark side where the pain lived and she had no feelings or cares in the world. So easy it would be to slide back into it, open up an app on a phone and seek out those who had needs and fulfill those needs for a price. Chess had deleted the app and had deleted all her contacts she had from the app in addition to the texts and emails. He had personal knowledge of everyone she had contact with that she hadn't deleted herself. If Chess had her phone while she was in rehab, then he knew where the drugs came from. So he'd kept that from Jayson and Tavin, which she thought was a great decision. The boys didn't need to know about Karen. Though she doubted they would be surprised, that info wouldn't come from her mouth.
As she stood drinking iced tea, the most prevalent thought she had was why these people still cared about her or what happened to her or who did what to her and when? She felt so good when she had talked with Jay earlier, had a few new thoughts that made a little sense to her, thoughts that explained her feelings and her brain to herself if to no one else.
"It must be this house." She mumbled as she rinsed her glass. This house, she felt so uncomfortable inside of it. Her people were relieved she was home and safe, but what did any of it matter if she wasn't happy? Would she ever truly be happy again? It had been so long she couldn't remember what happy even felt like? Was it even possible or was it all an illusion, a goal to reach? Maybe, happiness, for her, was in a bottle? It was the only time she remotely felt anything at all let alone happy. "Maybe it's not about me being happy." She whispered to herself as she head back upstairs. She closed herself in the room with Jayson and she watched him play candy crush on his phone. He had to be at level two million by now and she swore he was the only person still crushing candy, but an addiction is an addiction.
"Ok, I'll, uh, do whatever you want." She surprised herself more than him when she said it aloud.
"You will, will ya?" He asked as his eyes steady focused on his cell screen.
We'll see how long this lasts...before I destroy this kid again. He's probably thinking the same thing. She crawled over the mattress and took his phone from him. She straddled his legs and she took hold of his hands.
"Well, go on." She sighed as she intertwined his fingers in hers. She could feel the tingling as well as he could. No vaccination. No fever. No problem with a connection. No problem wiggling her way to his head and allowing him the same luxury. All secrets and skeletons lay bare. She didn't just invade him, she allowed him to invade her. He could fish around her brain and see what he chose to see. Did he really want to know?
"You're letting me in?"
"I am. Have at it." She replied under her breath. "Enter at your own risk though, my Jay."
She normally only allowed this to Tavin. No one else got completely inside. Tav would get the 'it' she and he spoke of. Anything he chose to learn or discover was available to him. "This could take awhile." She said, laying against him, holding onto him as their energy exchanged hands. Every truth, every lie, every piece of her lay bare to his curious brain. She could feel the unease, the nervousness and at times the humor as he sought knowledge and then was revealed the truth. She had no choice. She would leave go when he chose to leave her go.
"She's over there, babe." He finally said, looking across the room to the shelf above the television.
"I see her now. Can you?" She asked. White sparkles of light darted around the box of ashes. He lay watching the orbs of energy flicker and move around the shelf. Faint, but she was present nonetheless. "Most of her energy is under a tree on the flip side. That's why she's not real bright."
"Wanna try again?" He asked.
"No." She replied as she listened to his heart beat in his chest.
"You were infected while you were pregnant with her Julia." He responded so assured and he sounded so optimistic.
"McGill was right, Jay. When he advised me to terminate the pregnancy. I didn't wanna hear it."
"You made the best decision based on the information you had at the time." He spoke the truth. They had no reason to believe Caroline would have been born infected. "I been thinking about it. What if there was nothing wrong with Care at all?"
"Jay, you were there through the whole thing."
"Jules, listen. Hear me out. What if there wasn't anything wrong with Care other than being premature? What if she was only premature and she would have died anyway? When she died, she turned. Like the rest of you that carry the infection."
Julia thought a moment. "Are you saying that if she was full term that she would have been born healthy?"
"Yeah, that's what I'm theorizing. I don't know for sure obviously, cause we didn't get that far." His eyes watched Care's energy again. "Julia, she survived the worst of the infection inside you in the beginning." He paused. "Tavin carries the infection. Tarin was born completely healthy."
"The fluid around her was green though, Jay."
"Yeah, I said it's just a theory, too." He reminded her, leaving go of her hands and putting his arms around her.
"You done reading me?"
"Julia, I know enough."
"What did you see?"
"I went back to the beginning, our beginning and I still love you now as much as I did then."
"That's sweet, Jay."
"Who knew coffee could make a girl that damn happy?"
"I think you are the only person who has made me happy. You know, like consistently happy."
"Wish I could do it now." He told her.
"You are right now. You have since you came and got me. Jay, you don't understand."
"You're so cold, Julia. Since you came home, you're cold and distant and-"
"Medicated. You people want me medicated. Welcome to medicated. The world could fall apart and you couldn't get a rise outta me." She tucked her arms around his waist and clung to him. "I wanted to talk, Jay. I needed to and you dismissed me, didn't wanna hear me. That's what we do. We talk and you been avoiding me and pushing me away."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize for feeling whatever you felt. It's my fault. But I only felt dirty every time I tried to say something, anything. Then you'd be mean to me and you don't ever get mean with me. It made me feel horrible. Like you wanted to make me Mrs. Keller on a Sunday and on a Monday, the story changed."
"I'm sorry." He apologized again.
"So it was bound to happen. I wanted a drink so bad I didn't think twice about it when Gun gave it to me. But I am so glad it happened because these drunk moments make sense of things for me. Like the sleeve, the inscription on the stones, it's me getting signs from the universe that explain everything and nothing at the same time."
"Jules."
"Yeah, Jay."
"Get off me. My legs are asleep."
She slid off him and curled up next to him as he moved and laid on his back. Her hand moved over his belly to his shorts where she felt him.
"Jules, I already had sex twice today." He admitted, feeling himself growing hard in her palm.
"Uh, yeah, so have I." She pulled her hand away and he caught her.
"Hey, I didn't say stop."
"Alright, geeze."
She put her hand back on him, which initiated an hour's long grope fest that culminated with Jay inside her. That unfolded into the next day. He had spent the day on and off touching her, massaging her, holding her, kissing her, sneaking hands beneath her pink sundress and occasionally inside her panties.
The odor of pot caught her attention, wafting in the back door. For someone who complained about her drug use, he didn't have a problem smoking around her. "Wanna hit?"
Am I a drug addict or not, Jayson? "Nah. I'm good, Jay."
No drinking, no smoking, no disappearing and no more hurting herself or anyone else. She kept the plan to herself and went through the motions through the day. She'd spent most of her waking hours thinking about the year of dreams she had. Her accomplishments and her failures were dead even. She'd left relationships go and she had formed new ones, mostly alliances and then there was Jody, her 'only friend left' by choice. She'd spoken with Jo every couple of days since coming home from rehab. Prior to that, she would speak with him during her sober moments and usually when she was at Julio's. She used Jay's cell and tried calling him but he didn't answer. Whatever he had going on with Chess took up a lot of his time. As the 15th approached, she had a feeling that Kev's biological clock was ticking it's final moments. She had mentioned Kev a couple times to both Jody and Chess, but neither was willing to budge their views on the need to end him. She had no knowledge of any plan and she wasn't about to pick up any phone and warn him either. Chess was forming his alliance with New York ahead of time, she was sure. Since Jody didn't answer, she dialed Chess.
"What's up?" He answered the phone so basic.
"Hey, Chess."
"Hey, Jules. What's up?"
"I was wondering where Jo is?"
"Did you call him?"
"He hasn't answered. I tried the last couple of days. Is he ok?"
"Probably with the Ariana Grande look-a-like. Where's your phone? Why ya calling from Jay's?"
"Cause it's sitting next to me and mine is upstairs." She didn't want to use it, see who had messaged her or emailed her. She didn't want any notifications either.
"Well, if you're calling Jo from Jay's phone, odds are he won't answer. He's feeling some kinda way about Wednesdays."
"Jay doesn't have anything to do with Wednesday with the contact. What's the big deal?"
"He cleared this all up with Jay. It's open again. He'll get over it."
"So when's Julia coming to visit? I need to chat with her."
"She's sitting next to me. What do you want to chat about?"
"I haven't seen my sister in awhile. Might like to chat with her. Is that ok?"
"Bullshit, you don't give a fuck about-"
"Jesslyn Gilligan, Chess."
"In the morning or the afternoon."
"Tomorrow, then."
"Yes. Ok? I gotta see her anyway. She got more stuff for the baby. Anything you need, Julia?"
"For what?"
"The 15th."
"A glock and my knife. A pair of good boots. Not Tims either, like army grade boots and I would like it here with me."
"I'll get the boots." He replied, indicating the gun and knife were already taken care of.
"We need to chat about the list." She heard him groan through the phone in her ear. "I saw the kill list, Chess. It's not a joke and you're blowing this way outta proportion. So we'll have a serious chat like I did with your cousin." She replied annoyed with him and his unnecessary intervention. "So, tell Jo to call me please."
"Why was I on a roof last night?"
"I was drunk as fuck. That's why." She snapped at him. "I-uh-I'm hungover as fuck today though."
"I bet."
"I'll see you both tomorrow."
Julia disconnected before he could reply or begin a rant about 15 grand in her ear. Her attention shifted to the TV, CNN commentators discussed the game plan for the overloaded ER's and doctor's offices in the majority of the states in the union. This type of fear mongering angered her. What are the hospitals, urban and small local, supposed to do? They're taxed, supplies are running low. There were cases through out all 50 states. People were dying and their resurrections were kept from the public. Someone should have warned the general public. Someone other than YouTube users who were mocked by major news media. They wanted to avoid mass panic and civil unrest. Julia changed the channel when Tatia descended the steps. They watched Disney channel instead, but Julia's thoughts centered on the coming pandemic. Incidents were public knowledge, but the true nature of these incidents went unspoken and unreported. CNN wasn't telling her anything she hadn't heard or seen before. Neither were the You tubers with their amateur videos and amateur reporting. It's too late...she thought...for almost everything.
"Whatcha thinking about? You've been quiet today." Jay told her taking a seat next to her.
"CNN was discussing what's coming again." She replied.
"You worried?"
"No." She answered the truth. "I am not." She felt his hand beneath the throw blanket on her leg. "Should I be?" She asked as she moved her legs and sat indian style allowing his hand to move to her crotch. Her light sundress lifted by his hand and he moved the seam of her panties aside, dipping his long fingers into her. Was she going to start the end of the world in a sundress and a pair of white underwear? She wondered.
"I wouldn't worry. Not if I was you, no." He answered her.
"There's not a lot of time left, you know, for a normal life or a normal anything." She commented as she relaxed her body back on the sofa.
"I know. But what's normal?" He asked as his fingers rubbed over her and around her and inside of her. Normal...being fingered by Jay while their oblivious little sister watched Disney channel a couple feet away. This turned into another grope fest, albeit toned down because of their company, which Jay didn't cease as Tavin and Tarin came on from the park.
"What has got into you two?" He asked as he started changing Tarin's diaper. "Have you even taken a break since you got home last night?"
"Sure, for a few minutes." Julia answered, taking Jay's hand from her underwear for the third time. She held him still. "You are very friendly today." Julia said quietly, glancing to her left at him. "I think it's the connection."
"Nope." He smiled. "It's cause you're here and you're letting me."
"Ah, simple as that?" Julia asked, squeezing his hand.
"So, we're in love today?" Tavin laughed at them. "Yesterday was a different day, huh?" He observed with a hint of sarcasm. He pulled Tarin to his feet. "Gotta potty train you." He mumbled, applying a pair of shorts over Tarin's little butt.
"No." They all heard rather clearly from his mouth.
"Yes."
"No." Tarin repeated.
"Boys can go pee anywhere they like." Julia told him as he crawled onto her lap. You can pee on all the trees you like. And bushes and rocks and walls and anywhere you please." She snuggled him against her. "Girls aren't so lucky." She added as he laid against her. "He tired?" She asked, leaning back against the sofa with him.
"Been running all day. Probably. Nap time."
"No." Tarin said again.
"Well, he's got one word down perfect." Julia mused, kissing his forehead. Tired he was as he popped a thumb in his mouth and sucked himself to sleep on her chest while they watched Disney channel. "He spends a lot of time outside, get him pissing on trees and stuff. That'll get him started." She said, shifting her body to lay with him. She fell asleep not long after him.
She was shaken awake hours later by Jay holding a cell out to her. "Jo." He said and he dropped the phone next to her.
"Hey," She mumbled half awake and half asleep into the cell.
"Take me back." He said half awake on his end of the phone.
"Huh?"
"To the roof. Take me back." He said, then he hung up on her.
Zombie slayer to zombie slayer, for sure. "I can't." She breathed into thin air. She set the phone down and then it buzzed next to her head. She answered the phone.
"Sorry, Julia. What did you want? Everything ok?" He asked like he'd never called and then hung up in the first place.
"Hmm, yeah. Just haven't talked to you. Miss me, do you?"
"Hmm, yeah." He mimicked her.
"How is Ariana Grande?" She yawned.
"Pretty." He answered. "So you wanted to hear my voice or something?"
"You could say that. I was bored, thought I would call."
"How's sobriety?"
"An epic fail." She replied. "I wanna drink so bad." She sighed, sitting up in the dark living room. "Are you getting out of the city soon, Jo?"
"Soon."
"I don't want you swarmed down there. It's going to be ugly."
"I can handle ugly, Julia."
"Can you just come home and leave it?"
"Did you when I asked? Come home and leave it?" He responded quickly. "You didn't consider it, even once."
"Good point. Tell Kevin I said hello, please."
"Yep, I'll-uh-let Chess tell him."
"Be safe, Jo."
"Always." He answered her. "You too. If anything happens, you take care of Tia." He asked of her. "Can you do that before you run away again, boss?"
"Oh, you're angry with me. What can I do about it?"
"Nothing."
"I'm sorry I hurt you."
"You didn't. You never hurt me. I miss you is all. I miss both your personalities, Julia. The one I love and the one I fell in love with. Either way, like the princess, I still got ya. I'll get over it."
"It was a dream, Mayers." She whispered.
"Best fucking dream I ever had." He chuckled. "I gotta go. I'll see you soon."
"Answer when I call, please."
"I will if I can. I can't explain it right now."
"Understood." She agreed. "Um, I won't do it again. Leave, I mean. It's selfish and it doesn't exactly make you guys trust me or anything I say or do. I know no one understands when I say no one understands."
"Ok, Julia. We'll talk when I see you."
Julia set the phone beside her and felt the tears coming on. She got up, found her cigarettes and went onto the patio to smoke where she found Jay sitting in the dark alone. "You ok?"
"Yeah. Jody's mad at me too. Geeze, I take one step forward and two steps back. Like can I do anything right, Jayson?"
"Sure, babe." He nodded, taking her hand.
"Everything I did there carries over to here. Just once I would like to leave the flip side on the flip side. Not have to explain it to anyone. Keep it to myself."
"Then don't explain it."
"You all were there like I was in one way or another, witnessing our own shit and creating our realities around what? A dream? A different level of consciousness? Jay, I am so tired of it. There aren't words."
"Then why are you crying? Over Jody?"
"No, because I went and hurt him on some level and can't do anything about it. What on earth was I thinking? I would never fall for Jo like that here. Our energy isn't right. It must have been the circumstances."
Jay listened to her quietly. He hadn't thought much about Julia and Jody and he didn't have any feelings one way or another in that regard. "I'm used to this." He said. "When you do stuff there, then it doesn't really count here."
"But I didn't do anything there that was bad. I didn't smoke or drink or go nuts. I realized pretty quick I didn't want anybody. Not that there were not good men there. I found the ones that were left, but no one would have taken me seriously if I slept with them. Besides, they thought I was gay what with the hair cut. I cut it myself and it was way too short. I think I was drunk actually."
"Eh, for a girl who has her best ideas drunk, that hair style wasn't one of them."
"You miss the long hair?"
"Yeah, it was sexy as fuck. What if I went and cut off all mine?"
"So, I wouldn't care." Julia reached over to him and pulled the hair tie from his tail, letting the hair hang loose over his back. "Want me to braid it?" She asked.
"I want rows. Can you do the rows?"
"Sure, Jay. You look so handsome with the rows. Takes a long time though. You staying up?"
"Sure, I'll stay up with you."
They went in the house and she gathered up hair clips and a comb. She sat him at the kitchen table and she went about sectioning off his hair and then braiding him row by row. Some things she had learned in Philadelphia she didn't mind doing. Kevin had always braided Hay's hair into long blond rows. He taught her how and then practice made perfect with not only Hayley, but Kevin and then Jayson and Tatia. Tatia didn't have the patience to sit long periods of time though. He had a full head of braids after a couple hours and each one was tied off at the base of his skull with small rubber bands. He looked in the mirror in the living room, then he returned to the kitchen with scissors. "Cut off the tails." He told her.
"Oh, Jay. I don't know. You might regret it and then-"
"Cut them off."
"It'll look stupid when the braids come out though, Jay."
"I'll go get it cut when I take them out then."
"You will not hold this against me when I am done." She poked his shoulder and he agreed.
She cut off the tails as he had asked. Then she took a razor and cleaned up the back of his neck of stray hairs and evened it out for him. She had a foot of hair in the trash can and a short braided boy sitting in front of her.
"Feels lighter, that's for sure." He commented as he moved his head around. "Feels weird."
"You can throw out all your accessories now." She smiled, brushing the hair off his bare shoulders. She stared at his rock tattoo, then looked at her own hand. "You won't need them anymore."
"Come to bed with me." He said, getting out of his seat.
"I just woke up."
"Come to bed with me." He repeated, turning off the light switch. "You don't have to sleep."
Julia sat in bed with his head in her lap. "Jay, where's my kindle?"
"You sold it." He answered her. "Use your phone and read." He suggested sleepily from her lap.
Julia waited as the phone downloaded her kindle app. "Julia."
"Yeah, Jayson."
"I love you."
"I love you too."
"How do we get married?"
"Um, file some paperwork and go to the courthouse like the day after and get married."
"That's all. Why'd you go to Maryland?"
"Cause that's where Amanda lived." She answered.
"Can we do that? Tomorrow? How much does it cost?"
"Not sure. I'd have to look." She replied, opening up her kindle app.
"Cause I have been saving my money now that I don't support my favorite drug addict."
"I have the money from the ring, too. Chess sold it on eBay for 2 grand. So I have a grand to play with."
"Why didn't you just pay to have the sleeve done then?"
"Why, when I got it for free?" She asked. A five minute fuck for a couple hundred dollars worth of work seemed an even trade. "Oh, what are you driving at? Like self respect or something?"
"Kinda."
"Kinda late in the game for that, I think." She paused. "You can have the money. Take the card when you need it, ok."
"I don't want it."
"I know, but you can. Let's blow it. The world's ending right?"
"Why didn't Chess keep the whole 2 grand? He goes on and on about the 15 grand."
She laughed. "That's what I said. But he split it with me like I should be trusted with a thousand dollars. But I am such a bore when I'm sober and I have nothing to do. Really. No fun at all."
"Please be boring. Julia. Be boring as ever, please. I need that for a little while."
"Sure, my Jay, I'll start tonight. I'll be boring right here with this book."
"Thanks."
Jay had her back awake early. He asked her to get up with him and go to the court house. Jay sucked at marriage proposals, but she dragged her body out of bed and put on another cute little sundress and flip flops. She gathered up the required identification and documentation and they drove off to the courthouse. They filed their paperwork, paid the fees and they left.
"Coffee, Jayson. You drove right past the store."
"We're getting coffee, Julia."
He drove past where they'd turn to go home. He also drove past two more places to get a cup of decent coffee. She was a little annoyed, but she kept it to herself and went along for the ride like she had a choice in the matter. She thought they should have got coffee before they went to the courthouse, but they would not have been allowed to take it inside anyway. So she waited. Jay pulled up to Mr G's shop and he got out of the car, leaving her wait for him in the August heat at the curb. When he came out of the shop, he got back in the car and he handed her the coffee.
"Colombian black. No cream or sugar."
"Oh, thanks Jay." She smiled, sipping Mr G's fresh brewed coffee. She hadn't had it in ages. Jay drove onward and instead of turning at the light, he drove down Green Street and he parked in front of her house. He got out of the car and he held her door open for her to get out as well. She set the coffee in the cup holder and they stood in front of her house. A noisy house, kids and televisions could be heard from the sidewalk. "Why are we home, Jayson?"
He took her to the gate and they stared at her house. "This is where I fell in love with Julia Fry. I have never stopped loving you. I never fell out of love with you." He told her as he turned her body to face him on the sidewalk. He walked backwards a few feet and stopped. "I think this is where I first kissed you, right?"
She laughed. "I believe, Jay." She nodded as he took both her hands in his.
"Julia, I want to make you Mrs. Keller." He said.
It suddenly dawned on her why men got on their knee to ask for a woman's hand in marriage. He looked as if he were about to plead with her. His eyes, they looked so hopeful as he fumbled with a ring from his tee shirt pocket. He slid the ring on her finger and he asked her formally.
"Julia, will you marry me please?"
"Yes, Jayson." She answered. I already said yes like three times, Jayson..."Yes, Jay." She said, tugging his hands. She didn't like Jay on his knees in front of her. She looked at her ring. "It's so pretty, Jay." She was impressed that he'd put a little thought into the ring. It wasn't the typical diamond and band ring. The band itself like a circle of silver beads that held up a smaller circle of silver beads with a modest amethyst stone. She had seen this ring before, but couldn't name the place she had seen it.
They stood in front of Julia's childhood home and drank coffee from Mr G's like they belonged there. She listened to Jay talk about memories he had of her like they'd happened yesterday. Jay's brain was a vault of memories she had long forgotten. She hadn't had to think about their past, their beginning in a long time. One cup of coffee opened it all up for him.
"That's the first true smile I have seen in a long time." He nudged her with his shoulder as they leaned against the car.
"Yeah, I feel it to. Like I'm smiling on the inside, Jay."
