CHAPTER SIXTEEN-REWIND

Julia woke. Every muscle and bone in her body ached something fierce. Her stomach churned. That incessant beeping had to stop. It reminded her and took her brain back to a place she didn't want to go, a couple places in fact. The beep ticked along with her heart rate and on the screen as her eyes came into focus, she spied her life's rhythm in bright green as it rose and fell in spikes across the monitor. A pulse ox monitor was taped over the end of her finger and nail. She looked at her numbers as the blood pressure cuff had squeezed and released her arm. Soft wrist restraints kept her hands away from her leads, oxygen tubing and the IV that had been placed in her forearm.

"Fuck." She whispered. Her pressure was normal, so was her heart rate and her oxygen level. "Who tied me up?" She asked as she watched with tear filled eyes the hospital staff pass her curtained sick bay. Her head started spinning and her eyes closed a moment. She heard a baby crying and she startled back to alertness. Two curtains down, a crying baby. Houdini she was not, but she tried to get out of the restraints. Restraints. Unsuccessfully at that, she gave up and laid back quiet and still. She hadn't tried to kill herself. What the hell happened?

"Are you out of your mind?" He asked as he slipped behind the curtain.

Another lecture from the addict. Great.

"What happened?"

"They found you down at the park, Julia."

"Park. What park?" She asked. She had no recollection. She was at home last she recalled...it was fuzzy though, sitting at a counter talking to Jayson about Care.

"At least you didn't have a needle in your arm this time." He said as she pulled her wrists up and showed him the restraints. "Ready to clean up yet? Go to rehab?"

"No, I am not an addict." She resisted that idea. "I was talking to Jayson. That's the last thing I remember. I was sitting at the counter in the kitchen talking to Jay about-"

"Red, you haven't been home in weeks."

"Seems like it."

"Get your shit together. What were you doing in the park?"

"I don't know."

"Do you even know what your blood alcohol level was?"

"No." She shook her head. "I wanna leave. Am I in trouble or anything? I don't see any cops. I have every right to leave, right. AMA. Where's my nurse?"

Tavin went for the nurse and she released Julia's restraints and handed her paperwork to sign. The nurse was busy with real patients, Tavin had her the nurse say not too long ago. Being in the medical field, he could sympathize with that statement, so he let it slide as he watched Julia slide from the gurney onto her bare feet. The cold tile floor was a shock to her system. She looked beneath the gurney and pulled out her patient bag. She rummaged through it and put her hand in the pocket of her jacket. She pulled out near shredded clothes. "What happened to my clothes?" She moaned, growing annoyed at this situation.

"Don't run. Not again. Julia, can you face this please? Deal with it?"

Within an hour of waking, she walked out of the hospital a free girl, wearing a green scrub suit that was given to her by the nurse. Tavin at her side, he walked her to the car. "Come home, get cleaned up. Eat something. See the kids. Think about rehab or a meeting. I'll go with you."

"How did you know I was here, Tav?" She asked.

"Carmen called me, Julia." He answered. "You are going to die if you keep living like this."

"Ok. Thanks." She replied as she left him at the car. He held open the car door and gave her a push inside it. "Hey, Tav. Gimme a smoke." He handed off a cigarette and slammed the car door shut on her. He made a phone call before getting in the car. Julia sat indian style in the seat, pulling the seat belt around her, securing herself in the seat. Tavin took her home, made her something to eat, and he talked. He talked to her whether she liked the sound of his voice and what he had to say or not. Even when she told him to shut up, he insisted on talking. "And you look like shit, too."

She felt like the shit he talked about. Pale, thin, weak. He had to help her walk any distance. "I'm fine." She said, picking at her food. He told her to eat as he sat with her and ate right alongside her.

"Or else what? Gonna call my husband?" She sounded like a smart ass and pushed away the plate. If she ate, she'd vomit.

"I already have." He answered as she tried to stand on her weak legs. She held the table and she stretched them out, gathered her balance.

"I'm sorry, Tavin."

"I know. I understand." He stood along with her and he helped her upstairs. He ran a bath for her and he helped her out of her clothes. He let her hold onto his arm while she got in the tub, and then helped her sit down. She soaked up the warm water, washed off however many days dirt and grime. She washed her hair while Tavin found a cami and a pair of shorts for her.

"Why are you doing this, Tavin?"

"Cause I know this isn't you. It's your addiction. I had no one do this for me. No one helped me."

"I hate to tell you this, but you're wasting your time on me."

He took her hands, pulled her to her feet and out of the bath tub.

"Maybe." He admitted. "Maybe, but I love ya, stupid." He wrapped her in a towel and she started rubbing the water droplets off her as he wrung out her hair in another towel. "I love spending my day off helping the less fortunate." He smiled as she wrapped the towel around her and tucked it in place over her chest. He ran a finger over her bare arm, over tiny puncture marks that looked healing and old. "When is enough-enough, Julia?" She folded her arms, pulling back from his touch. "I'm trying here, Julia. I'm trying to tell you that there's still time to do the right thing here. Something different."

He said, pulling her clothes off the counter.

"K."

"I have been here. Exactly where you stand." He pulled the cami over her head and she smoothed it over chest and belly. He held the shorts open, crouching in front of her. "Come on. Feet."

She stepped into her shorts. "While you're down there..." She giggled, but Tavin wasn't amused. "Sorry. Old habits."

"Yeah, go to sleep." He said, taking her to the nearest bedroom. "I'll wake you later."

"See your girl?"

"Yep."

"Talk to her?"

"Nope." Jay answered pulling a joint from the bag he took outside.

"Jay, not now."

"I don't have a drug problem, brother. She does." Jay looked shaken, knowing she was upstairs, and having that be the first thing he'd been hit with as soon as he walked in from school. "Why did you bring her here?"

"We're her family, that's why."

Jay put the joint back in his bag and zipped it. He tucked it in his school bag and set it on the floor in the laundry room before he went upstairs. He climbed the flight of stairs and he went to see Julia. Convenient, Tav stuck her in his bed. He hadn't seen her in weeks and was God knows where with God knows who doing God knows what. He took hold of her arm and gently extended it. Small and healing punctures dotted her arm.

"Jules, wake up." He said, calling her name loud enough so she'd hear him, but not so loud he'd scare her. "Julia, don't you dare start crying." He warned her as she came to life. "Why are you here?"

"Tavin brought me." She answered, rolling onto her back. She stared at the ceiling.

"You're among the living." He observed as she cried. He had that way of doing that to her and she had that way of making him feel something for her. "How long you staying?" He sighed, taking her hand. "Long enough to fuck shit up and leave?" He asked. "What do you want? Money?"

"No. I don't. I-Tavin brought me here." She cried.

"Why did you call him?"

"I didn't." She sat up straight, her head dizzy. Her body ached. "Carmen did."

"Carmen needs to stop." He said to her. "You sharing needles?" He asked, pulling her arm away from her body and turning it so she could see the bruised areas as well as he could.

"No. I have my insulin needles. I filled the scripts." She denied that and it was the truth. "I wouldn't. Jay,"

"Don't tell me what you would or wouldn't do." Jay had tired of hearing it.

"OK, Jayson."

"Why are you here?"

"Jay, Tavin brought me."

"Why did you let him instead of taking you somewhere else?" He asked. "This hurts me when you-"

"I'm tired. I am tired. I was hungry. I was-"

"All your own fault."

"Dirty." She finished her statement, avoiding eye contact. "I didn't mean to cause you any problems, Jay."

"Outta money yet?" He asked. Julia was quiet. "Are you out of money yet?" She didn't answer him.

"Jesus Christ, Jules."

"How's this semester at school, Jayson? You didn't have a problem spending my money on that did you?"

"It was till the student loan came through and you wouldn't take it back." He paused.

"But you got the money, though, right?"

"Yeah, Julia. You want it don't you?"

"No, Jayson." She shook her head. But she did want it.

"Good, cause I used it for bail. I used it buying all my own fucking shit back and your fuckin ring. Lucky the charges were dropped."

"Lucky." She hung her head and looked at her hands, Jay's hand holding hers. "Strange where the universe places my luck." She felt a lecture coming on. "I'm sorry, Jay. I would never have taken those things if I couldn't-"

"Stop it." He told her. "They don't know. I never told them."

She hugged him tight. "Thanks, Jay. I'm sorry. I'll do better. I'll try to."

He wanted to believe her. He was praying he wasn't fooling himself and that she would come around, be his Julia again. The days he was lucky enough to see her or hear her voice, he didn't recognize the girl he loved. Those days he felt happy that she had lived to see another day and that she wasn't following their daughter into a grave. The first couple months after Caroline's birth and death, they all put in time making her know that she was loved and that she would be alright, but for Julia nothing was alright. She was prescribed narcs for an infection after giving birth to Caroline. She had started drinking, at first mixing pain killers with alcohol. When that ran out, she kept drinking and slipping into this void that no one else could fill. He always said he would take care of her and eventually that had crossed from taking care to having her take advantage of him.

She left around Thanksgiving, returned a couple weeks and she disappeared altogether at Christmas time. She entered and left their lives sporadically for months, though thoughts of her lingered and her place in their hearts and home had never been truly erased. She'd been hospitalized a couple times for overdose and then released before they could get there or before anyone could talk any sense into her. Each time she left them, she stayed gone for longer periods of time. Each time they mentioned her name less. Each time they would start to breath again and feel some level of normalcy. As soon as normal felt good, then she would reappear.

Julia's activity on a couple occasions had been taken care of through favors thanks to Cal's ties with law enforcement. She never had done anything serious, so public drunkenness, disorderly conduct charges were avoided when the cop called Cal first to come get her and then the second time she was let go for the exact same thing, but the assault charges stuck and then were dismissed. No one knew about the assault charge as it was in a different county. Jay bailed her out of that. Charges were dismissed when the victim didn't show for court and instead dropped the charges. Jay had a feeling Chess had intervened.

When she hugged him, he didn't let her go. Having her warm and alive and in his arms wiped away all the damage she had done. It always did. The time she stayed would be miserable and would make him miserable as a result. Each time he had hope this would be the time that she didn't fuck up again. That she wouldn't walk out the door again. If he held onto her long enough, he thought in some strange way that she wouldn't leave him. If he held onto her long enough, he could pretend none of it ever happened. Till he felt her smaller than usual body against him. Till he looked at her face and saw her sadness, that almost a year later she still suffered the same loss and the same pain.

"I love you, babe." He was never strong enough to tell her leave and he was never strong enough to let her leave when she actually agreed to go. If he held onto her, she would be sober for five minutes, be able to think with a clear mind, and he hoped when she did have that clear mind, she would make a decision to change.

"I love you, Jay."

Why did Tavin have to bring her home? He constantly went back and forth between loving and hating her, wondering why he let himself be affected by her, why he held onto her so tight. He didn't hate her, he hated her addiction and the poor choices she made.

"I'm sorry I let Tavin bring me home."

"I only want you to be ok, Julia."

"Jay, I wish I could explain this, put this into words you will understand."

"Try."

"No one can help me, Jay. I want to die."

"Don't say that."

"How do you do it? How do you wake up everyday and go on with life and all?"

"I just do."

"Explain it to me." She said, crying on his shoulder as he held her. She laid back and pulled him with her. His head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat.

"I can't explain it."

"I can't explain me any better than you can explain you. We all have shit we can't explain. Shit that just is, Jayson." Julia relaxed beneath the weight of the top half of his body. He felt so comfortable and so warm and she could pretend, even if for a moment that nothing had happened and they were both two normal people, a boy and a girl who loved each other for a very long time. Jay didn't need to explain what kept him going, moving with one foot in front of the other. He'd been telling her for years. Every time he saw her or held her or talked with her, took care of her or rescued her from one thing or another, he told her.

Julia slid from beneath him, moving over on the bed, leaving him go. Julia didn't want to get any closer than they already had. She didn't want him getting sentimental and she didn't want to be too comfortable. His hand slid over her belly and he caught her waist. "You usually wait till I'm asleep to leave me."

"I'm not-I-" He kissed her. "Jayson, don't." She whispered as he moved onto her.

"Babe, do I need a condom?" He moved his hand over her to the table beside his bed. "Answer me."

"Yes." She replied, holding his waist. "You should." She let him lift her and pull off her shorts, exposing her and making her feel worse than she already felt. Jay doubted her and with good reason, she believed because she doubted herself too. Was she completely safe outside the confines of Jay's bedroom? No. "Jay, you need a girlfriend, baby." She said, hoping that he'd heed that suggestion.

"I have a girlfriend, Julia." He said, pushing his shorts over his hips. He got on his knees and she watched him put on the condom. Jayson was the only one who made her feel like a whore as he laid on her, penetrated her. Julia waited it out, holding his shoulders, trying to avoid enjoying the sensation between her legs as he moved inside her.

"Move for me, baby." He said in her ear. Julia relaxed beneath him, moved her hips like he liked, catching Jay's rhythm. Sex was the last thing she felt like doing at the time. She just wanted it to be over. He told her the I love you's and I miss you's and the you feel so good's at all the right times, but she felt used as she pulled on her shorts and curled up under a blanket. She wanted to curl into a ball and go to sleep. No people. No food. No speaking. No moving. Curl up and sleep, which she did when Jayson was finished. Life was a whole lot simpler passed out or asleep or high. No problems and no worries.

"Gonna come eat with us, babe?"

She shook her head, crying again. "Nah, I'm sleepy, Jay."

Jay left her sleep. She always passed out for a couple days when she visited them. Her appetite would return and she'd gain a few pounds, start filling in around the edges and plumping up in the face, regain some color and some energy. Then something would remind her or set her off and she'd disappear and start the craziness all over again.

Jay took what cash he had and the one credit card he owned and shoved them in his pocket along with her ring. If he wanted to keep his money and not have the ring sold again, then he'd have to hide them. It was harder to hide an Xbox and the rest of their stuff she could pawn, but the cash and cards he'd hide. He dropped downstairs, did homework with Tatia and then started laundry while Tavin watched TV with Tarin. Jay looked around the kitchen for a decent spot to hide the money. Opted on an empty cookie jar.

"What are you doing?" Tavin asked him from the floor that was covered with toys on a blanket.

"Hiding my money, Tavin."

He didn't need to ask why, because that was self explanatory. "Jay, put it in your bag and lock the bag in the trunk. She won't take the car." He hated seeing his brother do this ritual. He'd done it a few times when he had slipped up and hiding spaces were well established.

"Good idea." Jay mumbled, making a mental note to do that before he went to bed. 

"Jay, yo, I gotta go out later. You mind watching him when he goes down?"

"No." He answered.

"No, you don't wanna or no, you don't mind."

"I don't mind. I'm already babysitting the junkie." He replied. Plus Tatia. What was one more kid? "Where are you going?"

"Carm left her husband." He answered.

"Hospital Carmen."

"Yes, my Carmen. Told her whenever she was ready to start going out again to let me know."

"And she's ready?"

"I guess so. Her ex has the kids, so yeah. She asked me, when I saw her at the hospital today."

"Have fun with her." Jay told him as he bagged up his school work. He placed his money and his card and her ring inside the front pocket of his bag.

"She's beautiful, Jayson." Tavin added. "Well, a little chubby maybe, but she had 3 kids. I don't care."

"Ok, Tav."

"People look different when they're not in those nurse uniforms. In regular clothes, women are-"

"Don't have to explain it to me. She's pretty, I guess."

"I still see her like I did when we were 14. You of all people know what that's like."

"What's that mean?"

"14 is sleeping in your bed. That's what I mean."

"14 wouldn't be if you didn't drag her home."

"What do you want me to do with her, Jay? If she gets here and we can talk to her, then maybe..."

"Maybe what? I start getting over her and she comes back."

"Are you ready to stop answering the phone? Is that what you're saying? You are ready to give up?"

Jay thought about it. It had been nearly a year already. A few months shy of a year. "Jay, say it then. I won't go when Carmen calls me. It's up to you." Tavin started cleaning up the toys, he and Tarin tossing them into the bin by the counter. "Jay, it's hard letting them go, but when they wanna go..."

"Kelly didn't wanna die, Kell wants to see other people."

"Kell wants to F other people." Tavin watched his language for his one year old, which was difficult sometimes for Tavin who always used colorful language.

"Like you do."

"This ain't about Kelly. Kelly's not sick. Julia is."

"She's sick by choice."

"No she isn't. I explained that to you."

Jayson didn't want to start this argument with his recovering addict brother. Jay was growing tired of addicts. Mother, brother, girlfriend.

"Jay, look, brother, it's a decision you have to make. I will agree with it. You make it and you can't go back on it. Once she is gone, she needs to stay that way. Is that something you can live with?"

"Can you?"

"Jay, I can see her and help her out there. It's a risk bringing her here. She's using. Kelly would f'ing rip my head off for it. But I know she's still in there. I know the potential she has. I love her too. Are you ready to give up?" Tavin asked as he took Tarin's hand and ushered him to the steps.  "Can you go up there, tell her to leave and live with it?"

"When?"

"Up to you, but she needs to know that you won't be involved anymore. Be honest with her. And don't sleep with her. It'll mess with your head and hers."

"I miss her."

"Jesus, Jay. You can't F her one minute and say 'go away I never wanna see you again' the next minute." He seemed annoyed. "That ends too, when you tell her bye."

"I love her."

"I understand that. She's an IV drug user, Jay. She-" He looked at Tarin. "You know what she does to pay for drugs, Jay. Be smart here."

"I know. I am. I-"

"Decide, Jay. I'll support you whatever you want to do."

Jay hadn't seen Tatia in a bit and as he tread upstairs after having locked up his belongings in the trunk of the car, he found her in his room with Julia. They were on the bed watching Netflix like nothing had ever happened. He watched them from the doorway and thought it was ironic how Julia had always complained about Karen and what role that addict would play in Tatia's life. He thought back on his youth, his childhood. The affect his own mom had on him and Alex. Tavin as well, having taken the exact route that Karen had. Was Tatia in for the same exact thing? Where was Alex? With his own Julia because he didn't want to be around the one who sat with Tatia. Alex had the most sense when it came to Jules. Hadn't spoken to her or interacted with her since she started using. He had been the first to give the ultimatum months ago, said he learned it from Jay and eventually the time would come to bury her or forgive her or both. Alex didn't want any part of it and he certainly didn't want to witness it.

When the movie ended, Jay took Tatia from his room and he made her go to bed.

"Hey, Julia." Jay said as he returned to his room. "Um, we need to talk." He went to the closet and he pulled out a bag that had some clothes in it. He'd put that bag together for her to take with her next time she left. He always had one ready. He set it on the bed next to her. "I don't wanna do this with you anymore. I don't want to see you, talk to you or have anything to do with you anymore. I hope you can find the help you need. It can't be from me and it can't be here in this house with my family."

Julia took the bag and got off his bed. He figured her reaction could go several different ways, but being sober, she chose to take the mature route. She nearly spoke to him, nearly argued. He hadn't said or felt any of that inside her earlier. She understood that too. She took the bag and she stuck flip flops on her feet and she walked out of their house. He heard the front door close behind her and he didn't follow her or try to explain, but he wanted to.

"She leave, Jay?" Tavin asked, looking down the hall at him in his room.

"Yeah."

"You alright, Jay?"

"No." He answered.

"Want me to stay home? I'll call Carmen. I think she'll understand."

"No." Jay closed his door and he broke down, crying over a girl, the same girl...until an hour later when his cell rang. He answered it, "Ade, what's up?" He asked, trying to sound clear and normal as opposed to sad and miserable.

"I hear Julia was home." Adrienne sounded pissed.

"She was for a little while. Tavin brought her home and I told her to leave."

"Before or after you fucked the little whore, Jay? You been fucking her the whole time I was with you?"

The bitch called Adrienne. She went through his phone. Julia called Adrienne. The whole time? Not the entire time, because her rarely saw her. Had she been in bed with him during the 6 months he's been with Adrienne? Yes and Julia was not the only girl who he'd had in bed. He wasn't even sure till Ade called him if they were in a relationship. Ade was as wishy-washy as Julia and Stef and every other female he got himself tangled up with.

"She shoots drugs, Jay. Does she have anything?"

"No. " He was going to give her the excuses, she used the insulin syringes from the pregnancy. She used money, her money, his money, anyone else's money to buy. He didn't get the chance to make her feel any better because she cut him off. He also, deep down, had known the truth and didn't want to admit it to himself.

"I never wanna see you again." She hung up on him.

He texted her-I'm sorry. I used protection.

Jay deleted her number from his cell and set it on the bed.

She texted him-not every time, she told me. Not every time. You're an ass hole. I trusted you.

Not every time. One time. He spent a few days looking for her before her court date. He'd cleaned her up in that cheap motel. He had to make sure she got to the court date or he would never have got the 60% of his bail money back. After the charges were dropped, after he fed her, after she fucked him, Julia took the only money he had from him, she disappeared again.

Before he fell asleep, he got a call from Chess. Chess was pissed that he had made that decision. He had clearly expressed to Tavin to hold her till he or Jody could get free enough to get her and take her.

"Take her where, Chess?" Jay asked.

"I got her a bed, Jay and they'll hold her as long as she needs."

"Against her will?"

"As long as I can pay their fucking bill, then yeah, they'll fucking hold her. She's irrational, suicidal, that's a 72 hour hold and a shrink signs off on it."

"I didn't know."

"I understand why you did it, and I don't understand why you did it."

"You're not here. You don't know what I have to go through with her. Tavin said it's up to her, not us."

"Dammit, brother. It is not up to her." Chess yelled through the cell. "Where did she go? She say?"

"No."

"Tav know?"

"No. Don't bother him either. He's out with Carmen."

"Carmen from the hospital? He's a chubby chaser now."

"Tonight he is."

"If you hear from her or see her let me know. I don't care if you have to sit on top of her till I get there, you fucking do it. Jay, do you know how long it took for me to find someone willing to take a bribe for a bed, Jay? 15 grand it cost to put this in motion? 15 thousand dollars, Jayson."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Fuck." Chess cussed in his ear. "It's ok. Jay, it's ok." Jay started crying again and Chess changed his tone. "Jay, sorry. Can you find her? I got 24 hours to get her there. They're holding the bed."

"Why is this so important to you? Can't you just leave her go?"

"She's gonna get her face eaten off if she's high in a couple months, Jay."

"That's a life changing moment that she needs, Chess."

"She doesn't deserve to die at her own hands or at a zom's, Jay. What good is she high? How can we use her if she's high? We needed to do this yesterday."

"I didn't know."

"Go find the bitch, Jayson."

"I can't just leave. I have Tarin and Tia."

"Who does she hang with then? Where does she go?"

"I don't know."

"I have 24 hours before I lose a fuck ton of cash."

"Cash."

"Yes, money. Thousands of dollars. I would rather have the bitch detox with professionals and good drugs than go through detox with nothing. I can control the amount of time she spends in rehab. I cannot control what she does outside of one."

"Know what?" Jay said finally. "Leave her crawl to the fucking fence and beg to get in."

"This is not the time to grow some balls and self respect, Jay."

Chess woke early as usual. His 4am internal clock sounded and he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat up. He sat a moment, thinking about his day and where to start. He rose from the bed and walked to the window that had curtains covering him from the outside world. He didn't want or need them or even like them. He moved the curtain and looked outside.

The streetlight shined over a dirty street. His feet stood firmly planted in his two bedroom apartment in Maryland. Chess padded across the room and he rifled through his clothes. He pulled the cell from his jeans pocket and he looked at the date and the time. "Perfect. This is fuckin perfect." He laughed as he plugged his charger into the cell. At least 100 notifications and none of them was promising. The one message or notification he always hoped for, he never received. Nothing from Jayson either.

He opened the bedroom door and crossed to Ben's. "Yo, Ben."

Ben was mad at him when he woke him and not for waking him, but having been MIA. "What time did you get in?" Ben asked him, moving over, making room.

"Late." Chess pulled off his shirt and stripped off his shorts. He lay in front of him in bed, the warm spot where Ben's body had been welcomed him more than his friend.

"You still smell like her." Ben complained. So soft and hurt. Ben and his pissy mood. He had explained this to Ben a hundred times and Ben kept thinking he would or could change him.

"I'm here with you now."

"What does she do that-"

"Don't ask that question, Ben." He replied before he could finish that ridiculous question. Ben's personality switch from in bed to out of bed always dumbfounded him. He never pretended to be straight, but he always seemed more gay when he lay against him. Emotional, jealous, possessive of someone he could not completely have. He placed his hand on Ben's head, feeling the soft locks of strawberry blond hair between his fingertips. He guided his face to his, kissing his forehead, his cheek, his mouth.

"I can't do this anymore."

"Why'd you let me in bed?" Chess asked him as he moved his hand over his face to his shoulder and further down to the small of his back. "If you can't do this anymore." Only thing worse than a crying female was a crying male. He knew he was hurting Ben's feelings. He had never taken Ben's feelings into consideration. If there was one thing he had learned from Julia over the course of the last year, it was to be considerate. "I love you." Chess said. He pressed his lips against Ben's and he got out of his boyfriend's bed.

"Chess."

"Leave it in here, Ben. I won't do this to you anymore."

Chess walked back to his room, leaving his clothes on the floor in Ben's room. Do I really smell like her? Chess asked as he sniffed himself. He turned on the TV in the living room and watched ABC news a while. ER's are filling up. He picked up his cell, opened the contacts list and he hit send on the name he knew wouldn't want to hear his voice. "Hey, Cook."

"It's too early for this, Morgan. Miss me?" She grumbled, having just woken up. He heard her moving around on her bed, probably looking at her clock.

"Never too early, Cook. Always." He answered with a sly grin. "Look, it's time to start thinking about your way out."

She said nothing at first, letting that sink in so early in the morning. "You are crazy."

"Seen the news yet? I have notifications from every news organization on my phone screen. What do you think?"

"We can get a handle on this. We have people across the nation getting ready for this."

"I too am ready for this. You know where to go if you have no options. Stay safe and no heels, shorty."

He heard her laugh at the shorty calling her shorty. "No heels. I'll stay casual."

"Stay armed. Carry at all times. We talked about this." He listened as she digested what he was saying to her. "I know I break your heart every time we're together, baby. I don't mean to. I love ya, Cook."

Chess ended the call and moved on. Two for two and he was starting to feel slighted, but he did the right thing there with both of them.

It had been a long fucking year, undeniably torturous. He was beginning to think he was the only one who had any faith at all that she still had a purpose. She still could find meaning and value in life. Soon it wouldn't matter. In a couple months time the shit would all be over and then she would have to get it together or she would be lost out there. He knew what she could do, what she could be and down to the core of her, what was possible for her. He listened to her stories, knew their history as he had lived it and their future as he'd been told it by both her and Jody. He was beginning to think he was the only person left who did believe in anything.

Chess moved to his closet and he opened the door, revealing stacked black bags. He reached onto the shelf and he pulled off a notebook. Chess took the bags out one by one and he loaded them up near the apartment door to move to storage. If he had learned anything from wifey, it was a great sense of preparedness. Now, all he had to do was find her. He used the cell in his hand and he dialed the number on the off chance she would answer. He wound up in voicemail. Damn, woman...he thought. He tossed around the idea of dialing up Macy, but she was not up this early. There was no way in the world that she would entertain his thoughts at 5 in the morning. Most mornings he felt like he was the only person awake and walking the earth. Did anyone rise before the sun anymore? Even Ben who had to be on base in an hour had yet to rise.

He made one final phone call as he descended the three flights of stairs to the sidewalk. "Mayers, how's things up Philly way?"

"Getting real tired of this shit, Morgan."

"I'm about to head up home. See you this weekend."

"Am I tying up loose ends?"

"Not yet. I wanna be there for those loose ends, Jo."

"Why you calling me, then?"

"No one else is up this fuckin early." Chess complained.

He secured the bags in the rear of the truck, stopped for coffee and a breakfast sandwich. While he ate in the truck he called Jesslyn. "Hey, how are you feeling?"

"Like crap." She answered. "You coming to see me, daddy?"

"I am. I need the key to storage. Did you buy the formula and the stuff for the baby like I asked?"

"Yes, Chess. Mom found some bargains and I have money left." Money left. She was not supposed to have money left. She should have spent it like he asked on the supplies she would need, but Jess didn't know any better.

"I'll load it up and take it to storage. See you in 45, momma."

Jesslyn looked tired, answering the door in a long tee and bare legs. Since she found out she was pregnant she suffered morning sickness, her body adjusting to the hormones and the baby in her belly. He gave her a hug and held her tight a minute. A weekend with Jess and a lifetime of responsibility that he didn't need. This was not the best time to get pregnant or start a family, but he accepted it.

One conversation with Tavin about the girls and what life was like at the farmhouse got him thinking about Jess. He had said he would knock on her door, stand in front of her and make sure she was alright and see if she needed anything. Once they all jumped home for good and the dust settled around them, he went to her to check on her, asking that one question, how are you?, had opened up a can of worms. When he asked, the girl answered. At a time when his life became utterly out of control and unmanageable, unraveling like everyone else's, Jess made him focus on the bigger picture. He sat with her and instead of checking on her, the opposite happened, she checked on him. She gave him the idea that ended all the bullshit. The idea that brought them all back from the brink. The idea that saved their asses. If he ever needed some guidance and a friend, it had been then. No one was more surprised that it had been Jess that would be that friend with the guiding light. Her simple words made the most sense to him after all that had transpired.

He had been the one that sent Julia over the edge. Pissing off the wife was not in his best interests, but it had to be done. He produced a body and then produced hers, bringing her in and securing their way out of the insanity. He effectively secured his discharge in the process. Care was autopsied and Care was returned to them in one piece and then allowed to be cremated and buried as Julia had wished. She was so badly decomposed by the time that Chess had brought the two of them in, nothing could be done to Caroline, no experimentation and no testing and no torture. Julia had said, not my daughter, and she meant that. Julia detailed the events as they had happened from birth to Care's death due to prematurity and then taking her life when she turned. "Do with me what you want." She said. She didn't care anymore. Caroline died with dignity and without the lab and their experiments.

Rather than hiding, Chess went to her. He handed over his pistol to her and he told her to do as she pleased. Him. Her. Both of them or all of them. If it came down to it, she could do as she pleased. A little over the top for him, he believed, but it was a gamble. She removed the clip, set the gun aside with the clip next to it. "No more death, Chess. I will live with this." She walked away and he hadn't spoken to her since. At least not in person. When Julia got high, he saw her a few times, on the brink of death he believed in her dreams or his. Occasionally he had trouble deciphering what was real and what was not real. He had dreams of his own with a girl just like her who favored a younger Julia. One who had stories of her own and memories of a time that mirrored theirs in Philly. She was cute, wore no ring and loved him, taught him about being considerate of people's feelings and patience. The only person he ever had patience with and danced around feelings with had been Julia. A scar on her back and scarred claw marks on her arm, he could close his eyes and feel her against him, his voice telling her secrets.

"Where's the stuff, Jess? I'll load up the truck."

"Mom's." She answered when he let her go.

"Ok. You need anything?"

"No. I'm ok. Your change, Chess."

"How much is left, Jesslyn?"

"Like 50 bucks."

"Oh, well keep it. You need it more than I do. Did you get yourself anything?"

"No, I got the stuff on the list, Chess, like you asked. It's a little early don't you think?"

"No." He replied, holding her hand. He pulled her closer to him. He placed a hand on her flat stomach. 16 weeks pregnant with Layla Morgan or Chester Jr. Chester Morgan junior didn't sound quite right to him and he'd told her as much. "You graduate in like a week. Get your nails done or something."

"Nails, Chess. Get my nails done." She repeated with tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry." He wasn't sure why he was sorry either, but he wanted to be nice to her. Do this right with her. "I'm trying here, Jess. I wanna make sure we have what we need."

"What we, Chess? You don't even live near us and you're off doing you and I am here with my mom and who will watch her when I go to school and what-what am I gonna do?"

"I will figure it out. Don't worry. I will take care of you guys. I am not just buying stuff and walking away."

"That is what you're doing."

"You're barely even showing, Jess." He didn't want an argument. No more arguing. Talking, communicating. He had been attentive. He had been talking to her every day and when he was near home he stopped by. From the minute she called him crying with a positive home pregnancy test, he made Jess a part of his day as opposed to part of his week.

"From Maryland? From Philly? Half the time I don't know where you are and-"

"Jesslyn, I am right here. I am a phone call, a drive, a thought away." Worked with Julia, he hoped it would work with Jess. "I love you, Jesslyn. I have since I hooked up with that pretty little 14 year old, so quit your worrying, ok."

"I know. Me too. But-"

"But what?" He asked, holding her again. "I swear I will do the best I can to make sure you both are taken care of."

"Chess, you started talking to me again. You told me things. You made me feel like you wanted me again the whole time. It's why I let you..."

Damn it, he couldn't blame her for this sadness and confusion that he held in his arms, but playing the feelings card with Jesslyn had proven to be a dumb move to make. He should have known better, whispering the sweet nothings in her ear and zeroing in on a place inside her head that had reminiscing. "I don't regret a thing I said to you." He told her as he held her against him. "Did you want me to keep all that inside, keep it to myself?" She shook her head against his chest. "Want me to say them again?" He asked as she tightened her arms around his waist. He couldn't live up to everything he said to her that weekend, feelings he conveyed to her and should have said long before that time they spent in each other's arms. He took getting along with Jess to another level. He could have brought up the fact she lied about being on birth control, but he could have taken ten minutes out of his time to walk across the street to the convenience store and bought condoms, too.

"No, don't say it again. Act like you meant the things you said to me."

"I am. You don't think I am? What's up, Jesslyn? I'm here now. I came here first. I have ten other places to be and I am standing here with you."

"Go to the ten other places, Chess. Thanks for the baby stuff." She lifted her head and kissed his cheek. She left him go and head back in her house, closing the door on him.

Chess drove a few houses down and backed in his parents' driveway. He loaded baby stuff into the truck while his mother interrogated him like an FBI agent. "This is how I find out I'm gonna be a grandmother, Chester." He felt a stinging slap against the back of his head.

"Mommy," He whined, ducking the second slap. "Ouch, don't hit me, mom."

"Cover it up. All these years I have been telling you boys. You never trust a girl when she says she's on birth control."

"Congratulations, mom." He paused, snickering. "Grandma." He carried the boxes to the truck and set them in the truck bed with his bags from the closet.

"Are you sure this baby is yours?"

"Yes, mom. You know Jess. Why would she lie to me?"

Sandy folded her arms over her chest and glared at him. "Where are you taking all this shit, Chess?"

"Storage, mom."

"Why? Should it be at her house? It's a little early for all this stuff. You have enough baby formula for ten infants. This cost a lot of money. What is she doing other than -"

"Mom, stop it." He raised his voice and it didn't slow her down a minute as she rattled off a million different complaints to him. When she slowed enough to take a breath, he spoke up. Placing the last box in the truck bed, he closed the tail gate with a slam and he walked to his mom. "You raised me to take care of myself and take care of my responsibility, right? So, that's what I am doing. All Jesslyn will have to do is have a healthy baby. That's all I expect from her." He reached in his pocket for the keys and realized Jess had the storage key. "Did you talk to Jess, mom?"

"Yes, and Louann."

"Well?"

"They thought I knew."

"I'm sorry, mommy. I should have told you."

"Yes. Your dad is excited. I am not old enough to be a grandmom."

"You're right. I love you." He gave mom a warm hug and called her grandma one more time before he left to get the key off Jess. He walked around back and climbed the patio steps to the sliding door. He knocked before he slid the door open. "Jess, I need the key." He called as he stepped inside. "Jesslyn." He opened the fridge and helped himself to a cold water bottle from the bottom drawer of the fridge. He walked to the bottom of the stairs. "You have the storage key, Jess." He climbed the steps. She lay on her bed, beneath a throw and startled when he entered her room unannounced. 

"I thought you left. How'd you get in?"

"Patio door, Jess." He cleared his throat and spoke. "Storage key." She pointed at a single key that hung on a cup hook next to the mirror. "I asked you if you needed anything." He sighed, crossing her small room. He took the key and pocketed it with his own keys.

"Why would I ask you for that?"

"Cause you can. I never said I wouldn't. I only said you wouldn't be the only one. I would walk away feeling bad about it. So would you."

"At least you're honest."

"You know I'm right." He turned and walked away from her. He had things to take to storage. He had things to do outside the realm of Jesslyn. On the way to the storage lot, he drove through the square and parked outside Maverick florist. The storage lot could wait. Julia could wait. Jayson could wait. He stepped to the counter and he ordered flowers. "Women..." He mumbled as he slid cash across the counter to the lady who took the order for the roses.

"I love you from Chess on both cards, please."

"Deliver today."

"Yep."

"Sandra Morgan is grandma and Jesslyn Gilligan is mommy." He watched as the woman wrote down the addresses, both living across the street from each other, he hoped they wouldn't mix up the deliveries. Pink roses for Jess and Red roses for his mom. He nearly left the store and turned back. "I forgot a grandmother." This was getting expensive as he had an arrangement of sunflowers made up for Louann. They were Louann's favorite flower. In fact she had her entire bedroom decorated in sunflowers. "Louann Gilligan, grandma number two is at work, so deliver these to the elementary school. She's an office secretary there."

"You love her too, Mr Morgan." The lady asked as she held a card and a pen in her hand.

"I think so." He agreed although he hadn't ever really thought about it. "Love, Chess is fine."

"You're going to make three women very happy today."

"I hope so." He smiled. "Thanks." He left the store and hopped in his truck, driving out to the storage lot before it opened. He drove down the street behind it and parked in front of the house. The storage facility had bought out the houses on the block to expand their lot space and they were all empty and waiting on demolition. Chess meandered through the street like he belonged there and arrived five houses from where he'd parked. He gave the front door a try, opening into a smelly and dusty house. It was a mess. Old sleeping bags and trash littered the downstairs. Drug paraphernalia strewn about the floors. Spray paint on the walls leading up the steps. He went from bedroom to bedroom and it looked similar to the first floor. A few people startled when he found them in the largest upstairs bedroom. Drugged out of their minds. He scanned their faces. Not hers.

"Looking for a red head." Chess said as he kept a grip on his pistol at his back.

"Not here." A female, or at least what he believed to be a female, answered.

"Seen her around?"

"Try Gunny's on tenth."

Chess left the house the way he came and he pulled his cell out when he got in the truck. He had paid that iPhone bill every month specifically for this purpose. Whenever he dialed her iPhone, he went straight to voice mail, so he didn't bother. While he waited for storage to open up, he opened his iPhone account and he read through her most recent text messages, her most recent call list before he tracked her phone location. This option was a God send. He'd never used it before although he had been tempted from time to time, especially when he was drunk. The cell was practically in Tavin Keller's back yard. He dialed Jayson and told him to get over there. He didn't care if Jay had to beg or cry or just stand outside and wait, but he had to get there. Chess didn't feel like chasing this woman all day. He still had to drive to Philly for the drop off and...he pushed his future plans out of his head and focused on the light skinned kid opening the gates to the storage lot. He waved at Temp as he drove through to his storage area. He took his time in the storage garage, unloaded the bags and the baby stuff and then went to the office, paying Temple the rental fee. He secured another storage garage and then paid that for two months upfront. Another key on Jesslyn's ring, then he left and went to Gunny's on 10th. On the off chance that phone location was wrong, he still went there. He wanted to see Gun anyway.

"Chess, man, how the fuck are ya?" Gunny yelled over the counter at him. "A little early for ya. Getting more ink, man?"

"Not today. I'm looking for Julia."

"Ain't seen her in a minute."

"Gun, you were supposed to call me."

"She doesn't want me calling you, Chess."

"It was a long shot, heard she might be here."

"Nah, too early for her anyway. Last time I saw her I touched up that sleeve."

"K, man." Chess said. "I don't care what you do with her, Gun. You know she does what she wants." Gun stared at him a lot surprised by that statement. "Gun, if I was pissed I woulda fucked you up by now."

"It ain't like that. I known the girl for years. I do some of her sleeve and we drink together." He rummaged on his counter and he slid a picture across the counter. "Bad ass fuckin sleeve if I do say so myself." He grinned.

"Gun, man, you don't do sleeves like this for free." Chess said as he looked over the most recent picture of her zombie sleeve. He'd seen the original because Kell had drawn it. It was scarily life like in detail, running the length of Julia's right arm. The zombie king with his crown of thorns, nailed to a cross. Green Jesus, Kelly had called him. Long brown and dirty hair hung beneath the crown of thorns. Julia's version had zombie Jesus with brown dirty skin, not green, and had jagged cuts along his arms and legs. Below zombie Jesus, the legion of zombie followers worshipping at his feet ran the length of her arm. He slid the picture back across the counter. "Where does she hang?"

"I hang with her here."

"I'll be back this weekend. Make space for me and Jo."

"When? Day or night?"

"Sunday. Noon."

"Hanging around are ya?"

"Sunday, Gunny." Chess said, shaking his hand firmly.

"Yo, I'll call in my bud for that tribal shit Jo likes."

"You can put zombie Jesus on my back. Work on a larger version of it."

"Fuck, yeah, man. See you then."

Chess drove to McDonald's and had himself some lunch and while in the parking lot, Chess read through her texts a little more in depth than before. One thread of messages was confusing as hell. There was talk he didn't quite understand of some app he was unfamiliar with, so he opened up the app store and downloaded it on his phone. Chess created a profile, used a picture from the internet and he was up and running. The PL, player's line, was a dating app. A legit dating app, but as with everything legit there was a seedier side laying just below the surface. Julia didn't date. He knew that she didn't need an app on her phone to find dick. Julia didn't sign onto dating apps looking for love and affection and attention or dates and hand holding. She could get that with his cousin. She could find that anywhere if she was sober and happy and looking. She was fishing. He scrolled through an extraordinary amount of female faces, received a handful of messages that he ignored. He rooted around in the app a few minutes and found a locals tab. In the long line of female faces, he found that round and cherubic face, those blue-green eyes. He held off on messaging her. He didn't want to have to do that unless he couldn't find her.

As he finished up his lunch, he got a text from Jay saying he took her back home.

"Want anything from McDonald's?" Chess texted him. "Does she?"

Jay wanted a salad and Julia said the usual. For someone who didn't like to eat much and always complained about a poor appetite, she could choke down 20 nuggets, a large fry and a humongous cup of red juice. When he got the order, he pulled off and he opened her red juice. He place the drug in it and then stirred it with the straw, secured the lid back in place and drove off to Jay. He was waiting for him when he got there and took the McDonald's bags from him.

"She ain't gonna wonder where this came from?"

"Tell her Tav dropped it off and do not drink any of her fuckin juice, Jayson." Chess warned him. "I'll wait."

"Wait for what?"

"You'll see."

An hour had passed. Jay texted him and said she was out cold. Julia loved her red juice, and it was more ice than juice just like she liked. Jay led him to the living room where Julia was passed out on the sofa with her box of half eaten nuggets.

"What was in the juice, Chess?" Jay asked as he removed the nuggets from her lap.

"I roofie'd her."

"Didn't expect you to drug her."

"Did you think she'd go willingly? Like I was gonna talk to her and beg her. No."

He ate a nugget from the box as he watched Chess scoop up the redhead in his arms and get her onto her feet. Sedated, she couldn't stay awake let alone walk. He got her outside and into the truck, strapped her in as Jay looked on from the doorway of the house. Four hours it had taken to find her, drug her and put her into a truck. She lay across the rear seat of his truck and she was high. She stayed high the 40 minute drive to the rehab, east into Delaware County. A lovely little rehab tucked off Baltimore Pike. He called ahead, they were expecting him and her. Late, yes, but he had her and he checked her in and she was high and had fresh needle marks on her arm. It took two more hours out of his day to get her admitted and provide a history on her. He gave them all the information they needed and before he left, she had started to come around. Gradually waking and then the staff familiarized her to her surroundings. "This gets you three days, Mr Morgan."

"It does and then over those three days she cannot sign herself out."

"Correct."

"She wants to die. She was mumbling that-"

"When I admitted her, yes." The psychiatrist replied. 5,000 dollars cash on the desk between them had the shrink recalling words she clearly had not said. "I will phone you. It's not a guarantee, of course, but it's early yet. I don't see this being a problem. Would you like to see her before you leave?"

"No. I think it would cause more problems. We haven't spoken in almost a year. Like I said, I want someone to help her."

Chess got in his truck and took a deep breath. He put the windows down, had a smoke, and looked at his cell. Three missed calls. Text messages from his mom and Jess. Louann didn't have his number, but Jess thanked him for the flowers for her mom.

-really sweet. thanks, Chess. Made me happy...Jess had texted him

-mommy too...I love you, Chess. Thanks. Mommy says thanks too...Jess texted him.

-you had these delivered to grandma! His mother texted him...

He dialed Jess's phone number and she answered. "Oh, my gosh, the flowers are so pretty. Thank you. Where are you anyway?" Her voice sounded so happy and high at that moment.

"Um," He looked around. "Delco. I'm on my way back, though. Gonna hang with the family this weekend."

"Oh, ok. Good. That's nice." She said.

"So, I'm on my way back. I wanna take this really pretty girl out to eat."

"Oh, I see." She sounded flat suddenly.

"I was thinking maybe the Mexican place in the square, but there's the new steakhouse over by the mall, too. I don't know which one."

"The steakhouse is supposed to be nice, Chess. Mommy said it was."

"Ok, then be ready. I'll get you in a couple hours. I need a shower and a fuckin joint."

"Me, Chess?"

"Yeah, you. I sent you flowers, so you kinda have to go. It would be rude not to."

"Oh, ok then. I wouldn't wanna be rude."

Chess hung around the lot for another twenty minutes before Jody got there. He didn't have the time, desire or energy to drive into Philly that afternoon. He handed Jody his last and final bag in the truck bed. They had a smoke and he updated Jo that Julia was tucked safe inside the rehab that was over their shoulders. Jody agreed it was a great idea. "About fucking time. Don't know why you let her get this far out of control."

"Not real happy with me at the time, Jo."

"Since when does it matter? She doesn't like you much right now either."

Chess drove back to Jayson's, leaving Jody with the bag to return to Philly. On his ride, he realized he spent most of his day in his truck. He pulled his bag out and helped himself to the house. Everyone was home, Tav was grilling on the patio while Tatia and Tarin played in the sand box in the yard. Hell was officially breaking loose as sand was being thrown by the baby and Tatia was yelling about it. Kelly pushed open the back door with beers in her hands and set them on the table.

Chess hugged her, asked if she was still single. "Wanna go out sometime? I swear I will be a gentleman, hold the doors, bring flowers. You know, all that romance shit you girls are into." He kissed her cheek quick before letting her go.

"Oh, I heard all about the romance shit." She said as they separated.

"Jess told you, huh?"

"Yeah." She giggled. "Pretty flowers, too." Kell picked up the cell and opened the text message. She showed the flowers to Tavin. "You never send me flowers, Tavin."

"I'm broke, Kell." He argued as he tossed chicken onto the grill. "You eating with us? 5$ a plate."

"No, I got a date." He replied. "But I will use the shower. I'm staying the weekend. Jody's coming home tomorrow."

"Basement's empty." Tavin offered. Chess looked over Kelly's shoulder and spied the roses he had sent to Jess. Pretty. Worth 75$, he wasn't sure. "You seeing Jess again?"

"Not necessarily. I don't see anyone in particular anymore, but I like Jess."

"Love Jess." Kelly smirked as she closed the picture message.

"Yeah. I love her too, but not love like in love or anything. You know." He shrugged. "Hey, Tav. Come inside a minute."

Tavin asked Kelly to watch the kids and followed Chess inside where he listened as he detailed his day. Alex was home and listened intently as he heard about him taking Julia to rehab.

"Well, I got her and she's in rehab." Chess felt like a weight was lifted off him. Tavin felt similar. At least if Julia was in rehab, then she was safe. She wasn't high. She wasn't at risk. She was mad, but they could rest easy one night, three nights or possibly longer without worrying about her. Chess climbed upstairs and head in the bathroom. He stripped off his clothes and walked around nude like he owned the place.

"Come on, Chess. Christ. Cover that thing up. We got kids here."

"It's the only thing I got going for me." Chess said as he carried a bathroom travel bag out of Jay's room. "Jealous?"

"Maybe. Dick's as big as you are." Tavin commented as Chess closed the bathroom door. "Not that skinny ass body though. Fuck you're so thin."

"Not by choice." He called as he started the water running. "She tell you Jess is pregnant."

"Yes. Congratulations, dad."

Chess showered, shaved, dressed casual in khaki's, a white tee and white van's. He smelled good, felt better after cleaning up. Before he left, he had a talk with Alex and explained this situation one more time. He understood Alex's point of view and he had a similar point of view. Neither had spoken to her or seen her in the last year. "Doesn't mean we don't care or love her anymore. Alex, you understand what I want to do for her."

"I do. She should want it herself though."

"Well, sometimes people need a push toward help. I hope it works."

"So do I."

He was at least considering seeing her when she got out of rehab, which was more than he had done that year. Considering she'd be living with them once out, Chess suggested he give forgiveness a try. "Been a bad year, kid."

As they sat to eat, Chess drove off to fetch Jess for dinner. She looked as adorable as ever. Short heels, a pretty white sundress. Her hair was down over her shoulders. She was excited. He had a feeling that he was about to lead her on and make her think that this relationship of theirs was more than it actually was. "Jess, you look so pretty." He told her, hugging her, pulling that body against his.

"Thanks." She blushed, taking hold of his hand. They walked with each other to the truck and he held the door for her. She wasn't used to a mature Chess. Maybe that was why she was attracted to him again.

"You're being really sweet, Chess. I don't mean to sound like I don't appreciate what you're doing."

"I'm trying, Jess."

He held the restaurant door open for her when they arrived. She stepped in ahead of him and they waited twenty minutes for a table. He stood behind her, her light body pressed back against him. She wouldn't leave go of his hand. She talked and talked and Chess thought about a well done steak, tuning her out. The girl was happy, too happy. This was precisely what he wanted to avoid. He wanted her happy, but not gushing and excited to see him. He wanted to be there, but he didn't want to make her think they would have any kind of relationship and expectations. She had matured over the last couple years, not as juvenile and needy and emotional as he remembered her. She was more than tolerable. He had changed as much as she had changed. He could honestly say that while he spent time with Jess, he focused only on Jess. His mind didn't necessarily wander off to anyone else. Not having anyone else was a blessing.

"Chess, it's nice having you home. You live so far away."

"Nah, it's over the state line. 45 minutes."

"That is far away."

Thank God. Hard to have any expectations of him while he lived a 45 minute car ride away. He didn't live across the street anymore and he had no desire to. In a couple months, maybe, if things were going the way they appeared to be going, then things would be drastically different. While they ate, Chess gave her a little run down on his morning and afternoon. He didn't go into as much detail with her as he had with Tavin, but he told her the truth. He danced around the truth with Jess. Not that she couldn't handle it, but it wasn't her burden to bear.

"Thank God she's alright." She said as he finished his story. "Chess, I talk with her all the time. I wish you had said something."

"You do."

"If you wanted to know where she was I could have saved you a lot of time."

"Where was she then?" He asked, testing her to see if she was right or not.

"4 streets over from Tavin's with Julio and Kyle. She stays there usually."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Cause you don't like talking about her. None of you do. You don't have to go out looking for her friends. Me and Kelly are her friends."

"You ever give her money?"

"No. She never asked. She had her own money, Chess, like you do from Philly."

"You know about Philly, too."

"Yes, but I think the money ran out."

"She know about the baby?"

"No." Jess shook her head. "I didn't feel comfortable telling her yet. It hasn't been a year yet and she talks about Care a lot. It's still a very touchy subject " Jess took a sip of her water. "Did you tell Jayson? He's gotta be going through it too."

"I haven't mentioned it to Jay, no."

"What if it was us?"

"I would be there and I would do it like Jay did it."

"I hope so, cause I wouldn't be able to-"

"I wouldn't expect you to."

"It's horrible, if you think about it."

"I know how horrible it is."  He did think about it. He regularly thought about it. Producing the body of a decomposing premature infant was not tops on his list of fun things to do. The fact he shared this scheme with Alex didn't help either. Considering he couldn't jump himself around the universe, Alex had been his guide through the darkness. Getting Julia back to the real world had been easy. She willingly went to her daughter. Dead or alive, she followed her daughter. He would spend the rest of his life making that up to her. It was no longer about a ring and vows they exchanged on a porch at the farmhouse. He was indebted. He caused all of this madness on the off chance that the craziness would subside. Once the dreams started, he lived in two different worlds. He believed that started when she began using on a regular basis. He spent his nights with a softer version of his beautiful wife, one with scars on her and a fever who relayed a story of a whole different infection and a vaccination on top of it. She was equally as strong and gutsy.

Chess paid for dinner and took his pretty baby momma home. He left her on her doorstep with a soft kiss and told her he loved her. "You need anything, you call."

"Chess, are you really leaving me?" She frowned.

"What would you like me to do? Is your mom gonna let me in there?"

She shook her head. "No." She replied in a whisper. "She won't."

"Please, you were so happy and you were so fine a few minutes ago. Jesslyn, what do you think is gonna come of this?" He asked that question and her bottom lip started to quiver and the tears formed in her eyes. Damn tears. Why did crying girls get to him lately? "I'm sorry, Jess." He said, taking her hand. "What do you want? I'll fucking do it."

"I-I-"

"Say it. Do you wanna be my girlfriend? I'll try, but I can't make promises and-"

"No." She whispered. "I'm-" She hesitated.

"What, Jess? Pregnant? I already know."

"Horny. Like the hormones and all and-"

"Where's your mom?" He asked, looking over her shoulder into the dark house.

"Her room."

"Well, where do you wanna do this? I can't take you over Jay's." Having her in the truck somehow didn't seem appropriate for the expectant mother.

"What? I don't wanna go to Jay's, Chess." She whispered, pulling him in her door. The downstairs was dark, but the upstairs was not. The TV was on in her mom's room.

"You home, Jesslyn?"

"Yes, mommy." She answered, shoving Chess on the sofa. She stood above him kicking off her short heels, pulling off her panties. She sat across his waist. She covered his lips with her finger. "Had a great steak. What a nice place." She said to her mom. She looked directly at him. "Shut up and fuck me, daddy." He pulled himself out for her and she lifted, already wet, she settled on him. "I have been thinking about this all day." She said in his ear as she held his shoulders, moving on him. He did as she asked, he shut up and Jess fucked him. She had an entire conversation with her mom while she rode him. His hands gripped her ass while she moved back and forth on his length till he came. "I love you, daddy." She cooed in is ear and then she sent him on his way.

"Ok, Jesslyn. I love you too." He said as he walked away from her house.

He returned to Tavin's, took a beer from the cooler next to Jayson. Before he left the house he had asked Tavin not to tell Jayson anything, that he would explain everything to Jayson in his own way.

"You took her there and she's ok?" Jay asked curiously.

"I did." Chess replied, taking a swig of beer. He lit a cigarette and smoked while he explained his entire afternoon to Jayson, then finished up with a happy and horny Jesslyn fucking him on her sofa while having a conversation with her mom.

"You spent that much money on flowers that you could have bought at the supermarket for pennies on the dollar." Jay told him, thinking about how broke he was.

He told him about the dating app, the guys on the text messages, and he'd gone through her iPhone as well. There were a few that he hadn't known about. Chess tossed his empty bottle in the recycle bin.

"Are we visiting these people in August?"

"Yep. List is getting longer and longer."

"Would she want that?"

"I fuckin want that. Jay, you don't know."

"I do know."

"I'm sorry. If you want me to stop telling you-"

"Nah, I think that the more I know, then maybe I will understand it better."

"Do you?"

"No, Chess. It only makes me wonder what goes through her head." He couldn't understand her. No matter how much he thought about her and went through everything in his head. Over and over, he couldn't figure out what to do for her. Was it only as simple as a means to an end? Every action had its purpose, can the ends ever justify the means? Was she on an endless search to feel good or to feel dead or as close to feeling nothing as she could possibly get?

"What goes through yours?" Chess asked him, because he couldn't understand Jayson's devotion any better than Jayson could understand Julia's addiction. Could it be as simple as someone loving another even if it puts the other at risk? Could it be as simple as hoping that the last time would be the last time or could he simply not see anyone else for him?

"I could ask the same question."

"I owe her. I explained this to you."

"You think you do. She won't even talk to you."

"Why weren't you mad?"

"Because you were right. She wasn't thinking clearly after Caroline died. She had a better shot here to deal with it. There, she wouldn't be able to."

"I think it backfired on me."

"No. None of us wanted to be there anyway. It would have been ok if it had been just me and her. Everyone else only made it crowded and crazy."

"I know." Chess said. "Jay, she saved our asses once and I wanted to do the same thing for her. We were not ready to live like that again."

"No one is ever ready to live like that. It's not something you can prepare for. Sure, all the supplies and the preparation gives us an advantage. We had shit and still had nothing. Breathing is not living, a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs is not living, it's surviving."

"We need her, Jayson."

"How long will they keep her and where is she going when she gets out? If what you say doesn't happen in a couple months, then what?"

"It's happening, Jay. It's all falling into place."

They heard activity in the house and a shadow cast over them from through the door. "Chess, I thought you said Julia was in rehab." Tavin said quietly as he stepped outside with them.

"She is." Chess replied, reaching into the cooler for another beer. "I took her there myself. I admitted her myself."

"You're 100% on that, boss?" Tavin asked.

"110% on that."

"Wanna bet?"

"I'd be willing to gamble the 15 grand it cost me to put her in a bed, yes."

"15 grand, damn. I thought you had insurance."

"Obama care doesn't get me a bed when I need one. Cash does. That fuckin shrink pocketed 5 grand, so it's a safe bet. Why?"

"She's on the couch watching Vampire Diaries. She said hello to me when I passed her."

The three of them stood and looked through the kitchen's screen door. The glow from the lap top illuminated the living room, but they couldn't see her for the counter that divided the kitchen from the living room. Chess pulled the door open and they filed into the kitchen. Chess looked over the counter and saw her face aglow in the screen of the lap top. She had on head phones, listening quietly to the show that played out on the screen. He rounded the counter, flipping on the light in the living room.

"Chess," She smiled as she pulled the headphones off. She pushed the blanket off her. "Chess, you're finally here." She said as she hopped off the sofa. He was hit with the body and scent of Julia Fry as she hugged him tight.