"What the fuck, Chess." Jayson complained.
"It's Julia Fry." His voice shook a bit. She was the last living person on earth he expected to see. Sure, a dream is one thing, but Julia Fry's presence would complicate everything. Pulling him into her world through sleep made walking away from her easy. He could separate one world from another easily.
"Chess, I'll take that 15 grand now." Tavin announced behind him.
"No, Jules is in rehab." He said over his shoulder. "This is Julia Fry." He explained. They all knew who she was. Introductions were not necessary. He went to her, considering he was the one she wanted. She stood there in that white nighty that he had Julia wearing at the hotel. That short, white number with the matching panties. Where on earth had she found it and why was she wearing it? He embraced her, kept his body against hers. He pulled back and he held her arm, looking over the left forearm for the claw marks. He even had to make sure this was Fry.
"So many strange things have happened, Chess." She breathed as she pulled her arm away and hugged him. She wore that little white outfit, the one from the hotel, the little slip of a nighty soft against his hands as he held onto her. When she reached to kiss him, the material lifted and revealed the matching panties from beneath the fabric of the nighty. "Have you seen Julia? She knows more about this than I do."
"I saw her, yes."
"Why are you wearing this?"
"It's all she had upstairs, Chess. It's cute. I am covered."
"Not enough. You do not walk around like this, no matter how cute you are."
"Yes, Chess."
"Jay, she have any clothes left here?" He said as he draped a throw blanket around her shoulders. He sat Julia Fry on the sofa. He saw Jayson's eyes looking over her as she waited on the sofa. One more woman and one more problem. "I guess you weren't a dream, then." He said, kneeling in front of her. "There's a lot we need to talk about and there's a lot going on. I need to bring you up to speed, Miss."
"Um, some stuff in the basement. I boxed it up when she left."
"Can you find her something more appropriate?" He asked seriously.
"I wanna go home, Chess."
"Yep. I bet you do. As do I. We will and soon." He swiveled to look at Jay who hadn't moved. "Clothes, Jay. In the basement." He stood and Jayson took him down the basement, crossing Alex's mess to the few boxes of Julia's belongings. Chess opened a box and found some clothes that would manage to cover her if only over night and then he'd worry about her fashion sense in the morning. He rummaged through the box and pulled out a couple cami's. A pair of denim shorts that were still too small and revealing for his taste.
He and Jay maneuvered back through Alex's disaster area to the stairs. "I'll show you. You'll see it's not her." As they went back to her, Chess took the throw blanket off her body and he held out her arm, clearly showing them scars that Julia hadn't had before. He turned her arm over and she had no puncture marks over her veins. Chess turned her body and revealed the scarring over her left shoulder blade.
"Go change clothes. I have tees in my bag. Put one over that cami."
"K, Chess." She called, scurrying up the steps to the second floor of the house.
He waited till Julia cleared the room and he looked at his cousins. "That is Julia Fry."
"Where did she come from?" Tavin asked.
"The flip side?" He replied, opening his beer.
One more time he had to sit down with Julia Fry and explain the way the worlds worked. There's this world, reality, and there's that world, an alternate version of same reality. Both very real and true depending upon which side you walked. Sometimes people walked both worlds and sometimes the opposite happened. Drawing comparisons for her regarding piggybacking in Philadelphia as an explanation of how things work was wearing thin.
"This does not make me feel any better." Julia yelled at him.
"What do you think I can do about it though? It is what it is." He replied as simple an explanation as he could drum up with such short notice. "Think if I had known you would wind up here next to me that I would have acted as I have? Julia, there was no way I could have known you'd cross over."
"You have been so grossly unfaithful to me, Chester Morgan." She hissed at him.
"Not at home. You lived that, Julia, as much as I did."
Chess had grown tired of groveling and explaining. He'd only been at it for an hour or so, detailing the life he lived between Maverick, Philadelphia and his home in Maryland. He came and went as he pleased, answered to no one. Julia's appearance had made it such that he had to answer for himself and his actions.
"Well, Miss Fry." He sighed aloud. "What's it gonna be, babe?"
She slapped him hard across his face. "Babe." She hissed at him. "Babe." She repeated slightly dumbfounded by his ease with all the matters at hand. The drugs, the guns, the relations he had resumed in Philadelphia since being discharged from the service. "Babe, you are not the man I know." She yelled, then slapped him again.
He reminded himself that no Chess in any world lays a hand on a female, especially the red head, in anger. "Cry baby." He heckled her.
She shoved him. "I am cutting you off." She said angrily.
"Ok." He replied, seeing he had no choice in the matter. He remembered back to the sight of her on the sofa. He had been so excited, so happy to see her. He still felt similar. Her jealousy and her anger didn't surprise him much either. He understood that and he had first hand experience with betrayal. When the situations were reversed, he was expected to live with it and deal with it. It always came down to what Julia wanted. "I find that it's best to be up front where things like this are concerned." He'd learned his lesson as the other's had learned their lessons.
"Up front." She repeated as she paced. "A baby, Chess." She said under her breath as she was still processing all that he'd told her. "With Jesslyn of all people."
"Yep."
She punched him this time. A hard punch at that. She had been learning, had put her body weight, what there was of it, into that fist. "Yep." She mocked him. "I cannot put into words how angry I am with you." She paced, small feet on a carpet in Tavin's living room across from that sofa where she landed out of whatever time frame she came from. "And you act like none of this is a big deal. How can you act like none of this is a big deal?"
At least she wasn't crying. He didn't like crying and fussing. Anger was good, had her focused. He felt it best not to respond to her. She was baiting him. She wanted to hit him again and she looked for a reason at that moment.
"Answer me."
"You're using me as a punching bag, so I will not dignify you with anymore answers. Julia, you need to walk away and cool off."
She didn't like it when the shoe was on the other foot, but he also wasn't dealing with the original who would some how understand the mess she walked in on. Julia Morgan would have walked in, staked a claim, made everyone aware and she would have called it a day. This one wasn't used to the madness of living in two worlds, she only came from one world, didn't jump back and forth all the damn time. She placed her hand on the lamp.
"Do not throw that, Julia."
Too late, too bad as it flew across the room toward him. She caught him on the shoulder as he moved from the flying object. The lamp hit the wall, knocking pictures down and some askew, swinging on their nails. She crossed the room and picked the lamp up and she proceeded to hit him with it repeatedly till he had enough and caught her wrist before she nailed him in the chest with it.
"I am trying really fuckin hard not to hit you back." He told her calmly as she sat across his legs. When she punched him in the balls, he forgot all about that lamp.
Jay chose to intervene before she beat him to death. Jayson had her by her pony tail and yanked her to her feet. "You. Stop." He ordered. He looked at Chess, holding his groin. He took the lamp off her and restrained her, pinning her arms down. She struggled nonetheless. "Stop, Julia." He said again. He shoved her toward the door. "Take it outside before you destroy the place." Julia pushed the front door open and stomped outside. Jay looked down at Chess. "Do this a lot, Chess?"
"Never." He groaned.
"You just gonna let her hit you?"
"Ugh, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Doesn't hurt much. Like being hit by a little kid."
"An angry little kid." Jay mumbled. "Need back up, marine?" Jay asked as he head back to the steps.
"Nah."
"Why don't you just come upstairs and leave her alone with her craziness?"
"Huh?"
"Where's she gonna go?"
Chess sat himself up and gathered his composure. Julia poked her head back in the door. "Where does that little whore live?" She asked, stepping inside.
"She doesn't know who the hell you are."
"The hell she doesn't, Chess." Julia argued. She looked at Jay. "You know who I am, right?"
"Yes." Jay replied sleepily, swishing his hair back over his shoulders.
"You remember all the good things we did. You brought me here, Jayson."
"Uh, Julia, I didn't. It's not that easy. It's not-"
"When's the last time you saw Julia?"
"Yesterday."
"Where?"
Jay climbed up a couple steps.
"Where?" She screamed at him.
"Which where are you talking about? Here, in my room, or there, in this kitchen at that counter talking about Caroline?" He asked, pointing across the first floor to the counter. "Either way, Julia, no one expected you to be here. I didn't and he didn't. Our Julia is in rehab. You, you're a girl who exists in a dream. You shouldn't be here at all. How did you get here? You connected to someone? You found their energy in a dream?" He sighed, climbing back upstairs. "I am sick of both you, all your fucking energy and excuses and problems. Keep your fucking hands to yourself."
"Rehab?" Julia asked Chess.
"Yeah. It's been a long fucking day, Julia, and I didn't get to that part yet."
"Where does that whore live?"
"Jess is not a whore, Julia, and I will not take you to my pregnant...friend so you can harm her."
"Some best friend she is." Julia muttered, sitting on the sofa. She put her head in her hands. "I will never trust another female." Julia didn't start crying at that point, rather, she pulled herself together and calmed a little. "Ever. And when I see her, you better bet I will have my say, Chess Morgan." She stomped toward the steps.
"Where ya going?"
"I'm gonna go to sleep."
"Where?"
"Tatia's room. If you think I will spend a night in Alexander's messy basement, then you have another thing coming."
Julia waited nervously by the meeting room doors. On a Sunday morning mid July, her nerves were wrecked. The second Sunday that had passed. Three weeks she had spent in this rehab and she felt better. She felt normal, forced to think and feel and talk. Rehab was a very structured routine. It took a couple days to get into the swing of things, but she caught on to the idea of creating a routine, sticking with it. Every activity funneled these people toward a goal of sobriety, talking it out and setting goals. Create the plan, follow the plan and achieve a goal, then start again. Every plan should be a positive plan with an attainable goal.
Julia had been educated on sobriety, had dabbled in working the steps in the past. Like Tavin said, it was what worked for the person. Not every treatment program is the same. She had read the literature, she had been on web sites and she had even made herself a notebook a long time ago. She knew how to get sober and stay sober, it was the desire to do it that she lacked. As she detoxed, which was most unpleasant, she declined any intervention short of hydration. She refused to be sedated through the infancy of the zombie apocalypse. Her chances of running sick were better than her chances of running sedated. Sick, she had a clear mind. Sedated, she would be in a fog. She would die, and that was the realization that she would choose to live in pain than die high. Her use suddenly made absolutely no sense. Whoever had intervened for her and sent her into that rehab had done her a favor.
That early on she had no idea where she was, all she saw was the four walls of a bathroom and she didn't come out for 48 hours.
About a week into treatment when she sat in the TV room watching the news with all the other addicts, she realized that she was no happier high than she was sober. Drugs only made reality worse, not better. And her use affected more than her no matter how solitary she had been when she was using. Reality was on the news. Incidents were cropping up everywhere and not only in the city of brotherly love. Further south in Wilmington, Delaware and beyond that into Baltimore and DC. The news was on more than normal day time TV, and everyone was talking about it. This infection was creeping up the coast, north, out of the DC metropolitan area. It was gradually gaining momentum.
The fact that she had been placed into a healthcare facility during the earliest days of the infection frightened her.
As she became more sober, her mind coming back gradually like a rebooted computer, she created plan B. She knew the exits. She watched staff come and go. She knew that she would need a staff ID card to travel from unit to unit and then to the exit. She sat in the garden during the day and she listened to traffic, determined that she was near two things, a main road in the distance and a rail road. She heard the train horn. Stay off main roads... Her eyes scanned the environment for what she could use as a weapon should it come down to it. Garden tools...wooden furniture on the patio. She placed objects, had procured the sharpest garden tool she could find and buried it in the garden beneath the rose bush. She spent her spare time looking out windows. She studied the campus from all angles, watching cars and people come and go. She sat and observed her fellow lost causes and there was no one she could confide these thoughts to.
She assessed her fellow addicts, which one was from the local area and she had found him. She befriended Todd. Todd would know exactly where they were and which road they were on and how to get the hell off campus to the main road and probably that railroad. So she sat and she made friends with Todd. She had no map, then Todd would be her map. In fact, with Todd, they could make it out of there on foot, possibly a vehicle if they could manage one and off they'd go. She'd separate when necessary...and go where?
A few more days she would be a free woman. She watched as addicts mingled with family members. A half hour into a two hour family day visitation and she waited on the off chance that someone would arrive to visit.
"No one here yet?" She heard a voice behind her. Todd.
"No. It's ok." She replied, looking over her shoulder. "I didn't expect anyone."
"Why ya standing there then?" He asked her over his daughter's head. She lay across his chest, sound asleep. Todd's mother had gone for a cup of coffee and a donut from the snack table with his son, Andy. "Like a Walmart greeter."
"Kinda."
"You can sit with us. Tired of listening to my mom nag me."
Julia left her spot by the door and she went and sat with Todd and baby Gina. 6 months old and knocked out. Gina's mother, Todd's ex, wasn't going to visit. She allowed Todd's mom to bring the kids to visit. Julia sat with his family for about 20 minutes, exchanged pleasantries and then excused herself to go back to her room. She was dying for a cigarette and thought about asking for one, but she had bummed enough through her stay. She had only been in her room 10 minutes when the knock came on her door. She had a visitor. Jayson's visit caught her by surprise. Who else did she have? She doubted he had her placed there, but if there was a hanger on, a clinger, it would be him. In the end, it always came down to him. She stood in front of him nervously. Facing him sober and medicated scared her.
He pointed at her. "What happened to your hair?" He asked as he stood across the room and observed a Julia minus two feet of red locks. He hadn't seen her with a short little pixie cut since she was twelve.
She touched her hair, running her fingers through it. "Time for a change, I suppose." She replied as she stepped forward. She smiled a genuine smile. A warm and true smile, not one for his benefit. "Hi, Jay."
"Hi." He smiled as he hugged her. He said nothing for what seemed a long time, just enjoying her against him.
"Gonna tell me you don't feel anything, Jayson?"
"I won't be saying that to you again. No." He separated from her, taking her hand and letting her lead him through the meeting room to the French doors that opened onto a garden, a mix of veggies and flowers. She sat with him on a bench on a stone patio in the middle of the garden.
"I like sitting out here." She told him as she leaned and picked a rose from the bush to the right of her. She inhaled its scent, so very different from store bought flowers. "When I got here, my first night. I bummed a smoke and the doc let me out here. I was a mess and I saw this garden and these flowers. Such beautiful roses."
"They are."
"I could have left after three days." She said as Jay took the rose from her. He plucked the thorns from its stem. "I chose to stay."
"Why?"
"Felt like it was time. Mind telling me how I got here? Who is paying for this?"
"Chess." He replied. "You know who Julia Fry is?"
"Looking at her."
"Haven't seen her in a long time. I miss her." He said, placing the dethorned rose behind her ear. "However, the Julia I am talking about has a huge chunk of scarred flesh on her back and claw marks on her left forearm instead of track marks."
Julia slid her sleeve over her arm and let him see she had healed. "They are gone." She said.
"For how long?"
"As long as I choose." She answered, sliding her sleeve back in place. "Julia, yes, she's his girlfriend. She makes him smile on the inside. Blah."
"She is home."
"Ok, can you do me a favor?"
"Sure, what, babe?"
"Tell him he is not my husband anymore and to marry his fuckin wife. You know, while he can. Then we'll call this even." Jay laughed, but he agreed, seeing she was serious.
"How about Mrs. Keller? Can you be Mrs. Keller, please?"
"If that's a proposal, you suck, man." She giggled as she stood up.
"Answer the question. Will you be Mrs. Keller?" He asked, seated on the bench and staring up at her.
He held her hands tight in his.
"Yeah, of course." She replied, pulling him to his feet. "But I got a few issues."
"I'm painfully aware of all your outstanding issues."
She wrapped her arms around his waist and looked up at his big brown eyes. She'd looked into those eyes a thousand times over the years, maybe more. "Thought you didn't want anything to do with me anymore?"
"Did you get the help you need?"
"I think so." She answered, looking around the garden. "I'll be ok. I have done this before. I have been through this very same thing before."
"There is nothing I will not understand or help you through. Julia, how many times do I need to say it before you believe me?"
Jay held her there in the garden till the visitation day hours ended. She walked with him to the visiting room and then left him go from there.
She got to see and hold Jayson and wondered for an instant if he would allow her to come home. She hadn't bothered him through the weeks she spent at rehab. She had her counseling and she said the right answers at the right time and she did give thought to her problems in the privacy of her own mind. There was only so much she could say when it came to her life and her issues. Zombies couldn't truly figure into to the framework of her recovery. Zombie baby couldn't either. The death of her daughter was a factor in her drug and alcohol use. She hadn't mentioned it in group yet, but the doc had brought it up in their private session. She hadn't been aware that anyone had been made aware of Caroline. "Her name is Caroline August Keller and I had her prematurely. She tried to breathe and could not. She died a few minutes after birth." Which was true. Elaborating on the events that followed Caroline Keller's birth and death would have only brought on another diagnosis or two and have her possibly drugged with more meds she didn't want or need. "I do not wish to speak about her." Julia said, but the subject of loss and dealing with loss as an addict ironically had come up in the next group meeting. Loss, Julia had been an expert on the subject.
"Have you lost anyone?"
"Yes." She replied when asked.
"Who?"
"My, um, mom died when I was 14. Breast cancer." Julia answered.
"How did that affect your use?"
"I didn't use then." She answered. She didn't but she had started to use after it. That was where it began, though. "Drugs were gross back then. I wasn't even much of a pot smoker or drinker. We did it for fun back then."
"When did it become a problem?"
None of your fuckin business..."After I was raped." Zombies...she thought quietly. A house behind a fence. I became an alcoholic. A farmhouse. I became a worse alcoholic. Philadelphia, I became a drug user.
"Did you get counseling?"
"Not the first time, no. Second time, yes." A suicide attempt, I became an addict with Macy and Chess and I hit bottom with Tavin. "I stopped using when I got counseling and meds and I relapsed after Caroline died."
"Who is Caroline?"
"Care's my daughter. I had her last August. She was premature. Um, I was 6 months pregnant when, uh, she died a few minutes after she was born." On Jayson's birthday. "August 15th."
"They couldn't save her." Someone said.
"No." She heard a handful of people say sorry.
"How did you deal with her loss?"
"I lost it. I couldn't."
"Were you using while you were pregnant?"
"No." Julia shook her head. "Absolutely not. No."
"Was that her dad that visited today?"
"Yes." Julia answered.
"Does he use?"
"No." She answered. "I do. He never...no."
"How did he deal with losing Caroline?"
"I don't know." He had to end her when she came back. They had talked about it. It wasn't his fault or her fault or anyone's fault. People die. Sometimes children die. It is a fact of life. Her life and Jay's life. "You'd have to ask him."
"How could you have better handled that loss?"
"I should have stuck a gun in my mouth." She replied, leaning back in her seat. She stared at her hands in her lap. Losing a parent is one thing. Losing a child, watching it happen...no more questions. She shut down as opposed to opening up. Whatever conversation went on during the meeting, she heard none of it.
Seeing her sitting alone at dinner, Todd joined her. He didn't say anything to her and let her alone in her thoughts, but she caught the drift. She was not alone. If she wanted to talk, she could. He followed her from meal time to down time, watching news reports on TV as another incident occurred at a Philly hospital.
"You alright?"
Julia smiled and looked across the space between them on the couch. Zombies...she thought. "Sky is falling." She told him. "Are you prepared?" Julia rose from her end of the couch and scooted out of the room.
"Ok, shorty. So when's the world ending?" He followed her through the TV room and to her room. None of the staff had observed this as mostly they played on their cell phones this late at night.
"Next month." She answered. "You are not supposed to be back here."
"I know that. Should I leave?" He asked, leaning comfortably in her doorway.
"What do you think?"
"I think I could close this door and no one would know or care if we're in here." He replied.
Oh, my God...she thought to herself. Can't escape this shit in rehab either, I guess. "I feel like shit."
"What with the world ending and all."
"Pretty much feel this way when the world's not ending, Todd." She answered, looking past him into the hall. He was tall enough to fill the length of the doorway. His lanky frame covered in a white tee and sweats.
"Miss your girl?" She asked.
"Miss your boyfriend?" He responded quickly.
"This why you're split up? Cause I don't get the feeling that it's alcohol that ruined the relationship."
"You're pretty smart. Huh? Should I close the door or leave?"
Well, universe? She waited a moment and wondered whether the universe would send her a signal. When she heard the glass shattering, she decided. "Come in and close the door." Newest patient down the hall was flipping out and the smartest thing to do was enter and close the door. She wasn't getting involved and neither was he. Julia could feel the butterflies moving in her stomach as the screaming and crying started. "Lights out, keep quiet." She suggested as she looked out her window. "Shit's about to go down."
She had her plan B ready. Her map stood across from her in a dark room. She would know when. She would sense when. And she would take Todd with her if it got that far. Perhaps that patient was only flipping out and perhaps her gut instinct told her otherwise. Either way, she was not wasting time and energy on drug addicts and alcoholics. Authorities were at the ready for this type of incident nowadays.
Whose idea was this to lock me into a medical facility a couple months before the fall of society? My ex-husband. She said to herself from her window. "Some sorta test, Lord?" She asked as she gazed at the night sky.
"Growling. I hear growling." Todd sounded like a scared child. He crept quietly away from the door.
Fuckin pussy...Julia moaned internally. She turned from the window. Zoms don't turn door knobs. She straddled the chair by her window and watched and waited. The zoms would beat down the fuckin door...
She and Todd had a long night ahead. They both sat quietly in Julia's room and as the unit full of recovering addicts fell into turmoil, they waited it out till the flashing light's reflection could be seen on the garden and the rear of the facility grounds. They waited through shouts of 'clear', 'clear', 'clear' and they watched the clock tick minutes till they reached her room and a man in SWAT gear aimed a weapon at them. A red beam of light shined on their foreheads as they stood with their hands up.
"Y'all alright?" He toted the latest zombie hunting and killing rifle available. No audible gunshots had been heard on the unit that night.
Whoosh-whoosh..."Yes. Been in here waiting for you."
"Gonna wait even longer. Building's not clear yet."
"Call Cookie Fields please. She's the liaison of...public relations specialist liaison to the Marine Corps division..." The door slammed shut and the marine stood guard outside of it. Julia managed to rest a little easier as the marine dressed in SWAT gear armed with an automatic rifle stood watch outside her door. "Go to sleep, Todd."
Julia motioned to the bed against the wall opposite hers. She had no roommate. Chess's 15 grand bought her some privacy. The accommodations weren't that bad till the patient Z down the hall acted up. A couple hours passed and the marine outside her door woke her by knocking loudly. He held a cell toward her. "Ma'am. Cookie Fields."
"Julia, you were in the middle of this?" She yelled. "You did nothing to assist?"
"Get me the fuck outta here."
"I'm on my way. I am finishing up an incident in Philly."
"Get me out of here." Julia repeated loudly, then hung up on her. She handed the cell back to the marine. "Thanks, Giles." She stated as she read the marine's name off his uniform. She turned on her side and closed her eyes to go back to sleep. She had kept one man alive to see another day. Before she fell asleep, she reminded Todd. "You saw nothing. You heard screams but you think it is a patient that went crazy. We hid in here together and we are fucking scared."
"I am scared."
"They are SWAT. Understood, Todd?"
"Yes. I understand."
Todd saw flames light up outside and he moved to see what the fire was. They're burning them... "Todd. If you wanna live through this, you need to lay down and go to sleep. You witnessed nothing."
"How do you know-"
"Know what? This isn't happening."
Julia had good reason to hole up in that room without setting foot outside of it with Todd. She didn't need Todd being a hero. She could have taken that whole mess on head first, but she wasn't stupid. The government was not about to entertain her one more time and the simpler that night was for her, the better. She kept her map alive and in the dark until they were rescued by SWAT. She followed directions like she had been instructed to do when she left the Pentagon after being debriefed. She had a clear set of boundaries in which to stay. The military didn't play. She would also not be their hero. She would not take any form of congratulations or thank you's from them. She would not be their pawn in their zombie game. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Fuck evil all the way around. It cost lives and it caused more problems and it overworked a tired crew of men, but she wasn't playing their game.
Morgan, Julia. 022695. Pennsylvania, original infantry...she said in her mind.
Keller, Julia...022695...Pennsylvania, original infantry. That had a ring to it alright. "I just wanna go home to Jayson." She said to Todd. "I just wanna go home to Jayson."
The response team had reacted quickly and the threat had been eliminated and removed. The solace of her garden outside her first floor window was ruined. Trampled and broken and burned. She sat on her desk and she looked over the yard with a profound sadness. In a month the entire world would look like that garden.
Cook arrived to the room and she was startlingly different in appearance. "Where's the pantsuit and heels, woman?"
"In my closet." She replied as she stood in black khaki's and a black tee. She had her vest holster, was carrying again. She wore boots, worn ones. She had heeded Mr Morgan's words of wisdom. "A word." She cocked her head to the side and indicated it was cool to step out. "There's a lot of questions."
"That's fine." Julia replied, sliding on her Nike's. "I used the utmost fucking discretion with my friend Todd." Julia added as she walked out with Cookie. Julia stood at Cookie's side and endured several interviews of what transpired. "I was not involved. I remained in my room until the marine arrived and then further sequestered us inside till the all clear."
"Mr MacArthur?"
"I kept him in with me, hidden, until the team arrived, Sir." Julia showed respect to the brass and she was treated with it as well. Be polite, Mrs. fucking Morgan. Be respectful, Mrs. fucking Morgan..."I used the utmost discretion where Todd is concerned and I understand full well this is a national security issue." The brass in front of her was worn out and appeared tired like the rest of his men.
"How is Mr Morgan?"
"I have not seen him since last year, Sir. You would need to inquire that of him."
"Free to go." He said to Cook. "MacArthur's statement matches hers."
"Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir." Cocksucker...Julia screamed in her head.
"Chess is here for you." Cookie stated as she stepped along the confines of the main entrance. She pushed the door open and held it for Julia.
"See you in a couple months, if you live that long."
"Same. If you live that long."
Julia watched Chess talk with his former fellow marines as she crossed the lot to him. Julia said nothing to him as she waited about 20 feet from them. She was patient and she allowed him to catch up with his buddies. But he didn't need the time, because he still saw the majority of his team through Ben. They still had poker night. Drink night. Bar night and whatever other night they could think up. As the incidents multiplied, they saw each other less though. Julia saw more marines moving out of the corner of her eye and turned away from Chess and his reunion. She walked cautiously at first across the lot a bit and then stopped, adjusting her eyes to the sun in her face. She was sure a minute ago that she'd seen him and then she heard his voice, she knew it 100%.
"Got a problem there?" He asked.
"Why's there a team here from New York?" She asked him, sounding accusing for some reason. She realized Masters had no idea who she was or why she cared if there was a New York team in her back yard. There was no indication that they were even from New York state. She changed her attitude quick. "Thanks for all you do, gentlemen. Keeping us safe and all."
"You're welcome, ma'am." Masters replied.
"Julia Morgan, Sir." She smiled, thinking she must have appeared crazy. "See you in the future, Sir."
"Julia Morgan. Aspiring SWAT are you?"
"No, I am not aspiring SWAT." She replied quickly, reaching from habit for her gun if only to rest her hand. No gun. You have no gun. No gun on you.
She heard Chess calling her from across the lot and she stepped back.
"You look familiar."
"You know us redheads, Masters. We all look alike."
"Julia." Chess called, arriving to her side to retrieve her. "Hey, let's go."
"Yeah, sure." She said softly, turning and walking away from the New York team. She looked back and didn't recognize anyone else. "You know who that was?" She asked as Chess opened the truck door. "Why is New York in Pennsylvania?" She asked annoyed.
"I don't know him and I don't know." He replied as he closed her in. He walked around and climbed in the driver's side. "So who is he?" Chess asked, strapping in. He motioned to her seat belt.
"Masters." She replied. "He's outta New York."
Chess only shook his head as he drove away. "So how was rehab?"
"Rehab was rehab." She paused, looking both ways with him as he pulled onto the road. "Jay visited me yesterday."
"I had Julia accidentally drop the name of the rehab and that family day was Sunday."
"Thanks a lot, Chess."
"Are you being serious or are you being a smart ass?"
"I'm being serious." She replied, propping her feet on the dashboard. "Thanks for coming to get me. Hey, can I have a cigarette? And I am thirsty, so can we stop somewhere? I would love some coffee too." She announced as she ran her hands through her hair. "Oh, look there's a Wawa. Can we stop, Chess? Please."
Chess switched lanes and turned left when he could and pulled into the convenience store lot. "Are you going to run?"
"No." She replied. "Run where?"
"You tell me."
"Gonna run to the fuckin counter and get some coffee. I would like orange juice." She replied as she unhooked her seat belt. "Chess, ok. I'm a little excited about being out of there." She admitted.
Julia popped open the truck door and managed to climb down, finding the runner with her feet. He watched as she walked to the Wawa door in her loose sweats and baggy white tee shirt. So strange seeing her alive and well and walking like nothing had happened three weeks ago, like nothing had gone on a year before, like they saw each other and spoke with each other all the time. Did she have any right to be so damn bossy with him? Asking him for cigarettes and juice and coffee. At least she asked. Normally she would demand or instruct.
"Are you coming?" She asked over the hood of the dodge. He had to because she had no money.
Women...he climbed down and met her where she stood and he held the door open for her. "You're very wound up this morning." He observed.
"I'm all nerves. So, where are you taking me?" She asked.
"I'm taking you to Jayson, Mrs. Keller." He replied with a hurt expression on his face.
"Oh, he told you about that? I didn't think he'd actually do it." She left it at that while she made her coffee and she got an orange juice from the fridge of drinks. "Are you upset with me?" She asked as she met him by the register in line.
"No." He answered as he pulled out cash for the coffee, juice and cigarettes. She gathered up her stuff from the counter. Chess followed behind as she returned to the truck in the lot. He pulled the door open for her.
"You can stop with all the door holding and manners, Sir." She smiled down at him as he watched her climb in. He handed her the juice and her coffee and her cigarettes.
"I will not." He replied. "I am well trained, Miss."
You certainly are...she thought to herself.
"A lot has changed, Julia." He started this conversation and she stopped him before he started.
"I don't wanna know, Chess. About anything."
"You do not like surprises."
"I have changed my mind on that, so please...take me to Mr Keller. I have some groveling, begging, apologizing and more begging and apologizing and more groveling to do."
"He's glad you're alive. That shit that went down-"
"A little misunderstanding is all."
"A little misunderstanding?"
"Yes, I spun the story." She sipped her coffee, kicked off her Nike's and propped her feet on the dashboard. She chugged the orange juice and tossed the bottle out the window, then lit a cigarette.
"The ring, Julia. You really wanna sell it?"
"You thought so little of it to burn it."
"It's not burned. Jayson has it."
"What good is it to us, Chess?"
"I would never burn our ring."
"You did though. I watched you do it. You were angry and you burned my fucking ring in the fire pit where you asked me to marry you. If that wasn't symbolic of an end...paper ends legal, fire ends whatever that was."
"Julia, you're holding some dream shit against me."
"It was as real as Julia Fry is real. Or is she some dream shit?"
"I am sorry, Julia, about the ring."
"You plucked that girl out of a basement in Maverick and dragged her into this."
"I love her." He stated.
Julia rolled her eyes, she lit another cigarette. "Oh, all that smiling on the inside bullshit. Well, I do not smile on the inside. Get rid of the ring. Burn it, sell it, just get rid of it."
"Sell it." He nodded.
"What are you doing with the money you get from it."
"Keep the fucking money. I don't want the fucking money. It's not about money, love of my fuckin life."
"E-bay."
"Deal."
"Then we're even."
We will never be even. Chess thought.
The closer she got to her hometown, the more nervous she got. Did anyone clear her arrival with Tavin or Jayson? Did anyone discuss this with them? Were they green lighting this return? Did she have any right to go home again? They'd been telling her all along that she was welcome and she needed to be clean in order to do that. Could she live up to it? Were there rules and what would happen if she broke rules? How would she ever begin to explain this and then ask them to forgive all of it?
"No. I can't go there." She mumbled as she neared the house.
"Julia, yes you can." He sounded as unsure as she did as he pulled the truck into the pharmacy lot. "You, come with me." He said, then waited for her to get out. Chess wasn't stupid as he waited for her to put her Nike's back on. "Doc called in the scripts. I talked with him before you were discharged."
"You call that a discharge?" She asked nervously as she walked with him inside the pharmacy. He purposefully held her hand. A sweaty little palm in his.
"Want me to find another place? I can. If you need more time, Julia-"
"No, I don't. Thanks." She let him pull her through the CVS to the pharmacy line and she stood there with him squeezing her hand extra tight. She tried pulling away. "I won't run. I told you."
"You're scared though. I got you." He said, pulling her in front of him. He locked arms around her waist. "Better?"
"Not really." She answered, feeling uncomfortable. Short of being cuffed to his wrist, it was all uncomfortable. When his phone rang, he handed it to her and she answered.
"Julia, are you almost home?" Jayson asked.
"Ye-yeah. I remember you said not to come home anymore."
"We talked about this. Yesterday."
"Not really. We talked and I-"
"Are you ok?"
"Yeah."
"Where are you?"
"At CVS with Chess. We're filling scripts." She answered. "I'm scared, Jay." She pulled from Chess's grip and stepped away. He watched her like a hawk as if she was going to sprint away from him. He could probably run faster and she didn't feel like running anymore. "I fucked up, Jay. It's not fair that you guys should-"
"I meant everything I said to you yesterday, Jules."
"I know."
"You know what this is gonna do to you and your family?"
"Our family. Julia, this is our family." He said calmly. "You don't have to stay, but where are you gonna go?"
"It's a big world, Jay."
"It's a small world and it's only gonna get a lot smaller." He argued. That much was true. "Put Chess on the phone."
Julia handed the phone back to Chess. "I would say she's having doubts." Chess spoke as they walked out of CVS. He rolled his eyes and pointed at her, then tossed the bag with the scripts to her. He closed her in the truck. "I got her this far, Jay. The rest is not on you. Or Tavin. The rest is on her." He climbed in the driver's seat and started the engine. "Well, if she screws up, which I doubt she will..." Chess looked directly at her. "Then we will go with the alternative." Julia watched as he disconnected.
"What's the alternative, Chess?" Julia asked as she looked at the script bag in her hands.
"Oh, we let you crawl to the gate and beg to get in."
"Well, now, that would make things very uneven, Chess."
"You know I like watching you beg. Gonna give me the luxury?"
"You know damn right well I don't need any gate or fence or school."
"Neither do I, Jules. Are you ready for this? Or do you plan on sitting on the sidelines and growing vegetables?"
"I'll let you know." She answered. Julia read the names of the meds as Chess drove them toward home. She looked over the information that came with them, scanning the side effects quick.
"I told the shrink to give you meds with few sexual side effects, if that's what you're looking for." He commented as he parked on the curb in front of her house. "Desert pussy." He teased her with that memory.
"Oh, thanks, Chess." She blushed. "Cause that was awful."
"Get outta my truck, Mrs. Keller."
She turned to him and leaned across the seat. She kissed his cheek. "Thank you, Chess."
"Julia, get out of my truck." He watched her standing on the curb. He yelled from his seat. "Do you want me to find another rehab? I can find one."
"No." She answered.
"Then what are you doing? Are you stuck?" He slid across the seat, leaving the truck idle in park.
"I don't feel good about this. Do you know what I have to do? I have to go in there and own up to all of this, this mess."
"So, go do it."
"I don't think I can." She said.
"If you're not ready, we can find another place. I have a back up, but it's in Maryland and I would have to make a few calls, but I can do it."
"I'm already sober, Chess. I can't get any more sober than this. Sober isn't the problem."
"Want me to call Tavin cause I don't know what to do here, Julia?"
"That'll only complicate the matter." She moaned, crinkling the bag in her hand. "How did you get clean, Chess? I never asked. You were as fucked up as I was at the time."
"What?" He asked caught off guard by her question. "I-uh-I joined the marines."
"Oh, well that is clearly not an option." As Julia debated in her head what would happen once she made it in the house, stalling with Chess on the curb, the front door opened and Alex came out.
"Are you going to stand out here all day, Julia?"
"Yes-no. No, Alex."
"How long are you staying this time?" He stood on the porch. He had grown taller and thinner. Looked more like Karen Keller than his brothers only lighter complected. His hair was cropped short, no more locks hanging in his eyes.
"As long as you let me."
"How long have you been sober?"
"Three weeks, three days. Do you want me to leave?"
"I want my sister back. Can you give me my sister back? Cause the way I see it, it isn't about your ex-" He pointed at Chess. "Or your boyfriend." He motioned back over his shoulder. "It's about my sister, you."
"Yes, Alexander. I know I hurt you and-"
"You don't have a fucking clue. What you've done to Tia."
"I know-"
"No, you don't know." He corrected her. "While you were in rehab, did you think about that?"
"Yes."
"And now you wanna come back in this house with us?"
"I know you don't trust me."
"I don't." He said, cutting her off. "You know, it's crazy. The whole time you were gone, we worried about you, I worried about you. Then this morning when we found out you were in the middle of that, I knew you'd be ok. It's kinda weird. Huh?"
"Yeah."
"Cause the only person that hurts you is you. Were you bit this morning?" He joked as he walked toward her through the lawn.
"No." She laughed a little.
"Did you bite anybody?" He smiled down at her. She had seen this kid before. In a not so distant future. Alex draped an arm around her and walked with her back through the lawn. He held the door open for her and they walked inside the house where they spent the morning together on the livingroom floor talking and catching up. Alex was the guard dog she had to make friends with before she went any further. He spent a couple hours feeling her out, gauging her honesty, and together they talked about what life would be like under that roof with her living there. It could not go back to the way things were and when he said that, she knew exactly what he meant. But they couldn't exactly look too far into that future of theirs, because there wasn't much of one to look forward to.
Alex eventually left her alone. He dressed, gave her a kiss on her forehead and he walked out the door. "Hope you're here when I get back." He said as he left.
Julia stayed on the sofa. Her bottles of medicine on the floor in the bag from the pharmacy. She looked at the shell of the house she had called home over the course of the last couple years and she had no place in it other than the seat on which she had taken with Alex earlier. She had no belongings. She had no room. She had blood there and they were angry at her and confused by the choices she had made. It was so earth shattering quiet, but she didn't move. She stayed put, absorbing the silence and only her thoughts bounced off her brain and the clocks ticked, echoing on the 4 walls. She had nothing to do but think. She wasn't hungry, chose not to help herself to the TV or the shower or the internet. She felt out of place. She felt alone and looking around, she wondered why she was alone. She curled up on the sofa, pulling her knees to her chest and she laid her head back on the cushion. She fell asleep.
Julia woke to the sound of voices. She stayed put, but she did have to pee. She held it. The back door was open and the guys were on the patio. The clock read 415pm. She smelled weed. Her pills were not on the floor in their bag anymore. She was covered with a blanket. She heard a bottle clink with other bottles from the patio. The kitchen door opened and Tavin came in for another beer. Pot calling the kettle black right there...she thought as she watched him pass in and out of the house. She heard Jody's laugh and the door opened again. He peeked over the counter with a beer in his hand.
"Hey, Morgan." He said, that smile...
"Hi, Mayers." She didn't move. She had to pee and she held it.
"Love the hair. You look so pretty." He winked at her.
"Thanks, Jody." She smiled. Geeze, he remembered.
"I guess we're not going out anymore. Wednesday with the contact is off the table now." He laughed.
"Oh, stop that." She covered her face and blushed. "How much do you remember?"
"Everything." He grinned. "Morgan, you have a lovely little bump."
"Ugh." She groaned. "Jody, get this out of your system. Go on, please."
"He was right. You tasted good. Like gold, if gold had a taste." He grinned at her as she peeked from behind her hand. "You are a liar, too." He accused her, waving that beer at her.
"I never lied to you, Mayers."
"You said my energy wasn't right. There isn't a damn thing wrong with my energy. Is there?"
"No, Jo. Nothing is wrong with it. It's perfectly in sync."
"I love you, Julia." He said quietly. "In a purely nonsexual, professional, zombie killer to zombie killer kind of way."
"Of course." She giggled. "Me too."
"Great, now that we cleared that up, can you get your undeveloped ass off that couch and join the living again?"
"Undeveloped. We're back to that are we?"
"Unless you got other plans, beautiful. Please, tell me you got other plans. You know exactly how and where I will place my loyalty, Morgan."
"I'm up. I am up." She said, shimmying off the sofa. When she stood, her bladder emptied and her pants soaked.
"Are you seriously pissing your pants? You said you only do that paralyzed."
"Oh, dammit. I had to pee all day. I been holding it. Oh, God."
Julia sprinted toward the steps and to the bathroom where she peeled off wet pants and granny panties. She cleaned up quick and then went in Jay's room to the closet where there was no new bag. "I have no clothes." She turned to the dresser and she pulled out a green bra, lacey and much more developed than her. She peeked at the tag. 34C. Adrienne probably. She pulled open another drawer and yanked out a t shirt of Jay's, one that would cover her ass and she gathered up her only clothes to wash them. "I have no clothes." She said to herself.
"Jules." Jay called. "What's up?" He asked coming upstairs. "Hey, Jo said you were awake."
"I am." She nodded.
"You really piss your pants?"
"I did. I was holding it all day and it kinda happened."
"Ok. I have clothes for you downstairs."
"Ok." She trembled a little standing so close to him. She had been perfectly fine with Jody. Completely normal. She nodded. He looked past her and he saw the bra on his dresser. "I was looking for something to like put on. I wasn't snooping."
"It's Adrienne's." He smiled. "She's developed." He focused on the word developed. It couldn't be a coincidence.
Is anything ever private? She asked herself. "It appears that way. Is she pretty?"
"Of course, Julia. I like pretty."
"I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry I called her."
"Scared her half to death. She got tested for every STD humanly possible."
"Except for the one we actually have, Jay." Julia said dryly. "I don't have any of the known ones."
"Neither do I." He replied. "So, um, now might be a good time to tell you that phone call you made was to a pretty girl who is also a pretty bad bitch."
"Ok. What exactly does that mean?"
"I have a habit of hooking up with pretty girls who are a touch on the crazy side. That being said, watch your back." He took her dirty wet clothing and left her standing in his doorway.
"I already do watch my back." She followed him downstairs. She hadn't been in a decent cat fight in a while. "Give me your phone." She demanded as she walked into the laundry room. He dropped her wet clothes in the washer, then picked up a bag from Aero. He handed it to her. "No." He stated. "Here's your clothes. Thank Chess when he gets here."
"I wanna call her. I do not like threats, Jayson. I am not afraid of-" She calmed herself down as she looked in her bag. "Is this stuff new? He got me cami's."
"I know you do not take threats well. Yes, there's cami's in there and clothes that fit. He took Julia shopping and apparently he doesn't feel you are even." He laughed. "You still smell like pee too so you may wanna get a shower." He washed his hands, pulled a soda from the fridge and head back outside.
Julia stood there dumbfounded. No hug. No kiss. No love and affection. Only a warning about a crazy, pretty ex-girlfriend named Adrienne with nice boobs who wore Vicky Secret bras. She looked down over her flat chest to the bag of clothes in her hands. Cami's for A cups...she frowned. Life goes on as if she had never left and as if she had not just come home. She wasn't exactly expecting a party, but she did expect a little more than a lifeless hello from the boy who wanted to make her Mrs. Keller 24 hours ago. Julia took a deep breath and she took a step back and she calmed down. Jay was allowed to have his moods and feelings. But so am I...
Julia turned and went back to the bathroom. She locked herself inside and ran water in the tub, stripping off the tee she had just put on. She climbed inside the bath, settling into the warm water and she slid far enough to dunk her head under water. She slid back up and started crying. When the water was no longer warm, she dragged herself out of the tub and dressed in a cami and clothes that covered her body. Chess must have shopped on the more juvenile end of Aero, but she didn't complain because the clothes were brand new and free. Chess's heart was in the right place.
Julia joined the living as Jody requested and she remained quiet and pensive as the guys talked and laughed. She cleared off the table and cleaned the dishes to keep busy and out of the way. Tavin came inside for another beer and he stood with her at the sink. "You don't have to do that anymore. Ok, Red?"
"Fine." She replied, rinsing a dish of suds and placing it in the drain.
"You're awful quiet. Is the drinking bothering you?"
"No, I drink, too. Only on holidays, remember?" She answered, reminiscent of a time when they were sharing a bed under that roof of his. "It's a fact of life, Tav. Right?"
"Need a meeting?"
"No. Are you my designated counselor? My sponsor?"
"Your friend." He stated. "Look, you need to be around people. You need to come outside and chill and have some conversation and feel normal."
"What is normal?" She snapped at him.
"I know how you feel."
"In the context of addict, you do. Thanks."
"I think I have a little more on my resume than addict, Julia." He replied. "Gimme a little more credit."
Julia rinsed the last dish and she couldn't look at him. "I know. I am sorry." She felt the tears again. "Did you cry a lot? I never asked. You know, when you stopped using." She whispered.
"No. I'm not a crier." He answered her, taking a drink from the bottle in his hand. "A few times maybe, I didn't make a habit of it." He put a hand on her shoulder. "If you need to cry, you can. No one's gonna think anything of it."
"Well, I wanna do it all the damn time."
"Can you say why?" He asked. She didn't answer right away. She dried her hands and she started making a pot of coffee.
"Yes." She answered. "A million reasons."
"What is the first reason?"
"This house."
"What about it?"
She opened the fridge and she pulled out a small tray from the door. She held it up for him to see clearly. "Why are we saving it?" She held the small tray out to him. "Bothers me more than beer. Who needs insulin?"
"Never threw it out." He pointed at the trash can. "After you had her, you thought you were pregnant again, Julia. You wanted to save it in case you were-" She tossed the entire tray in the trash can. "What else?"
She looked to the door and she whispered. "You gave him my room."
"Nah, baby girl. Not going there."
"Where's all my stuff?"
"In boxes in the basement. Jules, you took all your clothes and had Jay bring you stuff. But the books and the knick-knacks and that end of things is down there."
"He's in my bed."
"Awe, Julia, you're being petty now." Tavin rolled his eyes. "I would assume he'd do what you ask and if you want your room, bed and things back where they belong, he'd jump and ask how high. That's not the issue. What is it?"
She shrugged.
"You have come this far. You can do this. You have done this. Where me and you came from a couple years ago, Julia, this is the exact same thing."
He reached for the CVS bag. He tossed the bag to her. "Medicate."
"No. I won't be able to in a month and it's not-"
"It's a three month supply and that will get you over the hump. It worked last time, because you let it work last time." Julia opened the bag and set the bottles on the counter. She took a pill from each bottle and swallowed them down with some milk. "Thank you."
"He acted like I was a stranger. He didn't say hi or anything."
"Tell him that. I said hi. I hugged you. I kissed you and teased you about that awful fucking hair cut." He snickered. "For someone who always complained she looked like a boy." He asked, pointing at her head. "Who's dick gets hard over that hair cut?"
Jody Mayers dick gets hard, that's who...she thought. "I do not look like a boy." She argued with him, looking over her body. She ran a nervous hand over her hair. "Where is Tia and Tarin and Alex?"
"Tarin is with his grandparents while my wife is fucking her boyfriend. Tia is with Cal. Alex is with Julia."
"Oh, wow." Julia said, surprised to hear that. She talked with Kelly regularly and she didn't have a clue about the fucking. She had a boyfriend and he took her to prom and did normal teenage stuff, but the fucking came as a surprise.
"You knew about the boyfriend. Josh."
"I knew about him, but she has sex with him? Since when?"
"She says she does. Is she lying to me?"
"I'd rather that than, you know. But last I talked with her was before rehab, so maybe."
"She's lying to me." He smiled. "Thanks." He head to the back door. "Talked to Jesslyn lately?"
"Not since rehab, no." Julia shook her head.
Julia chose to stay inside a while and she inventoried what they had in the fridge. She got what she planned on making for dinner the next day and set it out to defrost. She listened as the guys laughed and talked and when Chess and Julia arrived with Ray, everyone came inside and gathered around the table for cards. Not much changed.
"Julia, we dealing you in?" Chess asked her as she slinked out of the kitchen to make room for everyone.
"Hell, yes. She's the only one who can beat your ass." Tavin told him.
"Um, I don't know. There's no where to sit. You have fun."
Julia...sit the fuck down...she heard Chess in her head.
How are you doing that?
Learned a few things on the flipside. Sit down and play with us. Please.
She hear you too?
No.
"Ok, maybe. Hold on a minute." She turned in the living room and she pushed through the front door. Too bright. She turned in the driveway and she walked into the back yard where there were no street lights and no bright lights. Still not quite dark enough. She squinted and she looked and she listened and she couldn't see all the pretty colors.
She turned and head back inside. She sat with Jayson and played cards, eventually warming up and talking and laughing. Tavin was right. She needed people. She needed to feel some semblance of normal. On Jayson's lap with cards in her hand and letting him choose which card to discard and when to pick up. Half the time wondering what the hell he was thinking while he chose the cards he chose to hold. The objective was to win, not lose.
Gradually the kitchen cleared out and people went home to their beds or they went to different beds in the house. Julia cleaned up the mess and considering she had a nap while everyone else was awake, she wasn't tired too early. Jay clung to her, taking trash out and recycle out to the side of the house. He locked up and he waited for her and when she was finished tidying up, he turned off the lights.
"Wanna go up?"
"I'm ok. I'm not tired." His expression said he wasn't exactly tired either, but he didn't exactly want to sleep. "I took a nap and I-"
"I would like to go to bed with you."
I'm not feeling the love...she thought..."Now."
"Sure, yes."
"Oh, well you haven't like touched me since I came home and I get the feeling you really can't do that yet..."
"I never said that. I never acted like that either."
"Well, honestly I think it's something we should talk about. If memory serves, I remember I should have talked with Chess about it and I didn't, so I think we should and-"
"No."
"Cause you don't wanna. What if I wanna?"
"What good is it gonna do either of us talking about what we already know?"
"Are you sure you know or are you only guessing? I think it didn't really affect you last time like it does this time."
He was speechless.
"It affects me. You know, how I feel about myself. Like making love to you is something I want to do because I love you and not because it is a means to an end." She paused as he leaned against the counter. "Like I don't even remember what it's like to lay down with someone I love."
"I do."
"Adrienne?"
"No, dummy." He said, taking a seat. "You." He said, making himself comfortable. "I don't love Adrienne. I didn't love Stef. I felt nothing for Sarah and Jen. I did and do love Jesslyn. So, basically, what I am saying is I haven't made love to a girl in a long fucking time. The only one is you."
Who the hell are Sarah and Jen? "We have had sex, Jay."
"I realize that. I hardly would call what we did, love."
"I agree. So what would you call it?
"I missed you. Feeling close to you when we couldn't be like this. Even though you didn't talk the same and act the same, inside you, there's no difference."
"Didn't it hurt afterward?"
"Yes. It does. It hurts now. I didn't feel dirty. I never did. Well, except maybe at the motel."
"Yeah."
"You were different there. You stole from me. You used me. I felt like I paid you or you paid me. Either way, that wasn't a good place for either of us."
"Why did you put up with me? Why did you do all that and bail me out and keep it going?"
"I can only say this so many times. I love you. Even if it's a little bit of you. I have always and I always will love you. Whether you're high and using me or high and stealing from me-"
"Jay-"
"No, you need to hear this. I need to say this. Because this isn't about you, Julia. This isn't about only you. We lost Caroline. You and me. I needed you, whatever part of you that you were willing to give. Julia, you don't understand. It killed me letting you go through that alone. I would never let the mother of my child get so lost out there...Julia, I begged you. I did everything you wanted and I begged you...to come home with me. I fed you when you were hungry. I gave you whatever you asked me for so I could see you and know that you were alright. Babe, fuck..."
"I'm sorry, Jay."
"Do you have any idea what I went through? Did you ever once consider that I may need someone too? The only person that could understand that and you left me. I wanted to die, Julia. I wanted to put a gun to my head again and I couldn't do it."
"I'm sorry, Jay."
"Ask me why."
"Jay, I am so sorry."
"Ask me why, Julia."
"Why?" She asked.
"We all have a part we play in the story of your life and I won't...you lost her and I wasn't going to have you lose me too. No matter what purpose I served, I wouldn't leave you." Jay slid off the stool and stood up. "So, forgive me if I need you. It's not a need that...I don't wanna just come in you or fuck you. It's not that kind of need, alright. So I am sorry if I make you feel that way." Jay moved away from her, took a deep breath and processed all he'd confessed. Her reactions. "Ok. Come up when you're ready or don't." He called as he left her downstairs.
"Jay, are we done talking about this?" She followed him as he climbed the steps.
"Yes." He closed his door and left her at the bottom of the stairs.
Julia took the pack of cigarettes off the counter and went out back to smoke. She stood on the patio in the dark and swatted at mosquitos, blew smoke at them and she thought about what Jay had said. Choices. The choices she had made as a woman, a rebel, in zombie world were hers and hers alone and she was proud of that. The choices she made in the real world always seemed wrong and seemed more like a dream than the actual dream. Choices or mistakes. Choices in zombie world and mistakes in the real world. A life she could be proud of and a life she had been ashamed of. Why was it she could manage against the odds in a dream and then fail so horribly in the real world? She knew she was surrounded by supportive people. People who were strong when she was weak. She could be strong for them when the time came. Another month the games would begin and she knew how to play the game. She was an expert player.
