CHAPTER NINETEEN-OH, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO.

This girlfriend of his shared the same internal clock, waking religiously at 4am. He needn't ask himself why, he'd ingrained the hour of the morning into her on the flipside in the school. Their days started early there. Here, not so much. There wasn't much to do at 4am and he had a routine down pat. He would wake, then jerk off if alone or fuck whoever lay beside him, then read through the news online for awhile before the world woke up. Julia laying next to him meant he was jerking off in the bathroom, then reading through the news with her till the world woke up. When she said she was cutting him off, Julia meant that.

The apartment was close quarters for two men. Adding Julia and her accessories into the mix made for closer quarters. She had cleaned his room for him. He hadn't since her look-a-like had cleaned it before her. She got along fabulously with Ben and he set her straight as to the state of their relationship. Chess had already ended things with Ben, so the two of them could share their woes.

"Julia, how long are you making me wait?" He asked her every day and each day he didn't get a response. She had already told him once, 'when I am good and damn ready, Chess'. Turned out Julia was not a fan of repeating herself either. For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why the girl was so bitter.

"Who are you texting?" She asked as she heard the keys on his phone as he pressed out a message.

"Macy." He answered.

Macy, another problem for Julia Fry, but he never once viewed his Macy as a problem to be solved. On that, he was firm with her. She brought up traveling to another time and place before graduation and a conversation he had with Julia Morgan and Macy Monroe. A night he had spent with two girls and a boy named Andy that he had tucked away in a drunken memory vault and had evidently not only been unlocked by him, but for Julia as well.

"How is the wife, Morgan?" She asked dryly.

He'd about had enough from all his females. Ben never gave him any shit for anything he'd ever done. Honesty helped that along. He'd always told Ben, from the beginning in fact, that they could never be more than bed buddies and friends. When he asked why, the girl stood clearly between them in one form or another. "That girl right there." The one he'd divorced, the one he had never married. Recently the mood and the negativity, though, he swore they were one in the same. She had adjusted back into normal, modern life easily. She adapted to any surrounding with ease and if anything bothered her about the flip side, then Fry never let on about it. She could roll with the punches.

She shadowed him whenever he had work to do or business to accomplish, but he always kept her from particular associates unless they'd tag along for a future ride. Some people she would need to know and some were on a need to know basis. Having a little partner in crime took some getting used to. Julia always tagged along with Jay on the flipside, or vice versa. Like those two were made to work well with each other in some shape or form. She and Jay got along and understood each other in a way he could not manage with her. He didn't have to explain himself or his actions or his business to anyone, then she popped up from an alternate timeline and there he sat explaining why he carried and why he did what he did and spoke to whom he spoke. He had no choice when she came across the bag of drugs and cash in the bottom drawer of his dresser and neither belonged necessarily to him. He wasn't about to start explaining drug trafficking to the girl. "Babe, did you live in Philly with me or not?"

"I never saw anything like this when we were in Philadelphia."

"I kept that from her." Chess replied. "You, not so much. So when I say, stay here, or I drop you off somewhere and then come back for you, that's the reason, so quit asking."

"Quit asking..."

"I will deal with this. Babe, enjoy the little time you got while you got it."

"Like a vacation?"

"Yes, think of it like a vacation." He agreed to which she flipped him off. That was also a problem.

"Do it again, I will break your finger."

"Sorry, Chess. It seems appropriate when you get secretive with me. But you have been secretive since we got together. I'm just something on the side like the rest of what you do."

She was baiting him. He prided himself on not giving in and taking the bait. It didn't do much to diffuse her, but he picked his battles with his small ally. She knew that statement to be false as much as he did. He didn't have to prove anything to her. He'd already done it. She needed to get on board with the way things worked when people jumped around timelines. She would eventually come to understand what applied and what did not apply and realize that underneath all the bullshit, he felt the same about her no matter where he stood. No matter what their circumstance. He also knew he was grateful to have her even if she was moody and angry and confused.

As soon as the sun rose and he had completed his morning routine, he sured up plans with Jesslyn and then set out for a drive to Maverick where he would deposit his little honey with her twin and get a few hours of down time from her. As for taking care of Jesslyn like Julia had suggested, he doubted that there would be any sexual relationship between them. As long as Julia Fry's two feet were on the same soil as his, then the answer would be a resounding no. He'd learned that lesson. He would not be unfaithful to his girlfriend. He wouldn't risk that in real time. If that meant hurting Jess's feelings, then so be it. He did not want an intimate future with the girl from his past outside the realm of his unborn child. It was the mature and respectable route to take. In time, Jess would grow to understand that.

"Where are we going?" Julia asked as she slipped into her sundress.

"Home for awhile. I got stuff to do with Jess and Julia wants to see you."

"Jess? Like what?"

"An ultrasound and a doctor's appointment. That's what. I gotta be there by 830, so we should move along."

"What's Julia want with me? I don't speak with her."

"She's gonna beat your ass." He replied easily. "Remember, Jess is her friend. Remember, you threatened her?"

"Yeah, but I won't. I was mad." She shrugged, stepping into her underwear.

"Explain that to her, not me." He caught her before she pulled them up and brought her little body against his. She left out a little gasp from surprise. "Jules, I need this." He said, holding her ass in his hands.

"Chess," She whined as he spun he body and backed her against the wall.

"I need this." He turned her around and he lifted the sundress, peeking at her pale butt. "Please," He added nicely as he bit her shoulder, leaving a slight impression of his teeth on her flesh. "Babe, you know it's only you. I'll do as you wish. I have since the beginning of this."

"Will you fuck her if I don't?" She asked softly, feeling him pressing against her.

"No, I have everything I need right here in front of me. Julia, why don't you believe me?" His voice sounding so pleading at that moment. He hated it, but he let himself weaken for her. She like honest and she liked when he opened up to her. "I'll wait." He said, kissing her shoulder where he'd bitten her a moment ago. He loosened his grip on her and he held her, inhaling that juicy couture scent she'd spritzed on her dress and her chest and her hair and all her other parts. "I love you."

"I am angry about this baby." She admitted. "I will not share you with Jesslyn." 

"I don't wanna be shared with Jesslyn." He agreed. He'd already done that and he honestly didn't want to share her with Jesslyn either. "I didn't plan on sharing you either. That was always the plan, Julia. No sharing unless we agreed on it. I still believe that."

"Including Macy." She added.

He hesitated. "When Mace is ready, I want you to meet her and get to know her. Then you can decide. I'll leave that up to you. Is that fair? It's more than a compromise on my part."

Julia turned beneath him and faced him. "I never agreed to share you with anyone. She did. I am not ready to entertain that thought."

"Understood, Julia."

"Chess, I want us. Not us and someone else. I don't think that's selfish. I think it's normal."

"Under the circumstances, yeah."

"What circumstances?"

"You being normal and all." He paused. "You're waiting till I say the right thing?"

"Nothing specific." She giggled, putting her hands on his hips.

"Virgin." He looked down at her. "Is it the virginity thing? I-"

She shrugged, because she hadn't thought about it. "I just don't wanna feel like I made the wrong decision."

"You haven't. I never want you to feel like you have."

"No," She shook her head.

"I am so sorry you got dragged into this, Julia. But I am so glad you got dragged into this."

"We need to leave. You're gonna be late." She said, separating from him. She found her panties and pulled them on. She stuck flip flops on her feet and she took her cell. "Come. I'm hungry, too. I need coffee."

He followed his pale, little red head as she walked away, grabbing his keys and wallet from the top of the TV on the way. 

They drove through McDonald's for breakfast and coffee, ate in the truck on the ride. Julia seemed happier, lighter, in a better mood. She had always liked his words, the way he spoke when he was honest and open with her. Once on the highway, Julia unhooked her seat belt and slid closer to him on the seat.

"Julia, put your seat belt back on."

"No. I can't reach you from over there." She said as she placed her hand on his pants. She unbuttoned and unzipped him and reached inside, wrapping her small hand around him, getting him hard. "Can you focus on the road and not get us killed?" She asked him.

As if he'd never done this before. He didn't mention that to her. "Yeah, I can multitask." Any first she ever accomplished was never his first time for anything. Last person to give him road head had been Ben and Julia did her best Ben impression as they drove 55mph toward home.

He dropped her at the house and left to get Jesslyn. He was running late at this point, having pulled off the road and parked the truck because, as Julia said, road head only served to arouse her, so they parked at the nearest rest stop, hopped in the back seat and she finished what she had started. He had a feeling she was worried about him hooking up with Jess and the sex was a purpose driven reminder of who he belonged with.

He had invited his mother for this appointment and she was ready and waiting with Jess and Louann. His and Jess's daughter now had a fan club. Both moms were excited about going for the ultrasound, wanting to see 'their' baby. Sandy had warmed up to the idea of being a grandmother considerably. Jess looked glad to see him, had been worried when he was late that he wouldn't show at all and had blamed traffic on the highway.

Jess checked in and they were invited back to the ultrasound room a few minutes after arriving. At 21 weeks, her small belly protruded off her abdomen and the four of them sat in awe as the ultrasound probe glided over the jelly on Jess's abdomen. The black and white screen across from them showed blurry images as they had to be told what they were seeing. A spine was clearly visible and then the head. The sex of the child was clearly visible, at least for Chess. He'd witnessed Julia's ultrasounds enough to know he saw no indication of a penis. The tech asked whether they wanted to know the sex of the baby and the excitement erupted from the grandmothers when they all heard 'girl' in response to an eager yes. The tears flowed and little cheers of joy. They left with pictures for each person, printed on soft paper.

"Layla, Chess." Jesslyn whispered as the grandmothers walked ahead of them to the cafeteria as they turned off to go to the doc's office for Jess's five month appointment. "Why Layla, Chess?"

"I don't know, Jesslyn. I like the name is all."

"Ok, Layla it is."

He sat through a doctor appointment next to Jess and an exam. He'd been through a handful of these with Julia. They got all good news. They had all the positivity surrounding this pregnancy. No negativity. He wanted her to be happy and not have to worry about anything. He told her as much as she dressed after the doc left them in the room together.

"Ok, I got it." She replied as she redressed. "Thanks, Chess."

"Anything else you need? Let me know, ok."

"Yes, Chess. Just keep doing what you're doing."

"You, too." He handed her the purse and she hesitated to leave the room.

"Um, should I make an appointment for next month?" She waited by the door for an answer. "If it happens, then I won't need one."

"Yeah, do that. Like usual."

"How will I do this if we don't have a doctor, Chess?" She rubbed her belly and she looked nervous.

He didn't want to be insensitive, but women gave birth naturally all the time. He debated waiting to respond on this or whether to burst her bubble now and let it sink in. Julia gave birth a year ago with Jayson alone in the farmhouse. If they could manage that, then Jess..."We'll manage." He answered.

"What's that mean exactly? Do you have a plan for this?"

"Tentative plans, Jess." He was thinking about that among all other things he had to think about. "I can't do this for you." And I wouldn't want to... He felt fairly sure he had some level of pain tolerance, but the births he'd witnessed at the farmhouse were excruciating. Jay had given him a blow by blow of Caroline's painful entrance into the world. Jules was the strongest girl he knew and Jay said she was strong, but the pain was described as intolerable. "I'll, uh, be there though."

"I won't have a hospital or drugs or comfort or anything like that."

"You will have people with you. You will not be alone." That was the best he could offer.

"It's going to hurt though." She whined, pulling the door open. 

"Yeah, it will." He agreed. "Hungry. Wanna go to breakfast with the grand moms?"

"Sure." She smiled. She walked ahead of him and she made an appointment for August just in case the world didn't fall apart.

Jay and Julia went in the house, his hands all over her up the walk to the door and then once inside the door, they dropped to the floor fumbling with clothes as they lay on the carpet. "Um, excuse me." Julia said aloud from the kitchen. She peeked around the counter at them on the carpet.

"Well, Jayson, this could go a couple ways." Julia smiled, tilting her head back to look at her twin. "Wanna join us?" Julia asked as she pulled her sundress back up over her bare chest.

"Not particularly, no." She answered, getting up from the table. She walked to the two of them where they stayed on the floor. She hovered above and looked at Julia. "Chess said you have a problem with me."

"I do." She answered, her arms pushing at Jay's shoulders to get off her. He stayed put on purpose. He wasn't letting her get up yet.

"Well, what's the problem?" She folded her arms over her chest and she waited as she looked down at Julia.

She gave up pushing at Jay's shoulders and focused on the attitude above her. She wore the same sundress and as far as Julia could see up her dress, the same underwear.

"I don't have an issue with you and you should mind your own business."

"Jesslyn is my business, Julia."

"I'm not gonna bother her or go after her, if that's what you're worried about. So drop it."

"Girls, stop." Jay said.

"Nothing to start." Julia replied. "Not with you stuck under him."

"Oh, I am not stuck under anybody." Julia grinned. "Right, Jayson?"

"Probably. But there's not gonna be any problems here either."

"Nope." Julia answered as she relaxed beneath Jay.

She's lying...Jay thought.

"Nope, cause Chess explained how this works." She shrugged, backing away from the happy couple.

"What are you doing here?"

"She knew I was coming. Where have you been? I was alone here for like an hour."

"Running errands." Julia answered.

"I let you up, I won't have any problems?" He asked, looking down at her. She smiled a soft smile. "Evil." He smoothed her dress over her legs as he got up and then offered her a hand, assisting her off the carpet.

"As long as we have an understanding where Jess is concerned, we will not have any future problems." Julia said to her.

"We will not." Her eyes looked Julia over and she noticed they wore the same outfit. "What the heck? You cut off our hair?"

"My hair, not yours. Obviously he never left you get chased through a horde or you wouldn't have any either."

"I've seen my fair share of zoms." She muttered as she walked through the kitchen. She picked up the med bottles off the counter and she read the names off the bottles.

If not for medication...Julia thought, smiling as she watched her twin explore her home. "You can go now."

"Where?" She asked, setting the bottles down. "You're stuck with me, guys, till Chess comes for me. So where have you been?" She spied the ring on Julia's finger. She smiled and said nothing, but Julia had a feeling that her thoughts were laced with sarcasm. "Mrs. Keller." She smiled softly.

"Are you two just gonna stare each other down? Stop it. It's creepy."

Getting the two of them comfortable in the same room took some time. Neither was used to looking at their reflection like this. Jay admitted he would find it disturbing if the roles were reversed. As they spent an awkward couple of hours together, the more they spoke, the more they realized they had nothing in common. No shared interests. Neither wished to speak of the flip side and neither enjoyed the comfort of reality. Both seemed jittery and uncomfortable and speculated on the end and then the new beginning, what roles they would play and what they learned that would help them as they moved forward. What they could agree on was that neither wished to start over at the beginning.

Julia Morgan hid from the sun under the patio umbrella across from Julia Fry who soaked up the sun's rays on her skin.

"Eh, this time around I go in eyes wide open." Julia said, feeling the sting on her shoulders.

"As opposed to legs wide open." Julia responded dryly, scanning the scars on Julia Fry's arm. They'd healed nicely, but they scar tissue glistened in the sun. If she wasn't sun burned, she would have blushed. Julia didn't openly speak of her intimate side. Modest, still, after all these months. "I know what you do." Julia whispered.

"I know what you've done as well, sister." Julia Fry reached across the table and she took Julia's hands in hers. Julia felt a familiar zap, a spark of energy and Julia broke through it, reaching upward with a vaccinated energy that neither tickled nor burned. It just was, a salve for her wounds. Her febrile warmth made her palms sweat, too.

"What is that?"

"I call it light. I fill you with light." She replied.

"How can you do this? You're vaxxed. How did you open this?"

"Chess opened more than my legs, sister." She smirked as Julia let her explore. As the moments passed, Julia nosily picked around her brain.

"It was you, not me, holding us there."

"Yes." She nodded. "You planned on leaving me alone. I couldn't do it alone. I didn't know how."

Julia's eye brows perked up, surprised she had admitted that to her. "And now?"

"I don't have to. We survive. We put our survival ahead of others." She whispered, glancing toward the door, spoke under her breath. "Always."

"He put my survival first." Julia replied, feeling uncomfortable. "Always has."

"Good luck with him. I know you want the best. Can you deliver?"

"I am not pliable. I am stuck in my ways."

"Find some new ways." She left her hands go and withdrew from her.

Her energy attached to her brain matter like glue. She did feel different, good. Whatever the light was, she was full of it. "What was that? I feel fantastic. That light...you filled me with light."

"I call it purity." She smiled. "There's lots of names for it. Happiness, truth. It's been so long since you felt it, you don't remember what it feels like, sister."

"Huh?"

"It's what you've been looking for in the needle, the bottle, the pill, and the bed since Caleb Downing held you down and raped you."

"Awe, shit." She mumbled, then laughed aloud. "I do feel great, Julia."

"Yes, you should." She nodded, laying her head down on the table in front of her. "It's an even exchange, though. What I gave you, I lost, and in exchange, I absorbed a ton of that negativity. So I feel like shit as you would say."

"Take it back then." Julia said, putting her hands out to her. "Go on. It's not a good place to be."

"It feels like it. How do you walk around with this poison inside you?" She pushed her hands away and she righted herself. "I'll be cool. I wanted this. I wanted to know what pain feels like anyway."

"Pain."

"I can handle the most extreme physical pain imaginable, you know. That cut you got on your hand taking out that nest at Shades' ballroom, the pain you felt from it, that's nothing." She smirked. "But emotional pain. The pain that comes from the most horrible experiences and then to live through it, that's a whole different pain." Julia was speechless. "Yes, I wanted this. Any advice?"

"Well, you don't drink or smoke or do drugs, so I would say go to bed for a month and cry or you could do the only thing that you and I do that we have in common."

"What's that?"

"Chess Morgan. The rage, the darkness. Pain begets pain."

"I'll remember that."

"Any ideas?"

"I'll come up with something." She grinned. "I always do. So does he. He's very...sexual."

"In so many ways, sister. Let me count the ways."

"He still loves you."

"I know. I love him, too." She replied. "Be patient. You want it all and you want it now. It takes time and trial and error and...just love him. It's all he wants."

"I could say the same to you. Just love him. It's all he wants." Julia spied the ring again and took Julia's hand. She looked at the purple stone, the silver beaded band. "It's pretty. I like this. It's tasteful."

Julia laughed, pulling her hand away. Just love him...it's all he wants.

She glanced at the door and he stood quietly watching them. "Hey, you guys aren't fist fighting. That's a good sign."

He's a good choice. I made a good choice. Always go with your gut...she thought. She admired the way the sun shined on Jay's face. His big, soft smile. The way his brown eyes smiled along with his mouth. His hair in braids, no length to it. She glanced at her ring. Where had he found it? It had been bugging her since he placed it on her finger. She had seen it before and admired it before, but couldn't place where or when.

She was distracted from staring at Jay when Chess arrived. He made himself at home and slid his pack of cigarettes to Julia. "Thanks." She said, taking one. "How's Layla?"

"Normal." He answered. "She's all good." He slid the ultrasound pic across the table to her.

"Sweet, Chess." Julia smiled, studying the grainy, black and white picture. "3D is so much clearer though." Julia remarked as she recalled that fine piece of technology that imaged Caroline every month. "Cool. I'm happy for her. You. You know." She said, sliding the paper across to Jay who had come outside.

"Wanna tell me what I need for the birth?" He asked her. "I didn't plan that part and you and Tav were all over the babies, you know."

Jay took the ultrasound pic and sat next to her. "Is she gonna be the one who delivers the baby?"

Chess looked nervous about responding. "She delivers them with Tavin." He paused. "You don't have to, but what do I need for it?" Julia looked mortified. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm, uh, not upset." She replied. "Of course, she's my girl. I'll do this for her."

"Yeah, whatever she needs." Jay agreed.

"How about good drugs?"

Julia laughed out loud. "Awe, that's funny." She said, still laughing. "I'll start an epidural while I'm at it." She laughed. "No, Chess. It's the old fashioned way." She stopped laughing.

"I promised her I would do everything I could."

She didn't like his tone of voice. Seeing Layla had an effect on him. Suddenly it all felt too real. He couldn't really appreciate the belly till he saw what grew inside it. He couldn't really grasp the idea that he was going to be a parent until Layla's picture was cast on a screen and printed out for him to carry around. Forever.

"And you will." Julia assured him. "It's different when it's your own, isn't it?"

"Yes, Julia. I didn't understand."

"Geeze, can I get that in writing, Sir?" She teased him.

Chess got up and walked away from them. "Jay, you wanna take this or do you want me to?"

"I think he's feeling guilty again."

Julia scooted back on the bench and emerged from the shade of her umbrella. She followed him down the drive way to his truck where he was smoking another cigarette alone. "Hey, come back, Chess."

"I fucked up, didn't I?"

"Fucked up what? Layla is a gift."

"With you and Care. I'm-"

She stopped him before he uttered those words again. "Don't say you're sorry one more time, please."

She took another cigarette from him.

"But this whole year was my fault. Everything you did to yourself was my fault."

"No, it wasn't. It was my reaction to the loss of my daughter. Not the healthiest one, but it is what it is." She argued with him. "It would be easy to blame you. If I was gonna blame you, I would. But I am responsible for myself, Chess."

"It wasn't my decision to make, what I did."

"It wasn't." She replied. Just forgive him...it's all he wants..."We all have choices to make. Sometimes we make the wrong ones." She tugged his hand. "I forgive you." He looked like a weight had been lifted off him as they smoked on the lawn together. "Layla will be ok. So will Jesslyn. I get that you're scared. I understand that fear. You're worrying and she's not even here yet."

"I'm trying hard, Julia, to do the right thing with her."

"Ha, imagine how Jess is feeling right now."

"I'm trying to, Jules. I went through it with you, so I kinda understand her. I'm trying to be there. I call her everyday. I make all the appointments. I have-"

"You don't have to tell me. Is she happy?"

"I think so. Moms are, too. I spent the morning with the three of them."

"What's your problem then, if you are doing what you're supposed to do?"

"Not a good time to start a family, Julia."

"There never is. It's what I'm trying to tell you." She said, taking his hand. "Chess, I met Layla. She's gonna be ok. You're with her more than your boys. And then Kyra, you love your girls and your girls love you." She paused. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't talk about it, but I witnessed it with my own eyes."

"Kids, though, Julia, I-"

"Is this because of the kids at the school? You didn't make them sick or make them turn. That's not your fault either."

"But that's not saving lives, Julia."

"Yeah, it was. How many lived because of you that day? You guys secured a school and you prevented the entire school from turning, confining it to one classroom. Chess, you saved more kids than you lost. You sent how many home to their parents that night that would not have gone home if your team wasn't there?"

"I guess you have a point, Julia."

"Have you been back there?"

"No." He shook his head.

"Take a drive, then. Go back. Make peace with it somehow, Chess. Have you seen the memorial?"

"I haven't seen it, but I donated to it." He answered. "How are you making peace with all this, Julia?"

"That's between me and Jay." She answered.

"You're gonna marry him?" He asked, lifting her hand to look at her ring.

"May I? Do I have permission?" She asked half joking and half serious as he looked over her ring.

"Sure, I think it's a great idea." He answered half joking and half serious. "It's pretty." He smiled. "How many dead did he have to kill to find the right one?"

"Oooh, you stop that. I love it. It's perfect for me."

"You sure about this?"

"As sure as I was with you." She smiled at him. "It feels like the right thing to do, Chess."

Tavin held her hand in his and he looked at the ring on her finger, mouth hanging open over his dinner plate. He let her hand go and he was speechless for awhile. A couple times he almost spoke, but held back, not wanting to hurt their feelings, his or hers. When Julia left the table and played with Tarin in the yard, he gave Jay an earful.

"Are you crazy? Did she rub her crazy off on you?"

"I love her, Tavin."

"Jay, you were fucking Jenn two days ago." He paused. "She knows about Jennifer."

"Not details, but yeah."

"But-" Tavin tried wrapping his head around the pending union and he couldn't. "Jay, I love her. I get it. But-" He paused, trying to come up with the nicest words he could. "I don't think you have thought this through. And she agreed to this?"

"There's a million reasons why we shouldn't and I have thought about and lived through every reason."

"Ugh, Jay. What are you doing?"

"You don't agree."

"Do what you want. I'll support you like I always do, but Jayson you know how she is."

"I know exactly how she is."

"Jay, I know how it feels when she connects, but-"

"Tavin, I can hear you." Julia said, looking around the ladder on the sliding board. "I am standing right here."

"Don't make her feel bad."

"You have a couple deep conversations and then this?"

"Think positive." Jay smiled.

"Think with your brain, bro."

"Tavin." Julia hushed him.

"I am thinking with my brain."

"You're as excited as a pet at the door when the master comes home."

"Jay, don't." Julia yelled at him. "Get up and walk away." She suggested, hoisting Tarin onto her hip.

"I'm not gonna hit him." Jay said, looking at her across the yard.

Why the hell not? She thought...I would have...

"Do you want me to?" He asked.

"No." She shook her head. I would have gone over the table if he'd said that to me...they'd have to pry me off him...I'd scratch him up with my nails and bite him and hit him...that comment went too far.

"He's not asking your permission, Tavin. He doesn't have to explain himself either."

"Marrying you isn't gonna solve any problem, it's gonna create them or make them worse."

Hold onto the baby. Hold onto the baby. She repeated that to herself. She held him tight even when he demanded to be placed on the grass. If I put this baby down there will be a fight. I'm getting angry.

"Jules, put him down." Jay said.

"No." She answered. "I-I can't." She replied, loosening her grip on the boy a bit.

"Yes, you can. He wants down." Tavin said.

She set him on the grass a moment later and he ran to the ladder on the slide. She stuck with him as he climbed and then watched him slide. She felt the pressure building in her head, behind her eyes and she let the tears roll over her cheeks while they played. Tavin quit talking and Jay watched them play.

"Oh, no, no, no, no." Tarin's small voice sang when she leaned to pick him up for the swing.

"No?" She asked as he ran from her. "Ok, then." She laughed a little. He had clearly indicated he wanted the swing. His little body maneuvered the steps holding onto the rail and then he pointed and grunted to the napkins on the table. Jay handed him one, knowing where he was going. He kicked Tavin's leg under the table to get his attention off his cell phone.

"Hmm, what?" He asked, watching Tarin go back to Julia in the yard. He reached for her and she picked him up, holding him against her as the baby dabbed that napkin on her moist cheeks.

"No, no, no, no, no." He repeated, looking so concerned and his big brown eyes gazed into hers.

"Ok, ok, ok, ok." She laughed, kissing his cheek.

"She has feelings, Tavin."

"Where on earth are we driving, Chess?" Julia asked as she realized they head the opposite direction of home.

"Relax, it's gonna be awhile." He said as the Navi indicated they'd be on this highway for at least an hour. "Gonna tell you a story." He lit a cigarette and he reached into his memory. He started at the beginning, from the time they received the call until the time they wrapped up the incident and left the school's small suburban campus. She listened quietly for an hour and a couple times he checked to make sure she was awake, because she entertained him so quietly and without interruption. When he finished his version of the Rochester incident, having left no detail omitted, he further checked to make sure she didn't have ear buds in her ears, because she had no comments or observations. Not even a 'wow' or 'awe' or 'that sucks'. "Nothing? I told you all that and I get nothing from you?"

"What would you like me to add to that? It's depressing." She took a drink from her bottle of iced tea. "Ironic how you plan on spending the rest of your life on a school campus and raising the next gen of infantry. Is that like your way of paying it forward?"

"Huh? I never thought of that."

"Makes sense, Chess, locking us all up on the school grounds and not allowing us to leave. The way you make the children a priority, as well they should be, but from what I have heard, long after the streets are free and clear, you stay locked down."

"I think I make a few enemies along the way."

They quieted for nearly another hour, having switched onto another route.

"So how far away is this school?"

"5 hours." He answered her. "So chill, babe."

"I am quite chill, babe." She mimicked him.

"How did your talk with Julia go?"

"Well. I cleared up Jess for her and she did the same. No fights. I confronted her though. I am not scared of her."

"Ok." He smiled.

"Jayson restrained her, but I did confront her."

"Would you have if she wasn't restrained?"

"Sure, I would." She sounded more confident than she felt. "How was your morning?"

"I took the grandmothers with us, Julia." He said. "Lay's my daughter and you're going to be a part of her life." She remained quiet, watching the road pass. "I mean that. I want you to be a part of her life."

"Yes, Chess. I can help raise your daughter. Be a step mom. Sure."

"There is nothing wrong with that, Julia. If I had known, Julia-"

"Do not start explaining the difference between there and here again. I completely understand it as you have explained it."

"It doesn't hurt any less. I've been there."

"As you have explained."

"What is wrong with you today? You were happy this morning, if I remember correctly."

"I filled her up with light." She wiggled her hands and fingers in the air. "In exchange for filling her up with light, I was filled up with dark."

"Eww, why?"

"It's an exchange, not a donation." She snapped at him. "As I explained to her, I can tolerate physical pain, but emotional pain, I am unfamiliar with it."

"Why would you do that?"

"I figure in small doses, I can build a tolerance to that as well."

"I like your emotion. I like that you can be vulnerable, Julia. It makes the two of you stand apart."

"She needed to feel it again. I felt charitable."

"How do you feel?"

"Yucky."

He laughed at her choice of words, but wasn't surprised. "Yucky." He repeated.

She elaborated for him. "Unstable. Full of doubt. Lost. Afraid. Numb. Sad. Like that feeling after you throw up and your body is trying to adjust to being sick. Poisoned. Toxic."

"Ok, I think I got it."

"Dirty. Rejected. Used. and that's skimming her surface. I don't know how she walks around feeling like this." She paused. "I feel uncomfortable in my skin. Like if I could scratch it off, I would. And I have a very strong desire to escape."

"Energy."

"Negative, spoiled and rotten energy. It's very dark. Violent. Rage. I-there are not words. She's learned to thrive like this. Like a dead flower that someone keeps around cause it meant something once or used to be pretty. That is how she feels."

"Fuck, Julia. That's just not true."

"That may not be how you all feel about her, but it is how she feels when you look at her. It is very difficult to separate myself from it."

"You get all that from some energy? I have had her energy."

"She gives you what she allows you to have." She extended her hand and waited for him to take it. "A glimpse?" He didn't take her hand. "Maybe later." She shrugged. She remained silent the rest of the ride to Rochester. Alone in her own thoughts, but with feelings that belonged to someone else.

Chess pulled into the lot at the elementary school and he and Julia walked along the sidewalk in front of the main entrance and around the building to the side where the memorial stood. Not what he had pictured in his mind's eye. A small stone wall with bright flowers planted around it. On this wall each child's name was inscribed. He read over the names on one side as she did the same on the opposite side of the wall.

"Hey, Chess. Come look at this." She said as she crouched by the base of the gray wall. A name plate at the bottom had caught her attention. He squatted beside her and the name on the plate jumped at his eyes.

"Layla Morgan." He said under his breath. He sat back on the grass and he stared at the name plate. His eyes glanced above the plate to the next one. "Kyra Morgan." He could barely hear his own voice. "Julia, they are my daughters' names."

"This can't be a coincidence, Chess."

"I killed Layla and Kyra Morgan. I must have that in my head somewhere to name my own girls..."

"Girls." Julia repeated.

"Kyra is my daughter with Macy. A long time from now." He answered before she got mad at him. "We have four boys, but she will name all of them." He took his cell from his pocket and he snapped a pic of the name plates. "They're twins." He said, taking note of their birthday. "Wonder what they looked like?" He asked. Turned zombie kids all blurred into one strange looking zombie kid when they're bloody and dead and trying to eat you. "Only two of us were willing to go in." He said as he put his phone away. "Me and Henderson. The burn was the worst. We shot them all, a couple hadn't turned yet. We placed them on the reading carpet and we lit them on fire. We contained the fire to one room and then the clean up came through. We were done." He felt her hand on his shoulder and he swore it was Julia Morgan. She gripped him the same, pulled him against her as wifey would and she held him against her chest as he cried.

"It's not done though." She whispered. "Is it, Chess?"

"For now it is, yes." He pulled away and wiped his tears and he made himself get up. "The girls who hid under the teacher's desk. Layla and Kyra...they were the girls who hid."

"Were they bit?"

He nodded as he took her hand and he walked off the grass. "I killed Layla and Kyra." He said again. "I gotta get outta here."

"Well, let's go home then. Want me to drive?"

"Nah, I'm ok. I don't know if I feel any better, but it explains some things."

They went to dinner where he gradually came back to normal. He lightened up, talked and handed her the phone. He instructed her to find them a suitable hotel for overnight and then went to the bathroom. She had everything set up for their over night by the time he returned to the table. Basic room and a decent price, he brought in a bag from the truck and dropped it on the floor.

"Did you plan this ahead or something?"

"I always have a go bag in the truck, Julia. Just in case."

"Got one for me?" She asked.

"It's in there." He motioned to the bag. He'd added her things in after she arrived from the flipside.

They both showered and watched TV awhile. Chess wanted a drink and thought about going for something or down to the bar on the corner for a six pack, when she told him no. "Please don't get drunk because of this day, Chess."

"Alright. It was only a thought. You don't drink anyway." He reminded her. He went to the vending machine instead and bought some sodas and snacks. The modernity of the vending machine business amazed him as he swiped his debit card and got all the snacks he desired without any cash at all. He took his cache of munchies back to their room and smoked once he got outside their door. His eyes scanned the vicinity. Total quiet and heat of an August night. He didn't like being six damn hours away from home. If the shit hit the fan, then he'd be five hours behind schedule and have to make it back...he stopped himself, reminiscent of Julia and her anxieties. There wasn't anything he and his sidekick couldn't handle together and he would deal with whatever happened, if anything at all happened. He was ready no matter where he stood. The truck alone...he flicked the cigarette butt and gathered up his snacks and went to Julia who occupied the same spot and held the remote.

"Hey, you." She smiled. "Wanna play a game with me?"

"Cards. I have some in the bag." He grinned. He hadn't played poker with her in some time.

"Not quite." She shook her head. "Can I be honest with you, Chess?"

"Yeah." He opened the soda he bought, thinking 'this should be interesting'.

"Well, all that energy I took from her..." Julia blushed

"Yeah,"

'Wanna fuck?" She asked.

"You just say fuck?" He laughed.

"I certainly did."

"Ok. You don't have to ask."

"Um, so the game..."

"Spit it out, babe."

"I want to wear the ring. I have so much of her energy that I wanna pretend to be her. You treat me like her."

"Julia, I already do."

"Nah, no you don't. You're lying to me."

"Uh, I assure you, it's a little different. You're worse." He said. "Not worse, but you're stronger in that aspect and I can do what I want with you and you don't complain."

"Gimme the ring."

"She wouldn't say it like that."

"Where's my ring, Chess?" She asked with an appropriate tone of voice.

He felt chills as she was looking at her ring-less fingers. "Well, that's more like it."

"Do I need to earn my ring?"

"This is weird. Stop it." He smiled.

"Oh, so I am close to her."

"Get dirtier and you gotta talk different. You gotta cuss, which you don't do."

"Gimme my ring, babe." She cooed sweetly.

He sighed as he leaned over the bag and he opened a small inside pocket. She's gonna kill me for this...he thought...if she knew I was playing games with her ring...with this one of all people...but this could be fun. He withdrew a glassine baggy that contained the ring. He'd had it cleaned and the stone shined bright through the bag. "Julia, can I ask one thing before we do this?"

"What's that?" She asked, sitting up on the bed. She got to her knees and she left her hair flow down over her shoulders and chest. No longer under the cover, he saw her pink skin, flat stomach, all the familiar curves. He stepped forward and he positioned her. Legs apart, only slightly. He set her palms face down on her thighs. He fixed her hair, exposing her breasts.

"When it hurts, you have to act like it. You gotta tell me. You can't enjoy it. She doesn't like pain, so I'll-there's ways around it." He explained. "Um, you'll see that we are normally very rough and I am not with her."

"Cause she was raped and I wasn't."

"Mmm, maybe. I don't know. All I do know is I don't hurt her."

"Oh, so no stinging or hair pulling."

"I am not allowed to touch her hair. No restraint at all whatsoever. I will not hold you down or anything. You'll see."

"Kinda like my first time."

"No." He laughed. "I pounded the fuck out of you your first time."

"Is what we do weird?"

"Depends on who you ask, babe." He shrugged, because their sex verged on abuse. He'd become quite skilled at hurting her without leaving marks. He paused before he slid the ring on her finger. "Let's get one more thing straight. She makes love to her husband and I fuck my wife."

"Ok."

"This game is your idea. What I say to you, Julia, that might hurt. You sure?" He asked again, touching her face.

"I am."

He took the ring back and placed it in his pocket. "Does Tylenol work on your fever?"

"Yeah, but I never take it because it damages the liver in large amounts and around the clock it would-"

"One dose won't kill you." He said, tossing the bottle of Tylenol her way from his first aid kit. "As soon as that fever comes down, I'll fuck my wife."

She took three pills down with her drink of iced tea from the vending machine. "What about my scars?"

"Can't hide them. But the fever, we can. She's not hot."

"We look just alike."

"So? It's an attitude and a mood. You own this. It's yours. The ring seals it, it has the magic inside it. I don't know if that's necessarily true, but she believes that. She loves her ring. She loves me. It doesn't matter whether we go at it everyday or once a year or once a decade, she is my wife and she will always be my wife. I don't fucking care if there's a divorce or not. When she speaks of her husband, then she thinks of me."

Julia watched him as he spoke. He meant every word he was saying. "You love Julia."

"I love Julia. You'll see. So there's still time to change your mind."

"But-"

"Not to say I don't have feelings for you. I tell you all the time. I say things to you that I only have said and would say to you. When we're in relationships with people, we take on the persona they want and vice versa. There's a level of flirtation and interaction and an energy between two people. That energy has a signature, it's a sixth sense, runs deeper than the surface. It is what is unsaid between two people. It is called love. Understand me?"

"Yes, I think so. How come we never talk like this?"

"Think I talked with her like this 9 months in? No. I spent years with her figuring this out."

"Why aren't you with her?"

"Um," He thought about that a moment. "She's in love with Jay."

"No, she's not."

Julia knew it was wrong when she opened the beer. She kept hearing Tarin's voice, 'no, no, no, no'. It was drink or weep and she wondered what happened to all the light her sister filled her with. That hadn't lasted long. She drank the beer as she looked around the downstairs of the house and she couldn't find a suitable bottle of anything worth imbibing. Beer...she drank at the counter and then the light switched back on. It had been Tavin's mouth. If there was a direct reason or cause, then Tavin was the source. Then Tarin's sweet little hand as he wiped away her tears.

"You sure about that?" Jay asked as he sat along side of her. He took a drink from the same bottle. He spied the pill bottles, the lid from the beer sat in front of them. "Good day and a bad day." He commented. The August heat was awful, but the cold beer tasted great. Especially with the dry mouth.

He reeked of pot, Julia sniffed him. "You smell great." She smiled. She took her beer back and finished the bottle. It was all there was in the house.

"Come with me." He said, leading her away from the counter.

"I'm sorry, Jayson." She belched the beer and even that tasted divine. "I love you, babe. You don't understand..."

Once upstairs, he closed them in the bedroom and he handed her what she wanted.

He took a drink from the open bottle and nearly gagged. One shot, two shots, three shots and Julia laid down with him, curled against him and felt the klonipin mixing with the vodka. "Thanks, Jay."

"You're welcome. Go to sleep." He told her.

"I'm not drunk, Jay."

"I know that. I am also not mad at you." He held her hand. "I love you, Julia."

"I'm really sleepy. It's all the klonipin. All the klonipin."

Strange, she thought as she opened her eyes and saw a bright lit room. She was on the bed and on her knees nude. It didn't take long to figure out what on earth was going on and it was not a dream. She covered herself. One arm over her chest and the other over her lower half before she pulled the blanket back around her. Why does this always happen to me?

"What?"

"Fever go away yet?" He asked.

"Why? I feel fine." She replied as he yanked the blanket from her. "I don't have a fever." She covered herself again, pulling her knees to her chest. "Chess, please." She rolled her eyes. He stood up and he approached her, placing kisses on he forehead and around her face. "This is really sweet, but-" He tilted her head upward and he kissed her.

"Did you hear anything I just said to you?" He reached into his pocket and she looked away, thinking he was pulling out a condom, but he flashed her ring in front of her and he took her hand, she gasped.

This has to be a dream...She said as she felt the metal sliding over her finger...wake up...

"I can't do this..."

"Shhh, I love you." He said.

"The ring though, Chess. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Well, you're sounding just like her." He got on the bed with her, separating her legs and laying her back.

She shimmied away from him. "I don't even like you, Chess."

"You sound exactly like her."

"I thought you sold our ring on eBay." She said. He stretched on his arms above her and looked a little puzzled as his hips moved against her. She held her hand up and she looked at the stone. Such a striking light blue. "It's so shiny, you had it cleaned." She commented. "I love this ring."

"I know. I killed bitches for that ring."

"I miss you, Chess. But I can't do this. It's not fair to Jayson."

"Well, damn, you're going to far with this little fantasy of yours. Tone it down a little."

"Fantasy." She grinned. Fry had some juice in her after all. She was giving him his wife. "You two are sick, twisted people." She informed him. "Using my ring to get off."

"This was your idea."

"You need wifey that bad, Chess?"

"No. I told you...fuck, babe, you're arguing just like her. Getting on my damn nerves."

"Which part of the wife do you want exactly, because the mouth comes right along with the pussy. Or did you just want the pussy?"

"Oh, this is just weird, Julia. I can't." He got to his knees and he reached for her hand.

"Leave my ring alone. This ring belongs to me. I am not taking it off." She balled up her fist and she refused to open it for him.

"Huh?" He asked.

"You, weirdo. Her pussy is the same thing. Only so much hotter. You melt in it, remember? How is mine any better?"

"It isn't the pussy. I told you that. It's her. See, you're getting jealous. I explained this to you. It's a game to you. But to me, Julia is not a game. The ring is not a toy. So when you play this game, looking and feeling exactly alike, those scars...I don't see them. When you speak to me, I will hear her. When you move for me, I will feel her. When you come for me, it will be her. When I speak to you, I will speak to her. The words I say and the feelings I feel will be for her and her alone. Can you handle this or not?"

"I would like very much to make love to my husband. Hear all those things you like to say to me." She placed her hands on his face, holding his cheeks softly. "Is this the universe telling me I need to hear them? From someone who means them? Do you mean them? Does anyone really truly mean the words they say? Can I love more than one fucking person at a time? Why do I always wind up with you, holding onto you?" She looked at her ring on her hand attached to an arm that had scars on it. She felt hair against her skin that did not belong to her. She felt a man between her legs that she divorced. "I love you. Get off me before we make a huge fuckin mistake here." She held her hand out to him as tears filled her eyes. "I need to call Jayson." She said as tears streamed out of her eyes and over the side of her face. "Please, Chess." She sobbed. "Or take me home. That's a better idea. Please, take me home."

"Why does this happen?" He backed off her and he placed a blanket over her.

"I don't know." She answered. "Please." She sat up with the blanket over her parts that he'd witnessed a million times. "Take me home."

"We're five hours away from home, Julia."

"Huh? Where are we?" She knew she was in a hotel room, but how they got five hours away, she couldn't grasp.

"Rochester." He replied.

"Oh, the school. Did you go?"

"Yeah." He nodded and he took his phone and sat next to her. He showed her the picture of the wall and the memorial and the name plates on said wall.

"Makes sense."

"Did you know about this?"

She nodded. "The kids names were online. It's not a coincidence that you name your girls after these twins. I didn't think it was anyway. So, I figured you'd remember whatever you forgot when you saw it." She opened google and she typed in the name of the school's website. She showed him the twins' picture. "Layla and Kyra Morgan."

"I could have remembered all this at home too. I didn't have to drive five hours away to remember or deal with it." He closed the phone and handed it back to her. "You know I am not driving home now, right." She nodded, tears started drying up.

"No more drinking. I don't know what happened."

"You connected with my girlfriend and then drank and passed out. Your use has something to do with it."

"It happened at the school when we took out the nest. We were connected then too. Once it fades, we'll be alright."

"What are you drinking for?"

"Tavin said some mean things." She answered as she pulled clothes on her body. "Mean things that made sense, but were insulting as fuck and I didn't fight him, I drank instead."

"What did he say?"

"It doesn't matter." She replied as she took his pack of cigarettes from the table by the door. "Come smoke with me."

"She doesn't smoke."

"She does tonight. Or we drink." She suggested with a frown on her face. "She smoke weed?"

"No."

"What does she do? Other than play out weird fantasies that involve my ring?"

"You were not supposed to see that."

"It's ok. I don't mind." She propped the door with her flip flop and she sat on the curb in front of their door with him and they shared from his pack of cigarettes. "He said that marrying me will only create more problems or make them worse. He told Jay that he was, um, 'as excited as a puppy at the door whose master just came home'."

"Ugh, but it's possible and that's true. Jay's excited."

"But it hurt him. I don't like people hurting Jay's feelings. It made me sad and then angry and I wanted to hit him so bad. I love Tav, but he was such a dick."

He started laughing. "I could add him to the list."

"Stop it." She smiled. "No list." She nudged him. "Chess, I was pleasantly passed out on klonipin and vodka. What the fuck?" She mumbled. She paused, feeling her heartbeat pick up. "Klonipin." She said under her breath. "Oh, fuck, the klonipin."

"What about it?"

She jumped off the curb and flew through the door into the room. She dialed Jay's phone and begged him to answer.

"What's wrong?" He asked. She looked scared as she pressed send call and begged Jay to answer the phone.

"He's not answering."

"So."

She flipped through the phone contact list and looked for Tavin's name. "Where's Tav?"

"Under the brother."

She shot him a look as she pressed send. "Tavin. It's Jules. Go get Julia. Go wake her up."

"What? What time is it?"

"Klonipin, she took the bottle of klonipin."

"The whole bottle?"

"With a beer." She looked at Chess. "She tried to...she's dying, Tav."

"Is this a joke?"

"No." She said calmly. "Oh my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God." She started crying again. "Oh, shit, Chess. I took all the klonipin."

"That's like Xanax."

"Kinda sorta."

Chess took his phone off Julia who was near panic by this point. "Oh, my God. We switched. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What have I done to her?"

"Tavin." Chess said calmly. "What the hell's going on?"

"How many did she take?"

"The fucking bottle." Chess replied, looking at Julia who paced and cried across from him.

"It's her, not me. Oh, fuck. Is she alive?" Julia asked. "Chess, is she ok? Oh, my God."

The phone disconnected.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" Chess asked, looking at the cell screen. "Julia, that's my girlfriend..." I love her... He felt like the floor was dropping from beneath him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know this would happen. I'm sorry. Chess, I can't go back or I would." She cried. "Chess, call back. Call them back." Julia needed one of those klonipin at that point in time. "Home, we have to go home."

"Shut up." He said calmly, slumping back on the bed. "Please, shut up."

Julia stood by the TV and cried, her body shaking and her insides churning. Her body felt wretched and her head was aching from crying. "Chess, I-" He looked at her and his face was horrified. How could he remain so calm? "Call th-them bbback pppleeasse." She was starting to stutter at this point.

"You took the entire bottle of klonipin."

"It was supposed to be me."

"Next to Jay. You were just going out like that with him. He was gonna find you or-Julia, you will turn."

"He's immune." She whispered.

"He would not put you down." He yelled. "I don't want to put you down. What on earth will we do with your body?"

"Incidddddentt."

"Fuck you." He yelled at her. "Why? Cause of Tav?"

"Bbabbyy."

"Care?"

"Tarin." She replied. "no, no, no, no, no. I should bbbbee wwith heerrrrr." She wept as he had never seen her weep before. Between the guilt she felt for Julia Fry and the baby and then Jayson laying next to her...

"Fuck you." Chess mumbled, taking his pistol from the bag and tucking it behind his back. "I ain't losing two of you in one night." He looked at her, eyes sad. "Calm down." He ordered. He thought as he sat there, minutes seemed like an eternity. He started putting on his shoes. "Either way, we gotta go home." He pulled a tee over his head. He tossed her an outfit as all she wore had been the blanket from the bed. "Julia, it's gonna be ok."

"No, it's not."

"Jesus, if anything happens to her." Julia started sobbing again. "Julia, baby, please calm your ass down." She followed him out to the truck when he finished packing. He opened the door for her and she climbed inside. Chess started the long drive home and when the cell screen lighted up, he pulled off the highway and he answered. "Tavin, tell me good news, please."

"You should come home. Where are you?"

"Four hours, maybe 3 no traffic." He answered. "You need me?"

"Yeah." He answered and he hung up.

"Chess, is she-"

He put the truck into drive and he pulled back onto an empty highway. He would take his time. Julia no longer functioned on the world's clock. And it was all he could do not to kill the one that sat to his right.

Julia woke up when he parked the truck. The lights were on inside the house and Tavin and Jayson were both awake and sitting at the kitchen counter. For the first time in a long time, Julia was scared. He dragged her in the house despite that fear and he made her stand with them at the counter.

"Where is Tarin?"

"I took him to Kelly."

"Alex."

Tavin looked at the basement doorway.

"He knows."

Tavin nodded.

"He alright?"

"What do you think?" Tavin asked sadly. "Are you?"

"I will be." He looked at Julia. "Ready?"

She nodded and didn't look at any of them. "Mmm-hmm." She answered quietly and she walked away from them and she went upstairs. Every light in the house was on.

"Did you all say what you need to say to her?"

"I don't have anything to say." Tavin answered honestly although he was visibly shaken up.

"Alex?"

"He did."

"You?"

Jay nodded. "Julia's gonna-"

She's going to see what the hell she's done. She's going to face it and she's going to live with it and she's going to watch her body burn. She is responsible for this..."Help me, yes."

Jay opened his mouth to speak and Chess cut him off. "Defend her and I will shoot you."

"I just wanted to know where you're going?"

"The cabin." He answered. "Did anyone tell Jody?" Tavin and Jayson didn't respond. "I will. He was close to her."

"I want to go." Jay said through red, puffy eyes.

"No, Jayson." Tavin answered for Chess. "You don't need to see that, no."

"Take Caroline with her."

It's not your fucking loss. It's not our loss. It's mine. I will clean this mess up with person responsible for it. "I will."

He turned from them and walked upstairs as calmly as he ever walked. He was angry, not sad or emotional. Julia sat on the side of the bed and she looked at herself. Cool skin, blue lips, empty eyes. She had already felt for the pulse that wasn't present. She held her own hand and she cried quietly. "I haven't turned yet." She said, her voice a whisper. He set the bag down on the floor and he knelt beside the bed. Cold as ice, Chess took her hands and bound them. He crossed her ankles and he bound them. He pulled a roll of duct tape from his bag and he tore off a piece big enough to cover her mouth. "But-"

"She'll bite." He said calmly. "Jesus Christ, babe, think."

Julia held her own hand and she looked at the stone tattoo. She left the ring on her finger. When he untucked the sheets from the bed, she stood up and he rolled and tucked till her body was wrapped tight and then they stood staring at her. He glanced at the clock. "We gotta get outta here." He said. "Thank God it's the middle of the night."

He lifted Julia up and he carried her outside to the truck and slid her into the rear and set her on the floor. No one was in the kitchen when they passed through and they didn't tell anyone they were leaving.

Chess handed her his cell. "Call Jody."

"Now?"

"Yes, now."

"And tell him what?"

"The fucking truth."

Julia hit send as they exited onto 222 north to make their way to the turnpike. Jody didn't answer, so she texted him to call when he got the message. As the sun rose and Chess marked his 25th hour being awake, he turned the truck off the turnpike and followed signs to Christmas Lake, pulling up to the cabin a short while later. Neither of them had been at the lake since their weekend and neither mentioned that as Chess removed Julia from the truck and he set her by the fire pit. He took Julia by the arm, realizing she was probably in a state of shock and then set her down with her sister and the cell phone.

"You answer this for Jody or Jesslyn. No one else. Wake me when she turns."

"Sh-should I tell him where we are?"

"Yes. Please. Tell him to call me when he's near home. There's things I want." He said, walking off toward the cabin.

"I'm freezing cold, Chess." She said, her teeth chattering as she spoke.

"I don't care." He replied coldly as she sat in a sundress with a fever as the sun rose above her. But he did care, because he brought her a hoodie from his bag and a pair of pants to pull on. "I love you." He mumbled, walking back to the cabin.

She stared tiredly at the cell as it buzzed in her hand. A half hour after Chess went in to the cabin, Jody called. "Jo." She said, her voice tired and hoarse. "Jody,"

"What's wrong, Julia?"

"Chess said to come here." She gave him the exit for the cabin off the turnpike. "He said call when you're near home, there's things he wants."

"Why are you at a cabin?"

"I can't tell you on the cell phone."

"Is everything ok?"

"N-no. I fucked up, Jody. I-"

"Which Julia is this?"

"Morgan."

"You're with Chess?"

"Uh huh, yeah." She cried.

"Tell me what happened."

"I can't over the cell. Come here, Jo. Call when you're near home. He wants things."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

Julia sat next to her own dead body by a fire pit and she waited an eternity for the turn. She was beginning to doubt she would turn. She spent the time going through the last 24 hours in her head and reminding herself that she was alive somehow. She had survived. "It's what we do. We put our survival before anyone else's." How many times had she tricked death? How many times could she manage to successfully evade the reaper? As she looked over the blue and white striped sheets in front of her, she realized how lucky she was. 9 lives. She thought. A bottle of klonipin and four shots of vodka to chase one beer and that was all she wrote. I should be with Care right now...I should be holding my daughters' hands right now. I should be...dead. Rather permanent adventure she had chosen, thus avoiding the end of the world and more death and killing and watching people die. I don't want to be a witness anymore. I didn't.

"I'm home." He texted her. The message lit bright across the screen and she panicked, hit send and scrambled to her feet as her body jolted to life before her eyes, thrashing and kicking and snarling. She left out a little scream as Jody answered the phone and she stumbled back and fell onto her ass.

"I'm home, Morgan. What's he want?"

"Home where?"

"The house." He answered as she heard the door shut on the car.

"Get out." She yelled. "Jo, get out. Turn around and leave now."

"Awe, come on. I just got here."

"It is an order. Turn around and get out of my house." She said calmly.

"Ok, ok. I stopped to see Tia."

"She is not there." She heard the door close and she heard him walking. He follows orders..."Drive away. I'm gonna put Chess on."

"Ok. I want to know what's going on. I don't like this."

Julia pushed through the door to the cabin and she woke him where he slept on the couch. "Jody."

"You tell him."

"I can't." She shook her head.

He rolled his eyes and snatched the phone from her. He rattled off a list of things he wanted and hung up. "Thanks." He said, handing her the cell. "Has she turned?"

"Yes. Just now. When Jody called."

Chess had had all of two or three hours sleep when he got up and walked out to the fire pit with her. They could hear Julia from the porch. The familiar growl that all zoms had, signaling hunger. He arrived first and he unwrapped her gently. He left the sheets around her open like she'd been un-swaddled. No life in her eyes. No recognition of him. Her mouth remained covered with the silver duct tape, so she couldn't bite or snap. "You're an angry little one." He commented as he smoothed her hair down and he straightened her shirt for her. "Shhh, shh." He hushed her. "I know you're hungry." Julia stood back and watched as he interacted with her. "You, sit down." He ordered. "30 klonipin later. 40 maybe?"

"Bout that." She replied.

"Worth it?"

"Wasn't supposed to be her, Chess." She said as she felt his arm go around her.

"You know, I am glad it wasn't you and I am mad it wasn't you." He told her. "Was it worth it?"

"It would have been. I would have been with Care and Jayla. I would have been at peace. I would not feel like this anymore."

"She told me how you feel. She said that when she gave you light, and obviously not enough, that she got an even exchange of dark. She was funny about it. She said it wasn't a donation, but an exchange."

"I felt fantastic for an hour, then it faded."

"She planned on giving you more light and absorbing the dark. She wanted to take it in small doses, learn to tolerate mental stress like she could tolerate physical stress. I think she admired it about you. The ability to survive and adapt despite all the negativity, put others first, stay strong in the face of adversity and hardship. Blah, blah, blah." He explained. "When we were riding up to Rochester, me and her, she described you to me. Her feelings, the residual that she had taken from you. I don't know why, but I should have realized you were thinking about it then. You were thinking about it when you were sitting with her."

"I was."

"So, it's how you feel all the time?"

"Depends on what she said?" Julia replied, placing her hand over his. He showed her what she had said, watching her sit in the truck and listening to the words being spoken in her own voice. "I feel like this all the time. More so since Caroline died, Chess. Tarin...after Tavin said those mean things. He got this napkin off the table from Jay and he came to me and that one year old understood my pain. He put it on my face and he wiped my tears and said no, no, no, no, no. Like he sees it and no one else did. I'll get over it. I'll deal with it, well I can't."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"How many times can I say the same thing and have no one understand what I am fucking talking about?"

"I understand what you're talking about. I do. You sent me five hours away from you to realize the same fucking thing. No, they were not my children, but they were children. Layla and Kyra were children. I shot two very living and breathing children in the head."

"Welcome to my brain. How many times did I tell all of you to let me die?"

"We do not want that for you or her."

"Who cares? It's my decision."

"You killed her."

"Not on purpose and yes, I did. I took my life. I ended my pain and suffering."

"You started mine." He argued. "Jayson. Did you think about him?"

"He saw the bottle and the lid was off. He took me to bed and told me he loved me and he laid with me while I fell asleep."

Chess sat in stunned silence. "So he wasn't upset because he expected this."

"Yes. He asked if I was sure."

Chess pulled his gun and he aimed it at Julia. He fired a single bullet into her head and her body ceased moving. Her growling voice quieted. Blood oozed from the hole in her head and the skull blew out the back of her head onto the gravel.

Julia jumped beside him, startled at the sudden gun fire. "Damn it, Chess. You scared me."

"Had to do that before Jody got here." He said. He loosened his grip on the weapon and he set it between them. "So, you still wanna die? Remember what happened the last time our asses all died? Where we're going could be a hell of a lot worse than this." He cautioned her that much. "Want me to do it or do you want to? I will put you down. There's a million types of pain and suffering out there." He pointed at zombie Julia. "That's only one of them. So, like I said, are you doing it or am I?"

"No, Chess."

"Why didn't you eat the gun a year ago? Cause you still had hope." He got off the ground as Jody pulled into the drive and parked next to the truck. "Explain this to Jody." He said, tucking his gun against his back.

"Ok. Is that why you didn't shoot me?"

"I am not going to shoot you. For fuck sake."

"What are you doing with me?"

"I honestly have no idea."

Chess met Jo at the car as he got out of the driver seat. "Have a talk with my wife." He took the keys off Jody and opened the trunk of the car. 

Jody looked across the expanse of gravel to the body laying next to the fire pit and the girl sitting next to the body. "Morgan,"

"Jo," She said, her voice hoarse.

"Oh, no. No, no, no. What happened to Morgan?"

"She'll explain." Chess replied as he lifted bags out of the trunk. He carried them away from the car to the cabin and then Jody stood in a state of shock by the car.

Jody eventually made his way to them. One laying dead with a bullet in her head and one crying quietly beside her. He listened as Morgan described her day and her afternoon and her night. He listened as she cried and tried to put words to what she had felt as she took handfuls of small pills and swallowed them with beer. He tried to understand when she said she still felt that way. He held Morgan's small hand in his, the rock on the face of her hand read witness. He rubbed his thumb over the word witness and he could not fathom the taking of one's own life. She had so much to live for and he told her as much.

"You don't understand."

"You are correct. I do not understand any of this, Morgan. She had as much to live for as you. She wanted to live."

"This was not my intention, Jody. I wanted to fall asleep and be with my girls."

"Us? Me and Chess? Jayson and Tavin? The kids?"

"You have her. You didn't need me."

"She's my friend, Julia."

"This is not what I wanted, Jody. I just told you it's not what I wanted."

"Why didn't you call me? Any one of us? You were with Jayson. Why didn't you tell him? Any one of us would have-"

"Jayson understood me for the first time in a long time. It was a sober decision. I was determined. I could go at peace with him or leave and go alone. He wouldn't let me go alone and he couldn't help me. None of you could help me. He understood that."

"Is he going too?"

She shook her head. "He doesn't want to. He appreciates this life. He has learned to appreciate it somehow. I never could. I haven't been able to handle life since I was raped, Jody. His death didn't resolve anything for me whether Jay killed him or someone else did. Nothing made that right. It's an impossibility, then it all unfolded into this. Nothing ever works out and nothing ever resolves, it's a revolving door of madness. I am hurt. I am always hurting."

"Julia, I have seen you hold it together. I have witnessed you strong and sober and loving and all the things you say you are not."

"I thrive in those extreme circumstances. It's a rush. It's the ultimate high. It's the thrill of it. It's an outlet for the rage that I cannot let out here. I can funnel all my anger and my madness into a goal and I don't dwell on the pain, I bring it onto others. I can save those worthy of saving and then eliminate those who do not deserve it." She tried to explain that to him. "It is our job. And I am unemployed."

"Two weeks though, Julia. You would be gainfully employed in two weeks."

"I don't wanna do it anymore either." She responded dully. "Look at my arm. What kind of life is this? This is my out." She cried again. "Look at her back and her arm." She cried, pulling up a sleeve. "Look at us."

"I love this girl next to me in all ways possible and it is not acceptable to live this life without her in it."

"I love you too, Jody. This was not about love or lack of love for anyone in my life." 

"What on earth happens now?" He asked, removing the duct tape from Julia's mouth and then removing the bindings from her wrists and ankles. He covered her with the sheet and stood up.

"Leave me your weapon, Mayers."

"Absolutely not."

"She was innocent, Jody. She didn't do anything wrong. I have. Do I live with the fact I took another soul from this place and these people?  " She asked, rising to her feet behind him. "They think I am dead, Jo. Am I supposed to live as Julia Fry and pretend nothing happened? I still live with these thoughts and this guilt?"

"I don't know, Morgan."

"Jody, please." She screamed at him.

"We don't kill the living."

"Unless they deserve it." She spat back at him. "Do I not deserve this?" She asked. "Jody!" 

Chess dialed Jayson and when he answered, he explained the course of events that took place that morning. He had brought Julia to the cabin. They waited for her to turn, which she did do many hours after her original death. Chess fired a single bullet through her head and she was at rest. Rather than being emotional or breakdown or cry, Jayson sounded relieved. "Thank you." 

"Are you Ok, Jayson?"

"No. I am not Ok. No, no. I don't have words for how I am right now. But I love her and I understand her decision. How did you know?"

"Julia said a dream."

"Ok. She didn't want anyone intervening though."

"I actually think I understand this." Chess said solemnly. 

Jay ended that phone call as simply and as easily as Julia had ended her life.

Chess plugged the charger into the cell and he fought off the tears that would come when he was alone. He was startled as Jody came into the cabin. The wooden door made noise as it closed against the frame.

"What-" Jody started to speak but he couldn't find the words. He sat in the chair at the end of the sofa and he held his head in his hands. "What just happened?" He asked despite the fact Julia had explained this ordeal to him.

"Jo, I am going to be completely honest with you." Chess replied. "I have no fucking clue."

"What do you want me to do?"

"You are here to keep me from killing her. That's your goal. I will let you know when the desire to kill her passes."

"That's not funny."

"I am not joking."

"Gimme the gun?" He suggested.

Chess complied, setting his weapon on the coffee table next to his feet. "You won't let me hurt her."

"I will not."

"I nearly shot her. I put her down instead." Chess sighed, wiping his tears from his cheeks.

"Jayson agreed to this." He said quietly.

"Jody, leave me alone, please."

"I'm sorry, Chess."

"Yep, I need to think."

Chess thought himself back to sleep.

Julia laid at the fire pit on gravel she didn't feel and slept with her head on Jody's hoodie as a pillow.

He woke to the smell of the grill and food cooking. Jody must have gotten hungry, used some of the supplies he brought on the way to the cabin. Sleeping off problems always seemed to help him and he woke with a fresh mind and a tired body. He hadn't had a night like that since his days on incidents. Misery and long hours. He could fix his train of thought with ample rest and then refocus once he awoke.

The hard part had been accomplished. The decision had been made. He chose his wife and he always would choose his wife. He walked to the fire pit, the gravel crunching beneath his feet and he looked at identical bodies beneath him. There were few ride or dies left for her. He left her rest. Sometimes a good night's sleep made all the difference in the world and maybe when she woke up, reality would set in. It wouldn't be a dream and then she'd understand or think differently or change the view she had. He honestly had no idea what he was going to do with her? Take her back to Jay, explain this madness and move on? Should he let Jody run with her or should she stick with him. Anyway the game played out, she'd need eyes on her till this depression passed. A depression that medication couldn't help, a desperation that she could not resolve. The last option would be to allow her to finish the task she'd started and burn two bodies before the night ended. That decision would not be left with her. Was the decision on his shoulders and should he have any right to make that decision? He knew that he had spent time and money to keep her alive at the end because the woman had purpose.

He and Jody ate in silence and she aroused when they were finishing up. He made her a plate and then brought her to the table to eat near the grill and they sat in more morbid silence. She stared at her plate and she couldn't look at either of them. She had no words. She felt numb and sad. On top of that, the guilt for taking out Julia Fry and causing Chess's hurt and sadness overwhelmed her.

"Turn it off, Julia." He said as he saw the tears again.

She was silent and she tried to turn it off. She tried to act as if the tears weren't there. The three sat still and quietly tried to process what happened. They'd yet to come up with a solution, but the incident of her own making hadn't completely been resolved. A body lay in sheets by the pit. Ashes to ashes...Chess thought as he looked across the yard to the pit.

""Does she die?" Chess announced. Julia was startled by his voice and jumped a little.

"No." Jody stated.

"No." Chess stated. He glanced across the picnic table to her. "We have heard your arguments, the answer is no." He paused before he asked the next question, knowing he was still on the fence in regards to her life. "An eye for an eye. Should we kill her?"

"No." Jody raised his voice.

"Yes." Julia answered. "If you killed a member of my family, then yes, I advocate violence. You do not kill a member of my family and walk away." 

"These are special circumstances. I vote no."

"She was expendable?" Julia asked Jody.

"Julia, no. That is not what I am saying. I am saying you are valuable, not that she was expendable." Chess argued. "Do you think I like this? What the fuck do we do? Cause I don't fucking know. I am trying to rationalize this."

"Just shoot me and burn me along with her. You cannot control me once we leave here. You have no control over what I say or do. I have-" Julia quieted, tiring of advocating for her death. She felt Chess's eyes burning into her and she knew what he was thinking before she could object. There was no withdrawing that statement. She had sealed her own fate.

"Oh, yes. I believe I do." He stood from his seat and he gathered the trash from their meal.

"Chess, please do not consider it."

"I don't know if I want it." He snapped at her over his shoulder as he dropped the trash into the fire pit.

"What are you talking about?" Jody asked.

"It's genius and I should have done it months ago. Why I didn't is beyond me." He looked directly at the body that lay on the ground in sheets. He could not appreciate the peace she sought. What was peace? Internal or external peace. "Jo, do you want to leave or do you want to watch her burn?"

"What are we doing with Julia?"

Chess crossed back to the picnic table and he reached in his pocket. He set the ring on the table in front of her.

"Chess, do not do it." She whined.

"Put your fucking ring on, Mrs. Morgan." He said calmly. "I rescind." He watched as she put the ring on her finger. Her entire posture changed and her mood along with it. "Turn off those tears."

"Yes, Chess." She replied, wiping her eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie.

His focus turned to Jody. "Problem?"

"No."

"Got any better ideas right now? Say the word."

Jody couldn't think of an answer quick enough.

"If this is a problem, let me know now."

"What about the truth, Chess? Honesty and all."

"No lies in the family, Jody, but secrets are an entirely different story." Julia offered him that much as an excuse for the lie. He'd heard it before. Tia had told him the exact same thing.

"Same function, same respect, same everything. Her role doesn't change. Julia is Julia."

"She'll need to tone it down a little, soften around the edges."

"She will."

"Do you agree with this?" Jody asked her, looking over Chess's head.

Julia opened her mouth to speak, but Chess intervened. "Do not answer that." Chess stated.

"Are you staying for the burn?" He asked as he crossed to Julia Morgan's body. He hated the burn, but this burn was necessary. He had taken this responsibility and he would see it through, releasing Julia Fry's essence and soul into the sky above them, returning the energy into the universe from which it came.

"We bury our dead." Julia spoke up, rising from the table.

"Julia Fry would want to be released." Jody said, approaching Chess and standing at his side.

"She liked watching the burn. The funeral for those who had no one to claim them."

Chess picked up the gas can at the foot end of the body and then doused her. He lit a single match and then dropped it onto the striped sheets. Julia joined them quietly standing to the side of them and she watched Julia Fry's release.

"I'm sorry." She said, her voice hoarse, and choking up.

Chess took her hand as the three stood witness for Julia Fry. "You may cry."

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN-SISTERS

"What the fuck, Chess." Jayson complained.

"It's Julia Fry." His voice shook a bit. She was the last living person on earth he expected to see. Sure, a dream is one thing, but Julia Fry's presence would complicate everything. Pulling him into her world through sleep made walking away from her easy. He could separate one world from another easily.

"Chess, I'll take that 15 grand now." Tavin announced behind him.

"No, Jules is in rehab." He said over his shoulder. "This is Julia Fry." He explained. They all knew who she was. Introductions were not necessary. He went to her, considering he was the one she wanted. She stood there in that white nighty that he had Julia wearing at the hotel. That short, white number with the matching panties. Where on earth had she found it and why was she wearing it? He embraced her, kept his body against hers. He pulled back and he held her arm, looking over the left forearm for the claw marks. He even had to make sure this was Fry.

"So many strange things have happened, Chess." She breathed as she pulled her arm away and hugged him. She wore that little white outfit, the one from the hotel, the little slip of a nighty soft against his hands as he held onto her. When she reached to kiss him, the material lifted and revealed the matching panties from beneath the fabric of the nighty. "Have you seen Julia? She knows more about this than I do."

"I saw her, yes."

"Why are you wearing this?"

"It's all she had upstairs, Chess. It's cute. I am covered."

"Not enough. You do not walk around like this, no matter how cute you are."

"Yes, Chess."

"Jay, she have any clothes left here?" He said as he draped a throw blanket around her shoulders. He sat Julia Fry on the sofa. He saw Jayson's eyes looking over her as she waited on the sofa. One more woman and one more problem. "I guess you weren't a dream, then." He said, kneeling in front of her. "There's a lot we need to talk about and there's a lot going on. I need to bring you up to speed, Miss."

"Um, some stuff in the basement. I boxed it up when she left."

"Can you find her something more appropriate?" He asked seriously.

"I wanna go home, Chess."

"Yep. I bet you do. As do I. We will and soon." He swiveled to look at Jay who hadn't moved. "Clothes, Jay. In the basement." He stood and Jayson took him down the basement, crossing Alex's mess to the few boxes of Julia's belongings. Chess opened a box and found some clothes that would manage to cover her if only over night and then he'd worry about her fashion sense in the morning. He rummaged through the box and pulled out a couple cami's. A pair of denim shorts that were still too small and revealing for his taste. 

He and Jay maneuvered back through Alex's disaster area to the stairs. "I'll show you. You'll see it's not her." As they went back to her, Chess took the throw blanket off her body and he held out her arm, clearly showing them scars that Julia hadn't had before. He turned her arm over and she had no puncture marks over her veins. Chess turned her body and revealed the scarring over her left shoulder blade.

"Go change clothes. I have tees in my bag. Put one over that cami."

"K, Chess." She called, scurrying up the steps to the second floor of the house.

He waited till Julia cleared the room and he looked at his cousins. "That is Julia Fry."

"Where did she come from?" Tavin asked.

"The flip side?" He replied, opening his beer.

One more time he had to sit down with Julia Fry and explain the way the worlds worked. There's this world, reality, and there's that world, an alternate version of same reality. Both very real and true depending upon which side you walked. Sometimes people walked both worlds and sometimes the opposite happened. Drawing comparisons for her regarding piggybacking in Philadelphia as an explanation of how things work was wearing thin.

"This does not make me feel any better." Julia yelled at him.

"What do you think I can do about it though? It is what it is." He replied as simple an explanation as he could drum up with such short notice. "Think if I had known you would wind up here next to me that I would have acted as I have? Julia, there was no way I could have known you'd cross over."

"You have been so grossly unfaithful to me, Chester Morgan." She hissed at him.

"Not at home. You lived that, Julia, as much as I did."

Chess had grown tired of groveling and explaining. He'd only been at it for an hour or so, detailing the life he lived between Maverick, Philadelphia and his home in Maryland. He came and went as he pleased, answered to no one. Julia's appearance had made it such that he had to answer for himself and his actions. 

"Well, Miss Fry." He sighed aloud. "What's it gonna be, babe?"

She slapped him hard across his face. "Babe." She hissed at him. "Babe." She repeated slightly dumbfounded by his ease with all the matters at hand. The drugs, the guns, the relations he had resumed in Philadelphia since being discharged from the service. "Babe, you are not the man I know." She yelled, then slapped him again.

He reminded himself that no Chess in any world lays a hand on a female, especially the red head, in anger. "Cry baby." He heckled her.

She shoved him. "I am cutting you off." She said angrily.

"Ok." He replied, seeing he had no choice in the matter. He remembered back to the sight of her on the sofa. He had been so excited, so happy to see her. He still felt similar. Her jealousy and her anger didn't surprise him much either. He understood that and he had first hand experience with betrayal. When the situations were reversed, he was expected to live with it and deal with it. It always came down to what Julia wanted. "I find that it's best to be up front where things like this are concerned." He'd learned his lesson as the other's had learned their lessons.

"Up front." She repeated as she paced. "A baby, Chess." She said under her breath as she was still processing all that he'd told her. "With Jesslyn of all people."

"Yep."

She punched him this time. A hard punch at that. She had been learning, had put her body weight, what there was of it, into that fist. "Yep." She mocked him. "I cannot put into words how angry I am with you." She paced, small feet on a carpet in Tavin's living room across from that sofa where she landed out of whatever time frame she came from. "And you act like none of this is a big deal. How can you act like none of this is a big deal?"

At least she wasn't crying. He didn't like crying and fussing. Anger was good, had her focused. He felt it best not to respond to her. She was baiting him. She wanted to hit him again and she looked for a reason at that moment. 

"Answer me."

"You're using me as a punching bag, so I will not dignify you with anymore answers. Julia, you need to walk away and cool off."

She didn't like it when the shoe was on the other foot, but he also wasn't dealing with the original who would some how understand the mess she walked in on. Julia Morgan would have walked in, staked a claim, made everyone aware and she would have called it a day. This one wasn't used to the madness of living in two worlds, she only came from one world, didn't jump back and forth all the damn time. She placed her hand on the lamp.

"Do not throw that, Julia."

Too late, too bad as it flew across the room toward him. She caught him on the shoulder as he moved from the flying object. The lamp hit the wall, knocking pictures down and some askew, swinging on their nails. She crossed the room and picked the lamp up and she proceeded to hit him with it repeatedly till he had enough and caught her wrist before she nailed him in the chest with it.

"I am trying really fuckin hard not to hit you back." He told her calmly as she sat across his legs. When she punched him in the balls, he forgot all about that lamp.

Jay chose to intervene before she beat him to death. Jayson had her by her pony tail and yanked her to her feet. "You. Stop." He ordered. He looked at Chess, holding his groin. He took the lamp off her and restrained her, pinning her arms down. She struggled nonetheless. "Stop, Julia." He said again. He shoved her toward the door. "Take it outside before you destroy the place." Julia pushed the front door open and stomped outside. Jay looked down at Chess. "Do this a lot, Chess?"

"Never." He groaned.

"You just gonna let her hit you?"

"Ugh, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Doesn't hurt much. Like being hit by a little kid."

"An angry little kid." Jay mumbled. "Need back up, marine?" Jay asked as he head back to the steps.

"Nah."

"Why don't you just come upstairs and leave her alone with her craziness?"

"Huh?"

"Where's she gonna go?"

Chess sat himself up and gathered his composure. Julia poked her head back in the door. "Where does that little whore live?" She asked, stepping inside.

"She doesn't know who the hell you are."

"The hell she doesn't, Chess." Julia argued. She looked at Jay. "You know who I am, right?"

"Yes." Jay replied sleepily, swishing his hair back over his shoulders.

"You remember all the good things we did. You brought me here, Jayson."

"Uh, Julia, I didn't. It's not that easy. It's not-"

"When's the last time you saw Julia?"

"Yesterday."

"Where?"

Jay climbed up a couple steps.

"Where?" She screamed at him.

"Which where are you talking about? Here, in my room, or there, in this kitchen at that counter talking about Caroline?" He asked, pointing across the first floor to the counter. "Either way, Julia, no one expected you to be here. I didn't and he didn't. Our Julia is in rehab. You, you're a girl who exists in a dream. You shouldn't be here at all. How did you get here? You connected to someone? You found their energy in a dream?" He sighed, climbing back upstairs. "I am sick of both you, all your fucking energy and excuses and problems. Keep your fucking hands to yourself."

"Rehab?" Julia asked Chess.

"Yeah. It's been a long fucking day, Julia, and I didn't get to that part yet."

"Where does that whore live?"

"Jess is not a whore, Julia, and I will not take you to my pregnant...friend so you can harm her."

"Some best friend she is." Julia muttered, sitting on the sofa. She put her head in her hands. "I will never trust another female." Julia didn't start crying at that point, rather, she pulled herself together and calmed a little. "Ever. And when I see her, you better bet I will have my say, Chess Morgan." She stomped toward the steps.

"Where ya going?"

"I'm gonna go to sleep."

"Where?"

"Tatia's room. If you think I will spend a night in Alexander's messy basement, then you have another thing coming."

Julia waited nervously by the meeting room doors. On a Sunday morning mid July, her nerves were wrecked. The second Sunday that had passed. Three weeks she had spent in this rehab and she felt better. She felt normal, forced to think and feel and talk. Rehab was a very structured routine. It took a couple days to get into the swing of things, but she caught on to the idea of creating a routine, sticking with it. Every activity funneled these people toward a goal of sobriety, talking it out and setting goals. Create the plan, follow the plan and achieve a goal, then start again. Every plan should be a positive plan with an attainable goal.

Julia had been educated on sobriety, had dabbled in working the steps in the past. Like Tavin said, it was what worked for the person. Not every treatment program is the same. She had read the literature, she had been on web sites and she had even made herself a notebook a long time ago. She knew how to get sober and stay sober, it was the desire to do it that she lacked. As she detoxed, which was most unpleasant, she declined any intervention short of hydration. She refused to be sedated through the infancy of the zombie apocalypse. Her chances of running sick were better than her chances of running sedated. Sick, she had a clear mind. Sedated, she would be in a fog. She would die, and that was the realization that she would choose to live in pain than die high. Her use suddenly made absolutely no sense. Whoever had intervened for her and sent her into that rehab had done her a favor.

That early on she had no idea where she was, all she saw was the four walls of a bathroom and she didn't come out for 48 hours. 

About a week into treatment when she sat in the TV room watching the news with all the other addicts, she realized that she was no happier high than she was sober. Drugs only made reality worse, not better. And her use affected more than her no matter how solitary she had been when she was using. Reality was on the news. Incidents were cropping up everywhere and not only in the city of brotherly love. Further south in Wilmington, Delaware and beyond that into Baltimore and DC. The news was on more than normal day time TV, and everyone was talking about it. This infection was creeping up the coast, north, out of the DC metropolitan area. It was gradually gaining momentum.

The fact that she had been placed into a healthcare facility during the earliest days of the infection frightened her.

As she became more sober, her mind coming back gradually like a rebooted computer, she created plan B. She knew the exits. She watched staff come and go. She knew that she would need a staff ID card to travel from unit to unit and then to the exit. She sat in the garden during the day and she listened to traffic, determined that she was near two things, a main road in the distance and a rail road. She heard the train horn. Stay off main roads... Her eyes scanned the environment for what she could use as a weapon should it come down to it. Garden tools...wooden furniture on the patio. She placed objects, had procured the sharpest garden tool she could find and buried it in the garden beneath the rose bush. She spent her spare time looking out windows. She studied the campus from all angles, watching cars and people come and go. She sat and observed her fellow lost causes and there was no one she could confide these thoughts to.

She assessed her fellow addicts, which one was from the local area and she had found him. She befriended Todd. Todd would know exactly where they were and which road they were on and how to get the hell off campus to the main road and probably that railroad. So she sat and she made friends with Todd. She had no map, then Todd would be her map. In fact, with Todd, they could make it out of there on foot, possibly a vehicle if they could manage one and off they'd go. She'd separate when necessary...and go where? 

A few more days she would be a free woman. She watched as addicts mingled with family members. A half hour into a two hour family day visitation and she waited on the off chance that someone would arrive to visit.

"No one here yet?" She heard a voice behind her. Todd.

"No. It's ok." She replied, looking over her shoulder. "I didn't expect anyone."

"Why ya standing there then?" He asked her over his daughter's head. She lay across his chest, sound asleep. Todd's mother had gone for a cup of coffee and a donut from the snack table with his son, Andy. "Like a Walmart greeter."

"Kinda."

"You can sit with us. Tired of listening to my mom nag me."

Julia left her spot by the door and she went and sat with Todd and baby Gina. 6 months old and knocked out. Gina's mother, Todd's ex, wasn't going to visit. She allowed Todd's mom to bring the kids to visit. Julia sat with his family for about 20 minutes, exchanged pleasantries and then excused herself to go back to her room. She was dying for a cigarette and thought about asking for one, but she had bummed enough through her stay. She had only been in her room 10 minutes when the knock came on her door. She had a visitor. Jayson's visit caught her by surprise. Who else did she have? She doubted he had her placed there, but if there was a hanger on, a clinger, it would be him. In the end, it always came down to him. She stood in front of him nervously. Facing him sober and medicated scared her.

He pointed at her. "What happened to your hair?" He asked as he stood across the room and observed a Julia minus two feet of red locks. He hadn't seen her with a short little pixie cut since she was twelve.

She touched her hair, running her fingers through it. "Time for a change, I suppose." She replied as she stepped forward. She smiled a genuine smile. A warm and true smile, not one for his benefit. "Hi, Jay."

"Hi." He smiled as he hugged her. He said nothing for what seemed a long time, just enjoying her against him.

"Gonna tell me you don't feel anything, Jayson?"

"I won't be saying that to you again. No." He separated from her, taking her hand and letting her lead him through the meeting room to the French doors that opened onto a garden, a mix of veggies and flowers. She sat with him on a bench on a stone patio in the middle of the garden.

"I like sitting out here." She told him as she leaned and picked a rose from the bush to the right of her. She inhaled its scent, so very different from store bought flowers. "When I got here, my first night. I bummed a smoke and the doc let me out here. I was a mess and I saw this garden and these flowers. Such beautiful roses."

"They are."

"I could have left after three days." She said as Jay took the rose from her. He plucked the thorns from its stem. "I chose to stay."

"Why?"

"Felt like it was time. Mind telling me how I got here? Who is paying for this?"

"Chess." He replied. "You know who Julia Fry is?"

"Looking at her."

"Haven't seen her in a long time. I miss her." He said, placing the dethorned rose behind her ear. "However, the Julia I am talking about has a huge chunk of scarred flesh on her back and claw marks on her left forearm instead of track marks."

Julia slid her sleeve over her arm and let him see she had healed. "They are gone." She said.

"For how long?"

"As long as I choose." She answered, sliding her sleeve back in place. "Julia, yes, she's his girlfriend. She makes him smile on the inside. Blah."

"She is home."

"Ok, can you do me a favor?"

"Sure, what, babe?"

"Tell him he is not my husband anymore and to marry his fuckin wife. You know, while he can. Then we'll call this even." Jay laughed, but he agreed, seeing she was serious.

"How about Mrs. Keller? Can you be Mrs. Keller, please?"

"If that's a proposal, you suck, man." She giggled as she stood up.

"Answer the question. Will you be Mrs. Keller?" He asked, seated on the bench and staring up at her.

He held her hands tight in his.

"Yeah, of course." She replied, pulling him to his feet. "But I got a few issues."

"I'm painfully aware of all your outstanding issues."

She wrapped her arms around his waist and looked up at his big brown eyes. She'd looked into those eyes a thousand times over the years, maybe more. "Thought you didn't want anything to do with me anymore?"

"Did you get the help you need?"

"I think so." She answered, looking around the garden. "I'll be ok. I have done this before. I have been through this very same thing before."

"There is nothing I will not understand or help you through. Julia, how many times do I need to say it before you believe me?"

Jay held her there in the garden till the visitation day hours ended. She walked with him to the visiting room and then left him go from there.

She got to see and hold Jayson and wondered for an instant if he would allow her to come home. She hadn't bothered him through the weeks she spent at rehab. She had her counseling and she said the right answers at the right time and she did give thought to her problems in the privacy of her own mind. There was only so much she could say when it came to her life and her issues. Zombies couldn't truly figure into to the framework of her recovery. Zombie baby couldn't either. The death of her daughter was a factor in her drug and alcohol use. She hadn't mentioned it in group yet, but the doc had brought it up in their private session. She hadn't been aware that anyone had been made aware of Caroline. "Her name is Caroline August Keller and I had her prematurely. She tried to breathe and could not. She died a few minutes after birth." Which was true. Elaborating on the events that followed Caroline Keller's birth and death would have only brought on another diagnosis or two and have her possibly drugged with more meds she didn't want or need. "I do not wish to speak about her." Julia said, but the subject of loss and dealing with loss as an addict ironically had come up in the next group meeting. Loss, Julia had been an expert on the subject.

"Have you lost anyone?"

"Yes." She replied when asked.

"Who?"

"My, um, mom died when I was 14. Breast cancer." Julia answered.

"How did that affect your use?"

"I didn't use then." She answered. She didn't but she had started to use after it. That was where it began, though. "Drugs were gross back then. I wasn't even much of a pot smoker or drinker. We did it for fun back then."

"When did it become a problem?"

None of your fuckin business..."After I was raped." Zombies...she thought quietly. A house behind a fence. I became an alcoholic. A farmhouse. I became a worse alcoholic. Philadelphia, I became a drug user.

"Did you get counseling?"

"Not the first time, no. Second time, yes." A suicide attempt, I became an addict with Macy and Chess and I hit bottom with Tavin. "I stopped using when I got counseling and meds and I relapsed after Caroline died."

"Who is Caroline?"

"Care's my daughter. I had her last August. She was premature. Um, I was 6 months pregnant when, uh, she died a few minutes after she was born." On Jayson's birthday. "August 15th."

"They couldn't save her." Someone said.

"No." She heard a handful of people say sorry.

"How did you deal with her loss?"

"I lost it. I couldn't."

"Were you using while you were pregnant?"

"No." Julia shook her head. "Absolutely not. No."

"Was that her dad that visited today?"

"Yes." Julia answered.

"Does he use?"

"No." She answered. "I do. He never...no."

"How did he deal with losing Caroline?"

"I don't know." He had to end her when she came back. They had talked about it. It wasn't his fault or her fault or anyone's fault. People die. Sometimes children die. It is a fact of life. Her life and Jay's life. "You'd have to ask him."

"How could you have better handled that loss?"

"I should have stuck a gun in my mouth." She replied, leaning back in her seat. She stared at her hands in her lap. Losing a parent is one thing. Losing a child, watching it happen...no more questions. She shut down as opposed to opening up. Whatever conversation went on during the meeting, she heard none of it.

Seeing her sitting alone at dinner, Todd joined her. He didn't say anything to her and let her alone in her thoughts, but she caught the drift. She was not alone. If she wanted to talk, she could. He followed her from meal time to down time, watching news reports on TV as another incident occurred at a Philly hospital. 

"You alright?"

Julia smiled and looked across the space between them on the couch. Zombies...she thought. "Sky is falling." She told him. "Are you prepared?" Julia rose from her end of the couch and scooted out of the room.

"Ok, shorty. So when's the world ending?" He followed her through the TV room and to her room. None of the staff had observed this as mostly they played on their cell phones this late at night.

"Next month." She answered. "You are not supposed to be back here."

"I know that. Should I leave?" He asked, leaning comfortably in her doorway.

"What do you think?"

"I think I could close this door and no one would know or care if we're in here." He replied.

Oh, my God...she thought to herself. Can't escape this shit in rehab either, I guess. "I feel like shit."

"What with the world ending and all."

"Pretty much feel this way when the world's not ending, Todd." She answered, looking past him into the hall. He was tall enough to fill the length of the doorway. His lanky frame covered in a white tee and sweats.

"Miss your girl?" She asked.

"Miss your boyfriend?" He responded quickly.

"This why you're split up? Cause I don't get the feeling that it's alcohol that ruined the relationship."

"You're pretty smart. Huh? Should I close the door or leave?"

Well, universe? She waited a moment and wondered whether the universe would send her a signal. When she heard the glass shattering, she decided. "Come in and close the door." Newest patient down the hall was flipping out and the smartest thing to do was enter and close the door. She wasn't getting involved and neither was he. Julia could feel the butterflies moving in her stomach as the screaming and crying started. "Lights out, keep quiet." She suggested as she looked out her window. "Shit's about to go down."

She had her plan B ready. Her map stood across from her in a dark room. She would know when. She would sense when. And she would take Todd with her if it got that far. Perhaps that patient was only flipping out and perhaps her gut instinct told her otherwise. Either way, she was not wasting time and energy on drug addicts and alcoholics. Authorities were at the ready for this type of incident nowadays.

Whose idea was this to lock me into a medical facility a couple months before the fall of society? My ex-husband. She said to herself from her window. "Some sorta test, Lord?" She asked as she gazed at the night sky.

"Growling. I hear growling." Todd sounded like a scared child. He crept quietly away from the door.

Fuckin pussy...Julia moaned internally. She turned from the window. Zoms don't turn door knobs. She straddled the chair by her window and watched and waited. The zoms would beat down the fuckin door...

She and Todd had a long night ahead. They both sat quietly in Julia's room and as the unit full of recovering addicts fell into turmoil, they waited it out till the flashing light's reflection could be seen on the garden and the rear of the facility grounds. They waited through shouts of 'clear', 'clear', 'clear' and they watched the clock tick minutes till they reached her room and a man in SWAT gear aimed a weapon at them. A red beam of light shined on their foreheads as they stood with their hands up.

"Y'all alright?" He toted the latest zombie hunting and killing rifle available. No audible gunshots had been heard on the unit that night.

Whoosh-whoosh..."Yes. Been in here waiting for you."

"Gonna wait even longer. Building's not clear yet."

"Call Cookie Fields please. She's the liaison of...public relations specialist liaison to the Marine Corps division..." The door slammed shut and the marine stood guard outside of it. Julia managed to rest a little easier as the marine dressed in SWAT gear armed with an automatic rifle stood watch outside her door. "Go to sleep, Todd."

Julia motioned to the bed against the wall opposite hers. She had no roommate. Chess's 15 grand bought her some privacy. The accommodations weren't that bad till the patient Z down the hall acted up. A couple hours passed and the marine outside her door woke her by knocking loudly. He held a cell toward her. "Ma'am. Cookie Fields."

"Julia, you were in the middle of this?" She yelled. "You did nothing to assist?"

"Get me the fuck outta here."

"I'm on my way. I am finishing up an incident in Philly."

"Get me out of here." Julia repeated loudly, then hung up on her. She handed the cell back to the marine. "Thanks, Giles." She stated as she read the marine's name off his uniform. She turned on her side and closed her eyes to go back to sleep. She had kept one man alive to see another day. Before she fell asleep, she reminded Todd. "You saw nothing. You heard screams but you think it is a patient that went crazy. We hid in here together and we are fucking scared."

"I am scared."

"They are SWAT. Understood, Todd?"

"Yes. I understand."

Todd saw flames light up outside and he moved to see what the fire was. They're burning them... "Todd. If you wanna live through this, you need to lay down and go to sleep. You witnessed nothing."

"How do you know-"

"Know what? This isn't happening."

Julia had good reason to hole up in that room without setting foot outside of it with Todd. She didn't need Todd being a hero. She could have taken that whole mess on head first, but she wasn't stupid. The government was not about to entertain her one more time and the simpler that night was for her, the better. She kept her map alive and in the dark until they were rescued by SWAT. She followed directions like she had been instructed to do when she left the Pentagon after being debriefed. She had a clear set of boundaries in which to stay. The military didn't play. She would also not be their hero. She would not take any form of congratulations or thank you's from them. She would not be their pawn in their zombie game. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Fuck evil all the way around. It cost lives and it caused more problems and it overworked a tired crew of men, but she wasn't playing their game.

Morgan, Julia. 022695. Pennsylvania, original infantry...she said in her mind.

Keller, Julia...022695...Pennsylvania, original infantry. That had a ring to it alright. "I just wanna go home to Jayson." She said to Todd. "I just wanna go home to Jayson."

The response team had reacted quickly and the threat had been eliminated and removed. The solace of her garden outside her first floor window was ruined. Trampled and broken and burned. She sat on her desk and she looked over the yard with a profound sadness. In a month the entire world would look like that garden.

Cook arrived to the room and she was startlingly different in appearance. "Where's the pantsuit and heels, woman?"

"In my closet." She replied as she stood in black khaki's and a black tee. She had her vest holster, was carrying again. She wore boots, worn ones. She had heeded Mr Morgan's words of wisdom. "A word." She cocked her head to the side and indicated it was cool to step out. "There's a lot of questions."

"That's fine." Julia replied, sliding on her Nike's. "I used the utmost fucking discretion with my friend Todd." Julia added as she walked out with Cookie. Julia stood at Cookie's side and endured several interviews of what transpired. "I was not involved. I remained in my room until the marine arrived and then further sequestered us inside till the all clear."

"Mr MacArthur?"

"I kept him in with me, hidden, until the team arrived, Sir." Julia showed respect to the brass and she was treated with it as well. Be polite, Mrs. fucking Morgan. Be respectful, Mrs. fucking Morgan..."I used the utmost discretion where Todd is concerned and I understand full well this is a national security issue." The brass in front of her was worn out and appeared tired like the rest of his men.

"How is Mr Morgan?"

"I have not seen him since last year, Sir. You would need to inquire that of him."

"Free to go." He said to Cook. "MacArthur's statement matches hers."

"Yes, Sir. Thank you, Sir." Cocksucker...Julia screamed in her head.

"Chess is here for you." Cookie stated as she stepped along the confines of the main entrance. She pushed the door open and held it for Julia.

"See you in a couple months, if you live that long."

"Same. If you live that long." 

Julia watched Chess talk with his former fellow marines as she crossed the lot to him. Julia said nothing to him as she waited about 20 feet from them. She was patient and she allowed him to catch up with his buddies. But he didn't need the time, because he still saw the majority of his team through Ben. They still had poker night. Drink night. Bar night and whatever other night they could think up. As the incidents multiplied, they saw each other less though. Julia saw more marines moving out of the corner of her eye and turned away from Chess and his reunion. She walked cautiously at first across the lot a bit and then stopped, adjusting her eyes to the sun in her face. She was sure a minute ago that she'd seen him and then she heard his voice, she knew it 100%.

"Got a problem there?" He asked.

"Why's there a team here from New York?" She asked him, sounding accusing for some reason. She realized Masters had no idea who she was or why she cared if there was a New York team in her back yard. There was no indication that they were even from New York state. She changed her attitude quick. "Thanks for all you do, gentlemen. Keeping us safe and all."

"You're welcome, ma'am." Masters replied.

"Julia Morgan, Sir." She smiled, thinking she must have appeared crazy. "See you in the future, Sir."

"Julia Morgan. Aspiring SWAT are you?"

"No, I am not aspiring SWAT." She replied quickly, reaching from habit for her gun if only to rest her hand. No gun. You have no gun. No gun on you.

She heard Chess calling her from across the lot and she stepped back.

"You look familiar."

"You know us redheads, Masters. We all look alike."

"Julia." Chess called, arriving to her side to retrieve her. "Hey, let's go."

"Yeah, sure." She said softly, turning and walking away from the New York team. She looked back and didn't recognize anyone else. "You know who that was?" She asked as Chess opened the truck door. "Why is New York in Pennsylvania?" She asked annoyed.

"I don't know him and I don't know." He replied as he closed her in. He walked around and climbed in the driver's side. "So who is he?" Chess asked, strapping in. He motioned to her seat belt.

"Masters." She replied. "He's outta New York."

Chess only shook his head as he drove away. "So how was rehab?"

"Rehab was rehab." She paused, looking both ways with him as he pulled onto the road. "Jay visited me yesterday."

"I had Julia accidentally drop the name of the rehab and that family day was Sunday."

"Thanks a lot, Chess."

"Are you being serious or are you being a smart ass?"

"I'm being serious." She replied, propping her feet on the dashboard. "Thanks for coming to get me. Hey, can I have a cigarette? And I am thirsty, so can we stop somewhere? I would love some coffee too." She announced as she ran her hands through her hair. "Oh, look there's a Wawa. Can we stop, Chess? Please."

Chess switched lanes and turned left when he could and pulled into the convenience store lot. "Are you going to run?"

"No." She replied. "Run where?"

"You tell me."

"Gonna run to the fuckin counter and get some coffee. I would like orange juice." She replied as she unhooked her seat belt. "Chess, ok. I'm a little excited about being out of there." She admitted. 

Julia popped open the truck door and managed to climb down, finding the runner with her feet. He watched as she walked to the Wawa door in her loose sweats and baggy white tee shirt. So strange seeing her alive and well and walking like nothing had happened three weeks ago, like nothing had gone on a year before, like they saw each other and spoke with each other all the time. Did she have any right to be so damn bossy with him? Asking him for cigarettes and juice and coffee. At least she asked. Normally she would demand or instruct.

"Are you coming?" She asked over the hood of the dodge. He had to because she had no money.

Women...he climbed down and met her where she stood and he held the door open for her. "You're very wound up this morning." He observed.

"I'm all nerves. So, where are you taking me?" She asked.

"I'm taking you to Jayson, Mrs. Keller." He replied with a hurt expression on his face.

"Oh, he told you about that? I didn't think he'd actually do it." She left it at that while she made her coffee and she got an orange juice from the fridge of drinks. "Are you upset with me?" She asked as she met him by the register in line.

"No." He answered as he pulled out cash for the coffee, juice and cigarettes. She gathered up her stuff from the counter. Chess followed behind as she returned to the truck in the lot. He pulled the door open for her.

"You can stop with all the door holding and manners, Sir." She smiled down at him as he watched her climb in. He handed her the juice and her coffee and her cigarettes.

"I will not." He replied. "I am well trained, Miss."

You certainly are...she thought to herself.

"A lot has changed, Julia." He started this conversation and she stopped him before he started.

"I don't wanna know, Chess. About anything."

"You do not like surprises."

"I have changed my mind on that, so please...take me to Mr Keller. I have some groveling, begging, apologizing and more begging and apologizing and more groveling to do."

"He's glad you're alive. That shit that went down-"

"A little misunderstanding is all."

"A little misunderstanding?"

"Yes, I spun the story." She sipped her coffee, kicked off her Nike's and propped her feet on the dashboard. She chugged the orange juice and tossed the bottle out the window, then lit a cigarette.

"The ring, Julia. You really wanna sell it?"

"You thought so little of it to burn it."

"It's not burned. Jayson has it."

"What good is it to us, Chess?"

"I would never burn our ring."

"You did though. I watched you do it. You were angry and you burned my fucking ring in the fire pit where you asked me to marry you. If that wasn't symbolic of an end...paper ends legal, fire ends whatever that was."

"Julia, you're holding some dream shit against me."

"It was as real as Julia Fry is real. Or is she some dream shit?"

"I am sorry, Julia, about the ring."

"You plucked that girl out of a basement in Maverick and dragged her into this."

"I love her." He stated.

Julia rolled her eyes, she lit another cigarette. "Oh, all that smiling on the inside bullshit. Well, I do not smile on the inside. Get rid of the ring. Burn it, sell it, just get rid of it."

"Sell it." He nodded.

"What are you doing with the money you get from it."

"Keep the fucking money. I don't want the fucking money. It's not about money, love of my fuckin life."

"E-bay."

"Deal."

"Then we're even." 

We will never be even. Chess thought.

The closer she got to her hometown, the more nervous she got. Did anyone clear her arrival with Tavin or Jayson? Did anyone discuss this with them? Were they green lighting this return? Did she have any right to go home again? They'd been telling her all along that she was welcome and she needed to be clean in order to do that. Could she live up to it? Were there rules and what would happen if she broke rules? How would she ever begin to explain this and then ask them to forgive all of it?

"No. I can't go there." She mumbled as she neared the house. 

"Julia, yes you can." He sounded as unsure as she did as he pulled the truck into the pharmacy lot. "You, come with me." He said, then waited for her to get out. Chess wasn't stupid as he waited for her to put her Nike's back on. "Doc called in the scripts. I talked with him before you were discharged."

"You call that a discharge?" She asked nervously as she walked with him inside the pharmacy. He purposefully held her hand. A sweaty little palm in his.

"Want me to find another place? I can. If you need more time, Julia-"

"No, I don't. Thanks." She let him pull her through the CVS to the pharmacy line and she stood there with him squeezing her hand extra tight. She tried pulling away. "I won't run. I told you."

"You're scared though. I got you." He said, pulling her in front of him. He locked arms around her waist. "Better?"

"Not really." She answered, feeling uncomfortable. Short of being cuffed to his wrist, it was all uncomfortable. When his phone rang, he handed it to her and she answered.

"Julia, are you almost home?" Jayson asked.

"Ye-yeah. I remember you said not to come home anymore."

"We talked about this. Yesterday."

"Not really. We talked and I-"

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah."

"Where are you?"

"At CVS with Chess. We're filling scripts." She answered. "I'm scared, Jay." She pulled from Chess's grip and stepped away. He watched her like a hawk as if she was going to sprint away from him. He could probably run faster and she didn't feel like running anymore. "I fucked up, Jay. It's not fair that you guys should-"

"I meant everything I said to you yesterday, Jules."

"I know."

"You know what this is gonna do to you and your family?"

"Our family. Julia, this is our family." He said calmly. "You don't have to stay, but where are you gonna go?"

"It's a big world, Jay."

"It's a small world and it's only gonna get a lot smaller." He argued. That much was true. "Put Chess on the phone."

Julia handed the phone back to Chess. "I would say she's having doubts." Chess spoke as they walked out of CVS. He rolled his eyes and pointed at her, then tossed the bag with the scripts to her. He closed her in the truck. "I got her this far, Jay. The rest is not on you. Or Tavin. The rest is on her." He climbed in the driver's seat and started the engine. "Well, if she screws up, which I doubt she will..." Chess looked directly at her. "Then we will go with the alternative." Julia watched as he disconnected.

"What's the alternative, Chess?" Julia asked as she looked at the script bag in her hands.

"Oh, we let you crawl to the gate and beg to get in."

"Well, now, that would make things very uneven, Chess."

"You know I like watching you beg. Gonna give me the luxury?"

"You know damn right well I don't need any gate or fence or school."

"Neither do I, Jules. Are you ready for this? Or do you plan on sitting on the sidelines and growing vegetables?"

"I'll let you know." She answered.  Julia read the names of the meds as Chess drove them toward home. She looked over the information that came with them, scanning the side effects quick.

"I told the shrink to give you meds with few sexual side effects, if that's what you're looking for." He commented as he parked on the curb in front of her house. "Desert pussy." He teased her with that memory.

"Oh, thanks, Chess." She blushed. "Cause that was awful."

"Get outta my truck, Mrs. Keller."

She turned to him and leaned across the seat. She kissed his cheek. "Thank you, Chess."

"Julia, get out of my truck." He watched her standing on the curb. He yelled from his seat. "Do you want me to find another rehab? I can find one."

"No." She answered.

"Then what are you doing? Are you stuck?" He slid across the seat, leaving the truck idle in park.

"I don't feel good about this. Do you know what I have to do? I have to go in there and own up to all of this, this mess."

"So, go do it."

"I don't think I can." She said.

"If you're not ready, we can find another place. I have a back up, but it's in Maryland and I would have to make a few calls, but I can do it."

"I'm already sober, Chess. I can't get any more sober than this. Sober isn't the problem."

"Want me to call Tavin cause I don't know what to do here, Julia?"

"That'll only complicate the matter." She moaned, crinkling the bag in her hand. "How did you get clean, Chess? I never asked. You were as fucked up as I was at the time."

"What?" He asked caught off guard by her question. "I-uh-I joined the marines."

"Oh, well that is clearly not an option." As Julia debated in her head what would happen once she made it in the house, stalling with Chess on the curb, the front door opened and Alex came out.

"Are you going to stand out here all day, Julia?"

"Yes-no. No, Alex."

"How long are you staying this time?" He stood on the porch. He had grown taller and thinner. Looked more like Karen Keller than his brothers only lighter complected. His hair was cropped short, no more locks hanging in his eyes.

"As long as you let me."

"How long have you been sober?"

"Three weeks, three days. Do you want me to leave?"

"I want my sister back. Can you give me my sister back? Cause the way I see it, it isn't about your ex-" He pointed at Chess. "Or your boyfriend." He motioned back over his shoulder. "It's about my sister, you."

"Yes, Alexander. I know I hurt you and-"

"You don't have a fucking clue. What you've done to Tia."

"I know-"

"No, you don't know." He corrected her. "While you were in rehab, did you think about that?"

"Yes."

"And now you wanna come back in this house with us?"

"I know you don't trust me."

"I don't." He said, cutting her off. "You know, it's crazy. The whole time you were gone, we worried about you, I worried about you. Then this morning when we found out you were in the middle of that, I knew you'd be ok. It's kinda weird. Huh?"

"Yeah."

"Cause the only person that hurts you is you. Were you bit this morning?" He joked as he walked toward her through the lawn.

"No." She laughed a little.

"Did you bite anybody?" He smiled down at her. She had seen this kid before. In a not so distant future. Alex draped an arm around her and walked with her back through the lawn. He held the door open for her and they walked inside the house where they spent the morning together on the livingroom floor talking and catching up. Alex was the guard dog she had to make friends with before she went any further. He spent a couple hours feeling her out, gauging her honesty, and together they talked about what life would be like under that roof with her living there. It could not go back to the way things were and when he said that, she knew exactly what he meant. But they couldn't exactly look too far into that future of theirs, because there wasn't much of one to look forward to.

Alex eventually left her alone. He dressed, gave her a kiss on her forehead and he walked out the door. "Hope you're here when I get back." He said as he left.

Julia stayed on the sofa. Her bottles of medicine on the floor in the bag from the pharmacy. She looked at the shell of the house she had called home over the course of the last couple years and she had no place in it other than the seat on which she had taken with Alex earlier. She had no belongings. She had no room. She had blood there and they were angry at her and confused by the choices she had made. It was so earth shattering quiet, but she didn't move. She stayed put, absorbing the silence and only her thoughts bounced off her brain and the clocks ticked, echoing on the 4 walls. She had nothing to do but think. She wasn't hungry, chose not to help herself to the TV or the shower or the internet. She felt out of place. She felt alone and looking around, she wondered why she was alone. She curled up on the sofa, pulling her knees to her chest and she laid her head back on the cushion. She fell asleep.

Julia woke to the sound of voices. She stayed put, but she did have to pee. She held it. The back door was open and the guys were on the patio. The clock read 415pm. She smelled weed. Her pills were not on the floor in their bag anymore. She was covered with a blanket. She heard a bottle clink with other bottles from the patio. The kitchen door opened and Tavin came in for another beer. Pot calling the kettle black right there...she thought as she watched him pass in and out of the house. She heard Jody's laugh and the door opened again. He peeked over the counter with a beer in his hand.

"Hey, Morgan." He said, that smile...

"Hi, Mayers." She didn't move. She had to pee and she held it.

"Love the hair. You look so pretty." He winked at her.

"Thanks, Jody." She smiled. Geeze, he remembered.

"I guess we're not going out anymore. Wednesday with the contact is off the table now." He laughed.

"Oh, stop that." She covered her face and blushed. "How much do you remember?"

"Everything." He grinned. "Morgan, you have a lovely little bump."

"Ugh." She groaned. "Jody, get this out of your system. Go on, please."

"He was right. You tasted good. Like gold, if gold had a taste." He grinned at her as she peeked from behind her hand. "You are a liar, too." He accused her, waving that beer at her.

"I never lied to you, Mayers."

"You said my energy wasn't right. There isn't a damn thing wrong with my energy. Is there?"

"No, Jo. Nothing is wrong with it. It's perfectly in sync."

"I love you, Julia." He said quietly. "In a purely nonsexual, professional, zombie killer to zombie killer kind of way."

"Of course." She giggled. "Me too."

"Great, now that we cleared that up, can you get your undeveloped ass off that couch and join the living again?"

"Undeveloped. We're back to that are we?"

"Unless you got other plans, beautiful. Please, tell me you got other plans. You know exactly how and where I will place my loyalty, Morgan."

"I'm up. I am up." She said, shimmying off the sofa. When she stood, her bladder emptied and her pants soaked.

"Are you seriously pissing your pants? You said you only do that paralyzed."

"Oh, dammit. I had to pee all day. I been holding it. Oh, God."

Julia sprinted toward the steps and to the bathroom where she peeled off wet pants and granny panties. She cleaned up quick and then went in Jay's room to the closet where there was no new bag. "I have no clothes." She turned to the dresser and she pulled out a green bra, lacey and much more developed than her. She peeked at the tag. 34C. Adrienne probably. She pulled open another drawer and yanked out a t shirt of Jay's, one that would cover her ass and she gathered up her only clothes to wash them. "I have no clothes." She said to herself.

"Jules." Jay called. "What's up?" He asked coming upstairs. "Hey, Jo said you were awake."

"I am." She nodded.

"You really piss your pants?"

"I did. I was holding it all day and it kinda happened."

"Ok. I have clothes for you downstairs."

"Ok." She trembled a little standing so close to him. She had been perfectly fine with Jody. Completely normal. She nodded. He looked past her and he saw the bra on his dresser. "I was looking for something to like put on. I wasn't snooping."

"It's Adrienne's." He smiled. "She's developed." He focused on the word developed. It couldn't be a coincidence.

Is anything ever private? She asked herself. "It appears that way. Is she pretty?"

"Of course, Julia. I like pretty."

"I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry I called her."

"Scared her half to death. She got tested for every STD humanly possible."

"Except for the one we actually have, Jay." Julia said dryly. "I don't have any of the known ones."

"Neither do I." He replied. "So, um, now might be a good time to tell you that phone call you made was to a pretty girl who is also a pretty bad bitch."

"Ok. What exactly does that mean?"

"I have a habit of hooking up with pretty girls who are a touch on the crazy side. That being said, watch your back." He took her dirty wet clothing and left her standing in his doorway.

"I already do watch my back." She followed him downstairs. She hadn't been in a decent cat fight in a while. "Give me your phone." She demanded as she walked into the laundry room. He dropped her wet clothes in the washer, then picked up a bag from Aero. He handed it to her. "No." He stated. "Here's your clothes. Thank Chess when he gets here."

"I wanna call her. I do not like threats, Jayson. I am not afraid of-" She calmed herself down as she looked in her bag. "Is this stuff new? He got me cami's."

"I know you do not take threats well. Yes, there's cami's in there and clothes that fit. He took Julia shopping and apparently he doesn't feel you are even." He laughed. "You still smell like pee too so you may wanna get a shower." He washed his hands, pulled a soda from the fridge and head back outside.

Julia stood there dumbfounded. No hug. No kiss. No love and affection. Only a warning about a crazy, pretty ex-girlfriend named Adrienne with nice boobs who wore Vicky Secret bras. She looked down over her flat chest to the bag of clothes in her hands. Cami's for A cups...she frowned. Life goes on as if she had never left and as if she had not just come home. She wasn't exactly expecting a party, but she did expect a little more than a lifeless hello from the boy who wanted to make her Mrs. Keller 24 hours ago. Julia took a deep breath and she took a step back and she calmed down. Jay was allowed to have his moods and feelings. But so am I...

Julia turned and went back to the bathroom. She locked herself inside and ran water in the tub, stripping off the tee she had just put on. She climbed inside the bath, settling into the warm water and she slid far enough to dunk her head under water. She slid back up and started crying. When the water was no longer warm, she dragged herself out of the tub and dressed in a cami and clothes that covered her body. Chess must have shopped on the more juvenile end of Aero, but she didn't complain because the clothes were brand new and free. Chess's heart was in the right place.

Julia joined the living as Jody requested and she remained quiet and pensive as the guys talked and laughed. She cleared off the table and cleaned the dishes to keep busy and out of the way. Tavin came inside for another beer and he stood with her at the sink. "You don't have to do that anymore. Ok, Red?"

"Fine." She replied, rinsing a dish of suds and placing it in the drain.

"You're awful quiet. Is the drinking bothering you?"

"No, I drink, too. Only on holidays, remember?" She answered, reminiscent of a time when they were sharing a bed under that roof of his. "It's a fact of life, Tav. Right?"

"Need a meeting?"

"No. Are you my designated counselor? My sponsor?"

"Your friend." He stated. "Look, you need to be around people. You need to come outside and chill and have some conversation and feel normal."

"What is normal?" She snapped at him.

"I know how you feel."

"In the context of addict, you do. Thanks."

"I think I have a little more on my resume than addict, Julia." He replied. "Gimme a little more credit."

Julia rinsed the last dish and she couldn't look at him. "I know. I am sorry." She felt the tears again. "Did you cry a lot? I never asked. You know, when you stopped using." She whispered.

"No. I'm not a crier." He answered her, taking a drink from the bottle in his hand. "A few times maybe, I didn't make a habit of it." He put a hand on her shoulder. "If you need to cry, you can. No one's gonna think anything of it."

"Well, I wanna do it all the damn time."

"Can you say why?" He asked. She didn't answer right away. She dried her hands and she started making a pot of coffee.

"Yes." She answered. "A million reasons."

"What is the first reason?"

"This house."

"What about it?"

She opened the fridge and she pulled out a small tray from the door. She held it up for him to see clearly. "Why are we saving it?" She held the small tray out to him. "Bothers me more than beer. Who needs insulin?"

"Never threw it out." He pointed at the trash can. "After you had her, you thought you were pregnant again, Julia. You wanted to save it in case you were-" She tossed the entire tray in the trash can. "What else?"

She looked to the door and she whispered. "You gave him my room."

"Nah, baby girl. Not going there."

"Where's all my stuff?"

"In boxes in the basement. Jules, you took all your clothes and had Jay bring you stuff. But the books and the knick-knacks and that end of things is down there."

"He's in my bed."

"Awe, Julia, you're being petty now." Tavin rolled his eyes. "I would assume he'd do what you ask and if you want your room, bed and things back where they belong, he'd jump and ask how high. That's not the issue. What is it?"

She shrugged.

"You have come this far. You can do this. You have done this. Where me and you came from a couple years ago, Julia, this is the exact same thing."

He reached for the CVS bag. He tossed the bag to her. "Medicate."

"No. I won't be able to in a month and it's not-"

"It's a three month supply and that will get you over the hump. It worked last time, because you let it work last time." Julia opened the bag and set the bottles on the counter. She took a pill from each bottle and swallowed them down with some milk. "Thank you."

"He acted like I was a stranger. He didn't say hi or anything."

"Tell him that. I said hi. I hugged you. I kissed you and teased you about that awful fucking hair cut." He snickered. "For someone who always complained she looked like a boy." He asked, pointing at her head. "Who's dick gets hard over that hair cut?"

Jody Mayers dick gets hard, that's who...she thought. "I do not look like a boy." She argued with him, looking over her body. She ran a nervous hand over her hair. "Where is Tia and Tarin and Alex?"

"Tarin is with his grandparents while my wife is fucking her boyfriend. Tia is with Cal. Alex is with Julia."

"Oh, wow." Julia said, surprised to hear that. She talked with Kelly regularly and she didn't have a clue about the fucking. She had a boyfriend and he took her to prom and did normal teenage stuff, but the fucking came as a surprise.

"You knew about the boyfriend. Josh."

"I knew about him, but she has sex with him? Since when?"

"She says she does. Is she lying to me?"

"I'd rather that than, you know. But last I talked with her was before rehab, so maybe."

"She's lying to me." He smiled. "Thanks." He head to the back door. "Talked to Jesslyn lately?"

"Not since rehab, no." Julia shook her head.

Julia chose to stay inside a while and she inventoried what they had in the fridge. She got what she planned on making for dinner the next day and set it out to defrost. She listened as the guys laughed and talked and when Chess and Julia arrived with Ray, everyone came inside and gathered around the table for cards. Not much changed.

"Julia, we dealing you in?" Chess asked her as she slinked out of the kitchen to make room for everyone.

"Hell, yes. She's the only one who can beat your ass." Tavin told him.

"Um, I don't know. There's no where to sit. You have fun."

Julia...sit the fuck down...she heard Chess in her head.

How are you doing that?

Learned a few things on the flipside. Sit down and play with us. Please.

She hear you too?

No.

"Ok, maybe. Hold on a minute." She turned in the living room and she pushed through the front door. Too bright. She turned in the driveway and she walked into the back yard where there were no street lights and no bright lights. Still not quite dark enough. She squinted and she looked and she listened and she couldn't see all the pretty colors.

She turned and head back inside. She sat with Jayson and played cards, eventually warming up and talking and laughing. Tavin was right. She needed people. She needed to feel some semblance of normal. On Jayson's lap with cards in her hand and letting him choose which card to discard and when to pick up. Half the time wondering what the hell he was thinking while he chose the cards he chose to hold. The objective was to win, not lose.

Gradually the kitchen cleared out and people went home to their beds or they went to different beds in the house. Julia cleaned up the mess and considering she had a nap while everyone else was awake, she wasn't tired too early. Jay clung to her, taking trash out and recycle out to the side of the house. He locked up and he waited for her and when she was finished tidying up, he turned off the lights.

"Wanna go up?"

"I'm ok. I'm not tired." His expression said he wasn't exactly tired either, but he didn't exactly want to sleep. "I took a nap and I-"

"I would like to go to bed with you."

I'm not feeling the love...she thought..."Now."

"Sure, yes."

"Oh, well you haven't like touched me since I came home and I get the feeling you really can't do that yet..."

"I never said that. I never acted like that either."

"Well, honestly I think it's something we should talk about. If memory serves, I remember I should have talked with Chess about it and I didn't, so I think we should and-"

"No."

"Cause you don't wanna. What if I wanna?"

"What good is it gonna do either of us talking about what we already know?"

"Are you sure you know or are you only guessing? I think it didn't really affect you last time like it does this time."

He was speechless.

"It affects me. You know, how I feel about myself. Like making love to you is something I want to do because I love you and not because it is a means to an end." She paused as he leaned against the counter. "Like I don't even remember what it's like to lay down with someone I love."

"I do."

"Adrienne?"

"No, dummy." He said, taking a seat. "You." He said, making himself comfortable. "I don't love Adrienne. I didn't love Stef. I felt nothing for Sarah and Jen. I did and do love Jesslyn. So, basically, what I am saying is I haven't made love to a girl in a long fucking time. The only one is you."

Who the hell are Sarah and Jen? "We have had sex, Jay."

"I realize that. I hardly would call what we did, love."

"I agree. So what would you call it?

"I missed you. Feeling close to you when we couldn't be like this. Even though you didn't talk the same and act the same, inside you, there's no difference."

"Didn't it hurt afterward?"

"Yes. It does. It hurts now. I didn't feel dirty. I never did. Well, except maybe at the motel."

"Yeah."

"You were different there. You stole from me. You used me. I felt like I paid you or you paid me. Either way, that wasn't a good place for either of us."

"Why did you put up with me? Why did you do all that and bail me out and keep it going?"

"I can only say this so many times. I love you. Even if it's a little bit of you. I have always and I always will love you. Whether you're high and using me or high and stealing from me-"

"Jay-"

"No, you need to hear this. I need to say this. Because this isn't about you, Julia. This isn't about only you. We lost Caroline. You and me. I needed you, whatever part of you that you were willing to give. Julia, you don't understand. It killed me letting you go through that alone. I would never let the mother of my child get so lost out there...Julia, I begged you. I did everything you wanted and I begged you...to come home with me. I fed you when you were hungry. I gave you whatever you asked me for so I could see you and know that you were alright. Babe, fuck..."

"I'm sorry, Jay."

"Do you have any idea what I went through? Did you ever once consider that I may need someone too? The only person that could understand that and you left me. I wanted to die, Julia. I wanted to put a gun to my head again and I couldn't do it."

"I'm sorry, Jay."

"Ask me why."

"Jay, I am so sorry."

"Ask me why, Julia."

"Why?" She asked.

"We all have a part we play in the story of your life and I won't...you lost her and I wasn't going to have you lose me too. No matter what purpose I served, I wouldn't leave you." Jay slid off the stool and stood up. "So, forgive me if I need you. It's not a need that...I don't wanna just come in you or fuck you. It's not that kind of need, alright. So I am sorry if I make you feel that way." Jay moved away from her, took a deep breath and processed all he'd confessed. Her reactions. "Ok. Come up when you're ready or don't." He called as he left her downstairs.

"Jay, are we done talking about this?" She followed him as he climbed the steps.

"Yes." He closed his door and left her at the bottom of the stairs.

Julia took the pack of cigarettes off the counter and went out back to smoke. She stood on the patio in the dark and swatted at mosquitos, blew smoke at them and she thought about what Jay had said. Choices. The choices she had made as a woman, a rebel, in zombie world were hers and hers alone and she was proud of that. The choices she made in the real world always seemed wrong and seemed more like a dream than the actual dream. Choices or mistakes. Choices in zombie world and mistakes in the real world. A life she could be proud of and a life she had been ashamed of. Why was it she could manage against the odds in a dream and then fail so horribly in the real world? She knew she was surrounded by supportive people. People who were strong when she was weak. She could be strong for them when the time came. Another month the games would begin and she knew how to play the game. She was an expert player.